Untitled Ranma/Tenchi Crossover

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Just testing the water on this story to see if it is worth continuing
Untitled Story by skyrover7
Thoughts are in italic.
This story takes place in an alternate universe.
Explosions rocked the pirate ship as it sped through hyperspace. Damaged by Galactic Police fire, the ship had barely managed the jump. While the crew worked frantically to save the ship and themselves a young hostage was making her escape through the damaged door of her holding cell.
She ran along the shadowed corridors of the ship illuminated only by dim emergency lighting. The explosions which had weakened the locked door of her compartment allowing her escape also occupied the crew giving her time to find an escape pod.
Finding one, she slipped in, closed the hatch and hit the eject button as the ship’s damaged warp engines exploded throwing her forward to hit her head on the instrument console. With her last reserve of strength she engaged the main engines before slipping into unconsciousness as the pod hurtled out of the flaming inferno that had once been a ship.
Regaining consciousness she wiped the crusted blood out of her eyes. Looking out the view port she could see the cloud shrouded image of a green planet. Fighting the pain that ripped through her head, she glanced at the instruments. Crap! Hull integrity had been breached and she had to put the pod down fast before she was breathing space. With a quick prayer to Tsunami she strapped herself in and pointed the nose down entering the atmosphere.
The little pod shook and shuddered as design specifications were met and exceeded. With what little control she had she nosed the little ship toward the surface watching the rapidly approaching surface through the view screen and keeping an eye on the altimeter in the heads-up display. Here goes nothing. She tilted the nose up and gave the engines full power. For a moment the pod slowed and she thought she had succeeded with her maneuver, but then the engine sputtered and shut down and the pod hurtled toward the surface below.
Water geysered and turned to steam immediately from the overheated skin of the pod that crashed into the pool of water. The weakened hull broke almost in half throwing the battered and broken body of the young girl into the overheated water of the pool. She floated face down for a moment before the waters of Jusenkyo claimed another victim.
Unlike other pools, the power of Jurai blended with the chaotic magic of Jusenkyo. The pool was still cursed, but it would only claim a person of a specific lineage and would only work one time before the magic was exhausted.
The guide stood at the edge of the still bubbling pool and wondered what had happened. He was awakened by a loud crash and had rushed outside only to see the boiling surface of one of he uncursed pools. I wonder what fell in there and what the curse will be. Over the years only a few fell into the pool and had emerged uncursed and the guide soon forgot the incident and assumed the pool was still uncursed.
It was thus matters stood until a martial artist and his son began fighting on the poles over the pools never hearing the guide’s warning. The boy’s quicker reflexes allowed him to get in the first hit, knocking his father into one of the pools. Wonder what Pop is going to do now.
The water below began to roil and the form of a giant panda erupted from the pool. Momentarily startled by the sight, the panda was able to land a blow to the pony-tailed boy, hurling him across the cursed waters into what the guide thought was an uncursed pool.
The pool, though, had found an acceptable person. The Jurai powered magic began making changes at the genetic level and soon a short, busty redheaded girl fought to the surface. Unlike other pools, the magic had altered both the “normal” and cursed personas of the young boy.

And the chaotic odyssey began for the boy which led to the accidental cursing of a former classmate, the kiss of death from an amazon warrior, to an arranged engagement in Nerima and fighting a cursed Musk prince to regain his manhood. Each battle he fought made the boy and his cursed form stronger until the cursed Musk prince locks the boy’s curse. He, along with two of his rivals, follows the cursed prince and her attendants to Mount Horai where a fight which destroys half the mountain takes place.
The boy manages to unlock his curse and defeat the Musk prince. He saves the prince’s life, but in doing so falls off a precipice into a fast moving stream. His body is never recovered.
This is just the beginning of his story.
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Two years later a short, busty girl strides down the crowded sidewalks of Nerima. Her waist-length flame, red hair is tied back into a ponytail. She is wearing a loose forest green skirt that ends mid-thigh and a gold blouse with an elaborately embroidered dragon. Long-time residents nervously move out of her way while new male residents openly stare in admiration at the exotic beauty.
Occasionally, she glances down, checking directions on a hand-held device, a worried frown marking her face. Her confident pace slows as she nears her destination. Finally the device beeps indicating she has arrived. Taking a deep breath she walks up to the doorway and rings the bell.
Inside, soft footsteps can be heard moving to answer the door. After what seems like an inordinate long time the door slides open to reveal a young brown-haired woman. Her tired eyes look at the person standing outside then widen in surprise. “Ranma,” she whispers before slumping to the floor unconscious.
Crap. Just what I need. The red-head steps inside and gathers the young woman into her arms. She follows the hall into the family room where she gently places the woman on a couch. She settles to her knees to wait for the woman to return to consciousness.
After a few minutes the woman’s eyelids start to flutter and she opens them to see someone she thought had died. She sits up and reaches out a hand to touch the cheek of the red-head. “Ranma, is it really you?”
The red-head sighs. “I don’t know. I only have memories for the last two years.” She paused. “Until a month ago, I didn’t even know this place existed. Then I remembered something. A name. The Tendo Dojo.
“So far, it is the only connection to my past I have.”
She looked at the brown-haired woman quizzically and grinned. “I take it by your reaction you know me. Her smile turned sad. “I wish I could say I know you too, but…I really can’t”
“I’m sorry, Ranma,” the brown-haired woman said. “I…I’m Kasumi Tendo and I… She couldn’t finish as her eyes started to water and she burst into tears almost leaping into the red-head’s arms.
“Oh, Ranma, I’m so sorry…so, so sorry,” sobbed. “This was…no, is your home. You lived here with us, before… Again, she couldn’t continue. The red-head held her tenderly and stroked her back gently. Before long, the sobs gradually ceased and she composed herself. “Let me fix us some tea and you can tell me what’s happened to you.”
Wiping her eyes on a corner of her apron she got unsteadily to her feet and went to the kitchen. A short time later both were sitting at the table sipping tea.
“I suppose I should start with who I am now,” the red-head said. “My name is Kiyone Masaki Jurai and I have been living with my mother Tennyo and it wasn’t until we visited relatives near Okayama that I was able to investigate my memory fragment.
“You say my name was Ranma. I’m curious, what was my family name?”
“I’m sorry, Ran…”
“Kiyone, please, if you don’t mind Kasumi, the name Ranma is meaningless right now for me.”
He certainly has changed. The brash, egotistical boy has been replace by confident young woman. “I don’t mind,” Kasumi said. Your name was Ranma Saotome and you were heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Marital Arts.”
Not to be outdone in the battle of politeness, Kasumi asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, were you able to unlock your curse?”
“I assume so, even though I don’t remember it being locked. This bracelet,” she said indicating the jade bracelet on her right wrist, “allows me control, for the most part over my curse.
I can remain as I am almost indefinitely unless I get too tired and then water will still trigger the curse. The bracelet also changes my clothing so I have the proper clothing for my gender.”
Kasumi was stunned. “But Ran…Kiyone, that form is your…”
“Tadaima,” a voice called, interrupting her statement.
Kiyone looked at the dark-haired girl standing in the doorway, her mouth hanging open in shock while Kasumi was wishing she had borrowed some of her father’s sake.
All of a sudden the girl’s form blurred and Kiyone was engulfed in a super glomp with her face being kissed all over. “Ranma, you’re back, you’re really back.”
She pulled back suddenly, slapping the red-haired girl hard enough to leave the imprint of her hand. “Where have you been, baka?”
Her mouth open in shock, Kiyone rubbed her sore cheek. Glancing over to Kasumi she asked, “You mean I was a lesbian?”
“Akane, calm down, Ranma has amnesia. He…she remembers nothing before two years ago.”
Pulling back further, Akane looked deep into Ranma’s blue-gray eves seeing no recognition there. “You don’t remember me at all, do you Ranma,” she asked, her voice heavy with sadness.
Her eyes showed the sadness she was feeling even though she shed no tears. “That first year you were gone I cried almost the entire time, and then…then when I was finally convinced you had died I wanted to join you in death. If not for Kasumi and Nabiki I wouldn’t be here today to…to once again lose you.
“No, you baka, you weren’t a lesbian, you…you were my finance.”
“Kiyone, what I was trying to tell you before is that you are now in your cursed form. Your male form is your true birth gender.” Kasumi said softly.
All the blood drained from Kiyone’s face as she looked at the sisters in shock. “Kasumi…Akane, for all intents and purposes I am a girl. I have lived like this since my near lifeless body was found floating in a stream near Okayama. When I awakened I had no memories and had to relearn everything. For me, being like this is all I know. Even before I had the bracelet I stayed female as much as possible, only being male when in the furo.
“I came here hoping to connect with my past so I can lay it to rest. I did not intend to make you feel any undue pain and for that I am sorry.”
“Baka,” Akane said softly. “You never wanted to hurt anyone, it was one of your most enduring and irritating characteristics.”
She smiled, a soft, sad smile that said that told the depth of her caring for the petite red-head. “Hi,” she said, bowing to their guest. “I’m Akane Tendo, want to be friends.”
Kiyone smiled and said, “Hi, I’m Kiyone Masaki Jurai, I would love to be your friend.”

[Musouka]

Masaki Jurai...does this mean she's married to Tenchi. The way she reacted when told that she was in her cursed form leads me to believe that she might have gotten married.

[DCG]

What the heck happened to this?
You have a great idea that’s for sure. But you failed every thing else.
For the first part you said SHIP way to many times. 3 Times in the first paragraph alone.
Using amnesia to make a girl ranma? Lame lame lame lame.
Ranma spending to years as a girl fine? Jurain princess? no problem!
But put some freaking work into it.
Not just "Oh i had amnesia, im a girl now Tee hee" Wtf is that?
The way she reacted to Akane makes us think there’s a guy in her life.
If you want that fine. But "amnesia" don't cut it as a way to pull it off.
Things that would help, Cover the effects the Jurai pool has, Show what happened to ranma over the two years, take the amnesia bit and toss it out the window, Do more showing and less telling.

[crystlshake]

I would have expected a stronger reaction to the slap too. If its hard enough to leave an imprint she should react some how. Considering you more or less have a stranger that recognizes her come in and slap her out of the blue like that. Considering how against Ranma Akane tends to be her hitting him is believable but I dont know about the kiss if they didnt have a stronger relationship before he disapeared.
A hug or at most a kiss on the cheek is what I would find believable without showing Akane's behavior maturing in the time gap or strengthening the relationship before the absense. Considering her re-introduction to Akane as it stands now, her just accepting the offered friendship without even any hesitance even without memories of the past seems odd. In addition if Ranma is happy with what she has now and is only following up on her past to come to terms with it, I'd imagine that kind of reaction to just seeing her would be enough to either scare her off of bothering or at least reconsider if it is worth it. I know I would avoid someone who (relatively speaking) Im meating for the first time calls me stupid and hits me.

[WG_Writer]

I agree with DCG on this one, it really isn't a Ranma fic at the moment, Kiyone isn't Ranma at all, she is female, has no memories of who she was, and so foreth. I have to put the question this way, Why Ranma? Is there a specific reason to use Ranma as the character here or is it just for the sake of it being a Ranma cross.

[nuriko]

It's possible Ranma is used for the sake of Jusenkyo, or the other characters (Akane and Kasumi here) that tend to come in the package. Then again, two years seems like it's a bit fast for some of the things you showed. Besides this, we haven't seen anything yet of where it's going, really...

[nav]

I probably posted this in the wrong section. It should have been in ideas because I was looking for input on wheather it merited continuation and, if it does, any ideas on how to strengthen the basic elements I have posted here.

[lwf58]

We'll leave it here, because it's a story, rather than a presentation of the plot and ideas for a story. The folks just needed a clearer statement of what kind of input you were looking for, which you have made.
On the other hand, you've gotten some good, thoughtful comments, so don't reject them just because they weren't what you originally asked for. I suggest that you post a few general hints about where you envision the story going, so that the commenters can answer your question better; it's hard to tell you whether or not it's a good idea and what would strengthen it when reading the section you posted doesn't tell much about where the plot is going.

[WG_Writer]

If you are specifically looking for Ideas for improvement here is what needs to happen imo (I will treat this as an Idea rather then normal C&C)
First, a female Ranma right off the bat is a bad idea, amnesia is fine, but work for it, lets see that two years.
Second, a Name change is okay, but be careful, I believe that Kiyone is a female name, you should go with a name that can be either, like Ranma, and Tenchi are.
Third, lose the bracelet, it is nice and convienent, but with it there is no reason at all to use Ranma, female, no martial arts knowledge (apparently since the amnesia), no curse, no mutiple fiancees, it isn't Ranma.
Fourth, ensure Ranma is adopted and not married into the Misaki clan, this ties into the Third point, Ranma and mutiple fiancees go hand in hand.
Fifth, Ranma should still have his/her combat skills, even more so after 2 years with Yosho and Ryoko.
I assume you know that Jurai added to his/her name means he is linked to a space tree so I will skip that point.
Sixth, I recommend he is still attracted to girls, rather then guys. Even if she hates taking guy form.
Here is some tips to tell if what you wrote is Ranma or not.
Change the names of all characters you used and remove any speech or thought references directly to events in the Manga. And remove any skills Ranma (and Ranma manga cast has) that he has prior to the start of the fic. If it doesn't affect the plot much if at all, it isn't Ranma.
Remember who Ranma is: Egotistical, tomboy when a girl, martial artist, gender changing curse, chased by many women (Fiancees), and with foot in the mouth disease.
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Here are the elements that worked:
The Bracelet's clothes changing powers, given Washu this is a good idea
Amnesia was a somewhat good idea, but a bit overused, might want to be original
Ranma being changed after two years, everyone changes.
Herb deviation, a bit cliche, but a well known point in the Manga
Being linked to a space tree, could work, but if she didn't marry in it needs a lot of explaining.
Elements that should be lost:
Bracelet's ability to Deus Ex the curse
Ranma's amnesia still affecting her, if she had so little to go on, i doubt she would be alone, very much so.
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I am not saying that a Ranma as a girl, and married Tenchi fic is a bad idea, you just gave away too much right off the bat. the two years later can work but I recommend ending the scene at the door with Ranma intoducing herself to Kasumi, preferabily before she faints.

[nav]

I intend for Ranma's amnesia to not be a result of injuries received at Mt. Horai, but because subconsciously he did not want to remember. In confronting her past she slowly begins to remember.
The knowledge that she was a boy raised to be a "man among men" conflicts with the experience of spending two happy years believing as a woman.
Another conflict arises because her female form is a genetic complete copy of the kidnapped daughter of Tennyo Masaki (Tenchi's sister) who drowned at
Jusenkyo.
What I am looking for is the best way to approach the situation and whether to have a Tendo sister as a love interest or to have more mental conflict by her having a boyfriend before coming to the Tendo's to confront the past.
If I go the route of a boyfriend, I was lookking for him to join her at the dojo as her memory starts to return.
Hope this is a little better explanation of where I see the story going and what help I am looking for.

[StarEyed]

Wargiver said:

First, a female Ranma right off the bat is a bad idea, amnesia is fine, but work for it, lets see that two years.

I have to agree with this. Even with amnesia some character traits would probably remain. You really have to show how Ranma changed from 'Ranma with amnesia' to Kiyone, even if just in the form of flashbacks early in the story. Perhaps explaining the last two years to the Tendos?
The same thing with her asking if (s)he's a lesbian. Ramna has never shown the slightest interest in boys, amnesia is unlikely to change that completely. Even if (s)he does have some attraction to boys (s)he's likely to be more interested in girls. So I would say no to the idea of a boyfriend. If you go for a Tendo sister as a love interest I wouldn't make it Akane, nor would I rush into things. Ranma has changed and has amnesia. Both sides are going to have to get to know each other again.
Remember Ranma had demonstrated the ability to pick up martial arts techniques quickly so living with the Masaki family (s)he's not going to be completely ignorant of martial arts, even if (s)he remembers nothing of Anything Goes.
Nor is (s)he likely to put up with a complete stranger slapping her for no apparent reason. None of the Masaki women have shown themselves to be pushovers.
That said, go for it. This seems like it could be really interesting.

[Nekomata-sensei]

The same thing with her asking if (s)he's a lesbian. Ramna has never shown the slightest interest in boys, amnesia is unlikely to change that completely. Even if (s)he does have some attraction to boys (s)he's likely to be more interested in girls. So I would say no to the idea of a boyfriend. If you go for a Tendo sister as a love interest I wouldn't make it Akane, nor would I rush into things. Ranma has changed and has amnesia. Both sides are going to have to get to know each other again.

Actually, from how I've read the manga, Ranma _has_ shown a possible intrest in boys. The two most obvious instnaces are ingorable because Ranma was under magical compusions (Gosunkugi's suggestion doll and the koi rod) but even after getting over those Ranma didn't seem as disgusted as a straight guy might. Ranma shows a willingness and almost instinctual knowedge to be able to hit on and pick up guys (which she demonstrates to the first mirror copy, trying to show her the 'right way' to pick up guys), has gone on dates with Kuno, of course, under coersion, and also, the expression on onna-Ranma's face in many scenes where she'd been presented with naked guys or handsome guys has often made me think she's attracted to them, examples include Picolet Chardin at points when Ranma tand Akane are discussing him when he's not around, Ryoga when Ranma first stuffs the pig in the bath and is suddenly presented with a nude Ryoga, and during the master/student pill arc when Ranma tricked Happosai by going into the girl's locker room, covering his eyes, then bashing thorugh to the boy's locker room (Ranma was definitally starring). She also goes on the date with the disembodied sprit of the old man without much complaint. Not once in my memory has onna-Ranma shown any indication of being attracted to women.

Remember Ranma had demonstrated the ability to pick up martial arts techniques quickly so living with the Masaki family (s)he's not going to be completely ignorant of martial arts, even if (s)he remembers nothing of Anything Goes.
Nor is (s)he likely to put up with a complete stranger slapping her for no apparent reason. None of the Masaki women have shown themselves to be pushovers.

Um, doesn't Ranma often let people get away with smaking him/her around? Ukyo does it when Ranma says soemthing that flatters her, Ranma sometimes complains, but I don't remember him/her fighting back much.

That said, go for it. This seems like it could be really interesting.

Anway, I also have some extra comments, the anime episode where Ranma gets hit in the head and thinks she's a girl and acts all feminine comes to mind. Even if it was a horrid exaggeration of a girl, it seemed like she was honestly comfortable with what she was doing, and enjoyed her time a girl more than she enjoys her normal life. This has disturbing ramifications. But if you include this anime arc as part of the history for your story, it would be a good tie in to help explain why Ranma ended up wanting to stay a girl when he/she didn't know which was his/her true form. Perhaps Ranma subconciously really does perfer being a girl, if only because of the responsibilities and expectations accociated with his life and seeing being a girl as an escape from that.
I give turning Ranma into a girl a bit more credit than most of the people here seem to. Mostly because when Ranma's acting like a girl, even if it's because of strange circumstances like mind controlling magic or head injuries, is the times when Ranma seems most happy, even though he/she gets upset when the curse is locked in some way (cat's tounge pressure point, chiisuiton) Ranma doesn't seem upset for as long as you might expect and certainly doesn't overreact.

[Tovath]

Um, doesn't Ranma often let people get away with smaking him/her around?

Yes, but only people he knows and he doesn't remeber Akane

[P.H. Wise]

That's quite a story you... haven't ... written.
You can't skip character development to "get on with the good part," folks. Why? Because character development IS the good part, and without that, you don't have your story.
You want Ranma to be a girl full time? Fine. You want Ranma to be a Juraian Princess? Sure. But if you don't actually take the steps that would get Ranma from point A to point B, you're only cheating your audience, your story, and yourself.

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I wasn't planning to skip any character development. What happened and how she came to be as she is now will come out in a series of flashbacks as he talks to the sisters.