and Bavarian styling, it was picturesque.
Hm...I don't know, wouldn't Usagi have a dream featuring a more Japaneseish setting rather then this generic Western one? Seems more like something Minako could plausibly dream of...which I guess considering that they are kind of one being right now that might be plausible. Scary.
[I'll leave up in the air how much Minako is having an influence, and say that Usagi is actually pulling the setting of this dream from TV show.
[I've given some clues as to what it is, but will wonder.
Naru and Mercury were among them, restored as Usagi wished they could be.
But they can be. Shouldn't this be rephrased to something denoting this is sort of her goal because as phrased sounds like you're saying it's impossible...when it really doesn't seem to be at least to me.
[perhaps this clarifies
[[Naru and Mercury were among them, restored as Usagi wished they on day would be.]]
not escape that
not escape her duties.
"Well, I never thought... He would
Ellipses don't really flow well with the rest of the line.
In looking they shall find what they seek." She said as ruby snake-eyes glowed.
Could use tone here. I assume she's saying that like she's going to kill all the summoners, but it's not written out explicitly, so just a voice tone description could make this more solid and meaningful.
[[ "And do not blame the summoners. In looking they shall find what they seek," she flatly said as ruby snake-eyes glowed.]]
Not even one with such unique sleeping arrangements," she looked down and the stars embedded in her cheeks grew brighter in something akin to a blush.
So...she's jealous? Embarrassed? Disgusted? What? Kind of wish it was better spelled out. Is a cute little bit though with the monster/goddess being a little weirded out in some fashion too heh.
[Perhaps this is an improvement
Nuit looked Sailor Pluto up and down. "Much the same as you. I am 'She Who Protects'? I have come so that I may enfold and protect you from all things evil," she repeated in the same smooth tone as before. The eyes on her serpent head piece stopped glowing. "Though I'll admit, I don't have a Princess to protect. Not even one with such unique sleeping arrangements," she looked down and the stars embedded in her cheeks grew brighter in something akin to an embarrassed blush.
Setsuna kept her face neutral. She would bet good money that Nuit knew full well about the Venus Armor, but the stellar-woman could be simply referring to the dream-valley. It was galling to have something like Nuit take exception towards the Princess' life, but Setsuna could understand.
Kiri walked to the gleaming armored form of the queen
Wait, I assume it's dark in there right? So then wouldn't the atmosphere surrounding her and the lighting to describe all this for us from Setsuna's perspective be a little muted and off colored? Not a big deal just think you can do more to make the scene a bit more otherworldly and even odder if you describe the light sources and their affects on the appearance, especially if the light is mostly coming from Usagi/Mina. Or you can disregard it .
Kiri walked to the gleaming armored form of the queen. Glowing jewels and reflective metal cast and spread a soft throbbing light.
She had bases that needed to be covered.
Can cut this, repeats the last sentence pretty much. Could pick or choose which one to cut.
[Cutting stuff is always handy.
That they were still on the ground showed that there was not yet a need to deploy them.
Can cut this too, kind of implied by the last statement.
That they were running at idle showed the Company was ready to deploy them at a moment's notice, and yet they had not already been deployed.
"Oh? Must you blame everything mysterious and sinister on me?"
Blame? That's what she's doing? I took the preceding statement to mean something more like, 'Well what do you know about what just happened?' rather then 'What did you do?!', but perhaps Ranma knows what she is and thus we're operating on different levels? A bit confusing.
[I'll add a bit
Taking in the accusation, Kiri stalled. Near-instantly she recovered by putting her hand to her chest and taking an affronted tone. "Oh? Must you blame everything mysterious and sinister on me?"
"I'm not blaming you, but clearly you know something." Ranma's jaw tensed.
ready and attentive."
floating quotation mark
Half of the long range scanners the Canadians bought.
Hm...surprised it's the Canadians and not NORAD really for a sensor network, or liasoned with NORAD but meh minor points and me.
[NORAD is a joint US and Canadian command.
[Also NORAD is more of a global system, where this is a more localized system.
[And WIC does sell quite a lot of equipment to the US military.,
"You know the kind of things the Old Queen had me do. The kind of people she would have me talk with."
The demoness rubbed her forefinger against her thumb.
This kind of makes me question what Setsuna is further now. Considering how easy it is for Ranma to turn others into succubi what's to stop her from just forcefully converting all the Senshi? Could they resist? If one has enough power can they throw it off? I mean I know making a equal succubus it can be, but making a 'daughter' version we've yet to see it resistible. If this is the case and it isn't resistible what chance does humanity have anyway if they can be converted so quickly into their enemies forces since succubi are seemingly by no means the heavy players in the inter-species games, but have reproduction so easy. I mean yes, get the whole selective recruitment thing...but there is a reason why zerging is a viable strategy in RTS's and in some real life scenarios .
[There's a question of being resisted when taken down and being bitten, and resisting by winning in a fight.
[Enough power to throw it off, does imply having enough power to fight it at the point of attempted conversion.
[Though that says more about what the Senshi are than humanity.
she turned and smiled at her daughters, "being suddenly
So they're all awake and on alert but had nothing to say throughout the conversation? Would think a couple of them would be interjecting here plausibly. Couple lines should be tossed to Eve as well. Unless you describe them as doing something else. Perhaps she catches them while they are kitting up explaining why they don't say anything?
[Can elaborate some
Seeing a flash of red, the Senshi of Pluto went straight to the demons. They were kitted up in arms and armor. Though the bulk of the brood had taken the lull to flop down onto whatever chairs or cleared bits of concrete they could find. Half of them were resting not asleep, but more calmly waiting. The rest, including Eve were checking out their gear and equipment. While Nariko and Morrison were intently studying a screen with a scanner read out.
"Really? I just suggested that your spiritual and military leader should switch religions and start looking for terrorists
Hmm...don't think you should have him explain what he meant, just let him laugh to himself and then continue, makes the whole him being better then him a bit less bad ass.
[The thing is that O'Malley is trying to teach Chauncey and enlighten him, to whatever extent is possible.
the protestants have
the Protestants have. Also I don't like the religious bits of this. I never like it when a fictional series introduces religion, so not a fan of the actual Catholic church getting involved. More fake organizations fine, but bringing up an actual Church? Not a fan. And that's not from a religious bent that I have or anything just makes me a little uncomfortable, but that's likely only my perspective.
[Given, the history of the Papal Intelligence service they fit in here.
[Though they're not as directly playing in the situation.
[You won't see something like what happened in Hellsing.
"It's simple. Your conditions are... adequate
This scene seemed...out of place. Things happened in it yes, but they didn't seem really intricate to the rest of the plot...I mean yes we're introducing new protagonist/antagonists but there wasn't enough weight to this scene could really use a bit more spice.
[Technically not new antagonists. Just refreshing ones that had been introduced in hints and such.
"I should have let things be,
I should not have let things be, Is what you meant right?
"Oh look, another costume," Mars laughed as Serenity in her campaigning armor rose.
Huh? Wouldn't the other Senshi have: A. Assumed Setsuna was attacking Usagi and Minako? B. Worry about her hurting them both? C. Be FIGHTING to get Minako back into something at least representing herself not letting this just continue on and on? It's just...weird. I mean the Queen ordering them to let them remain and then them asking if they are her FRIENDS or simply just her subjects and loyal soldiers/retainers would be a rather nice scene really. I mean obviously Ami is going with the fact that they are only subjects and retainers...but is that what Usagi feels? If so doesn't that mean Ami's won? Shouldn't super kindhearted Usagi see that especially if it's brought up and thrown in her face by someone fiery and who speaks their mind like Rei?
[I'll elaborate. As Mars and Jupiter have talked with Kiri about the whole Minako/Usagi situation and want Kiri to do something about it.
Golden brows rose in confusion. "Puu? What's going on?" The queen's gaze shifted to see Mars and Jupiter standing at the doorway. Their metallic armor sullenly reflecting the light.
Standing before the woman, Kiri shrugged. "Just taking some advice." She looked to Mars and Jupiter.
The black-haired young woman gave a firm nod. After a moment's hesitation, Her brunette partner nodded as well.
"You two know what I have to do?" Kiri asked.
Two more nods.
Kiri flexed her fingers. Lengthening by several inches, her nails turned iridescent.
"What is this?" The queen demanded.
"We're worried about you. We're worried about what you're becoming, who you are. But also..." Mars exhaled. "Who are we? Are we your friends? Are we your retainers? Your subjects? What's happening to us?
"Rei, I...." The Queen stopped and looked as if she was trying to cry. Then the human-seeming woman separated her arms, withdrawing her wand cannon and bladed claws from the muff.
"Hmmm, sensible instincts. Finally." Kiri sighed and looked up, above the woman's big blue eyes. "Mina, Imperial override: Case Charlie Threshold."
"Well, if not for myself and the others' you'd still be in that lotus-eater machine
Loses me here. I don't know what just happened in this scene. I don't understand it. Whose who now? What personality changes? When? Really needs some revising for clarity.
[I'll clarify it.
The blonde, Minako dressed as Usagi, smirked and leaned on the taller woman's side.
"Pluto, Pluto, Pluto, what will I do with you?" Usagi, dressed as Serenity, asked, her gem flashing. "Not to mention we still have the DarkStar and Nuit issues to sort out."
[As for personality those two are closer now, in their bonding, and Usagi's a bit more serious, but that's more in realizing how dangerous things had gone.
her skyscraper heels.
Fighter remember? Heels not so good. Can't see her wearing an all out feminine outfit like this unless she's got a solid purpose behind it. Is she trying to seduce them? I mean I can see her dressing sexy, and in an outfit she can fight in, that makes sense to me. But super intricate dresses? That seems to be something her kids should like and which she indulges her kids with more then anything she'll willingly and happily wear herself.
[She's sending a couple messages here.
[Firstly, that she's not in the mood to fight at the moment.
[And you hit the second point with the indulgence, not as much for her kids (though they did help her get into it), but as later on is seen, for Usagi.
"What about you?" Ranma asked her sister.
Eve smiled. "It was some help... kept me until you came along."
I understand this conversation since I'm now going through and revising my comments, but at this point in the conversation this should be made a little clearer.
"What about you?" Ranma asked her sister.
Eve smiled. "Talking to them? It was some help... kept me until you came along."
"If that's not a ringing endorsement of our shrinks I don't know what is." Ranma slipped off her glasses and renewed her warm smile.
"You spent your time off with... him?"
Oh I think she'd be implying a little more in the way of physicality/sexuality here then she did...
"Working with House BlackSky is one of the more... colorful
Huh? I took the whole backstory to be that Ranma's long ago ancestor was a Senshi for a brief period not a prolonged period because of the politics of the situation. So how much and how often did they really associate? Seems a bit odd to state this way like there was a line of succubi senshi which we know was not the case.
[Ah, didn't quite mean that
[["Working with the likes of House BlackSky is one of the more... colorful family traditions."]]
I'm sorry for risking your relationship with such a valuable teammate."
So she's fiery and questioning and angry here? But Mina being worn as a suit and no longer having really individual thought...she didn't say anything about? Odd characterization.
"Well, then. By all means flatter the torturing demon who can be bribed by being fed rapists, and who has been arrogantly insulting you at every turn. I suppose it's natural given what it took to get you to stop using Minako like a fancy coat and new pair of pants. I'm sorry for risking your relationship with such a valuable teammate." Mars bowed her head in mock apology.
"She used human shields to keep you from attacking her." Mars sighed again.
Rei mentioning here that that shouldn't have mattered to her since she so gleefully kills and eats humans and Ranma responding with her own clarification on innocents and such would really enhance this I think. Could easily see Rei say, "Why would that stop you? It only would've been what the hundredth something human you've killed...Or what were you just sad that it was a waste of meat?" Or something like that. I would be interested to see what Ranma would say to that sort of statement.
"Besides I'm not the only one having clandestine moonlit meetings with shady characters." Ranma gave Kiri a meaningful glance. "And yeah, that was clever of Akumi."
"Why would that stop you? You've killed far more humans than that?"
Eying the black-haired woman, the demoness gave a frosty smile. "Because, apparently Akumi knows me far better than you do."
"What's that supposed to mean? She used human shields to keep you from attacking her. Why?"
"Because it worked." The succubus blinked in disbelief. "Yes, I've killed. Lots of times. But the people in that restaurant were not my enemy. They were bystanders, innocents. No, it was your friend that abused a demon's morals to secure her escape."
"Oh." Mars sighed again.
"Luna's staying too," Serenity said looking to the cat.
You know...I don't remember you throwing the cats in before with contact with Ranma. Is Ranma totally over her fear to them now? Is that even still in her psyche in the least? The brief mention this gets later could be made a little better.
[She doesn't like them. And is a bit scared of them, but she can control herself.
"Luna's staying too," Serenity said looking to the cat.
Ranma eyed the cat flaring her nostrils slightly and curling her tail, but made no other comment.
"Oh?" Kiri asked.
through so much and remained so... naïve, so lily-white.
Jealous of that is she? That's quite an intriguing perspective really would like to see more on that statement. You do expand on it a little more...but the innocence, the lily-whiteness...that's what I'd like to see discussed more. Could Usagi actually be the stronger person? That could be really neat to play with. Obviously you don't think so as that's really a big part of this story, the rejection of the SM value system...but should it be done so out of hand here? Could Ranma consider her the stronger person since she stayed human and really never mortgaged her ethics and humanity? Really think you can do more with this here.
[It's not a total rejection. As I do try to have Usagi hold her own on it.
[She doesn't convince Ranma totally, but she doesn't loose her own faith.
It's like it all rolled off of you. Like you never experienced it at all!"
Not so good...wish you had gone about this from the strength perspective. Yes, Usagi remained innocent, wide-eyed and not tactically sound...But is that really SO MUCH a negative when she still always came out on top? That should be what you're focusing on. You're saying Usagi's good nature is a complete negative...and while I get that's kind of what this piece has said to now having that perspective be more fuzzy would be very beneficial to this piece, makes it far deeper and makes the crosses seem more equal. Yes, awful things can and are happening, but WAS Ranma's choice only to embrace his then her demonesshood and violent nature...or could she have come up with another approach? Think you should ask that question here, and don't make the answer readily apparent. Even if the answer was no Ranma couldn't thanks to her children mostly...that isn't completely the answer is it? There were some slight alternative options that were rejected for expediency.
Serenity shook her head. "No. That's not true. You didn't know me... you don't know what I was like. I was just a kid. I fought and I won. I kept winning. Yes..." the queen exhaled. "Yes I made mistakes, mistakes that cost me dearly, but I learned. I didn't give up. I clawed my way up from starting out along being thrown into this mess with just a broach and a cat with no memory..."
[There's a larger point that the situations were vastly different for the two, and Ranma's way may not have worked for Usagi and vice versa.
['ll try to have Usagi be a bit stronger on this.
"Yes, and it can be the better world. Things don't have to be that grim."
This was nice to here, and a good conversation. You should give Usagi better points though as I mentioned here before. But at this point...here...with Ranma still vulnerable we shouldn't go into the mild seduction nor the physical element. Stick with more emotion and less physicality. Stay more psychological. Yes, we're dealing with succubi but a lot of this is the human still left in Ranma talking, at least in my opinion, and treating this in a more human fashion would thus make complete sense. Ranma is a succubus now, I get that. But there should still be lots of bits and pieces that stick around for quite awhile of the human she was, or else you lose something valuable. And also while probably a pretty bad idea wonder what level of effects the Ginzuishou could actually have on Ranma if she tried to use it. Could she actually change him back? Remove the demon parts of her? Seems possible. I know this Ranma would completely reject that, thanks to your quite good character building, but that would be interesting to see as a possible shadowy point. Usagi saying she knows Ranma would reject it, but her asking just because really that's what a friend and good person would do since it's caused him no ends of problems would honestly make sense, although its probably way too late for that now, but then Usagi hasn't really tried to understand who Ranma used to be up to this point has she? Too busy with her grief, missions, and betrayals.
[Spruced up Usagi's points some.
[You pick a very big point on how Usagi didn't actually think about Ranma, and all that she had done.
[As for the offer to turn back, that rock might. It is scary in what it can do.
[As for if Usagi would ask they need to be closer for it to not come off as insulting.
[As you said, Ranma has become to take her demonic identity as a badge of honor of her sacrifice.
"I have failed." Serenity lowered her head
I'm just not into this physicality again. Getting here was too easy, could have had deeper actual philosophical questions before this. This cheapens it up a bit. I could see the scene going to this, but it really could be better if you go deeper before we get here.
[Hmm, I'll clarify.
[[ "I have failed you." Serenity lowered her head and kissed the glossy, ridged surface of the offered horn.
Eyes half closing in bliss, she heard a rusting and the sound of metal on crystal. "Oh?" she removed her glasses and they faded off into a stream of violet shadows.
Serenity held the choker by its four-pointed star. "You are a Senshi, and you have sacrificed for me, but not as a Senshi. I never tired to understand who you are, who you used to be. You came to become jealous of me and I let it stand." Finding her left hand still trapped between the demon's legs, Serenity awkwardly rolled the choker around Ranma's neck. "I didn't treat you like a teammate or a friend, let alone someone willing to fight for me, to protect me."
[That helps if you thought the admission of failure was too much (as it was narrow in what Serenity thinks she failed in).
[But not your concerns about the physicality.
"Cooking us dinner?"
Ranma making a sarcastic comment about meat selection here could be funny.
"Your men are taking the work well?" Galina then asked.
This scene is dragging a little, I'd consider cutting it down a tad. Nice emotional and character driven scene, and while we had some character building here a bit too much on weaponry that seems extraneous after that.
Oh interesting. Are we actually going to see some Outers as Mercury deals with some stuff in Japan? Interesting way to end it.
[Not in 29, but should have something in 30
Overall pretty good. Do think you should go farther emotionally in a couple scenes, and possibly cut down a few scenes or make them weigthier but in the end a nice chapter. Do hope the next chapter is a bit more actiony though, probably have had enough talk in these last few chapters.
[There will be action in 29.
[There will be more in 30. As all this building is going somewhere
[Thanks for the comments. I think they help clear up the story.