The Return ch28

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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 16, 2012 1:10 am

frice2000

and Bavarian styling, it was picturesque.

Hm...I don't know, wouldn't Usagi have a dream featuring a more Japaneseish setting rather then this generic Western one? Seems more like something Minako could plausibly dream of...which I guess considering that they are kind of one being right now that might be plausible. Scary.

[I'll leave up in the air how much Minako is having an influence, and say that Usagi is actually pulling the setting of this dream from TV show.
[I've given some clues as to what it is, but will wonder.

Naru and Mercury were among them, restored as Usagi wished they could be.

But they can be. Shouldn't this be rephrased to something denoting this is sort of her goal because as phrased sounds like you're saying it's impossible...when it really doesn't seem to be at least to me.

[perhaps this clarifies
[[Naru and Mercury were among them, restored as Usagi wished they on day would be.]]

not escape that

not escape her duties.

[Okay

"Well, I never thought... He would

Ellipses don't really flow well with the rest of the line.

[Okay.

In looking they shall find what they seek." She said as ruby snake-eyes glowed.

Could use tone here. I assume she's saying that like she's going to kill all the summoners, but it's not written out explicitly, so just a voice tone description could make this more solid and meaningful.

[[ "And do not blame the summoners. In looking they shall find what they seek," she flatly said as ruby snake-eyes glowed.]]

Not even one with such unique sleeping arrangements," she looked down and the stars embedded in her cheeks grew brighter in something akin to a blush.

So...she's jealous? Embarrassed? Disgusted? What? Kind of wish it was better spelled out. Is a cute little bit though with the monster/goddess being a little weirded out in some fashion too heh.

[Perhaps this is an improvement

[[
Nuit looked Sailor Pluto up and down. "Much the same as you. I am 'She Who Protects'? I have come so that I may enfold and protect you from all things evil," she repeated in the same smooth tone as before. The eyes on her serpent head piece stopped glowing. "Though I'll admit, I don't have a Princess to protect. Not even one with such unique sleeping arrangements," she looked down and the stars embedded in her cheeks grew brighter in something akin to an embarrassed blush.
Setsuna kept her face neutral. She would bet good money that Nuit knew full well about the Venus Armor, but the stellar-woman could be simply referring to the dream-valley. It was galling to have something like Nuit take exception towards the Princess' life, but Setsuna could understand.
]]

Kiri walked to the gleaming armored form of the queen

Wait, I assume it's dark in there right? So then wouldn't the atmosphere surrounding her and the lighting to describe all this for us from Setsuna's perspective be a little muted and off colored? Not a big deal just think you can do more to make the scene a bit more otherworldly and even odder if you describe the light sources and their affects on the appearance, especially if the light is mostly coming from Usagi/Mina. Or you can disregard it :P.

[
Kiri walked to the gleaming armored form of the queen. Glowing jewels and reflective metal cast and spread a soft throbbing light.
]]

She had bases that needed to be covered.

Can cut this, repeats the last sentence pretty much. Could pick or choose which one to cut.

[Cutting stuff is always handy.

That they were still on the ground showed that there was not yet a need to deploy them.

Can cut this too, kind of implied by the last statement.

[[
That they were running at idle showed the Company was ready to deploy them at a moment's notice, and yet they had not already been deployed.
]]

"Oh? Must you blame everything mysterious and sinister on me?"

Blame? That's what she's doing? I took the preceding statement to mean something more like, 'Well what do you know about what just happened?' rather then 'What did you do?!', but perhaps Ranma knows what she is and thus we're operating on different levels? A bit confusing.

[I'll add a bit

[[
Taking in the accusation, Kiri stalled. Near-instantly she recovered by putting her hand to her chest and taking an affronted tone. "Oh? Must you blame everything mysterious and sinister on me?"
"I'm not blaming you, but clearly you know something." Ranma's jaw tensed.
]]

ready and attentive."

floating quotation mark

['k

Half of the long range scanners the Canadians bought.

Hm...surprised it's the Canadians and not NORAD really for a sensor network, or liasoned with NORAD but meh minor points and me.

[NORAD is a joint US and Canadian command.
[Also NORAD is more of a global system, where this is a more localized system.

[And WIC does sell quite a lot of equipment to the US military.,

"You know the kind of things the Old Queen had me do. The kind of people she would have me talk with."

The demoness rubbed her forefinger against her thumb.

This kind of makes me question what Setsuna is further now. Considering how easy it is for Ranma to turn others into succubi what's to stop her from just forcefully converting all the Senshi? Could they resist? If one has enough power can they throw it off? I mean I know making a equal succubus it can be, but making a 'daughter' version we've yet to see it resistible. If this is the case and it isn't resistible what chance does humanity have anyway if they can be converted so quickly into their enemies forces since succubi are seemingly by no means the heavy players in the inter-species games, but have reproduction so easy. I mean yes, get the whole selective recruitment thing...but there is a reason why zerging is a viable strategy in RTS's and in some real life scenarios :P.

[There's a question of being resisted when taken down and being bitten, and resisting by winning in a fight.
[Enough power to throw it off, does imply having enough power to fight it at the point of attempted conversion.

[Though that says more about what the Senshi are than humanity.


she turned and smiled at her daughters, "being suddenly

So they're all awake and on alert but had nothing to say throughout the conversation? Would think a couple of them would be interjecting here plausibly. Couple lines should be tossed to Eve as well. Unless you describe them as doing something else. Perhaps she catches them while they are kitting up explaining why they don't say anything?

[Can elaborate some

[[
Seeing a flash of red, the Senshi of Pluto went straight to the demons. They were kitted up in arms and armor. Though the bulk of the brood had taken the lull to flop down onto whatever chairs or cleared bits of concrete they could find. Half of them were resting not asleep, but more calmly waiting. The rest, including Eve were checking out their gear and equipment. While Nariko and Morrison were intently studying a screen with a scanner read out.
]]

"Really? I just suggested that your spiritual and military leader should switch religions and start looking for terrorists

Hmm...don't think you should have him explain what he meant, just let him laugh to himself and then continue, makes the whole him being better then him a bit less bad ass.

[The thing is that O'Malley is trying to teach Chauncey and enlighten him, to whatever extent is possible.

the protestants have

the Protestants have. Also I don't like the religious bits of this. I never like it when a fictional series introduces religion, so not a fan of the actual Catholic church getting involved. More fake organizations fine, but bringing up an actual Church? Not a fan. And that's not from a religious bent that I have or anything just makes me a little uncomfortable, but that's likely only my perspective.

[Given, the history of the Papal Intelligence service they fit in here.
[Though they're not as directly playing in the situation.
[You won't see something like what happened in Hellsing.

"It's simple. Your conditions are... adequate

This scene seemed...out of place. Things happened in it yes, but they didn't seem really intricate to the rest of the plot...I mean yes we're introducing new protagonist/antagonists but there wasn't enough weight to this scene could really use a bit more spice.

[Technically not new antagonists. Just refreshing ones that had been introduced in hints and such.

"I should have let things be,

I should not have let things be, Is what you meant right?

[Correct.

"Oh look, another costume," Mars laughed as Serenity in her campaigning armor rose.

Huh? Wouldn't the other Senshi have: A. Assumed Setsuna was attacking Usagi and Minako? B. Worry about her hurting them both? C. Be FIGHTING to get Minako back into something at least representing herself not letting this just continue on and on? It's just...weird. I mean the Queen ordering them to let them remain and then them asking if they are her FRIENDS or simply just her subjects and loyal soldiers/retainers would be a rather nice scene really. I mean obviously Ami is going with the fact that they are only subjects and retainers...but is that what Usagi feels? If so doesn't that mean Ami's won? Shouldn't super kindhearted Usagi see that especially if it's brought up and thrown in her face by someone fiery and who speaks their mind like Rei?

[I'll elaborate. As Mars and Jupiter have talked with Kiri about the whole Minako/Usagi situation and want Kiri to do something about it.

[[
Golden brows rose in confusion. "Puu? What's going on?" The queen's gaze shifted to see Mars and Jupiter standing at the doorway. Their metallic armor sullenly reflecting the light.
Standing before the woman, Kiri shrugged. "Just taking some advice." She looked to Mars and Jupiter.
The black-haired young woman gave a firm nod. After a moment's hesitation, Her brunette partner nodded as well.
"You two know what I have to do?" Kiri asked.
Two more nods.
Kiri flexed her fingers. Lengthening by several inches, her nails turned iridescent.
"What is this?" The queen demanded.
"We're worried about you. We're worried about what you're becoming, who you are. But also..." Mars exhaled. "Who are we? Are we your friends? Are we your retainers? Your subjects? What's happening to us?
"Rei, I...." The Queen stopped and looked as if she was trying to cry. Then the human-seeming woman separated her arms, withdrawing her wand cannon and bladed claws from the muff.
"Hmmm, sensible instincts. Finally." Kiri sighed and looked up, above the woman's big blue eyes. "Mina, Imperial override: Case Charlie Threshold."
]]

"Well, if not for myself and the others' you'd still be in that lotus-eater machine

Loses me here. I don't know what just happened in this scene. I don't understand it. Whose who now? What personality changes? When? Really needs some revising for clarity.

[I'll clarify it.

[[
The blonde, Minako dressed as Usagi, smirked and leaned on the taller woman's side.
"Pluto, Pluto, Pluto, what will I do with you?" Usagi, dressed as Serenity, asked, her gem flashing. "Not to mention we still have the DarkStar and Nuit issues to sort out."
]]

[As for personality those two are closer now, in their bonding, and Usagi's a bit more serious, but that's more in realizing how dangerous things had gone.

her skyscraper heels.

Fighter remember? Heels not so good. Can't see her wearing an all out feminine outfit like this unless she's got a solid purpose behind it. Is she trying to seduce them? I mean I can see her dressing sexy, and in an outfit she can fight in, that makes sense to me. But super intricate dresses? That seems to be something her kids should like and which she indulges her kids with more then anything she'll willingly and happily wear herself.

[She's sending a couple messages here.
[Firstly, that she's not in the mood to fight at the moment.
[And you hit the second point with the indulgence, not as much for her kids (though they did help her get into it), but as later on is seen, for Usagi.

"What about you?" Ranma asked her sister.

Eve smiled. "It was some help... kept me until you came along."

I understand this conversation since I'm now going through and revising my comments, but at this point in the conversation this should be made a little clearer.

[Clearer?
[[
"What about you?" Ranma asked her sister.
Eve smiled. "Talking to them? It was some help... kept me until you came along."
"If that's not a ringing endorsement of our shrinks I don't know what is." Ranma slipped off her glasses and renewed her warm smile.
]]

"You spent your time off with... him?"

Oh I think she'd be implying a little more in the way of physicality/sexuality here then she did...

[Hmmm, really?

"Working with House BlackSky is one of the more... colorful

Huh? I took the whole backstory to be that Ranma's long ago ancestor was a Senshi for a brief period not a prolonged period because of the politics of the situation. So how much and how often did they really associate? Seems a bit odd to state this way like there was a line of succubi senshi which we know was not the case.

[Ah, didn't quite mean that

[["Working with the likes of House BlackSky is one of the more... colorful family traditions."]]

[Better?

I'm sorry for risking your relationship with such a valuable teammate."

So she's fiery and questioning and angry here? But Mina being worn as a suit and no longer having really individual thought...she didn't say anything about? Odd characterization.

[Good point
[[
"Well, then. By all means flatter the torturing demon who can be bribed by being fed rapists, and who has been arrogantly insulting you at every turn. I suppose it's natural given what it took to get you to stop using Minako like a fancy coat and new pair of pants. I'm sorry for risking your relationship with such a valuable teammate." Mars bowed her head in mock apology.
]]

"She used human shields to keep you from attacking her." Mars sighed again.

Rei mentioning here that that shouldn't have mattered to her since she so gleefully kills and eats humans and Ranma responding with her own clarification on innocents and such would really enhance this I think. Could easily see Rei say, "Why would that stop you? It only would've been what the hundredth something human you've killed...Or what were you just sad that it was a waste of meat?" Or something like that. I would be interested to see what Ranma would say to that sort of statement.

[[
"Besides I'm not the only one having clandestine moonlit meetings with shady characters." Ranma gave Kiri a meaningful glance. "And yeah, that was clever of Akumi."
"Why would that stop you? You've killed far more humans than that?"
Eying the black-haired woman, the demoness gave a frosty smile. "Because, apparently Akumi knows me far better than you do."
"What's that supposed to mean? She used human shields to keep you from attacking her. Why?"
"Because it worked." The succubus blinked in disbelief. "Yes, I've killed. Lots of times. But the people in that restaurant were not my enemy. They were bystanders, innocents. No, it was your friend that abused a demon's morals to secure her escape."
"Oh." Mars sighed again.
]]

"Luna's staying too," Serenity said looking to the cat.

You know...I don't remember you throwing the cats in before with contact with Ranma. Is Ranma totally over her fear to them now? Is that even still in her psyche in the least? The brief mention this gets later could be made a little better.

[She doesn't like them. And is a bit scared of them, but she can control herself.

[[
"Luna's staying too," Serenity said looking to the cat.
Ranma eyed the cat flaring her nostrils slightly and curling her tail, but made no other comment.
"Oh?" Kiri asked.
]]

through so much and remained so... naïve, so lily-white.

Jealous of that is she? That's quite an intriguing perspective really would like to see more on that statement. You do expand on it a little more...but the innocence, the lily-whiteness...that's what I'd like to see discussed more. Could Usagi actually be the stronger person? That could be really neat to play with. Obviously you don't think so as that's really a big part of this story, the rejection of the SM value system...but should it be done so out of hand here? Could Ranma consider her the stronger person since she stayed human and really never mortgaged her ethics and humanity? Really think you can do more with this here.

[It's not a total rejection. As I do try to have Usagi hold her own on it.
[She doesn't convince Ranma totally, but she doesn't loose her own faith.

It's like it all rolled off of you. Like you never experienced it at all!"

Not so good...wish you had gone about this from the strength perspective. Yes, Usagi remained innocent, wide-eyed and not tactically sound...But is that really SO MUCH a negative when she still always came out on top? That should be what you're focusing on. You're saying Usagi's good nature is a complete negative...and while I get that's kind of what this piece has said to now having that perspective be more fuzzy would be very beneficial to this piece, makes it far deeper and makes the crosses seem more equal. Yes, awful things can and are happening, but WAS Ranma's choice only to embrace his then her demonesshood and violent nature...or could she have come up with another approach? Think you should ask that question here, and don't make the answer readily apparent. Even if the answer was no Ranma couldn't thanks to her children mostly...that isn't completely the answer is it? There were some slight alternative options that were rejected for expediency.

[[
Serenity shook her head. "No. That's not true. You didn't know me... you don't know what I was like. I was just a kid. I fought and I won. I kept winning. Yes..." the queen exhaled. "Yes I made mistakes, mistakes that cost me dearly, but I learned. I didn't give up. I clawed my way up from starting out along being thrown into this mess with just a broach and a cat with no memory..."
]]

[There's a larger point that the situations were vastly different for the two, and Ranma's way may not have worked for Usagi and vice versa.

['ll try to have Usagi be a bit stronger on this.

"Yes, and it can be the better world. Things don't have to be that grim."

This was nice to here, and a good conversation. You should give Usagi better points though as I mentioned here before. But at this point...here...with Ranma still vulnerable we shouldn't go into the mild seduction nor the physical element. Stick with more emotion and less physicality. Stay more psychological. Yes, we're dealing with succubi but a lot of this is the human still left in Ranma talking, at least in my opinion, and treating this in a more human fashion would thus make complete sense. Ranma is a succubus now, I get that. But there should still be lots of bits and pieces that stick around for quite awhile of the human she was, or else you lose something valuable. And also while probably a pretty bad idea wonder what level of effects the Ginzuishou could actually have on Ranma if she tried to use it. Could she actually change him back? Remove the demon parts of her? Seems possible. I know this Ranma would completely reject that, thanks to your quite good character building, but that would be interesting to see as a possible shadowy point. Usagi saying she knows Ranma would reject it, but her asking just because really that's what a friend and good person would do since it's caused him no ends of problems would honestly make sense, although its probably way too late for that now, but then Usagi hasn't really tried to understand who Ranma used to be up to this point has she? Too busy with her grief, missions, and betrayals.

[Spruced up Usagi's points some.
[You pick a very big point on how Usagi didn't actually think about Ranma, and all that she had done.

[As for the offer to turn back, that rock might. It is scary in what it can do.
[As for if Usagi would ask they need to be closer for it to not come off as insulting.
[As you said, Ranma has become to take her demonic identity as a badge of honor of her sacrifice.


"I have failed." Serenity lowered her head

I'm just not into this physicality again. Getting here was too easy, could have had deeper actual philosophical questions before this. This cheapens it up a bit. I could see the scene going to this, but it really could be better if you go deeper before we get here.

[Hmm, I'll clarify.

[[ "I have failed you." Serenity lowered her head and kissed the glossy, ridged surface of the offered horn.
Eyes half closing in bliss, she heard a rusting and the sound of metal on crystal. "Oh?" she removed her glasses and they faded off into a stream of violet shadows.
Serenity held the choker by its four-pointed star. "You are a Senshi, and you have sacrificed for me, but not as a Senshi. I never tired to understand who you are, who you used to be. You came to become jealous of me and I let it stand." Finding her left hand still trapped between the demon's legs, Serenity awkwardly rolled the choker around Ranma's neck. "I didn't treat you like a teammate or a friend, let alone someone willing to fight for me, to protect me."
]]
[That helps if you thought the admission of failure was too much (as it was narrow in what Serenity thinks she failed in).
[But not your concerns about the physicality.

"Cooking us dinner?"

Ranma making a sarcastic comment about meat selection here could be funny.

"Your men are taking the work well?" Galina then asked.

This scene is dragging a little, I'd consider cutting it down a tad. Nice emotional and character driven scene, and while we had some character building here a bit too much on weaponry that seems extraneous after that.

Oh interesting. Are we actually going to see some Outers as Mercury deals with some stuff in Japan? Interesting way to end it.

[Not in 29, but should have something in 30

Overall pretty good. Do think you should go farther emotionally in a couple scenes, and possibly cut down a few scenes or make them weigthier but in the end a nice chapter. Do hope the next chapter is a bit more actiony though, probably have had enough talk in these last few chapters.

[There will be action in 29.
[There will be more in 30. As all this building is going somewhere

[Thanks for the comments. I think they help clear up the story.
Sunshine Temple
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:28 am

wished they on day would be

wished they one day would be. Hmm...wished might not be the best term...Since it's Usagi it's not a wish it should be more a FACT for her. A logical things will always be good thing, maybe having the dream fracture a little when she thinks that since her perspective is changing and bad things are actually really starting to happen to her and her senshi and they aren't completely fixable. Could show a bit of darkness in this happy go lucky dream if only for a brief second. Hmm...could actually do these dreams more often to show an analogue to her changing world view as they become increasingly more real world.

It was galling to have something like Nuit take exception

I mean hell tentacles and snakes usually don't cover the whole body inside and out...well usually...Heh nice addition.

Glowing jewels and reflective metal cast and spread

I don't know, just thought you could make Setsuna even be creeped out a bit by the light show. Like she looks at her face and it's got a silvery glow, she can read by the amount of light it puts out, etc. Just feels like it could show a lot of her growing inhumanity by that too. Not necessarily needed but someone emitting that amount of light by just themselves must be pretty creepy to look at.

and yet they had not already been deployed.

Still don't think you need this. Saying, 'idle' kind of covers that.

"I'm not blaming you, but clearly you know something." Ranma's jaw tensed.

Nice line, but the problem I have with Ranma is she's a bit weird right now. At some points she's sexy seductive succubus when cornered or 'playing' at others, she doesn't do that at all and is more serious. I just wonder how and when she turns off the flirtatiousness that she's putting on more and more often and effortlessly. Not doing it here now because she's in a military situation? Guess that'd make sense.

[NORAD is a joint US and Canadian command.

I know, and I know this is a small local concern in a way, but still NORAD and Space Command I could totally see wanting a sensor network of the US and since it's already a joint Canadian command of course Canada and Alaska too...would make sense. Heh, helps with the Stargate flirting too :P.

Can elaborate some

Makes sense a bit better now, still think Eve might interject considering her position too a little though.

What is this?" The queen demanded.
"We're worried about you. We're worried about what you're becoming,

This is a great addition very nice. I would maybe just add Serenity here saying something like, 'I order you to explain this/stand down/Answer your queen' and then with Rei's comment it bringing her out of it even more. Might be healthy. Also after this addition could maybe even use a little more with her asking for their forgiveness in a more solid way before moving onto Ranma's entrance. I mean Usagi is sorry but then it just kind of goes to humor a little quickly. Should really have a bit of her thanking them for saving her from becoming exactly what Ami wanted her to become.

She's sending a couple messages here.
[Firstly, that she's not in the mood to fight at the moment.

Eh, that's the thing though even though she's trying to send a message of not being about to fight it should still be in her nature to always be ready to defend herself and ready to fight considering her upbringing which really shouldn't be subsumed by her succubus nature. So the shoes more then anything...iffy. I suppose she can just change her outfit in like 3 seconds though but yeah it's probably me over-thinking things. Hmm...maybe you could even have her trying to be all sexy here like she did with 'Chuck' in the interlude but continue to have little quirks in it as she did there.

[Clearer?

Yep clearer. Maybe throw in a line of Usagi asking, 'What's wrong?' Which leads into that whole conversation really well.

[["Working with the likes of House BlackSky is one of the more... colorful family traditions."]]

[Better?

Fits a lot better but, I'd say not even 'the likes' just say something like, 'Working with some of the more...exotic species, gods, demons, and cultures is one of the more colorful Serenity family traditions.'

Well, then. By all means flatter the torturing demon who can be

Much nicer line. Hmm, I'd say have Ranma respond to her increasing ire and statements by eventually just really making her uncomfortable with some physicality. Even though I mention later to tone that down with Usagi it'd work with her, even after she insults her with the next exchange too. Especially since Ranma might think something along the lines of, 'She's making me angry but she is fiery...Maybe she'd be a good meal...or convert.' Could play a lot of games with Rei/Ranma relationship and we haven't had one but for a few lines. Hell having Rei being the one turned considering the fact that she is the most religious senshi could be something quite different, though you did mention the sesnhi are something 'different' so that might not be possible, though perhaps that's going too far and would take up too much story time.

and curling her tail

I'd mention the filaments coming out for a brief second too before she withdraws them.

"I was hardly fourteen! I was playing princess!"

You know a good additional point here is to throw in the fact that no one EVER taught her how to fight. Ranma actually could've been prepared and wouldn't have been scared. Hell Usagi was given magical abilities and had absolutely no physical skill or fighting prowess or training to be ready to actually fight. I mean really it's amazing she survived. Hell could go with a darker tack and mention injuries she received, scars she got, having friends and family ask if her boyfriend/parents were beating her because of unexplained black-eyes/brusies/cuts, etc by simply acting likes she's more and more of a clutz and also mention how she lost pretty much all of her non-Senshi friends hence her problems with Naru for example in this story. I mean that's probably not strictly canon...but yeah could be powerful.

[As for the offer to turn back, that rock might. It is scary in what it can do.
[As for if Usagi would ask they need to be closer for it to not come off as insulting.

That's probably true it would come across as quite insulting...Still isn't that the ultimate proof that Usagi respects Ranma as a Senshi and her sacrifices if she willingly says...if you want to give it up I will allow you too but I know you won't want to but I feel too guilty not to offer it? Say Genma finds out it's reversible could see him getting involved in this story again with that sort of plot point. Genma and Soun actually could get some story time with that kind of idea around. Maybe not even a flat out and out reversion to humanity being offered but possibly a half and half position again, which Ranma would likely at this point reject but still with THAT back the temptation would actually be huge.

But not your concerns about the physicality.

I'm just concerned that the physicality slightly cheapens the emotional aspects of the scene. I know succubi are all physical and emotional and that makes perfect sense...amongst themselves and those they are really close to. The question I have then is does Ranma consider Usagi really already part of her brood like she does the others she's been this physical and huggy with? If so that seems a little more advanced then their conversations would seem to indicate. I mean yes, she's played with Setsuna and others before but that was just that....either 'playing' or preparing for 'feeding' this feels different. I'd just delay the physical closeness till Usagi convinces her more that she's on the up and up and wants to connect with her more, then it means something more. Can still happen this chapter just push it back a tad.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 16, 2012 3:41 pm

Frice2000
wished they on day would be

wished they one day would be. Hmm...wished might not be the best term...Since it's Usagi it's not a wish it should be more a FACT for her. A logical things will always be good thing, maybe having the dream fracture a little when she thinks that since her perspective is changing and bad things are actually really starting to happen to her and her senshi and they aren't completely fixable. Could show a bit of darkness in this happy go lucky dream if only for a brief second. Hmm...could actually do these dreams more often to show an analogue to her changing world view as they become increasingly more real world.

[Given Nuit's presence in this dream any encroaching darkness may be blamed her.
[As for the wish. I think it stands. If she captured them, yes she would have the power, but as far she cannot capture them, hence that it's something she desires.

It was galling to have something like Nuit take exception

I mean hell tentacles and snakes usually don't cover the whole body inside and out...well usually...Heh nice addition.

[Heh. Thanks.
[Yeah, Nuit's fun.

Glowing jewels and reflective metal cast and spread

I don't know, just thought you could make Setsuna even be creeped out a bit by the light show. Like she looks at her face and it's got a silvery glow, she can read by the amount of light it puts out, etc. Just feels like it could show a lot of her growing inhumanity by that too. Not necessarily needed but someone emitting that amount of light by just themselves must be pretty creepy to look at.

[[
Her face literally was a silver mask that shone with nearly enough light to read by. Her lips were gold, but unlike Nuit her eyes were solid blue crystal. She also put Nuit's hair to shame. The Queen bore a solid helmet of white gold armor that had been sculpted into a high bouffant that also covered the back and sides of her head.
]]
[[
This time Kiri's sigh was deeper, resigned, and apprehensive. She supposed that was accurate. The whole armor was a monument to both Usagi's and Minako's fears. She shook her head. Makoto and Rei were right. Especially when compared to the likes of Nuit or the likes of DarkStar, this armor-Queen was an imitator.
]]

and yet they had not already been deployed.

Still don't think you need this. Saying, 'idle' kind of covers that.

[I suppose. I guess I'm just a bit worried about clarity.

"I'm not blaming you, but clearly you know something." Ranma's jaw tensed.

Nice line, but the problem I have with Ranma is she's a bit weird right now. At some points she's sexy seductive succubus when cornered or 'playing' at others, she doesn't do that at all and is more serious. I just wonder how and when she turns off the flirtatiousness that she's putting on more and more often and effortlessly. Not doing it here now because she's in a military situation? Guess that'd make sense.

[Correct. A big hint is how she's dressed.
[Here she's in her combat gear, but other times when she's being serious she'd be sensibly dressed.
[Where her more outrageous clothes are saved for other situations.

[NORAD is a joint US and Canadian command.

I know, and I know this is a small local concern in a way, but still NORAD and Space Command I could totally see wanting a sensor network of the US and since it's already a joint Canadian command of course Canada and Alaska too...would make sense. Heh, helps with the Stargate flirting too :P.

[Yes, and WIC does want to build up a bigger network and have more scanning and later more jamming capabilities.

Can elaborate some

Makes sense a bit better now, still think Eve might interject considering her position too a little though.

[Might, but do like that conversation being just Ranma and Puu.

What is this?" The queen demanded.
"We're worried about you. We're worried about what you're becoming,

This is a great addition very nice. I would maybe just add Serenity here saying something like, 'I order you to explain this/stand down/Answer your queen' and then with Rei's comment it bringing her out of it even more. Might be healthy. Also after this addition could maybe even use a little more with her asking for their forgiveness in a more solid way before moving onto Ranma's entrance. I mean Usagi is sorry but then it just kind of goes to humor a little quickly. Should really have a bit of her thanking them for saving her from becoming exactly what Ami wanted her to become.

[Very good.
[[
"Rei, I...." The golden woman stopped and looked as if she was trying to cry. Then the human-seeming woman separated her arms, withdrawing her wand cannon and bladed claws from the muff. "Stand down! Answer your Queen," she demanded her voice deepening.
"Hmmm, sensible instincts. Finally." Kiri sighed and looked up, above the woman's big blue eyes. "Mina, Imperial override: Case Charlie Threshold."
]]

[[
The blonde, Minako dressed as Usagi, smirked and leaned on the taller woman's side.

"Pluto, Pluto, Pluto, what will I do with you?" Usagi, dressed as Serenity, asked, her gem flashing. Her expression turned grave. "I suppose I should thank you." She turned to the others. "And you two."
Serenity clasped her hands and bowed at her waist.
Minako held her tongue.
"I'm sorry. I was greedy. I took advantage of... all of you." Serenity rose back up. "And we don't have time for me to run off and hide. We still have the DarkStar and Nuit issues to sort out."
]]


She's sending a couple messages here.
[Firstly, that she's not in the mood to fight at the moment.

Eh, that's the thing though even though she's trying to send a message of not being about to fight it should still be in her nature to always be ready to defend herself and ready to fight considering her upbringing which really shouldn't be subsumed by her succubus nature. So the shoes more then anything...iffy. I suppose she can just change her outfit in like 3 seconds though but yeah it's probably me over-thinking things. Hmm...maybe you could even have her trying to be all sexy here like she did with 'Chuck' in the interlude but continue to have little quirks in it as she did there.

[Possible, though some of the quirks were due to gender orientation issues.
[Which is not as present with Usagi/Serenity.

[Clearer?

Yep clearer. Maybe throw in a line of Usagi asking, 'What's wrong?' Which leads into that whole conversation really well.

[[
"If that's not a ringing endorsement of our shrinks I don't know what is." Ranma slipped off her glasses and renewed her warm smile.
"What's wrong?" Serenity asked catching Ranma's eye.
"No!" Minako's voice cried in Serenity's mind via the gem. "Look away."
]]

[["Working with the likes of House BlackSky is one of the more... colorful family traditions."]]

[Better?

Fits a lot better but, I'd say not even 'the likes' just say something like, 'Working with some of the more...exotic species, gods, demons, and cultures is one of the more colorful Serenity family traditions.'

[Hmm, don't want Luna to be explicit with the actual types of other powers that Serenity has dealt with.

Well, then. By all means flatter the torturing demon who can be

Much nicer line. Hmm, I'd say have Ranma respond to her increasing ire and statements by eventually just really making her uncomfortable with some physicality. Even though I mention later to tone that down with Usagi it'd work with her, even after she insults her with the next exchange too. Especially since Ranma might think something along the lines of, 'She's making me angry but she is fiery...Maybe she'd be a good meal...or convert.' Could play a lot of games with Rei/Ranma relationship and we haven't had one but for a few lines. Hell having Rei being the one turned considering the fact that she is the most religious senshi could be something quite different, though you did mention the sesnhi are something 'different' so that might not be possible, though perhaps that's going too far and would take up too much story time.

[Well, a dirty secret is that Ranma and Rei are the same religion.
[I could mention how Ranma isn't even going to open that can of worms by telling Rei.

[Also Ranma does get a few digs in with the Mercury's human shields line.

and curling her tail

I'd mention the filaments coming out for a brief second too before she withdraws them.

[Good add
[[
Ranma eyed the cat flaring her nostrils slightly, curling her tail, which had its razor filaments extend out before the demoness withdrew them back in, but made no other comment.
]]

"I was hardly fourteen! I was playing princess!"

You know a good additional point here is to throw in the fact that no one EVER taught her how to fight. Ranma actually could've been prepared and wouldn't have been scared. Hell Usagi was given magical abilities and had absolutely no physical skill or fighting prowess or training to be ready to actually fight. I mean really it's amazing she survived. Hell could take bits and pieces from something like Sailor Nothing, with a darker tack and mention injuries she received, scars she got, having friends and family ask if her boyfriend/parents were beating her because of unexplained black-eyes/brusies/cuts, etc by simply acting likes she's more and more of a clutz and also mention how she lost pretty much all of her non-Senshi friends hence her problems with Naru for example in this story. I mean that's probably not strictly canon...but yeah could be powerful.

[I took the klutz and bruises comment a different way
[[
"I was hardly fourteen! I was playing princess!" Serenity nearly screamed. "You can't make short what I've been through. I didn't have training like you, I didn't spend my whole life learning to fight. I didn't have a mercenary army to help me. No one taught me how to fight.
"It's a good thing I was already a klutz." Serenity gave a pained laugh. "That way my parents didn’t question the bruises and cuts. Nope just silly little clumsy-bunny. I was alone. Then later... we were alone."
]]

[As for the offer to turn back, that rock might. It is scary in what it can do.
[As for if Usagi would ask they need to be closer for it to not come off as insulting.

That's probably true it would come across as quite insulting...Still isn't that the ultimate proof that Usagi respects Ranma as a Senshi and her sacrifices if she willingly says...if you want to give it up I will allow you too but I know you won't want to but I feel too guilty not to offer it? Say Genma finds out it's reversible could see him getting involved in this story again with that sort of plot point. Genma and Soun actually could get some story time with that kind of idea around. Maybe not even a flat out and out reversion to humanity being offered but possibly a half and half position again, which Ranma would likely at this point reject but still with THAT back the temptation would actually be huge.

[True. That would also show how "far" Ranma has come where even "halfway" is too much.
[Though Usagi has to also be careful because she knows Ranma would not want the offer.

But not your concerns about the physicality.

I'm just concerned that the physicality slightly cheapens the emotional aspects of the scene. I know succubi are all physical and emotional and that makes perfect sense...amongst themselves and those they are really close to. The question I have then is does Ranma consider Usagi really already part of her brood like she does the others she's been this physical and huggy with? If so that seems a little more advanced then their conversations would seem to indicate. I mean yes, she's played with Setsuna and others before but that was just that....either 'playing' or preparing for 'feeding' this feels different. I'd just delay the physical closeness till Usagi convinces her more that she's on the up and up and wants to connect with her more, then it means something more. Can still happen this chapter just push it back a tad.

[She considers Usagi close. Close enough to touch and play with.
[What she is doing with Usagi does show a lot of trust.

[[
Feeling the succubus's warm breath and body. Serenity swallowed. "I..." She closed her eyes and rebuilt her concentration. "I promise. I will not abuse your trust." She reached out and took the demon's cheek in her hand. "My strength is not like your strength, but I have fought, I have won. But... I'll listen to you. I told you no one ever taught me."
Ranma lightly leaned into the physical contact, satisfaction and cautious longing bubbled up.
Feeling then emotional pressure, Serenity kept looking into the demon's eyes. "This is too..."
"Too much?" Using her feet, Ranma pushed herself forward and twisted so that her thighs slid atop Serenity's lap with her legs dangling between Serenity's pressing over the silver-haired woman's dress. The demoness unsummoned her wings and curled her tail around Serenity's waist. Keeping pressure on Serenity's hand, Ranma made sure it was against the uppermost part of the inner half of her thigh.
]]

[Thanks for the comments!

[have updated the posted chapter.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 4:05 pm

Yeah, Nuit's fun.

Well I Wikied her after reading about her presence in your fic, since I assumed you were talking about someone in the Egyptian pantheon. Interesting goddess to pick with the whole Sun element. Don't know how you'd express that bit in regards to abilities in your story but it'll be fun to see what exactly is up with her.

I took advantage of... all of you."

Could toss on something like, 'it won't happen again' followed by the tone she says it to make it a little bit stronger but still like the addition.

[Well, a dirty secret is that Ranma and Rei are the same religion.
[I could mention how Ranma isn't even going to open that can of worms by telling Rei.

That could actually be rather interesting at some later point. Rei catches Ranma at a shrine doing a traditional shinto practice? Maybe she does one with her children and sister and she sees them doing it? Could just be something minor, but yeah that'd be intriguing especially in her response to learning such information.

Ranma eyed the cat flaring her nostrils slightly, curling her tail, which had its razor filaments extend out before the demoness withdrew them back in, but made no other comment.

That works quite well now, would just throw in a line of maybe Luna slowly hiding behind Usagi maybe because I'm sure Luna would've caught the body language.

That way my parents didn’t question the bruises and cuts. Nope just silly little clumsy-bunny. I was alone. Then later... we were alone."

Ranma, Setsuna, and Luna should all have a reaction to that too. Luna especially that should make her feel really quite guilty since she along with all the other Senshi really do love Usagi and she is the one that foisted the duty upon her.

[True. That would also show how "far" Ranma has come where even "halfway" is too much.
[Though Usagi has to also be careful because she knows Ranma would not want the offer.

I suppose but a question I think Usagi might be asking herself is why she didn't ask earlier? Why did she just let it continue on if it is possibly reversible? Scared of the demons? I don't know it's an odd little non-action on her part. Perhaps she was in a little bit of shock and grief I suppose, that would make a lot of sense.

"Too much?" Using her feet, Ranma pushed

Hmm...reading this part again if we're not pushing back the physicality maybe going a little further here...After she says, "Too much?" maybe she says "Too little?" and does something more intimate smelling Usagi to see if she likes it before backing off considering the others in the room and Setsuna's gradually increasing simmering alarm? That'd fit in with the succubus nature and using all her senses too, makes the interaction even less human too no? Really can see your Ranma tweak a nipple or something and smell for Usagi's reaction before smiling and backing off a little. Seems in character. Also would give a little bit of nice insight on to how Usagi really feels right now which I take to be some mild arousal but still, could be a good confirmation.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:37 pm

Frice2000

Yeah, Nuit's fun.

Well I Wikied her after reading about her presence in your fic, since I assumed you were talking about someone in the Egyptian pantheon. Interesting goddess to pick with the whole Sun element. Don't know how you'd express that bit in regards to abilities in your story but it'll be fun to see what exactly is up with her.

[And the night sky elements too.
[Hehe.

I took advantage of... all of you."

Could toss on something like, 'it won't happen again' followed by the tone she says it to make it a little bit stronger but still like the addition.

[[
"I'm sorry. I was greedy. I took advantage of... all of you. It will not happen again." Serenity rose back up. "And we don't have time for me to run off and hide. We still have the DarkStar and Nuit issues to sort out."
]]

[Well, a dirty secret is that Ranma and Rei are the same religion.
[I could mention how Ranma isn't even going to open that can of worms by telling Rei.

That could actually be rather interesting at some later point. Rei catches Ranma at a shrine doing a traditional shinto practice? Maybe she does one with her children and sister and she sees them doing it? Could just be something minor, but yeah that'd be intriguing especially in her response to learning such information.

[Actually yeah, that would work very well.
[Since instead of Ranma saying anything about it, Rei spots them.
[There is not an actual shrine in Toronto, but this is fiction.

Ranma eyed the cat flaring her nostrils slightly, curling her tail, which had its razor filaments extend out before the demoness withdrew them back in, but made no other comment.

That works quite well now, would just throw in a line of maybe Luna slowly hiding behind Usagi maybe because I'm sure Luna would've caught the body language.

[[
Ranma eyed the cat flaring her nostrils slightly, curling her tail, which had its razor filaments extend out before the demoness withdrew them back in, but made no other comment.
"Oh?" Kiri asked.
"She's been with me from the start," Serenity stated.
Bowing her head, Luna backed away from the demoness.
]]

That way my parents didn’t question the bruises and cuts. Nope just silly little clumsy-bunny. I was alone. Then later... we were alone."

Ranma, Setsuna, and Luna should all have a reaction to that too. Luna especially that should make her feel really quite guilty since she along with all the other Senshi really do love Usagi and she is the one that foisted the duty upon her.

[
alone. Then later... we were alone."
Feeling guilty, Luna leaned and nuzzled Serenity while Kiri held the taller woman's shoulder and squeezed.
Watching, the demoness crossed her arms, thinking of the training her Father was putting her through at fourteen. As she reflected her anger lessened, and her sympathy for Usagi grew. Genma had put her through hell for years on end, but what the Senshi went through at Antarctica was a special kind of pain.
]]

[True. That would also show how "far" Ranma has come where even "halfway" is too much.
[Though Usagi has to also be careful because she knows Ranma would not want the offer.

I suppose but a question I think Usagi might be asking herself is why she didn't ask earlier? Why did she just let it continue on if it is possibly reversible? Scared of the demons? I don't know it's an odd little non-action on her part. Perhaps she was in a little bit of shock and grief I suppose, that would make a lot of sense.

[There was that. And that Usagi didn't really know Ranma until relatively recently.
[The two groups had stayed separate for a while.
[Which a lot of that was Setsuna's doing.

"Too much?" Using her feet, Ranma pushed

Hmm...reading this part again if we're not pushing back the physicality maybe going a little further here...After she says, "Too much?" maybe she says "Too little?" and does something more intimate smelling Usagi to see if she likes it before backing off considering the others in the room and Setsuna's gradually increasing simmering alarm? That'd fit in with the succubus nature and using all her senses too, makes the interaction even less human too no? Really can see your Ranma tweak a nipple or something and smell for Usagi's reaction before smiling and backing off a little. Seems in character. Also would give a little bit of nice insight on to how Usagi really feels right now which I take to be some mild arousal but still, could be a good confirmation.


[[
"Too much?" Using her feet, Ranma pushed herself forward and twisted so that her thighs slid atop Serenity's lap with her legs dangling between Serenity's pressing over the silver-haired woman's dress.
"Too little?" she asked smelling Usagi and gauging her comfort level. The demoness unsummoned her wings and curled her tail around Serenity's waist. Ranma inhaled again and gave a little smile. Keeping pressure on Serenity's hand, Ranma made sure it was against the uppermost part of the inner half of her thigh.
]]

[Went in a slightly different direction.

[Thanks for the comments!
[Really helps solidify the chapter.

[corrected version uploaded.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 6:07 pm

Kiri shifted her stance slightly.

Perhaps not right at this quote but around here...with the physical affectionate changes you've made maybe here Kiri says something rather then just positions herself since Ranma was even more affectionate to which Ranma responds with something like 'She liked it and needs someone to give her that rather then just certain pieces of sapient armor or I might be tempted to go further in the future.' Followed by Setsuna agreeing that she does need some 'stress relief' to Usagi's atomic blush and claims of Japanese good girl propriety, which could lead to later antics and reference with Ranma spoofing this a bit. Or could maybe even spoof it now with Ranma shifting her clothes and age into a normal very proper and conservative non-Senshi high school sunny (by which I mean a healthy, bright innocent skin tone) look, tone, and fuku to which Usagi does the same or mentions she wishes she could? Maybe lighten things up with a bit of humor to end the scene? Seems like something like that would be along the lines of the characters herein.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 16, 2012 6:45 pm

frice2000 wrote:Perhaps not right at this quote but around here...with the physical affectionate changes you've made maybe here Kiri says something rather then just positions herself since Ranma was even more affectionate to which Ranma responds with something like 'She liked it and needs someone to give her that rather then just certain pieces of sapient armor or I might be tempted to go further in the future.' Followed by Setsuna agreeing that she does need some 'stress relief' to Usagi's atomic blush and claims of Japanese good girl propriety, which could lead to later antics and reference with Ranma spoofing this a bit. Or could maybe even spoof it now with Ranma shifting her clothes and age into a normal very proper and conservative non-Senshi high school sunny (by which I mean a healthy, bright innocent skin tone) look, tone, and fuku to which Usagi does the same or mentions she wishes she could? Maybe lighten things up with a bit of humor to end the scene? Seems like something like that would be along the lines of the characters herein.


Hmm, not sure. While I can see Kiri doing something on that line. For the play those two are doing I'm not sure having a non-demonic looking Ranma would be right. I can see later on having a very prim and proper and younger formed Ranma to tease the older looking and more commending Serenity-formed Usagi.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:03 pm

Probably true, but the first bit of wanting to find Usagi a one night stand minus the teasing could really work as a little cute point.

Also again not here but possibly in the future if sexual 'skill' ever comes up Setsuna far outstripping Ranma thanks to her many thousands of years experience could also be a fun point to taunt the Succubus on.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:18 pm

frice2000 wrote:Probably true, but the first bit of wanting to find Usagi a one night stand minus the teasing could really work as a little cute point.

Also again not here but possibly in the future if sexual 'skill' ever comes up Setsuna far outstripping Ranma thanks to her many thousands of years experience could also be a fun point to taunt the Succubus on.


Well they did work to find a one night stand for Ranma.
And yeah, keep in mind Ranma's acutally quite sexually inexperienced. You can count the number of partners she's had on one hand.

As for the makeover play, well more demonic is the direction instead of less.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 9:42 pm

Edit: If you caught this before I've made extensive edits throughout finishing at ~10:13EST.

Well I read through this again so I've got more comments...Sorry :P

"I am Nuit, and I have come so that I may enfold and protect you

Oh...she's going to do some mind control re-birthing stuff isn't she?

I was just helping her, not my fault

On further reflection this is too fast. Rei, Makoto, Usagi, Setsuna...all of them should WANT Minako to be her own person again right? To be able to be the fun loving person she was before she was altered right? Of course she can never be the same but where is that desire? This just seems a little too inhuman for me, a little too unemotional from, except from Setsuna, a bunch of mostly still quite doe-eyed innocent teenage girls who all really quite loved each other almost as a family. We move too quickly from reconciliation to and we're all OK let's move on to flirting with succubi. Needs more weight pretty badly. Like another eight or nine lines at least while they hammer this out. Minako really does need a little counseling/emotional support doesn't she? If her friends and teammates don't see this they are awful friends.

to them Serena,"

Whoops you said Serena :P. No dub for you!

stop using Minako like a fancy coat and new pair of pants.

Probably should change that to something more feminine, sounds a little masculine.

With Chibi-Usa alive, he would never truly be gone.

Re-reading this again and I was just wondering when Usa is ever going to meet Ranma. Their interaction would be quite interesting..and telling. Hell I wonder if Usa is even fully human at this point, but considering how things are going...likely not.

As for the makeover play, well more demonic is the direction instead of less.

Hm...just think you still need to interject some humor into this chapter. We had a nice emotional scene here and we had a couple of those in this chapter. Could really just use some more levity. Perhaps again at, "Kiri shifted her stance slightly." point maybe rather then Kiri treating this seriously she laughs and says that even Usagi is more experienced one amongst the two of them? Probably not completely appropriate but it's kind of funny.

Alternatively how good is Ranma now at the shape-shifting? Could do something with her aping a demonic Usagi/Serenity for laughs? Like have her shape-shift to a succubusish Usagi around " Serenity let her grip loosen. "And you don't? Wouldn't it be easier for you?"" possibly? Could play that both for laughs and seriousness with Ranma commenting that she'd look quite sexy? Much to Usagi's contemplation/mild horror/slight arousal? I mean we haven't teased the whole, "Usagi as succubus" thing in quite awhile. The turning comment yes but that isn't that big should really take it further. Hmm...that's probably not humor really, but still think we need more somewhere and this could be a nice point for some. Loonie comments later are cute but, something further seems called for in the piece really.

"I didn't treat you like a teammate or a friend, let alone someone willing to fight for me, to protect me."

Here maybe Serenity going into the whole liege/soldier thing? Not over the top but saying she loves all her senshi, and they are her will or something along those lines. Really feel likes this should be added to. Usagi has never really called Ranma to heel as it were, and while that's not entirely in Usagi's nature Ranma is technically her subject and technically a Princess under her rule as Queen is she not? A mild reinforcement of that explicitly or subtly does seem called for with growing closeness. Could see Usagi here making the case to the other Senshi that she's one of them and trying to include her more in things...Would really make sense and serve to slightly blur the really sharp divisions that's existed between the two since the start of this story. Seeing the two groups grow closer and working together more, would be something different and a nice development really. Not sure that's at all the direction you want to go, but it's a thought.

Ranma gently chided. "The Russians are a considerable threat

I was thinking regarding the Russians...This is still Usagi, she shouldn't necessarily want them dead especially if she's got an alternative. This growing Usagi would easily see the need to have them eliminated as a threat yes, and then I thought of the mystical wishing rock I mentioned before...Would be interesting to see her use said rock to totally remove in their next engagement all their cybernetics and make them entirely human again. Horrifying for them likely yes, but that would be practical from Usagi's perspective, eliminate a threat, and heal someone she's considering as being suffering.

As a bonus that's a great way for Ranma to see and consider it's possible use on her and her children. Maybe she only considers it a threat? Maybe one of her less happy children see it and consider the ramifications on themselves? Maybe Ranma herself thinks of those among her daughters that were changed unwillingly might want to try and get changed back or at least healing their mental wounds...Imagine the drama we could have if that is a serious conideration? Ranma losing daughters and thus loved ones back to humanity? Quite a few of them probably wouldn't want to be turned back now but their are a couple Nabiki maybe for one? Akane getting her mind cleared and being horrified immensely at everything that's happened screaming to be changed back? What would that do to her mate and brood dynamics? Still isn't that the right thing for Ranma to consider though? She's a mother shouldn't she want her children to be as healthy as they could be so she would actually think about it. Would love to see the drama if one asks to be changed back and Ranma has to deal with that loss, and then seeing but being nowhere near as close to her former child as she used to be. Or at least cropping up a thought for herself too, but with the children in play that's actually less important and has less drama behind it. Lots could be done with the rocks more frequent and apparent use. That's something i hope you consider exploring.

"Not that," Serenity shook her head then eyed the blonde demoness.

Can't help but think seeing the Senshi's reaction to her more overt acceptance of the succubus might be good here, or at a later time. Theirs a considerable amount of growth here and Rei especially might not be happy about this. Also surprised we haven't had Makoto interested in learning a few moves from someone as skilled as Ranma...Having her hanging around the Brood and learning more often could again be a nice place for you to unify your two areas and also to use some sorely underused characters with Rei and Makoto.

Sorry sorry about the more comments, couldn't help it. Wanted to re-read the chapter and well, there were more.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 16, 2012 10:26 pm

frice2000
Well I read through this again so I've got more comments...Sorry :P

[Heh, oh my.

"I am Nuit, and I have come so that I may enfold and protect you

Oh...she's going to do some mind control re-birthing stuff isn't she?

[My my.
[Not.... exactly.

I was just helping her, not my fault

On further reflection this is too fast. Rei, Makoto, Usagi, Setsuna...all of them should WANT Minako to be her own person again right? To be able to be the fun loving person she was before she was altered right? Of course she can never be the same but where is that desire? This just seems a little too inhuman for me, a little too unemotional from, except from Setsuna, a bunch of mostly still quite doe-eyed innocent teenage girls who all really quite loved each other almost as a family. We move too quickly from reconciliation to and we're all OK let's move on to flirting with succubi. Needs more weight pretty badly. Like another eight or nine lines at least while they hammer this out. Minako really does need a little counseling/emotional support doesn't she? If her friends and teammates don't see this they are awful friends.

[Perhaps this helps
[[
"I was just helping her, not my fault she wanted a dream-world where she could hide. Even if it was a lovely place where she could pretend she's going on harmless adventures with her friends," Minako stated.
Jupiter stepped forward and put her hand on the blonde's shoulder "Mina.... that's not... What happened was bad for you two. You both became.... something else."
"No... " Minako swallowed her eyes flashing red. "No, you're right. I'm sorry." She leaned forward so Serenity and Jupiter both caught her.
Jupiter hugged Minako. "Its.... it'll be okay. We were worried."
"With good reason," Mars stated, her expression warmed and she put an arm around Minako. "This is all so strange."
"But we did it out of concern. We... care," Jupiter said.
"I love you guys too," Minako smiled. She then blinked and her gaze became distant. The door clicked as it was unlocked, and the blonde squared her shoulders and stood up straight as it opened.
"You should listen to them Serena," Ranma's voice smoothly chuckled as she entered the room. "There's little more dangerous than ill-placed good intentions."
Serenity raised an eyebrow. Instead of a slight and youthful succubus, the woman that stood before her was a demon queen. All curves and gentle arcs, the demon's purple silk gown hugged her body.
]]

to them Serena,"

Whoops you said Serena :P. No dub for you!

[Awww... but that was Ranma teasing here.

stop using Minako like a fancy coat and new pair of pants.

Probably should change that to something more feminine, sounds a little masculine.

[[
given what it took to get you to stop using Minako like a fancy blouse and new skirt.
]]

With Chibi-Usa alive, he would never truly be gone.

Re-reading this again and I was just wondering when Usa is ever going to meet Ranma. Their interaction would be quite interesting..and telling. Hell I wonder if Usa is even fully human at this point, but considering how things are going...likely not.

[Well there's a big reason why those two have been kept separated.
[If you're a Babylon 5 fan think of why Kosh has to be in his encounter suit.

As for the makeover play, well more demonic is the direction instead of less.

Hm...just think you still need to interject some humor into this chapter. We had a nice emotional scene here and we had a couple of those in this chapter. Could really just use some more levity. Perhaps again at, "Kiri shifted her stance slightly." point maybe rather then Kiri treating this seriously she laughs and says that even Usagi is more experienced one amongst the two of them? Probably not completely appropriate but it's kind of funny. Alternatively how good is Ranma now at the shape-shifting? Could do something with her aping a demonic Usagi/Serenity for laughs? Like have her shape-shift to a succubusish Usagi around " Serenity let her grip loosen. "And you don't? Wouldn't it be easier for you?"" possibly? Could play that both for laughs and seriousness with Ranma commenting that she'd look quite sexy? Much to Usagi's contemplation/mild horror/slight arousal? I mean we haven't teased the whole, "Usagi as succubus" thing in quite awhile. The turning comment yes but that isn't that big should really take it further. Hmm...that's probably not humor really, but still think we need more somewhere and this could be a nice point for some. Loonie comments later are cute but, something further seems called for in the piece really.

[Hmm.
[Ranma forming a succubus-style Usagi/Serenity may not come off as funny.
[As that may be a teasing that strikes a bit too close in.
[Also not sure about injecting in levity.

"I didn't treat you like a teammate or a friend, let alone someone willing to fight for me, to protect me."

Here maybe Serenity going into the whole liege/soldier thing? Not over the top but saying she loves all her senshi, and they are her will or something along those lines. Really feel likes this should be added to. Usagi has never really called Ranma to heel as it were, and while that's not entirely in Usagi's nature Ranma is technically her subject and technically a Princess under her rule as Queen is she not? A mild reinforcement of that explicitly or subtly does seem called for with growing closeness. Could see Usagi here making the case to the other Senshi that she's one of them and trying to include her more in things...Would really make sense and serve to slightly blur the really sharp divisions that's existed between the two since the start of this story. Seeing the two groups grow closer and working together more, would be something different and a nice development really. Not sure that's at all the direction you want to go, but it's a thought.

[Well, again the deft touch would be required.
[As it took Ranma a long time to even accept a subordinate position within the Company, and that's after all the work.
[There's also her ego at work.
[That being said, Ranma is taking time to show that she trusts Usagi.
[As the whole shifting to a more "ornamental" form is a big sign of that.

Ranma gently chided. "The Russians are a considerable threat

I was thinking regarding the Russians...This is still Usagi, she shouldn't necessarily want them dead especially if she's got an alternative. This growing Usagi would easily see the need to have them eliminated as a threat yes, and then I thought of the mystical wishing rock I mentioned before...Would be interesting to see her use said rock to totally remove in their next engagement all their cybernetics and make them entirely human again. Horrifying for them likely yes, but that would be practical from Usagi's perspective, eliminate a threat, and heal someone she's considering as being suffering.

As a bonus that's a great way for Ranma to see and consider it's possible use on her and her children. Maybe she only considers it a threat? Maybe one of her less happy children see it and consider the ramifications on themselves? Maybe Ranma herself thinks of those among her daughters that were changed unwillingly might want to try and get changed back or at least healing their mental wounds...Imagine the drama we could have if that is a serious conideration? Ranma losing daughters and thus loved ones back to humanity? Quite a few of them probably wouldn't want to be turned back now but their are a couple Nabiki maybe for one? Akane getting her mind cleared and being horrified immensely at everything that's happened screaming to be changed back? What would that do to her mate and brood dynamics? Still isn't that the right thing for Ranma to consider though? She's a mother shouldn't she want her children to be as healthy as they could be so she would actually think about it. Would love to see the drama if one asks to be changed back and Ranma has to deal with that loss, and then seeing but being nowhere near as close to her former child as she used to be. Or at least cropping up a thought for herself too, but with the children in play that's actually less important and has less drama behind it. Lots could be done with the rocks more frequent and apparent use. That's something i hope you consider exploring.

[That's the problem, even if they're human they could still be a danger.
[Not as much physically but they do have a lot of connections, skills, and surrogates.

[A big problem with using the rock at its higher powers is that it's very nature breaks the game. There's also that one of the brood being able to turn back would undermine a major theme of the story, and would seem to make much of what Ranma suffered for moot, as Usagi could have just "magic'd" the problem away.

[A major counterpoint of the story is that there are some problems that Usagi can't fix with just her magic. Mercury is actually a major example. Yes, if Usagi could capture Mercury then Usagi could use the rock, but the rock doesn't help Usagi get to that point.


"Not that," Serenity shook her head then eyed the blonde demoness.

Can't help but think seeing the Senshi's reaction to her more overt acceptance of the succubus might be good here, or at a later time. Theirs a considerable amount of growth here and Rei especially might not be happy about this. Also surprised we haven't had Makoto interested in learning a few moves from someone as skilled as Ranma...Having her hanging around the Brood and learning more often could again be a nice place for you to unify your two areas and also to use some sorely underused characters with Rei and Makoto.

[Actually training between the brood, and the Senshi is a major part of the next chapter.
[And a big part of the action sequences.
[And yes, Rei's issues with the closeness does come up as a big part.

Sorry sorry about the more comments, couldn't help it. Wanted to re-read the chapter and well, there were more.

[No problem. It's quite good (and a but surreal) to see the story getting such an interest.

[will post an updated version of the chapter shortly.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 10:59 pm

[Perhaps this helps
[[
"I was just helping her,

Very nice makes them seem quite a bit like themselves again.

If you're a Babylon 5 fan think of why Kosh has to be in his encounter suit.

Sniff....that tells me nothing and Wikipedia doesn't explain it :(.

succubus-style Usagi/Serenity may not come off as funny.

Probably true...Hmm...maybe her transforming back to her normal formal and changing her uniform to Moon's very first uniform? That could work as a innocentish little bit. Also, would love to see Usagi dreaming about this encounter later perhaps in another chapter remembering these scenes in a slight or overt sexual way since they likely would be fuel for that...perhaps teasing the succubus Usagi bit there?

[That's the problem, even if they're human they could still be a danger.

True...but still this is Usagi and all her enemies if 'healed' to date are pretty much no longer a threat. Her doing this and them still arresting them and explaining this to her would still make sense.

There's also that one of the brood being able to turn back would undermine a major theme of the story

Yeah that's true...still if gone about in some ways that's really quite interesting, wish you could find a way to take some aspects of the idea.

[Actually training between the brood, and the Senshi is a major part of the next chapter.

That'll be interesting to see. Hope the Senshi have lots of surprises so they don't come out as that badly outclassed.
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Cheb » Tue Jan 17, 2012 12:13 am

Yay :) One more chapter.
I'm so glad to see Ranma and Serenity making up. :roll:

Galina sighed. "The worst part? We were getting better. Though I suppose after Stalin we only could go up."

A very unlikely line.
Despite what the public opinion thinks of him, Stalin was the most sensible of USSR rulers. The bad things associated with his rule are mostly due to factors he had no control of: the immaturity of the new ruling class and the tremendous strain of preparing for war against Germany (since 1933, I must add, as Hitler voiced his master plan of expanding by eliminating Russia as early as 1920s). There were also a lot of things the Party just couldn't afford a the time.
After his death it more or less went downhill. Bad strategic decisions were made, and as soon as the inertia ran out...
More details later, at lunch break or after I return from work.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
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Re: The Return ch28

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Jan 17, 2012 6:55 am

I'll reply after work today.

Thanks!
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