Terra in Tokyo

This is for posting Fiction and C&C replies ONLY. Note this does not have to be a "fukufic" or evenfanfiction. All longform creative writing allowed. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Apr 17, 2006 9:35 pm

lwf58 wrote:
Cheb wrote:Hmmm... Do you imply that the American and European people tend to walk in their street shoes inside their homes..? My knowledge is limited with the fact that if you change "Japanese" to "Russian" in the aforecited phrase it'll remain correct.

Here in America, we do. If there are any other countries that take off their shoes at the door, I'm unaware of them.

A minor point. That depends on the household, and the region. In some more winerty areas it is expected to take off your shoes when entering.
To keep from tracking in snow and salt. Almost everyone I know here in Bufflao, has a strict no shoes in the house policy.
It does vary heavilly, and is by no means universal or even cultural, but it does happen.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

TinT ch5

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Apr 17, 2006 10:43 pm

Update: Just read ch5
Well... Terra got better. Arby's "training" helped I guess.
The R1/2 cameo was cute.
And kasumi's help was fun too.
That Terra wasn't there for the fight doesn't sit with me well at all. Seems to be -well- cheap. Plays right into her being the "weak taggallong"
As for the ending. Bleah. It's really turned me off.
You bring them in just to brush them off.
And it really is a flass "dark"
Whole mess doesn't sit with me... why hte heck did all the generals come and do that?
Terra herself said it, no fanfare, nothing. Just bamn and Gone.
The pacing in this fic keeps getttign worse.
Maybe it'll look better as a whole peice, but these little chapters...
It feels very disjointed.
EDIT: more thoughts
It's... I'll be honset. It seems poorly done Ben.
There's no timing, no real dramatic buildup, it's like you're racing to meet a deadline. I've got no empathy fo Terra.
And I had NO attachment to the other Inners. Having that happen to them... and like that.
Sure it happens all the time in cannon, but at least then it was given it's due.
I do honestly have no idea where you'll go from here, and so far will only keep reading out of morbid interest.
Meh. Sorry, wish I could be less dreary.
Edit2:
Mabye posting two chapters at a time would help move the plot along.
At least from a reader's perspective. It's not like they're terribly long.
And you have plenty.
Though that could just be my own aprehension to having this drawn out for a couple more months.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 18, 2006 1:58 am

Note: I didn't read the Ch.5 yet. All I say below is based on the first four.
There's nothing wrong with the writing, any given tree in your forest, figuratively speaking, any scene is good and well written.
The forest as a whole, on the other hand, is lop-sided and weird-shaped. Your story. has plot problems. And the plot problems (I was careless enough to feel it on my own hide) are the nasty ones. You need to rewrite a hell of a lot to correct them, you need to throw out many of the good, complete scenes (because the story is an integral composition of its parts that should fit harmonically).
In short, (lo and behold) the 80% of my chapter (a big-ass chapter, I must add) went straight to trashcan. Including all the work on translating it and polishing it *in two languages*. Yes, this pain is very familliar to me.
And I'm afraid your story has the same plot problem that my one once had. Maybe I'm wrong. But, unlike Sunshine, I think it's too *slow*. If you plan to change the tonality, you should *show* it to the reader. Preferably, from the start.
My suggestions:
1. Add a side scene(s) with some innocents getting brutally killed, right at the start. I saw such inclusions in the Sailormoon manga and I think they work well (ex.: Rei walks the street and finds a charred corpse of some pedestrian burned alive). You talked about the contrast. Do not stretch it too far apart. Let the the bright and the dark lines run parallelly right from the start. If done properly, adds a nice touch of thriller too.
2. Try merging the chapters - here I agree with Sunshine. I feel this strategy did help my own story.
3. Squeeze the «water» out of the first 4 chapters. I know, it hurts like you are drowning kittens or something like this, but it is often a necessary evil.
Basket-case means: 1 : a [...]

Thanks :)
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 18, 2006 2:02 am

P.S. *Where* is the Ch.5 ?
Link please!
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Postby Atlan » Tue Apr 18, 2006 2:11 am

cant speak for the rest of the world, but in my country New Zealand, we always take off our shoes before comming inside. Commen sense realy- dont track dirt everywhere.
In public buildings-shops, librarys, anything like that- you leave your shoes on. At your home, or someone else's, you take them off.
Intresting cultural side note: Aside from the english colinists that moved here 300 years ago, we also have an andiginous population- the Maori. They all speak english as a first language, and live normally, so basically fit in like asians or black people do here- we treat them exactly like anyone else (we got virtually no racisim in our country). Their shoe custome make them take off their shoes at home, and also at their Pa (a meeting house, like a combination town hall and church.
Atlan
User avatar
Asteroid Senshi
Posts: 924
 

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:14 am

Oh, so it depends more on the climate then...
They probably had laws against indecent exposure, though.

[off-topic]I remember, one-two years ago the fact popped out that we *don't* have such laws. Some woman went swimming naked in the river, not too far from Kremlin. Caused a huge traffic jam, too (and get to the major newspapers, photo included). After a hour of this swimming the cops fished her out and detained her for a couple of hours for identification (the naked females aren't known for having an inventory slot for their passports). But there was nothing they could really incriminate her... You see, the morale was the Communist party domain, and when it crumbled, nobody bothered to plug this hole with a law...[/off-topic]
In front of Sailor Moon, Zoicite cackled madly and threw her attack at the defenseless girl

Wasn't Zoicite a man..?
This chapter was nice and funny, but the killing them all doesn't make sense.
P.S. And I dislike cliffhangers. We're not in the commercial art, for crying out loud! We are fanfic writers, and so should be free of its requirements and limitations!
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Postby lwf58 » Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:18 am

Cheb wrote:P.S. *Where* is the Ch.5 ?
Link please!

It went up in the FFML late last night, and I was too exhausted to post it in the Library until this morning. It's there now.
http://florestica.com/boliver/tint/index.htm
As a side note, Josh has read at least up to chapter 8 of the raw text, before we polish them up. He feels that the writing begins to improve in that chapter. Admittedly, if it takes that long for him to say it's looking good, then the early chapters really do need a serious rewrite.
Thanks for the comments, Cheb. I'll pass them on... or better yet, I'll get Ben to sign up for this forum, since now we're seeing some constructive criticism.
lwf58
User avatar
Site Master
Posts: 2201
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:56 am

lwf58 wrote:As a side note, Josh has read at least up to chapter 8 of the raw text, before we polish them up. He feels that the writing begins to improve in that chapter. Admittedly, if it takes that long for him to say it's looking good, then the early chapters really do need a serious rewrite.

I wouldn't say "looking good" But much better than before. Yes.
Ben himself admits he was rushing on the first couple and didn't spend as much time on them
Thanks for the comments, Cheb. I'll pass them on... or better yet, I'll get Ben to sign up for this forum, since now we're seeing some constructive criticism.

Indeed. get Ben to sign up.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:15 pm

I'll get Ben to sign up for this forum, since now we're seeing some constructive criticism.

This forum is a good one. There are always people around who is ready to comment on the stories.
[heavy sigh] Except mine :(
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Badgers!

Postby Benjamin A. Oliver » Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:45 pm

I am here. ^^
"It's a lot easier if you remember that there is no mallet."
Benjamin A. Oliver
User avatar
Senshi Candidate
Posts: 10
 

Re: Badgers!

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:52 pm

Benjamin A. Oliver wrote:I am here. ^^

Right, well you've been added to the indexed author's list (despite the index itself being offline....)
welcome aboard.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Benjamin A. Oliver » Tue Apr 18, 2006 1:01 pm

Thanks.
And I'm glad to have the comments, both positive and corrective. They will be applied as we go along...
[heavy sigh] Except mine Sad

Someday, someday they shall be reviewed. ^^
"It's a lot easier if you remember that there is no mallet."
Benjamin A. Oliver
User avatar
Senshi Candidate
Posts: 10
 

Postby lwf58 » Tue Apr 18, 2006 7:15 pm

Cheb wrote:[heavy sigh] Except mine :(

Might be willing to do it -- good C&C is an affair where mutual backscratching is S.O.P. -- but I have absolutely no idea where the first chapter is, and there's no way I'd be able to give a decent critique without knowing how it starts out. Got a link?
lwf58
User avatar
Site Master
Posts: 2201
 

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 18, 2006 7:48 pm

but I have absolutely no idea where the first chapter is,

Hmm... And here I thought that the topic about the Ch.2 contains both the link to ff.net and to my website, where the Prologue and the Ch.1 are. Right at the top. :wink:
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Postby lwf58 » Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:38 pm

Ah. My bad. I was looking for the first chapter in the forum, so I didn't open the topics.
lwf58
User avatar
Site Master
Posts: 2201
 

PreviousNext

Return to Stories and C&C

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users