Veela One Half Chapter 3

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Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Dec 11, 2011 9:29 am

Here is the first very rough draft of the fic. Still some work to do before it's completely finished. One thing I wonder about is if this is a good place to stop or if I should continue for a bit.

Previous chapters can be found here

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4811634/1/Veela_One_Half

CHAPTER 2


What has gone before:


Genma and Ranma have arrived at Jusenkyo, a supposedly legendary training ground. Not heeding the guide’s warnings they spar on top of the bamboo poles sticking out of hundreds of pools. Of course they fall into the springs and end up cursed. Ranma turns into a Veela and Genma into a furry (an anthropomorphic panda girl). We learn about Ranma’s past and how Nodoka, a pureblooded witch from a very prominent clan got pregnant with him. Behold the tragic conclusion of the story of Genma’s past and the reasons that pushed him to take Ranma on such a long and arduous training journey.


Soun Tendo was browsing through his mail when he noticed a postcard buried among the letters. When he saw who it was from his eyes widened and a smile blossomed on his face. He hadn’t seen his old training partner in years and couldn’t wait to hear about Genma’s and Ranma’s adventures. He had met the boy a few times when he was still an infant and was eager to find out how far he had come in the art.


Eager to share his joy with his daughters he called for the eldest who was usually in the kitchen at this time.


“Kasumi?” He called but didn’t get an answer.


“KASUMI?” He tried again, louder, with exactly the same the result.


“Where is that girl?” He muttered on his way to the kitchen. When he poked his head through the doorway he saw her sitting at a table reading a book while all around her the different cleaning materials were working in a frenzy to clean the kitchen on their own.


A solitary tear was leaving his eye as he thought back to his wife who was just as talented with household charms as his daughter is.


“Kasumi!” He tried once more, this time getting a reaction from the teenager.


“Yes, father?” She lifted her eyes and gave her father a questioning look.


“I have some good news. Could you fetch your sisters, please? I have an announcement to make.”


“Yes, father. Right away.”


She took her wand and with a few swishes banished the cleaning equipment back into the broom closet. She went to the first floor and knocked on her youngest sister’s door first.


“Akane?” She called. “I’m coming in, alright?”


She opened the door but the room was empty. “She’s probably in the dojo.”


She shrugged and turned towards her other sister’s bedroom door. She could always tell Akane afterwards.


Kasumi knocked and waited for an answer.


“Who is it?”


“It’s me. Can I come in?


“Two minutes. I have to finish something first.”


“Okay.”


A short time later she could hear her sister say, “You can come in now.”


When Kasumi entered into the room she saw her sister fill several flacons with a murky, smoking liquid from a small cauldron.


“Sorry for making you wait but interrupting the process could have been dangerous.”


Kasumi frowned deeply at her sister. “You know we’re not supposed to brew potions without supervision from an adult.”


Nabiki just chuckled. “Heh. I’m not Akane, sis; I know what I’m doing.”


“That’s not a very nice thing to say.”


“But it’s true; and you know it. Isn’t Akane the first student to have ever been banned from the potions lab at school? The potion teacher has yet to discover how she made a simple cough potion explode. Thank God no one was killed. Face it, she sucks at brewing.”


Kasumi just sighed. Nabiki was right of course. Their sister was a natural disaster when it came to brewing, household charms, and cooking. “You’re not helping, you know. How do you expect her to improve if you make fun of her all the time?”


“Meh! It’s just some harmless fun. She can take it.”


“I hope you’re right.”


“Yeah. Don’t worry. So, what do you want?”


“Oh yes, I almost forgot. Father has some important news for us. Can you come down?”


“Eh? What does he want know?”


“I don’t know, but I haven’t seen him in such a good mood since mother’s death.”


“Really?” Nabiki couldn’t hide her surprise. “Then it must be really important. Okay, I’ll finish up here and I’ll be down in a few minutes.”


“I’ll tell him. I just need to find Akane now. She’s not in her room.”


“Oh, she’s out on a jog. I saw her leave the yard 15 minutes ago. She should be back very soon.”


“Thanks. I’ll tell father.”


As Kasumi was about to leave the room she heard a female voice calling from the ground floor: “I’m home.”


“Ah, never mind then.”


After Kasumi had left the room Nabiki turned back to her flacons, took one in her hands and examined the liquid it contained. “Hmm, looks good. Just the right color and consistency. Hehe! Those will fetch a pretty penny at school tomorrow.”


She carefully placed the potions in a bag and joined her sisters downstairs.


“Ah, good. You’re all here,” the mustachioed man smiled at his daughters. “I have good news.”


“Oh? You’ve won the lottery?” Nabiki asked.


“Much better,” he grinned happily not recognizing the sarcasm in his daughter’s statement. “My old training partner, Genma, is coming over for a visit with his son. They’ve been on a martial arts training journey for over ten years and are now back in Japan after a long stay in China. Apparently they have had some kind of accident there and have come back sooner than expected. Now, while they are here I expect you to treat them with respect and kindness as Ranma hasn’t had an easy life.”


“How so?” Akane wondered.


“Well, since you’re going to learn it anyway once they are here I’ll tell you right now to avoid any later awkwardness: Ranma is a squib. His father is a muggle just like me and the reason he has taken his son on the long journey is because the boy has been pretty much rejected by his magical family.”


“Oh my!” Kasumi put her hands in front of her mouth in shock.


Nabiki shook her head. She never understood the mentality of all those blood purists. Money was money after all; whatever the source. “That’s something I’d expect from people lime the Kunos. What century are they living in?”


“Unfortunately, there still are many families that think alike, but I know that you’re not like that and will accept him for what he is and not hold it against him.”


He smiled when he saw his daughters nod and knew that they would treat the boy right. They were good girls and just as accepting and tolerant as his late wife had been. “Alright then. They should be here very soon. Please, make him feel welcome.”


The three girls nodded once again and left the living room. Kasumi went back into the kitchen, followed by a hungry Nabiki who grabbed a light snack out of the fridge while Akane went to the dojo for some cool down stretches.


01234543210


Meanwhile, not far away, Ranma and his father were walking through the streets of Nerima, the former looking right and left, taking in the sights as this was his first time in this part of Tokyo, while the latter continued straightforward towards the goal of their trip than his surroundings, still knowing the way by heart even after all these years. Nerima had weathered the modernization of Tokyo really well and was one of the few areas of the metropolis still anchored in tradition, although for how long, no one could say.


“Are we there yet?” The impatient young martial artist asked his father.


“No, but it isn’t far now.”


“Are you sure your friend can help us?”


“No, I’m not; but he’s the best lead we have outside of your family, and you know what I think of that idea.”


Ranma nodded and didn’t ask again. He really hoped that Mr. Tendo patriarch could help. The journey from China to Nerima had been a nightmare and he was sick of all the lustful stares his Veela form was getting from the guys. More than once he had had to deal with grabby hands and had to resort to violence to make the perverts stop.


The problem was not that he turned into a girl; the time with the Amazons had really opened his eyes and cured him of all and any prejudices he might have had concerning girls, and especially alleviating his fear that he might turn into a girl mentally too, but then, how should he have known, having no experience with magic and curses. In fact, his Jusenkyo curse wasn’t that bad compared to some of the others springs he could have fallen in, not to mention other, nastier curses that existed in the world.


No, the biggest problem wasn’t that he turned into a girl, but rather that he turned into every man’s wet dream. His life would be much easier if he had fallen into the spring of drowned girl instead. At least he wouldn’t have had to deal with all the perverts trying to get into his pants on a regular basis and not taking no for an answer.


Well, it wasn’t all that bad he had to admit. At least one good thing came from the curse: he could now use magic. While travelling through the Chinese wilderness he had spent most of the time training his sorcery and wizarding skills and he could now cast some simple spells. Unfortunately he had made no headway learning how to control his Veela aura. Try as he might, he just couldn’t get the hang of it. Dongmei had been right after all; he really had to find a Veela to help him with that problem.


“We’re here.” Genma pulled Ranma out of his thoughts and pointed at a large compound.


The pigtailed boy looked at the estate and whistled in awe. “They must be loaded.”


“Not really,” the bespectacled man answered. “The estate has been in the Tendo family for generations, and even if Soun’s well off he isn’t rich.”


Genma approached the large door set into the impressive perimeter wall and rang the bell. The two travelers waited patiently for a few moments until the door was opened by a middle-aged man.


“Saotome!” The mustachioed man’s eyes lit up and he opened his arms and took his old friend into a manly embrace.


“Tendo!” Was the other arms answer as he accepted the embrace.


Soun let go and looked intensely at the teen accompanying his old training partner. “And that must be Ranma. He’s quite the strapping lad I see. You must be very proud of him.”


“That I am. He’s my pride and joy and probably one of the best martial artists of his generation. No thanks to his family of course,” Genma added crossly.


“I see,” the Tendo patriarch said in a serious tone. “You still haven’t forgiven your in-laws, have you?”


“Certainly not; and I never will after what they’ve done.”


“Oh? That I have to hear. Let’s go inside. I got this excellent bottle of sake some time ago that I’ve been keeping for a special occasion, and I think today is could count as one. I can’t wait to hear about your travels.”


Hearing the doorbell the three daughters gathered at the entrance to the house, curious to find out who was at the door, Akane still wearing her sweaty workout clothes, causing Nabiki to wrinkle her nose at the smell. They peeked though the doorway and saw their father enthusiastically greet a bespectacled man before hugging him. That caused the three to raise their eyebrows as they hadn’t seen their father in such a good mood in years. Then their eyes fell on the teenager standing next to the unknown man.


“Ooooh! Major hunk alert!” Nabiki remarked before her enthusiasm took a nosedive as she took in the appearance of the two strangers. “Damn! Doesn’t look like they have much money.”


“Is that really all you think about? The world doesn’t revolve around money and boys, you know,” Akane reprimanded her sister.


“Oh really?” The brunette mocked her sister. “My poor, poor, deluded sister. You have no idea.


She tsked and shook her head as she gave her sister a pitying look. “You have much to learn. Power and money is everything and I am determined to have both.”


“Sisters, stop it!” Kasumi chided her younger siblings. “Nabiki, you know that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Father seems to like them so they are probably fine people.”


“Oh, come off your high horse, big sis! Don’t tell me what to do! You’re not my mother.”


Before the squabble could go Akane noticed that their father was coming back with the two strangers in tow. “Quiet! They are coming.”


This shut Nabiki up and the three girls aligned and calmly waited for the group.


“These are my girls,” Soun beamed with pride as he presented them to Ranma starting with Kasumi. “This is Kasumi. She’s the oldest at 17.”


Kasumi bowed politely. “Nice to meet you.”


“Heya! Nice to meet you too,” Ranma greeted back.


“Next we have Nabiki. She’s 15.


She gave a quick bow and took a quick glance at Ranma’s backside. “Nice butt”, she commented causing the pigtailed boy to blush.


“Ahem!” Soun cleared his throat. “Sorry about that,” he apologized to Ranma, “she can be a handful sometimes.”


Nabiki smirked and winked at their young guest before whispering to him.”Just stating the truth.”


“Nabiki!” Akane interrupted the scene and shook her head.


“Don’t mind her. She’s not all there.”


Dismissing her sister’s outraged denial she presented herself. “Hi, I’m Akane,” she politely bowed.


“Nice to meet you,” Ranma replied.


“She’s the same age as you are,” Soun said.


He then turned back to his old training partner. “And this is my old friend, Genma Saotome. We used to train together for many years and he’s like a brother to me. You probably don’t remmember him as you were too young, but I’m sure he remembers you.”


“Of course I do,” the portly man agreed. “I can still remember your wife having her hands full with them. You really didn’t make your mother’s life easy you know.”


“Yes, those were good times,” Soun reminisced. “If only they had lasted longer.”


“Oh, I’m sorry. I really didn’t want to bring back some bad memories.”


“Don’t worry about it. It’s something I have to deal with all by myself.”


“Alright, enough of that,” he closed the subject. “Girls! Why don’t you show Ranma around and get to know him? There’s a lot Genma and I have to talk about and it might take a while.”


“So, what are your hobbies?” Nabiki eagerly asked, fishing for exploitable information.


“Martial arts, of course,” was the immediate answer, causing Akane to perk up.


“Are you any good?” the youngest daughter asked.


“I’m very good,” he answered honestly and without boasting, something that would have come to a shock to anyone who had known the martial artist before the accident at Jusenkyo, but then living with a tribe of warrior women for almost two weeks, many of whom were better than himself, was a humbling experience.


“Want to prove it?” She challenged him.


He shrugged his shoulders in indifference. “Sure, why not?”


“Is everything about fighting with you?” Nabiki asked, slightly exasperated. I’m sure there are a lot of things that Ranma would rather do than fighting right away after just arriving in a new place.”


“I don’t really mind,” the pigtailed boy answered.


“Great. Follow me to the dojo!”


“I’ll leave you alone then; I still have a lot of work to finish,” Kasumi excused herself and left for the kitchen. She had no interest in martial arts at all and had never really understood the appeal of beating people up, especially as she was usually the one having to patch Akane up if Dr Tofu was unavailable.


Akane led the way and Nabiki followed behind. She was really curious to find out how Ranma would fare against her sister.


“Here we are,” Akane announced proudly after opening the dojo door.


Ranma whistled, impressed by the size of the building and the large number of weapons hanging on the wall. “Very nice.”


“Thanks. There’s a changing room behind the small door on the other side if you want to put on a gi.”


“No, I’m fine. Thank you.”


“Well, if you’re sure.”


Akane took a stance and looked over to her sister who was leaning against a wall, following the movements of both fighters with interest, before turning her attention back to Ranma who was simply standing there in a relaxed posture, causing the young girl to slightly frown.


“Are you ready?” She asked and seeing the pigtailed boy now she attacked with a straight punch. Ranma sidestepped, grabbed her arm, and used her momentum to throw her to the ground, much to the young girl’s surprise who hadn’t expected it. She got up once again and carefully approached her opponent slowly, not underestimating him any longer. She started her attack with a sudden side punch, which was promptly blocked, and continued with a kick to the knee, which her foe evaded before he hooked her leg and pushed her down, locking her leg in a submission hold.


“You lose,” he announced before letting go.


Akane got up and jumped away from the boy, glaring at the boy. She reached into her left sleeve and drew out a stick. Ranma immediately recognized the object and so did Nabiki.


“How about a magical duel?” Akane challenged the pigtailed boy. “Let’s see how well you do.”


“Akane! No!” Nabiki shouted. “Have you forgotten what daddy told us? He’s a squib. He can’t use magic.”


Akane let her arm fall in shame, having completely forgotten about it and was embarrassed for getting angry. “You’re right. I completely forgot. I’m sorry.”


“Actually, you’re wrong,” he corrected the girls.


“What do you mean? Are you not a squib,” the middle daughter enquired.


“Nope, not any longer. I’ve been able to use magic for a few weeks now, but I’m still a beginner.”


He took out his practice wand and showed it to the girls. “Lumos!” He shouted and a barely visible, sickly looking beam of light came out of the tip of the wand. “Heh! I’m not very good yet.”


“Oh!” Akane explained, a bit disappointed that she couldn’t show off her dueling skills.”


Ranma noticed this and tried to cheer the girl up. “You can use your wand if you want to. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t need one.”


Akane frowned disapprovingly at this obvious barb at her skills. ‘Is he taking me lightly? Who does he think he is? I’ll show him’.


She pointed her wand at the pigtailed boy. “Are you sure?” She asked in an annoyed tone. “You can still back down.”


“Try you worst,” he joked and simply stood there without a care in the world.


His nonchalance angered the witch and she decided to teach him a lesson by using a rather annoying spell, the vomiting charm. Without giving a warning to the arrogant prick she attacked. “VOMITO!”


Ranma simply sidestepped the spell and before Akane had the time to react he grabbed her wand arm and hung on to it, not giving her the chance to attack again. When she tried to punch him with her other arm he grabbed that one too. She struggled to break free but Ranma was too strong and didn’t give her an inch.


“See?” He good-naturedly grinned at the girl.


Akane’s reaction, however, came as a surprise. He clearly felt the intense fear radiating from her and let go immediately. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” She pushed him violently away before fleeing, leaving a stunned Ranma behind.


“What just happened?”


“Don’t blame her,” Nabiki explained. “She… has some issues with boys. Let’s leave it at that, okay. She’ll calm down; she always does.”


“Oh, okay.”


“Let’s get out of here. I’ll show you the rest of the house.”


Ranma followed Nabiki into the house, feeling bad about what had happened with Akane and thinking about a way to cheer her up.


“Oh, you’re back already?” Kasumi asked them when she saw them arrive. “How did it go?”


“Well, I won… I guess.”


“That’s nice. Do you want to take a bath? I filled the furo a short while ago and there’s no better way to relax after a match than a bath.


“That’s alright. I didn’t sweat that much. I don’t want to be a burden.”


“Nonsense. I prepared it especially for your father and you. I’m sure he’d like to take a bath too after such a long voyage. Why don’t you go ahead and he can join you later.”


“Well, okay. I suppose a quick bath can’t hurt.”


Kasumi told him where the bathroom was and the heavily blushing boy left in a hurry after rejecting Nabiki’s offer to scrub his back. The slightly perverted thoughts Nabiki’s words had triggered in his mind distracted him enough that he forgot to check the door for the occupied sign and or notice the discarded clothes on the chair. He stripped and when he entered the bath proper his eyes widened at the sight offered to his eyes.


Akane was sitting on a small chair, cleaning herself before climbing into the furo. When she noticed the boy staring at her she was shocked.


“AH! PERVERT!” She shrieked before running out of the bathroom at full speed after kicking the peeping tom into the family jewels.


Her shouts had been loud enough to alert everyone in the house, and the whole family, including Genma, was running into the direction where the shouts had originated from just to meet a still naked and panicking Akane halfway.


The two men quickly turned away and Kasumi and Nabiki tried to calm their sister down.


“What happened?” Nabiki asked with concern.


“It’s Ranma,” she said venomously. “I was taking a bath when the pervert snuck up on me and tried to molest me.”


“Oh my!” Kasumi interjected. “I told Ranma to take a bath. This is probably just a misunderstnding.”


“I doubt it,” Akane countered. “The sign was out and he must have seen my clothes.”


Nabiki doubted that Ranma was a pervert. Akane had an unfortunate tendency to overreact and it might have been a simple misunderstanding. “Where is he now? We’ll just ask him and get to the bottom of it.”


“He’s probably still lying on the bathroom floor.”


“What did you do?” Kasumi asked with worry as she knew that her sister had a lot of strength and might have really hurt the unfortunate boy..


“I knocked him out, of course. What did you expect me to do. Let the pervert rape me without defending myself?”


Kasumi entered the bathroom and saw the martial artist lie on the floor, in terrible pain and protecting his sensible parts. She winced in sympathy when she understood what must have happened. She couldn’t hide the blush that was forming on her face after seeing the nude boy and mentally compared him to Dr. Tofu who she had yet to see in the buff, although she hoped that that would happen soon.


Nabiki appeared behind her sister and whistled when she saw the nude teenager in front of her. “WOW! Nice view.”


“Nabiki!” Kasumi admonished the her sister who had a lecherous look on her face. We have to help him; he’s hurt.


Kasumi put Ranma into a bathrobe and covered him with a blanket before the two girls transported the quivering boy into the guest room where two futons had already been laid out.


When most of the pain had subsided the martial artist got up and saw Kasumi sitting there and giving him a sad look. “I’m sorry. This is my fault. I should have checked if the bath was free before sending you there. I hope you won’t hold it against Akane. She’s a nice girl most of the time, just a bit high-spirited.”


“I wouldn’t say high-spirited,” Nabiki who had come to check on the beefcake and maybe get another chance to admire the view, “but rather a violent maniac. I can’t believe that girl. One day she’s going to kill someone.”


“Don’t worry,” Ranma reassured them. “The girl has a lot of strength but not enough to really hurt me. She just caught me flatfooted, that’s all. It won’t happen again.”


“You don’t know my sister, but who knows; wonders happen sometimes.”


“Don’t be mean, Nabiki! Let’s hear Ranma out first before deciding how to deal with the situation.”


Ranma’s version was quite different from Akane’s and convinced the two girls that it had just been an innocent mistake, and that the blame fell entirely on them, although Nabiki only admitted to her own mistake reluctantly.


“Honestly, it was just some harmless fun,” she defended herself.”


“Well, not everyone appreciates your kind of humour, Nabiki. You should know that by now.”


The girl in question smirked at her sister. “At least I know now that Ranma thinks I’m sexy, or else my little teasing wouldn’t have rattled him so much.”


The martial artist blushed heavily but didn’t agree nor disagree.”


“Anyway,” Kasumi switched topics to put an end to Nabiki’s little mind games, “our fathers are expecting us in the living room. Let’s not make them wait too long.”


They left together and when they entered the living room the fathers and Akane, who was fully clothed now, were already waiting. Ranma joined Genma on his side of the table while Kasumi and Nabiki and Kasumi took place next to Akane on the opposite side. Soun was of course sitting at the head of the table.


Noticing the fathers’ solemn and pained expressions the three sisters immediately realized that things had to be worse than what their father had told them.


“Now that everyone has gotten acquainted,” Soun initiated the conversation, “I’d like to explain the reason for Genma’s and Ranma’s presence here. I mentioned an accident related to magic earlier. Well, things are much worse than I expected. While the two of them were travelling through China they had a run in with powerful, ancient magic and got cursed. The curses are so strong that there is no spell that can remove them.”


The moustachioed man looked at his speechless daughters and waited for a moment to let the information sink in and let them recover their wits.


When the girls came out of their stupor he immediately continued the story as he wanted to forestall any questions they might have until he had finished.


“It’s a transformation curse which makes them switch forms once the required conditions are met. Genma already demonstrated his curse to me and I must say it was quite a shock. I don’t know what Ranma changes into, but apparently it’s worse than Genma’s own curse.”


“I’ll take it from here,” Genma interrupted his friend. “They’ll have to see to believe.”


“This is cold water,” Genma explained as he lifted a glass of water and poured the transparent liquid on his head triggering the curse and transforming him immediately into an anthropomorphic panda.


The three girls had followed this with great interest and even if they had an idea as to what would happen seeing the strange and unknown magic at work still managed to rattle them and they stared at the furry with great interest, although all three of them had different thoughts on the matter: Kasumi had stars in her eyes and hoped that creature would let her pet it; Nabiki’s eyeballs had changed into yen signs as she was calculating how much a picture of the Pandagirl was worth to a furry fan; Akane could barely keep in place as she was tempted to jump up and hug the cute creature.


“As you can see the transformation is very spectacular, but it doesn’t hurt,” the cursed man continued, and if the furry breasts hadn’t been proof enough that the creature was female, the cute, feminine voice would have convinced anyone.


He did the same with a glass of warm water and transformed back into his human form. “As you can see, hot water reverses the curse.”


“So, what about Ranma?” Nabiki asked, really curious now. “What does he change into?”


Genma sighed heavily and really looked miserable now. “Something far worse which makes it impossible for him to lead a normal life if he doesn’t learn to control his powers. I think it’s best to just show you. Are you ready boy?”


“Not really. I don’t think I’ll ever be, but I guess I don’t have a choice if I want them to help me.”


“Indeed.”


The bespectacled martial artist took another glass of water and splashed it into his son’s face.


“Hey!” Ranma spluttered in annoyance, his voice definitely sounding very feminine, water dripping off her beautiful face. “What have you done that for?”


Ranma was surprised to see the lack of reaction from Soun. The man was crying at the young martial artist’s misfortune, but otherwise didn’t show the typical male reaction to the curse. Then she remembered what her father had told her. The man had lost his wife many years ago but had never been able to overcome his loss and had clung to her memory like a drowning man to a life buoy; to such an extent that he had never fallen in love again.


The girls’ reactions were mostly what she’d expected them to be. All three of them glared at the blonde and Akane had got into a fighting stance, ready to attack. Before anything could happen Genma transformed his son back and the sisters blinked a few times, unsure as to what just happened.


“What happened?” Soun wondered, curious as to why his daughters had reacted like that.


“A tragedy,” Genma answered, raising his arms in the air and looking at the ceiling to increase the dramatic effect of his explanation. “Ranma got a particular nasty curse.”


“Being changed into a girl? Surely there are worser fates than that,” the Tendo patriarch mused.


“I could live with changing into a girl... well, probably,” he added meekly while looking at his feet, hoping that the Tendos wouldn’t misinterpret her words.


“What my son means to say,” Ranma came to his rescue, “is that he would prefer to change into a girl rather than a Veela.”


Kasumi put a hand in front of her mouth in shock, quite aware of what that meant while a predatory, shark-like grin developed on Nabiki’s face as she was already coming up with money making schemes: nude photos, dating services, pleasure slave, potion ingredients... the possibilities were endless.


Akane and Soun just looked at the boy in confusion, having never heard of Veelas.


“What is a Veela?” the Tendo patriarch asked and Akane nodded, just as curious as her father.


The two Saotomes told the Tendos what they learnt from the Amazons about the benefits and drawbacks of Ranma’s new form.


Kasumi gasped at the information. She knew about the Veela and their abilities, but she’d never thought they had to learn how to control their abilities. And here was a poor boy with no teacher and no idea how to deal with it all.


Akane’s reaction was much more vocal than her sister’s. “That’s horrible!” She shouted as she felt bad for the way she treated the poor guy earlier that day. He already had enough problems and, after all, he wasn’t responsible for the issues she had with boys.


“I’m sorry,” she apologized to Ranma. “I shouldn’t have overreacted like that.”


“Nah, it’s okay. I’m partially at fault too. It must have come as a shock to see someone walk in on you.”


Akane felt relieved that there were no hard feelings from the martial artist’s side. She was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment. She’d still have an eye on him in case he should try anything.


“At least one good thing came from this,” Soun tried to cheer the Saotomes up, although he didn’t do a very good job of it.


“Oh yeah? How do you figure?” Ranma’s sarcastic answer.


“Well, at least you won’t have to uphold the pact”


“What pact?” Genma butted in. “What are you talking about?”


Soun was perplexed at his friend’s reaction. “You don’t know?”


“Know what? This is the first time I hear of this.”


“So you don’t know about the pact our wives made. I thought that at least Nodoka would have told you. Well, it happened before your first meeting. Nodoka and Kimiko came back from one of their wild parties, completely hammered and I have no idea who came up with the idea, but they decided that should they ever have kids they’d marry to unite and strengthen both families. I wasn’t even asked and the girls had completely forgotten about it until Kimiko found the signed agreement on the kitchen table the following day.”


“What?” Both Saotomes shouted at the same time.


“She never told me,” Genma felt even more betrayed, and his hate for the whole clan increased even further.


“Well, you won’t have to bother with it. After all, Ranma’s a squib, so the intention of the pact can’t be fulfilled. That’s probably the reason why you were never told.”


“But I’m not a squib,” Ranma objected, “at least not any longer.” He had no reason keeping that a secret since the sisters already knew; he felt really miserable. As if his life hadn’t been complicated enough already.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby borgrabbit » Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:06 pm

“Eh? What does he want know?”
now

After Kasumi had left the room Nabiki turned back to her flacons,
flagons (like mugs),
but flasks might be more appropriate. Chem labs use various volumetric and erlenmyer flasks as well as beakers, fleakers, graduated cylinders, pipettors and repipettors among other tools of the trade.

“Unfortunately, there still are many families that think alike,
“Unfortunately, there still are many families that think like that,

He really hoped that Mr. Tendo patriarch could help.
He really hoped that the Tendo patriarch could help.

She asked and seeing the pigtailed boy now she attacked
She asked and seeing the pigtailed boy nod she attacked

Surely there are worser fates than that,
Surely there are worse fates than that,

Great chapter!
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:09 am

Glad you like it. As I said that's just a first draft (that I haven't reread yet) and there are probably still a lot of spelling mistakes.

I'm usually getting accused of Akane bashing in my fics. (although I have no idea why). Does anyone else think so too? I think that this is proably like she would act in canon if things had happened this way.

'worser' is correct. It's an old form but can still be used today. I think it sounds better here, more solemn.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby borgrabbit » Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:40 am

'worser' is correct. It's an old form but can still be used today. I think it sounds better here, more solemn.

Oh yeah? Well, my life is much worserer than yours!
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:54 am

borgrabbit wrote:'worser' is correct. It's an old form but can still be used today. I think it sounds better here, more solemn.

Oh yeah? Well, my life is much worserer than yours!


You sure? My life's pretty crappy sometimes.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:18 pm

After Kasumi had left the room Nabiki turned back to her flacons,
flagons (like mugs),
but flasks might be more appropriate. Chem labs use various volumetric and erlenmyer flasks as well as beakers, fleakers, graduated cylinders, pipettors and repipettors among other tools of the trade.

A flacon is a small flask with a stopper, like a perfume bottle. Just the thing for holding (small amounts of) potions.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby frice2000 » Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:37 pm

She opened the door but the room was empty. “She’s probably in the dojo.”


She shrugged and turned towards her other sister’s bedroom door.

Mix things up a little. Too many sentences starting with 'She' followed by an action.

“Who is it?”


“It’s me. Can I come in?


“Two minutes. I have to finish something first.”


“Okay.”

Descriptions of tone, blocking or something else, this is too vanilla and reads a little boringly and this is true of most of the dialogue bits in the piece. The words themselves are OK but they need anchors that they just don't have.

“Heh. I’m not Akane, sis; I know what I’m doing.”


“That’s not a very nice thing to say.”

Well that's kind of overly expected. Wish you'd done something more out of the box for all three of them rather then very moderately altered canon personalities.

What does he want know?”

What does he want now?"

him in such a good mood since mother’s death.”

Odd statement. Not bad just kind of odd, and since we're not getting description of tone or blocking reads even weirder.

“Oh, she’s out on a jog. I saw her leave the yard 15 minutes ago. She should be back very soon.”


“Thanks. I’ll tell father.”


As Kasumi was about to leave the room she heard a female voice calling from the ground floor: “I’m home.”


“Ah, never mind then.”

Cut. This can be quite simplified by just having her come home, don't need to have this part of the exchange.

Nabiki shook her head. She never understood the mentality of all those blood

Did not expect that reaction from her. Kasumi's I'd change since "Oh My!" really tells us nothing. Having her voice an actual opinion would be helpful. Also while I'm not overly familiar with the HP canon, would not her life have been quite changed from canon here. She'd have elves to help her with a variety of things would she not? Wouldn't that give her more independence and freedom from the home? Just seems like with the addition of magic they represent their canon counterparts far too much, and that's pretty disappointing indeed. Also, lacking is descriptions of their home, and their dress. That likely differs considering their background too, right now everything needs a LOT more filling in. Throwing in Akane's reaction to this revelation would also seem a good idea especially if she has the same sort of direct personality of canon.

Akane went to the dojo for some cool down stretches.

Dojo? So they're magical using...martial artists? I'm confused, I don't see how there is a meshing. Please go into how such a meshing comes about and how it works. Why does Akane care about the physical arts? Is she that poor a witch? Showing her casting would help. Too much summary, and moving too quickly. Slow down and color stuff in.

really well and

rather well and

metropolis still anchored in tradition, although for how long

I don't get this perspective whenever I see it. Street in Nerima, Tokyo, Japan. It's a fairly 'meh' suburb it's not a quaint little traditional Japanese village.

and especially alleviating his fear that he might turn into a girl mentally too

You want to toss that drama out especially since we're dealing with a odd magical race and species? Think you should have left it a tad more open.

While travelling through the Chinese wilderness he had spent most of the time training his sorcery and wizarding skills and he could now cast some simple spells. Unfortunately he had made no headway learning how to control his Veela aura. Try as he might, he just couldn’t get the hang of it. Dongmei had been right after all; he really had to find a Veela to help him with that problem.

I really would've liked seeing some more of this. There wasn't enough of it, and we're moving into Ranmaish canon a little quickly when the story started off on a more unique track.

today is could count as one.

Grammar punch!

“Oh really?” The brunette mocked her sister. “My poor, poor, deluded sister. You have no idea.


She tsked and shook her head as she gave her sister a pitying look. “You have much to learn. Power and money is everything and I am determined to have both.”

Should be on the same line, and also her little lecture really doesn't make sense here. She's about to meet someone she just called a 'major hunk' and is using the opportunity right before so to give her sister a lecture?

“Sisters, stop it!” Kasumi chided her younger siblings. “Nabiki, you know that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Father seems to like them so they are probably fine people.”


“Oh, come off your high horse, big sis! Don’t tell me what to do! You’re not my mother.”

Doesn't seem to work here. Feels out of place.

They are coming.”

They're coming!"

“Nice butt”,

We were going with Japanese tradition and then this? Tone is odd.

She’s the same age as you are,” Soun said.

Odd to say it that way, unless they were born around the same time of year.

You probably don’t remmember him as you were too young, but I’m sure he remembers you.”

Revise this, it's pretty awkwardly worded.

“Yes, those were good times,” Soun reminisced. “If only they had lasted longer.”


“Oh, I’m sorry. I really didn’t want to bring back some bad memories.”


“Don’t worry about it. It’s something I have to deal with all by myself.”

Emotion not there. It's implied but you don't convey it and you probably should.

especially as she was usually the one having to patch Akane up if Dr Tofu was unavailable.

This doesn't make sense. Her whole exchange and them talking here feels out of place considering this is a HP cross and they are all witches. Just feels like that fact doesn't even matter and it should be coloring each and every one of these conversations but it's not coming across at all. You should not be able to cut these lines out and place them in the context of a non-magic using setting. Add more spice to the conversations. Throw in magical terms, throw in casual magic use of some sort throughout the piece.

about it and was embarrassed for getting angry.

I don't understand. They seem so close to canon characterization and then this? I mean is this the Akane kindness reserved for those she views as having a handicap? It really just flows oddly.

“What do you mean? Are you not a squib," the middle daughter enquired.

"You're not a squib?" the middle daughter inquired.

skills.”

floating quotation mark

“Try you worst,”

"Try your worst,"

Without giving a warning to the arrogant prick she attacked. “VOMITO!”

I guess this is fine, but I expected more. Think you'd be better served to retool the Tendo's entirely. Rather then making them witches and wizards who on the side practice martial arts make them martial artist wizards. Blend the hand to hand combat and magical combat together seamlessly into a rather deadly and strong fighting style. This would make for a far more interesting and intriguing piece.

Kasumi told him where the bathroom was

Again...Magic users! Magic! I want to see evidence of magic everywhere! Not just a normal bland bathroom! Needs spice! Exclamation marks! Shock! Interest! Things Ranma isn't used to seeing and being surprised at which you'd expect from a family of magic users with three witches in it! Also would expect a cursory gender change to happen in the bathroom odd that it didn't.

compared him to Dr. Tofu who she had yet to see in the buff, although she hoped that that would happen soon.

Dr. Tofu? Again MAGIC! Either make him a magic user of some importance and strength thus giving him a different title, or show or mention how odd it is that Kasumi likes a normal every day human. This is just too little change in what should be a drastically altered family dynamic.

We have to help him; he’s hurt.

"We have to help him; he’s hurt."

herself.”

floating quotation mark

disagree.”

floating quotation mark

“our fathers

"Our fathers

Soun initiated the conversation,

Word choice could be better.

that there is no spell that can remove them.”

Really? You want to make it that concrete? Seems like a bad idea, making it a little more nebulous gives you more options later.

“What have you done that for?”

Why would that be his reaction? He knew it was coming.

Nabiki’s face as she was already coming up with money making schemes: nude photos, dating services, pleasure slave, potion ingredients... the possibilities were endless.

Sigh...Thought you were going for a little different route with her then this, but apparently not.

Kasumi gasped at the information.

This sort of reaction is happening way too often with her. It's making her seem rather dim.

This needs a lot of work to deliver on what was a rather clever premise. The main problem was simply, ADD MAGIC. At no point in this other then the two quite brief uses of magic did I feel this was at all different enough from Ranma canon. Needs more whimsy quite badly. The characters just seem to normal and close to their canon portrayal when we should see differences all over the place. Other then that it's ok, and the premise is still intriguing but you really need to work at adding in the mystical feel. At no point should I feel like I could be reading a normal quite canon Ranma fic and I did almost throughout this piece.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:06 am

Thx for taking the time to analyze everything.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby borgrabbit » Tue Dec 13, 2011 4:13 am

Darn it. I did a search for the word and never found it. I guess my flacon was buried under the fewmets. :oops:
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Tue Dec 13, 2011 5:01 am

And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:45 am

borgrabbit wrote:Darn it. I did a search for the word and never found it. I guess my flacon was buried under the fewmets. :oops:

If that happened to my flacon, I'd seriously consider not using it again. Ritual contamination plus physical contamination?!
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:17 am

You probably don't want to know what's inside Nabiki's flacons.

I got one question. I get always accused of Akane bashing in my fics. I don't think I've bashed Akane at all in this chapter. What do you think?
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby frice2000 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 10:56 am

Bashed her? Not at all but then we really haven't gotten much if anything from her personality yet. I would say you've bashed a bit on Nabiki beyond her canon characteristics. Akane though she seems fine but she's still pretty hollow.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby borgrabbit » Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:58 am

If that happened to my flacon, I'd seriously consider not using it again. Ritual contamination plus physical contamination?!

Yeah, about as bad as doing radio isotopic analysis on slurry sample from the sewage plant at a nuclear plant. Some smart guy stacked some containers of sample material in front of the big 'muffin' fans on a computer unit. Hydraulic and thermal forces caused a really smelly mess in the counting room and parts of the building served by the same HVAC system. Totally not my fault.

I am curious to see how his veela training will go. Will he have to go to Europe to find one to learn from? If that isn't a spoiler.
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Thu Dec 15, 2011 5:01 am

Well, I can tell you. His teacher will be Apolline Delacour, Fleur's mother. She will take Ranma to Yokai Academy for a few months (Rosario + Vampire crossover just for the fun of it) before she'll take him to France where he'll attend Beauxbatons with Fleur.
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