Veela One Half Chapter 3

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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Spokavriel » Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:13 am

Ok there is likely allot of repeat in here. I was reading in little bits when I needed a break from some research I am doing. So take this with a grain of salt and even though most of it is on phrasing I'm not kidding at all about my last comment.

When Kasumi entered into the room she saw her sister fill several flacons with a murky, smoking liquid from a small cauldron.
I think you meant flagon. Interchangeable with Flask unless you are talking about Wine Flagons that are serving pitchers. In which case it is somewhat larger. And you repeat the miss spelling.

“Eh? What does he want know?”
now.

“That’s something I’d expect from people lime the Kunos. What century are they living in?”
like the Kunos.

Ranma nodded and didn’t ask again. He really hoped that Mr. Tendo patriarch could help.
Mr Tendo OR The Tendo Patriarch. Even Mr Tendo, Patriarch or the Tendo Clan, if you want to be loquacious but this combo just doesn't flow right.

Cured of all girl related prejudices? I'm sorry. I could see helped but even women have some prejudices related to other girls. And I think being broken of most misconceptions is better than "Cure" it shows there's progress and its still being worked on but the delusions are shattered. More a personal thing.

WAIT. He was with the Amazons for only 2 weeks? For all that they supposedly did. No that isn't enough time! Not even if most of it were done using mind altering shampoos. 2 Months maybe. But even that would be pushing it. We're talking about adjusting to being a whole new species, while also coming to terms with the existence of a Magical World, Along with the story about his family and seriously trying to learn to handle powers associated with a completely alien nature with NO ground work to help along those lines. Only whatever assistance Jusnekyo gives and it clearly didn't help with aura control.

I wouldn't even trust a squib who somehow just came into power through some forbidden ritual done by their family to handle their own new magic much less this situation in less than 6 months crash courses. But that's me. And many Squibs don't have Ranma's learning curve.


“Is everything about fighting with you?” Nabiki asked, slightly exasperated. I’m sure there are a lot of things that Ranma would rather do than fighting right away after just arriving in a new place.”
Lost a quote after exasperated to get back into speaking.

“What do you mean? Are you not a squib,” the middle daughter enquired.
I could see Kasumi getting away with this phrasing, barely. It would fit much better for Kuno. "You are not a Squib?" And inquired not enquired.

Her shouts had been loud enough to alert everyone in the house, and the whole family, including Genma, was running into the direction where the shouts had originated from just to meet a still naked and panicking Akane halfway.
I wouldn't use including with Genma. This is one of those tricky places where saying including is suggesting he is part of the Tendo family. I'd suggest saying they all responded instead of the whole family if you want to use that. Or go with the whole family and Genma were running. Oh and it is were not was either way you chose to go.

The two men quickly turned away and Kasumi and Nabiki tried to calm their sister down.
Got an and and here. Please consider replacing the first and with either as or while.

“Nabiki!” Kasumi admonished the her sister who had a lecherous look on her face. We have to help him; he’s hurt.
You forgot to give the later speaking part in this paragraph quotes.

Ranma joined Genma on his side of the table while Kasumi and Nabiki and Kasumi took place next to Akane on the opposite side.
Did Kasumi make a magic clone to be on both sides of Nabiki?

I really think the Tendo family should have been told so they could prepare for instinctive reactions before being shown the Veela curse.


“Hey!” Ranma spluttered in annoyance, his voice definitely sounding very feminine, water dripping off her beautiful face. “What have you done that for?”
They just agreed to show the Tendos. The question doesn't fit and the phrasing is a bit off even if it did fit. I'd suggest "Hey! Can't I get a bit of warning?

“What my son means to say,” Ranma came to his rescue, “is that he would prefer to change into a girl rather than a Veela.”
I think you meant Genma here instead of Ranma.

The two Saotomes told the Tendos what they learnt from the Amazons about the benefits and drawbacks of Ranma’s new form.
learned instead of learnt. I know its more a personal thing but its narration not a thought or spoken, I tend to think of learnt as an accent affected version of learned.

Akane's reaction doesn't feel right to me. A creature that by its nature inspires lust on males... That should be triggering her worst fears and giving her a strong negative reaction when combined with her pervert bashing and contact reactions you already used. This just breaks believability in her portrayal in this fic so far for me. It is PAINFULLY OUT OF CHARACTER I'm not talking cannon I'm talking the way you wrote her in this chapter!
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:37 am

Thx for the input. I've already corrected the spelling mistakes and addressed most of the other issues. I'm almost finished with the rewrite (yes, I've rewritten most of the chapter).
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Re: Veela One Half Chapter 3

Postby Spokavriel » Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:11 am

Looking forward to it. Hopefully it won't take me as long to read through it after the revised version is posted. I don't even believe how much BS Washington DC is pulling this winter though. Its a time for vigilance seeing how most of the Press is ignoring Congress right now. Its a mess. Thank goodness for the Thomas web site.

Sorry tangent. The story is going well it just helps if the tone for characters is consistent or at least has visible reasons for switching suit.
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