Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

This is for posting Fiction and C&C replies ONLY. Note this does not have to be a "fukufic" or evenfanfiction. All longform creative writing allowed. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby WG_Writer » Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:50 pm

Note: I did not like how the previous chapter 3 went and planned something different. Yes the last scene implies another cross, no you will not see characters from that series. At least I do not plan on it.

---
Ranma was written by Takahashi Rumiko and published as an anime by Kitty Films - Fuji TV and Viz Communications, Inc.

Sailor Moon was published as an anime by Toei Animation and Geneon Entertainment

They own their own characters and other such trademarks, only characters that I make are owned by me.

---

Chapter 3 - Ahh! To be a normal teenager… Why not?

---

Haruka had arrived home after a long race and Michiru was still out with her teacher. The blond shook her head at that thought, Michiru was good, and even though her teacher was better, it was more idol worship that kept her going for more lessons. It had been a month since Ranma moved in with them and that month was far from dull, it seemed that trouble followed him like his shadow.

She finished parking her car and walked into the house. She wondered what sort of trouble ‘The Trio’ got into while they were left here alone. She smirked in the memory of Setsuna telling Ranma he had to stay in girl form while they were alone. Haruka knew it was more to keep Michiru and Usagi more relaxed about leaving them alone with Ranma, but in all honestly it was unnecessary. Setsuna’s job as the guidance councilor kept her working even during the school summer break, so the three teens were left unsupervised. Everyone knew Ranma was just too shy to do anything, but then again he did live under the same roof as herself and Michiru.

As Haruka entered the living room she heard a sound from the chair on the other side of the couch. After doing a double take, she tripped on her own two feet out of shock and landed on her face. While recovering she denied to herself about what she had seen on the chair. The fallen girl’s next reaction was to get up and look over the couch again. After confirming what she had seen the first time she collapsed again, this time in brief hysterics. She was not prepared for that sight, and it showed. She quickly gathered herself up and called Setsuna at the school.

An hour later all the Senshi were gathered to figure out what happened. And as they were running around asking random questions that seemed to get to nowhere. This left Ranma time to reflect on his new situation. Or rather the new one he, or rather she at the moment, landed in a month ago.

It was a noticeable change from his life at the Tendo’s with his father. The fact that his mother happened to live with other Sailor Senshi didn’t surprise him any. He at least knew that two of them weren’t interested in him; the third one was another story. The déjà vu that he got by living with Hotaru made him compare his life now and how he figured it would be when he first arrived at the Tendo’s. Unfortunately his luck seemed to never change and both parents seemed to bring the same problems. At least he didn’t think his mother planned on the engagement with Hotaru, or Chibi-Usa. Internally he cringed at the thought of a time traveling Genma actively sending him fiancées.

Hotaru tried to console Ranma, and she really tried her best, “Don’t worry Ranma, they will find out what happened and fix it.” Hotaru was sitting to Ranma’s left with an arm around her.

Ranma really wanted to believe that, but it truly felt like he lost ten years of his training, she could only sit there hanging her head in depression. Hotaru for all she tried was not succeeding in cheering him up.

“She’s right Ranma, it will be okay.” Ranma knew it was worse than he thought; Chibi-Usa was trying to console him. She was on his right mirroring Hotaru.

Ranma’s head snapped up when she saw a flash and heard a click. It didn’t help that his mother was there smiling and holding a camera. Ranma proceeded to pout after a short but cute growl of “Mom!” Unfortunately, instead of getting the sympathy she was aiming for all she heard was a few of the other Senshi going, “Awwww!”

All three of them, Ranma, Hotaru, and Chibi-Usa, were currently sitting in a chair, and were currently in seven year old bodies. Nobody knew how or why it happened, just that when Haruka came home she found the three of them sitting in the same position they were now, except all three were trying to cover themselves in clothes that were way too big.

Setsuna decided she had enough pictures and tried to cheer up her son, “I am sorry Ranma, but you will have to put up with it a little while longer. We still have yet to determine exactly what happened to cause...” She trailed off for a moment to gather the right words, “this. Honestly I haven’t encountered anything similar to this before.”

Most of the Senshi were a little worried, if she was lacking an answer, it usually meant trouble. All they could do for now was to try and figure out what happened. At least they could sneak pictures of the three sitting together like that.

Ranma glared at his nemesis, Usagi Tsukino senior. The last series of things to happen to him were connected to her in some way. First her future daughter came from the future, again, and explained that the engagement that included Hotaru, also included her. Then there was the incident involving the slumber party, then getting drafted into the girl’s sports teams, specifically Usagi’s. She still had yet to figure out how her mother was pulling that off and keeping non-Senshi in the dark about the curse. Given that Mamoru was once again nursing a broken arm it was enough to wonder if Usagi was a black cat in disguise.

After that thought his eyes briefly darted to Luna before realizing she wasn’t a cat. It scared Ranma afterwards to wake up, with both girls curled up to him; she kept expecting Akane to storm in and mallet him. It was an ingrained reflex that he was breaking, slowly.

Ranma fumed, and the two girls on either side hugged him again, then he looked back to his mother and asked, “I know that I have to wait for a while, but why am I doing it as a girl?”

Chibi’s mother answered, “Sorry Ranma, the only clothes we had on hand in your sizes were Chibi’s.”

Ranma pouted then had one last question, “Then why are we all in school uniforms?”

Chibi answered for her mother, “Because we look so cute in them.”

Sailor Pluto, who was currently in uniform, shook her head, “Because it’s all we had in that size.”

---

It was late night two days later when Ami and Setsuna finally had an answer, just not a complete one. It was around nine in the evening that the Senshi meeting occurred, and only the seven year olds were absent, or rather present and sleeping. One problem with being in such young bodies was the need for more sleep; Setsuna had recommended they let them sleep as they will, rather than treat them like the seven year olds they were in body. After all they would only resent it and fight it. If left alone, however, they would sleep enough anyway. Presently the three sleepers were in Rei’s bedroom so that the meeting in the fire reading room would not wake them.

Ami yawned herself, as she snapped the Mercury computer closed. She stretched then looked at the others, “I know roughly what happened now, what caused the age reversion was a small mushroom that was known of in the Silver Millennium. It was hard to place due to some physical changes, and some property changes, but it is close enough to what it was back then that I could identify it.”

Ami reached into her pack and removed a small box, and then opened it and showed it to the others. Upon seeing it Usagi gasped, it was the cap of a mushroom. She then explained after noticing the looks, “My mother bought a small package of those from the store almost a week ago. Apparently they were rare and my mom could only get one package. But they disappeared before she could use them they disappeared.”

Setsuna shook her head, “So now we know what happened to them. Well now we know what caused it, and what can do we do about it.”

Ami looked at the mushroom, “Typically we would simply grow a new batch, and let the stems grow to the length in centimeters per year of how old we want them to be. Unfortunately, this one was dead too long, and either as a result, or in addition all its spores are gone. We will need to find a new batch to grow. I tried scanning with the Mercury Computer, but yielded no results. To be honest I expected that since there was a note in the system saying that they were hard to detect even at close range, and impossible at long range. We need to find some way to track down who found them first and have them tell us.”

Setsuna claimed, “It actually should be easy enough for me to find using the time gates, following the past is generally easy. I don’t see a problem in tracking them down and should be done in a few minutes,” she smirked before finishing, “relatively speaking of course.”

After Usagi nodded in consent Setsuna teleported out. Minako and Makoto were just getting started their usual boy comparison discussion when Pluto returned cursing quietly. Noticing the looks she shrugged and explained, “Long story short, the mushrooms were sold to the store by a... rival... of Ranma’s. He cannot be tracked in the gate. Like Ranma he is a blind spot, fortunately in Ranma’s case I can simply ‘follow’ him in the gate indirectly, I cannot with Ryoga because he keeps disappearing. Almost like he is using some form teleportation, only he isn’t... We will need to get the information out of him directly.”

After a moment of blank looks she looked at Ami, “I will explain later.” She then turned to the others, “Simply put the gate will not see him at all. Which means no easy way today.”
Nods ran around the table as they got the idea. Then Minako piped up, “Okay, where do we find him?” Setsuna glared at the blond until Minako flinched and asked, “What, it’s a valid question?” She saw everyone glaring at her, she realized nobody had any idea where he could be found and squeaked out, “Never mind.”

Setsuna sighed and decided to tell them a little about the pig, “Okay, I will give you enough information on him so you can be ready. First of all if you encounter him while transformed he will pass out, he is very shy around girls, and our uniforms will be enough, especially if we are together. Second, like Ranma he has a Jusenkyo curse. He was foolish enough to follow Ranma to China, and foolish enough to stand at the edge of a cliff, Ranma accidently knocked him into a spring while in the throes of transformation shock. Ryoga’s curse turns him into a small black piglet. He carries around a large backpack and a heavy red umbrella.”

Minako suddenly paled and she interjected with a question, “Does he have an orange with black spots bandana?”

Setsuna blinked and nodded, “How did you...”

Minako sighed and Artemis piped up, “We found him in piglet form yesterday, he was next to his backpack, and a pile of clothes, and they looked like someone was... well... teleported out of them. The piglet seemed to be trying to boil water. We had to leave him there because of that Youma attack at the mall, and when we got back the piglet, the backpack, and the clothes were gone.”

Minako nodded and added, “We didn’t say anything since it seemed too weird to tell anyone, besides there didn’t look like a fight occurred there, and I could tell that the umbrella on the pack was weighted.” At the looks she got she quickly added, “What? I have seen people weight all kinds of weird things while I was Sailor V. It’s strange, but good training I bet. So I figured it was just a martial artist that was camping out and went for supplies or something. The clothes might have just been laid out for later use.”

Artemis added, “So you see, it was weird, but not so much so that we thought there was a danger of some kind. I sensed no evil at all, just heavy depression.”

Setsuna sighed, “That is the last point, Ryoga is depressed all the time, and he has an attack powered by depression. It would not hurt us much in Senshi form, but might hurt badly or hospitalize us if we aren’t transformed. He is a berserker, so you should be careful, he will not watch for innocent bystanders, nor will he care about collateral damage. He has a foolish vendetta against Ranma, but it seems to have lapsed somewhat in the time before Ranma moved here. Be warned he will likely attack Ranma on sight, however, Ranma’s age problem will probably keep Ryoga from recognizing him.”

---

It was the following day and all the other Senshi were out looking for Ryoga. Yet the youngest and Ranma were left to their own devices. “Are you sure we should be doing this?” Hotaru asked for the third time.

Ranma and Chibi-Usa both nodded before Chibi replied, “It’s not like anything will happen to us right, I mean we are really older then we look. Beside we have Ranma with us,” she punctuated her point by glomping said boy turned girl’s right arm. “What could go wrong?”

All three girls were still in school uniforms; Ranma’s mother had apologized but explained that if she got Ranma proper clothes for his current height, then it would be like admitting that this change was going to be for a while.

Ranma sighed, she knew for a fact she was going to get in trouble for this, “You know saying that is just asking for trouble right?”

Usa shrugged cutely and replied, “Good, I’m bored anyway. Besides unlike all the others we can still call upon some of our powers even like this. And you are the big strong martial artist, you can protect us if something goes bad until we can transform.”

Hotaru looked at Usa suspiciously, “You say that like you expect we will need to transform.”

Chibi-Usa shrugged, “Let’s face it, it’s the three of us, do you think we can go any length of time without some random monster coming out of nowhere to attack us?”

Hotaru and Ranma both groaned. They realized she was probably right. Ranma had to ask, “Then explain why we are sneaking into an amusement park again? A normal park would be less trouble.”

Chibi-Usa disengaged her glomp and dashed ahead of the two before stopping and turning around, with her hands on her hips, “Because, you didn’t take us out on a date yet, and it’s more romantic to go there.”

Ranma’s eye twitched her saying that ensured that something would happen; she could only hope that it was learning a new technique.

---

Across the city and an hour later the Tendo’s were watching the news. It was reporting a live event where a demon of some sort was attacking an amusement park. As they watched they saw a small, red haired, elementary school girl throw Ranma’s signature attack at the demon and it have no effect. She flipped away as the demon moved in for a counter attack. Then they watched as a shorter version of Saturn showed up to help fight the monster, sans her glaive.

Their attention was torn away from the television as Genma cried out, “Nooooo! I always knew that she would turn him into a weak little girl. But nobody would listen!”

Soun ignored what was going on around him; it was his way to cope with the situation. He was pretending Ranma was away on a training trip and would return in a few weeks. The power of delusion he held was only beaten by the Kuno family.

As the family was distracted by their own problems they failed to notice the demon getting destroyed by Sailor Moon, followed by the young Senshi and Ranma being dragged off by their respective mothers. Fortunately nothing really left a connection between them that could hint the relationships.

---

Setsuna paced in front of the three age reduced individuals. She was mad, and scared, as much as she wanted to, she could not bring any ire at her son and his fiancées. She was mad with herself, she had not predicted this problem. Hotaru was current without her glaive, it was just too big for her to even attempt to use right now, actually it was too big before the mushrooms to use as a melee weapon, but she managed. Now it was impossibly too big to even use as a focus. Chibi-Usa was partially depowered too, but it was actually because she lacked a focus of her own. Her old wand, the Crystal Carillon, was back in the future, it had stopped working correctly for her shortly after her last return to the future, so she was in need of a new focus.

Ranma, her son Ranma, was not a Sailor Senshi, nor was he another Kamen. This was a real scare for her, her son could have been killed today; all three could have been killed today. If Mercury had not detected the demon and alerted everyone then they probably would have lost one, if not all three. She had to do something, but she was at a loss as to what. Technically they were in the right for what they did, even if it was heroically dumb. Her eyes hardened as she came to a decision. Setsuna turned to the three, cowering children and spoke, “You three are grounded from fighting.”

She ignored the protests that came, “But mom!” “Setsuna-mama!” “Puu!”

She responded with a glare, a warm glare, but still a glare, “The three of you did both the right thing here and the wrong thing. Yes, fighting to save people is the right thing, but none of you are in any condition to fight. All you did was slow it down, and that there is the problem. If you were your normal ages you would have won, easily, but you’re not. For now, you two are benched,” her eyes softened further and she smirked, “and you need to make sure my son doesn’t do something stupid trying to prove himself.”

Ranma protested but it was drowned out by giggling from either side of him.

Setsuna turned and walked to the other side of the room where Luna and Artemis were laying down, and spoke in a way that allowed no argument, “We are going to find a way to fix this little power problem, understand!” She disappeared with the two after the cats nodded dumbly.

Everyone blinked when she disappeared, then Usagi, who decided to break up the mood, grabbed the nearest of Rei’s manga and drew attention to herself, “Ohh! I haven’t read this one yet.”

Rei reached for it and unleashed her battle cry, “Give it back Meatball Head.” As she neared it Usagi moved in such a way she could continue reading it and keep it out of Rei’s reach. Their antics distracted everyone from the current troubles, everyone but three benched, younger than usual, warriors.

---
Ami finished typing up her findings on her computer and closed it with a snap after saving her work. She stretched and arched her back and fell backwards onto her bed. After much searching she had finally located all she was looking for. However she became concerned about her findings and if she should even say everything about them. While she had a solution to the immediate problem of how to protect the age affected members of her group, meaning Chibi-Usa, Hotaru, and Ranma, what she learned was a potential problem in and of itself.

The source of the problem was apparently the how of the bond between Usagi and Mamoru existed. The problem was she had found out it was not natural. Even worse she had learned that she, or rather her Moon Kingdom self back in the Silver Millennium, was tasked to monitor it and as such she had extensive logs from back then as to how it was formed, and who did it.

The confusing point was there was a surprising lack of the reason why noted. She studied much of what she could from those logs and learned that her past self was not against guessing the reasons behind almost anything else. She found logs about other topics where the question of why was dredged up and put under the microscope as it were until an answer was reached or a set of conflicting notes were left apparently in frustration.

Even more oddly there was no sign of obvious tampering as absolutely none of the files regarding the procedure showed any evidence that it was edited to remove it.

Ami sighed and glanced to a photo of herself, Usagi, Mamoru, Minako, Makoto, and Rei. She focused on the couple in question.

There was only one obvious answer and she was not sure she liked it. If she was correct then history as she knew it may have been wrong. Thinking further she had to think that if what she knew of this was correct, than how much other information did they just take for granted was either incorrect or a lie.

She lifted her computer and looked at it, and more to the point the sigil of Mercury on its surface. She realized she already had part of the answer. The missing information was telling enough for her and it was the message from her past to her present, perhaps if indirectly. Back then she did know the why, and worse was told not to log it. Only one person had that authority that she knew of.

Ami looked again at the same photo then the one beside it that held the remaining members of her circle of friends, in civilian form of course. She focused on the one person who could hold the answer. The question is if she should ask and even if she didn’t what this knowledge meant. Opening her computer again she had a fearful hunch and found one log, it was her own from this life. The log outlined how the Silver Crystal was Usagi’s Star seed or rather how it was now.


---
“...Usagi does not have two Star Seeds, only the one.” Ami directed her comment at the oddly calm woman before her. Not that Setsuna being calm most of the time was unusual, but since this was potentially a threat against Usagi she was expecting more. Still she pressed on, “Whatever she had before getting the Silver Crystal must have been destroyed or more likely absorbed into the Silver Crystal. You have seen it yourself, Usagi acts like her mother from the Moon Kingdom at times”

Ami saw that her green haired companion was still listening attentively, yet not commenting. Internally frustrated she continued, “Obviously if the Queen had formed the bond between Usagi and Mamoru herself then the fall of the Moon Kingdom was a war that was started intentionally by Queen Serenity herself. It was a plan, a long term plan to take over the Earth. One that even now is still running it course. More over we know already it was a success as Chibi-Usa is living proof.”

As Ami calmed her tirade of accusations about the past Setsuna lifted her hand and held up three fingers. Setsuna spoke calmly, “Three facts are where you went wrong, but you are almost there. I will give you the first hint, Usagi’s Silver Crystal is not her Mother’s, not exactly anyway.”

That got Ami’s attention, “How?”

Setsuna smirked, “Did you think you were Golems? Or simply created in your past with crystals in hand? Or that your Mothers died in child birth giving you their Sailor Crystals so you the Heir will be able to carry on the fight? Or do you think you were the first and only Mercury? Sure you reincarnated this time but remember the Queen intervened. Also remember you were told that the Sailor Senshi under the Queen arrived here in this Solar System and established the Moon Kingdom, yet you remember being slightly older then the princess. This is your first fact you are going wrong, all this adds to...” Setsuna trailed off as Ami pondered the given information

The Senshi of Mercury recalled that was correct. She KNEW Minako specifically was raised to be a primary bodyguard and bodydouble if needed. An adult would not be able to do that, but someone maybe 2 years senior could.

But she also knew that the Silver Crystal was separate from Usagi for her first 14 years, yet if this was what she was getting wrong by way of Setsuna’s comment about how their Mothers passed on their powers, then there must be something missing. That was it she thought, “The Silver Crystal that Queen Serenity had was broken into 7 pieces but it was always meant to form with the 8th piece in Usagi, and when it finally did she gained her final form.”

Setsuna nodded, “Close but not complete, she is still in the process of merging, but what little is left does not matter. Also if you really think on the matter it originally looked the same as Queen Serenity’s, like a simple Prism. Now it looks more like a flower.”

Ami then realized this was the lead into the second fact, “So Queen Serenity is not taking over Usagi or turning her into some kind of clone?”

Her green haired companion let out a soft smile that seemed almost wistful. Taking a drink of tea that was cooling nearby she replied, “Yes and No. Usagi is a Serenity, it is who she is, who she always was, and who she will be. It was not a choice that Serenity made beyond deciding to have a child. Think of it more like magical genetics, Sailor Crystals do imprint children that way, and the stronger the Crystal, the stronger the imprint.”

Ami made an odd face, “So does that mean that Ranma inherited from you?”

Setsuna tilted her head, “The relationship between me and Ranma is odd but yes. Remember I died with Time Stop back then, but Ranma was already alive. Normally he would be the one to gain my powers automatically but, I came back after reincarnating in the future. Thus I actually am still me, plus I technically got back what I gave him since I Inherited it back. That is why the situation with him is odd, he has the same kind of potential as Usagi did when she started, however his is far less since he did not come from the Serenity line, which is very strong in certain areas. His potential was actually in an area that I suspect his father influenced. Physical potential.”

The younger companion’s eyes widened a fraction, “Martial Arts?”

Nodding Setsuna continued, “Regardless the point is that when we with Sailor Crystals give birth or Sire someone it usually presets them to be similar to us they will gain a fraction of our powers and our weakens by that amount, because what happened is a piece of our crystal broke off and formed in them. After time we regain what we lost as our Powers are not meant to transfer automatically and they cannot fracture past a point, thus why back then none of you had siblings. Your parents simply cannot produce another potential heir until they recover, and as a counter to this we live long lives.”

Pondering the words that made it click that the facts: Usagi was not becoming THE Serenity, rather was fully becoming A Serenity, and thus Queen Serenity was not trying to take over Usagi, but what was the third mistake? Chewing on her lip she thought before asking, “Ok so that is two mistakes and they are essentially the same parts of the puzzle, so where does the last fit? Why would Serenity bind Usagi to Mamoru and start the war like that?”

The response was not what she expected, “That is the third mistake.”

Ami was stunned, even more so with Setsuna’s next statement, “The Queen started the war about a year before Usagi ever came about. And what I tell you next does not leave this room. You do not log it in your computer, nor will you even think about it if you can help it. In fact I am only telling you now because not knowing could end up worse and you knew this back then as well. This is the big key, the real reason that Earth went to war on the moon, and something that Usagi and Mamoru must never know.”

Setsuna readied herself for this, “In all your records do you have any information on Usagi’s father.” Ami reached for her system and Setsuna smirked as she intercepted her hand, capturing it half way to the table in front of them before shaking her head no. Ami schooled her features as she recalled she had a search logging system. Releasing Ami’s hand she smirked, “No you do not have that record, because it was never recorded; only I and now you will know it.” Her face grew very solemn and grew very serious. And more so as she spoke, “Not even Luna knows. If you recall I told you that someone who has a Sailor Crystal cannot have a child soon after another, there is one exception. If one tries with a Sailor Crystal holder who is ready then.”

Before any questions could be asked Setsuna nearly glaring at Ami to press the point, “The only male with a Sailor Crystal was King Endimon, and the only female who had not become pregnant was the Queen herself.”

“Half-“

She was cut off as the look turned to full glare, “Yes back then they were half siblings. After Usagi was born the King pressed the matter himself, regardless of the fact that he was the one in the wrong since he did cheat on his wife, the Earth would side with him were the information public, unfortunately when I informed the Queen that should she go ahead with the process The Fall would happen. Thus the Queen had no choice. She bonded them as children, too young to know what was happening. The plan was for the fall to happen as it did, her sending all of you forward was all scripted as it could be. It would have been much worse otherwise. Despite what you are now thinking we were not strong enough short of Saturn letting loose on the Earth pre-emptively if you follow my meaning, to prevent them from winning.”

Ami blinked at all that information.

“In a way you are correct the Queen engineered The Fall, she did it to ensure we would be here now, and so that Crystal Tokyo can exist.”

---
Setsuna now could trust Ami to get the information about the bond to Usagi in a safe way. Now she only had one more problem to take care of.

But really the problem was a small one. Despite who might stand in her way of what she wanted she knew full well that they would only put up a token fight. After all she could do things within her own power to affect them and it would be more dangerous than Saturn going rogue. Even worse she would be in the right to flex that power.

The fact she had not yet done so meant that they owed her, and they knew it full well. After all She was the one who could have dealt with certain threats that lead to them getting that girl with so much potential. Not to mention that the mess that they caused was their fault and had she cleaned it up herself they would have owed her more and not have gotten the girl.

Nodding she decided to call it in. They would complain about her request, but they would accept it and comply. After all their own leader was a Sailor Senshi too, and back channels never hurt.
Last edited by WG_Writer on Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Storm trooper effect works against good guys as well.
No matter how strong you are, there is always a teenager able to beat you without breaking a sweat.
A blind Paladin can only hear half truths
A deaf Paladin can only see half truths
Either way the Paladin is a berserker
WG_Writer
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1086
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Oct 30, 2011 6:48 pm

Quite a lot of changes you made there. I don't understand the last part. What exactly are Setsuna's plans?
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3332
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby WG_Writer » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:22 am

Basically its meant to be a hidden 3rd series cross with Nanoha, she is implying she is going to twist the TSAB's arm into giving her 3 modified Intelligent Devices, under the point of fact she did not interfere with the events of surounding Nanoha. That and as a hidden threat that if they do not comply then they will have difficulty with the Time part of TSAB for a period. Essentually this means she would be threatening to ground their fleet.

Its not something she can do easily on a grand scale as she would need to stop each ship herself, but the underlying fact is that they believe she can is enough.
Storm trooper effect works against good guys as well.
No matter how strong you are, there is always a teenager able to beat you without breaking a sweat.
A blind Paladin can only hear half truths
A deaf Paladin can only see half truths
Either way the Paladin is a berserker
WG_Writer
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1086
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby Dumbledork » Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:02 am

So, no Ranma as a senShi then. With the title I had hoped this would be a fukufic.
Last edited by Dumbledork on Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3332
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:12 am

[quote="WarGiver"The confusing point was there was a surprising lack of why noted. She studied much of what she could from those logs and learned that her past self was not against surmising the issue, she did find logs about other topics where the question of why was dredged up and put under the microscope as it were until an answer was reached or a set of conflicting notes were left apparently in frustration.[/quote]
Not the clearest sequence here. The 'what' and 'why' would work better if they were in single quotes. And while I can make 'surmise' work if I strain, I suspect you meant 'summarize'.
Visit Big Washuu's Lab of Arcane Knowledge at http://washuu.net
Ellen Kuhfeld
User avatar
Sailor Starlight
Posts: 1687
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby WG_Writer » Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:47 pm

my bad

I was misusing a word, I was meaning she believed her past self had known and not loged the whys of the issue leaving her present self to guess at it.
Storm trooper effect works against good guys as well.
No matter how strong you are, there is always a teenager able to beat you without breaking a sweat.
A blind Paladin can only hear half truths
A deaf Paladin can only see half truths
Either way the Paladin is a berserker
WG_Writer
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1086
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby WG_Writer » Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:50 pm

Dumbledork wrote:So, no Ranma as a senShi then. With the title I had hoped this would be a fukufic.


Do not lose hope yet; All I will say is Ranma will not be Sailor Chibi-Pluto... as cute as picturing a 7 year old Ranma-Chan in the outfit trying to hold that staff up is, it isn't planned.
Storm trooper effect works against good guys as well.
No matter how strong you are, there is always a teenager able to beat you without breaking a sweat.
A blind Paladin can only hear half truths
A deaf Paladin can only see half truths
Either way the Paladin is a berserker
WG_Writer
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1086
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby frice2000 » Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:22 pm

At least with his mother, he believed, it wasn’t her fault.

Reads as awkward to me.

Ranma proceeded to pout but instead of getting the sympathy she was aiming for all she heard was a few of the other Senshi going, “Awwww!”

Could use a line from Ranma here.

Honestly I never saw this happen before.”

Hard to tell with Setsuna but this may have a tense problem.

It was an ingrained habit that was breaking, slowly.

Needs to be reworded. Bit of an object problem.

After all they would only resent it and fight it, however, if left alone they would sleep enough anyway, which they were

That runs a little long. Break it up into separate sentences I'd say.

“My mother bought a small package of those from the store almost a week ago, they were apparently a one time item. Before she could use them they disappeared.”

Huh? I can understand what you're trying to get across but this really could use some rewording.

“So now we know what happened to them. Well now we know what caused it, and what can do we do about it.”

Can remove, "Well now we know what caused it." since you just said that with the previous sentence. Then change the last bit to something like, 'Well what can we do about it?' Since from the next line that's obviously what she was kind of asking.

and be done in a few minutes

and should be done in a few minutes

“Think of it this way, when you are looking at something in front of you, you only need to move your eyes, but in this case when you move your eyes to follow it disappears, however, when you move your head you can still see it.” As they seemed to somewhat understand she continued, “This rival of Ranma’s somehow causes a moment of static,

Hmm...Think you'd be better keeping it a bit more generic or not explaining it.

“Nooooo! I always knew that she would turn him into a weak little girl. But nobody would listen!”

Kasumi put a hand over her mouth momentarily before replying, “Oh my! We never knew you meant literally Panda-san.”

Hehe really funny on Genma's line, don't think we really need Kasumi's follow-up. It's funnier without it in my opinion.
frice2000
User avatar
Asteroid Senshi
Posts: 572
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby WG_Writer » Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:08 pm

Edited the original post to include the suggestions.
Storm trooper effect works against good guys as well.
No matter how strong you are, there is always a teenager able to beat you without breaking a sweat.
A blind Paladin can only hear half truths
A deaf Paladin can only see half truths
Either way the Paladin is a berserker
WG_Writer
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1086
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby borgrabbit » Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:53 am

But they disappeared before she could use them they disappeared.”

But, before she could use them, they disappeared.”
Duplicated duplication...
Old fart.

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Today's cliche is next century's classic.
borgrabbit
User avatar
Chibi Sailor Senshi
Posts: 349
 

Re: Wild Charon Chapter 3 rewrite

Postby WG_Writer » Wed Nov 02, 2011 5:58 pm

Corrected on my master copy, thanks.
Storm trooper effect works against good guys as well.
No matter how strong you are, there is always a teenager able to beat you without breaking a sweat.
A blind Paladin can only hear half truths
A deaf Paladin can only see half truths
Either way the Paladin is a berserker
WG_Writer
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1086
 


Return to Stories and C&C

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users