A Voice in the Dark - Chapter 1 [Ranma]

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Re: A Voice in the Dark - Chapter 1 [Ranma]

Postby frice2000 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 7:55 pm

Because at that moment, Nabiki was running

The start does catch my interest here. And catches it nicely, and this leading into the rest of the story is good, but could use some more details and less shoe talk. Showing her running rather then have her contemplating shoes, sweating, fearing, etc. While wishing she was in running shoes would probably make this more powerful.

She was meeting with someone in town

Could do with defining that she's meeting a mark.

adventure in man

adventure in a man

she could also didn't mind

remove could

but his exercise was likely strictly aerobic

I get the picture but this isn't really the best way to say it in my opinion.

In the end, it was a relationship doomed to fail. Either the man would break down and go mad from all the pressure, or the wife would find out. And some of those wives could be a real killer. She wouldn't ever get herself into a situation like that. Too much bad mojo. And she had her pride as well.

Think you should cut this down a little. Too much meandering.

He took a glance around the yard.

Nothing about him being put out about that? She is being quite rude, and he is likely above her and her father on the social scale.

She sat down on her bed and looked around the room, hoping that something interesting

Drags a bit here.

reading a manga and not paying much attention to the situation.

Strikes me a bit more as Nabiki herself then something Akane would do.

Furinkan

You keep using that rather then Nerima when that may be more appropriate, the school does not the district of Tokyo make. Nerima. Street view

tragic ending...!

Ellipses and exclamation mark?

"Oh!" Akane said. "A family friend."

Akane doesn't know about a mentally infirm lady who keeps coming and reminding them of their dead mother on her birthday?

"So why are you telling us this?" Nabiki asked

Um...kind of obvious she should understand right away why he's telling them this.

This serial killer or whatever will take one good look at lil sis here and fall instantly in love.

Hmm, Akane saying something like she'll take care of it and then Nabiki saying what follows here would likely be a bit more in character.

of unprofessional-ism, or the sense that she didn't care

Cut down to, 'of being unprofessional.'

Nabiki thought she saw the person she was meeting from the outside, through the windows... She spotted him

Simplify this down, don't need to know so many details.

and then I go home?"

Don't need the 'I'

even practice

even to practice

"Or I'll find a way for you to pay me."

Her facial expression here would be a nice addition.

weather was colder

weather was getting colder or weather was taking a turn

It looked like

It?

A wooden sword?

A bokken? (Though that depends on style wooden sword is ok but it is a little western)

She turned a corner and saw a rectangular green

Needs more threatening bits before this, else her reaction seems over the top. Him following her for awhile works, but not enough setup just yet for this.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die...

Again doesn't strike me as that panicky naturally. Needs more to make this seem plausible for her to be this panicked.

All in all an interesting start. Could use some cutting and additions here and there but as an introduction it did catch my interest, as I said on FFnet.
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Re: A Voice in the Dark - Chapter 1 [Ranma]

Postby frice2000 » Sun Sep 11, 2011 2:00 am

"Shoe talk", haha. This was actually one of the last parts of it that I wrote,

No that is a good lead in and it was needed so good instincts on that. Just the total focus on the shoes feels like a mistake. Her running, sweating, and wishing for better shoes while running for her life with a whole lot of kinesthetic bits rather then just mental shoe talk would make your hook at the start even better. The shoes falling apart while she's running, hurting her, something. Also using this again later in the story near word for word and it fitting entirely also makes this kind of intro much stronger, so you might want to consider that as well.
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Re: A Voice in the Dark - Chapter 1 [Ranma]

Postby PCHeintz72 » Sun Sep 11, 2011 7:59 pm

mushroompirate wrote:I made some revisions on the first chapter, and posted it on ffnet

I think fukufics thread policy said I have to wait a week before changing/reuploading it here though?

Really... I'll have to relook at the rules for that, as I'm certain I've seen C&C threads update with revisions faster than that for turn around times... 'The Return' certainly does, and that is one of Sunshine Temples fics, if it can, others should be able to...

Only issue with waiting a week in regards to updates is posting multiple times in the update thread that it updated. There was issue with some authors whom update fast had fans of their work here that was flooding the update thread with notices...
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Re: A Voice in the Dark - Chapter 1 [Ranma]

Postby Cheb » Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:07 pm

The only noises she heard were the horns of cars somewhere off in the distance and the sound of the earth underneath her feet.

You forgot the dogs barking. Their "Wan Wan-wan U----" are the most prominent SFX you see painted over the night skies in the manga, white on black background. As ever-present as the sound of cicadas during the summer day.
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