[NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

[Sunshine Temple]

Chapter 11 Defects and Acquisitions Part 2 has been posted here

Read and enjoy.

Edit: Have added a scene in the latest update.

[Mitchell]

Awesome update. Nice to see how Irule defected and the battle was good. Some of the characters were annoying but in a way I believe you meant to be intentional (That CEO near the end etc).


Only one or two things to comment on for now. Ill come back with more after a reread maybe.

Kiko fired canister shot at the approaching group of familiars.
(did you mean a 'Kiko fired A canister shot at the approaching group of familiars?)

Unit 02 then dropped two shells she was about to put into her Mark 9. Cross-drew her revolver and began to take measured shots at the few stragglers that had withstood the canister shot barrage.
(the two sentances seems a bit awkward)

[Sunshine Temple]

Mitchell

Awesome update. Nice to see how Irule defected and the battle was good. Some of the characters were annoying but in a way I believe you meant to be intentional (That CEO near the end etc).

[Yeah, CC was definitely meant to go that way.
[Glad the defection and battle came off well.

Only one or two things to comment on for now. Ill come back with more after a reread maybe.

Kiko fired canister shot at the approaching group of familiars.
(did you mean a 'Kiko fired A canister shot at the approaching group of familiars?)

[yes, I can correct that.

Unit 02 then dropped two shells she was about to put into her Mark 9. Cross-drew her revolver and began to take measured shots at the few stragglers that had withstood the canister shot barrage.
(the two sentances seems a bit awkward)

[Let's try this clarification

[[
"Hey Rookie, Wonder-girl get down here and clear our backs!" Kiko yelled. Unit 02 took out two shells and was about to load them into her Mark 9. Then some of the Angel familiars charged. She then cross-drew her revolver and began to take measured shots at the few stragglers that had withstood the canister shot barrage.
]]

[Will put an updated version in a bit.
[Getting some comments from Belgarion that will be uploaded too.

[Thanks for commenting.

Edit:

[Ahh you're the same poster as Belg on the chat.

[Well uploated the chapter with V1b

[Thanks for the help and corrections.

[Drawde]

Nothing to point out, sorry. Other than noticing that someone's been playing a little too much Portal 2

Interesting about Iruel though. It will be interesting seeing how true her defection is (doesn't look too true to me though).

[Mitchell]

Looks a lot better. I'll do a reread in a bit, once I let it settle in my head for a bit with a much more careful speed instead of speeding through it. I think Pale can comment on my slightly absurd reading speed when I get new

I'm Belgarion as well for future notice but heh.

[Sunshine Temple]

Belgarion/Mitchell
Looks a lot better. I'll do a reread in a bit, once I let it settle in my head for a bit with a much more careful speed instead of speeding through it. I think Pale can comment on my slightly absurd reading speed when I get new

[Cool, that'll have some other stuff pop up maybe.

I'm Belgarion as well for future notice but heh.

[Heh.

Drawde
Nothing to point out, sorry. Other than noticing that someone's been playing a little too much Portal 2

[Heh. Well haven't played it tooo... much

Interesting about Iruel though. It will be interesting seeing how true her defection is (doesn't look too true to me though).

[One thing to watch is how Mikki handles this.

[Dartz]

I like how Touji is coming across as the only sane man in the whole affair.... he's a nice viewpoint character for the audience in all of this, even if he does have something of a sword of damocles hanging over his head.

Mikki quoting Heath Ledger's Joker almost word for word was a little bit unsettling. I kept reading that scene in the Joker's voice.

The only thing that really stands out at me is CC. As a character, she's just plain grating. As much as the TF2 elements are a little bit of fun, I think including a distaff counterpart to Cave Johnson might've been a bit too far. Cave is the occasional merriment to break the monotony of a silent protagonist every now and then while you're wracking your brains trying to figure out the next puzzle, and just feels out of place. She may be a step too far....

[Sunshine Temple]

Dartz
I like how Touji is coming across as the only sane man in the whole affair.... he's a nice viewpoint character for the audience in all of this, even if he does have something of a sword of damocles hanging over his head.

[Yeah, he's very fun and gives a "sane man" view of things.
[Which makes his own developments as he gets used to Piloting interesting.

Mikki quoting Heath Ledger's Joker almost word for word was a little bit unsettling. I kept reading that scene in the Joker's voice.

[Hehe. Well the Joker was chosen deliberately here.
[Consider when the Joker dressed up as a nurse, and what Leli found out about Mikki's past.

The only thing that really stands out at me is CC. As a character, she's just plain grating. As much as the TF2 elements are a little bit of fun, I think including a distaff counterpart to Cave Johnson might've been a bit too far. Cave is the occasional merriment to break the monotony of a silent protagonist every now and then while you're wracking your brains trying to figure out the next puzzle, and just feels out of place. She may be a step too far....

[Hmmm.
[Could be a bit much.
[Fortunately, she is a relatively minor character.
[And I did intend for her to be an irritation, though to Hiram, not so much the reader.

[But I did want to show that the driving people behind all these organizations are each uniquely insane.

[Thanks for the comments.

[frice2000]

gangly alien draped

Alien? Never really heard them referred to with that term before.

"We have close air support and Azazel assets but with the Angel this close to the ground- We're reading an energy spike!" Captain Ayanami's voice suddenly shouted.

Flow could be better. Fight in general could use some more description. It's ok but not really up to the fight scene standards you established previously in this story.

was released as ionizing gamma radiation and x-rays and less the pressure shockwave the Russians preferred to use.

Lots of 'ands' and not very clear overall.

comet-like Angel – stubby,

stubby is just kind of hanging

slowness it... still dropped

Odd ellipses use.

A familiar lunged at her,

Could probably do with describing the beasties again I barely remembered them.

Flaps and rudders twisted as the

Fight scene is technically ok here, but I'm not getting any human drama. It's perhaps too clinical needs some more emotion.

"Waahh, uwaaaahhh! Ahhh!" Shinju screamed as her hands... her

Needs to be stronger. It's a pretty breaking scene for Shinji so alternatively showing how Shinju deals with this differently and deals with the pain and pushes it down would be better. Her grimacing in pain and forcing herself to push on even though she feels immense pain would seemingly fit her character more. So either you've understated this or overstated it. Her later laughing crazily is good but here...I don't know just feels wrong.

Her arms limply held at her sides, Shinju watched as the

I can't remember if they introduced the permanent organ thing to replace the umbilicals in your story yet...If they haven't this isn't a problem with this amount of damage and such? Would think they would've gotten cut.

to clocks you

to clock you

Softly illumination revealed the modified plug.

Softly illuminating the modified plug.

aside as her waste tubes were retracted and then slotted her crotch plate black into place

Think we can do without that really, a bit too disturbing for me.

"Sorry guys... this... this we've got to tell you.

this is urgent. Sounds better maybe?

"Really, this isn't good,"

Wouldn't, 'this can't be good' fit in better?

on the giant screen

on some giant screen

insane, impractical, and expensive for the Cold War's Strategic Defensive Initiative

Insane? I'll agree with the other two but insane no. Also with all the radiation they've been releasing wouldn't the city be uninhabitable by now? There is a reason large nukes aren't used quite so often.

"You're... feeling inadequate?" Hikari blinked. "You drove a forty meter tall war machine armed

THEY ARE KIDS. You keep doing this. They're kids, they shouldn't be having this deep a conversation. Having them talking and not being able to understand their part in the bigger picture works well. This? This just feels weird. And then this flows into innocent humor? The transition is just so weird. This works when you're writing monsters or non-humans that isn't the case here.

research institutions, museums

, and museums

"Yes, the refugee crisis is especially acute in the Channel area, with London, Brussels, and Paris so close. Of course Copenhagen and Berlin make their own pair.

Little kid. Really she understands all that?

on my one of my

delete first my

"You don't get it do you? You've got a twisted little clone family and the monstrous abomination that was raised by –well- you is the normal one. Even I can see that, and I was raised by a woman that abandoned me for a computerized copies of herself."

Needs work.

Overall this was ok but it's missing soul. It was a lot tighter then the previous chapter which was good, but there really wasn't much for the characters here. There development is kind of flat. I'd suggest something like an inclusion of them seeing footage of the destruction and reacting, or just some emotional outburst from your highly changed characters and give your readers something to reconnect with. Other then that have to say I did skip over the weapon development conversation just couldn't make myself read that bit. All in all this was ok but really could use with some more impact. Structurally this is technically your most solid story. Very solid beginning middle and end structure appears to be showing up, but character development wise this really needs more.

[Sunshine Temple]

More comments and the corrections tomorrow after work. It's a bit close to my bed time.

For the Pilots, I was planning to have Kiko have an... event due to this and the other pressures being put on her in the next chapter. But you are correct and I can do it in this one.

There is a big fracture between how she will take to the Little Impact versus the other Pilots.
The Ayanami are naturally cold and introverted (natural is the wrong word here but you get my drift).
Misako is monomaniacal on destroying the angels. Shinju is quite introverted and under a lot of peer pressure from the other two. And Rei is Rei; she honestly doesn't care.

Toji is a bit more brash. And he's been seeing the Angels attack Tokyo 3 longer than Asuka/Kiko.
I can also see him saying something like this: "Oh, it's a fun adventure to become the first Ace when it's Japanese cities getting nuked, but as soon as your hometown gets hit, then, only then it's a frikin' tragedy?"

There's also cultural differences in how grief is handled.

That being said, I plan to have Kiko acutally get more upset and have a real outburst. Likely when Kiko mentions her degree from Berlin. And she say her piece on it. (part of her will want to just sit down and be "good" especially if Misako chastises her). Then probably leave to her apartment and look at her room and what has been done to her life.

May have her talk with some of the Azazel soldiers that are helping replace glass paneling that broke. Can use that to detail more on the radiation situation.

That I'm explaining this is an admission of failure on my part.

However, I do plan to revise that scene to get these points across and have a conflict involving Kiko.

[frice2000]

Then probably leave to her apartment and look at her room and what has been done to her life.

You could believably have her consider suicide. Her mother was well...And honestly if she's feeling no control, has few connections, little emotional support, and continued horrible experiences all of which could believably lead to this contemplation. If her behavioral modifications even allow such thought would be interesting, much less if you decide to have her give into the temptation only to fail at it.

[Sunshine Temple]

You could believably have her consider suicide. Her mother was well...And honestly if she's feeling no control, has few connections, little emotional support, and continued horrible experiences all of which could believably lead to this contemplation. If her behavioral modifications even allow such thought would be interesting, much less if you decide to have her give into the temptation only to fail at it.

Speaking of her mother, consider where Unit 02's soul came from. And what Kiko is now.

The "I cannot self-terminate" joke does write itself. And she has been modified to where she doesn't get nightmares (or at least does not remember or ever recall them). Which is some bad stuff to her too.

I can see Misako and Katrina checking up on her, and they are worried about Kiko having such thoughts, and when they point out those concerns Kiko sort of blanks out. And leave it a bit vague as to how much is Kiko's ego keeping her from quitting and how much is her conditioning. Which can have Misako have some introspection on what she is.

[frice2000]

The "I cannot self-terminate" joke does write itself

Actually that's really sad, I wouldn't make a joke from it. If she desperately wants to die and just can't which she realizes is because of programming...Then maybe in the future she TRIES to get herself injured or killed in combat. Would be very difficult to manage her programming then what with her having to be a fighter and taking risks is a part of that. Shinju might see some parallels in that too, maybe hearken back to her own old male perspective/identity and how that too has been subverted and feel desperate about it in the same way after seeing it from Kiko here. Getting emotional about Kiko getting emotional would be a rather nice break down for her as well and not something too out of place. Although she does have a far better support structure so that's different and leads to a possibly healthier individual still it could make some nice ripples.

Honestly, with this possible breakdown from her, her quite rapidly losing all that remains of her humanity due to increasing desperate amounts of programming in the hopes of mental stabilization would actually be a rather dark but very intriguing plot element. That could be a very nice plot point in making Shinju and possibly Rei reconsider their worldview. Since for all intents and purposes they are still at least more human and can think their own thoughts then she can. Depending on how far that goes maybe a defection to the Angels side? That's probably too far, but still.

[Sunshine Temple]

Good point on the limits of battlefield utility.

For example Rei has tried to kill herself twice while piloting (and succeded once).

There's also that Kiko's programing is more operand conditioning based than explicit code. To reduce the risk of patching and repatching.

And some related thoughts from Pale.

<Pale_Wolf> Mm, I doubt Kikosuka would consider suicide for more than a split-second.
<Pale_Wolf> Even if she's inclined to it, given what her mom did, she'd be more terrified of suicide than anything else.
<Pale_Wolf> 'course, that doesn't necessarily mean she's not going to be death seekery in combat. She could resolve 'fuck you mom, I'm gonna push through and live', or she might just not self terminate and let others terminate. Or she could just unconsciously take less care (even less than normal, which is sad).
<Pale_Wolf> Of course, the most badass route is the 'fuck you all, I'm gonna take every risk out there and come out on top', but that depends on where you wanna go with her


I'm going to have to think how Kiko will take in all this. Especially since I'm speeding up my plans for her.

[frice2000]

Well if you want to apply real world psychiatric findings children whose parents committed suicide are far more likely to commit suicide in turn according to a few different studies. Yes, her mothers suicide obviously scarred her but the, 'Well she of course wouldn't do it.' is what connections does she have that make it unlikely. In canon you had her think she was the best, but according to tests and combat situations now, not the case. Self-worth lowered. She's also no longer human, has no really close friends, constantly getting ribbed by her teammates, etc. This doesn't make a well adjusted happy person. Yes, she has the whole get revenge thing to hang her hat on...but still I don't think she'd find consideration of it that horrific.