[NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Aug 29, 2011 9:59 pm

Dang.

Well, I got the other corrections in, but didn't have time to write out Kiko's outburst.

Nuts, normally I can get to revisions quicker, but had some work this evening.

As for Kiko's self worth, she does have the best sync rate. She gets 100%. A bad day for her is 98 or so.

And combat wise she is close to Shinju. Granted, close still means behind, and she does have her rivalry and other... feelings with "Princess". See the Tea Party they had.

Still, Kiko has found her change has made her a better and more skilled pilot. (Drat guess I didn't convey that sufficiently).
Which she has clung to in order to bear what has been done to her (I definitely tried to convey that)>

Speaking of being ribbed on by her teammates and not having any close friends. Here's something to chew on... Toji is arguably Kiko's closest friend. Unlike Hikari, Toji has some understanding of what it's like to be a Pilot. And Kiko is not jealous of Toji (unlike Rei or Shinju). There's also that Toji is not aloof (like Rei) and not creepy (like Shinju).

Yeah.

Another big thing is that Toji is starting to feel that he's under Damocles. To be fair, every other pilots has died: Kiko, Shinju, Rei (okay that was Naoko but still). Now he doesn't know about those two, but both Kiko and Toji are unnerved by the clones.

That's part of why Toji tends to confide more in Kiko, as she seems more "human" to him.

Hmm... I should emphasize that part of their relationship more.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Cheb » Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:17 pm

Had to google what a "corgi" is. :roll:

As with all your fics, there's a bunch of original characters and too little descriptive references. If I read it in one go, that would be less of a problem. But, the time that passes between chapters, the distractions, the other series one watches...
In short, it's confusing (the first scene with them is especially so) Who's Iry? Who's Leli? What do they look like? You can't hammer it enough adding and adding descriptive references like "the dark skinned angel" instead of names.
Let's assume Kiko is an original character (she is, in some sense). You did a lot of telling what she is, how she looks and how she came to be, made by modding Asuka. That is enough, so you only have to say "Kiko" or "Misako" and the forgetful reader, instantly sees them in their mind's eye (Misako because she's a barely modified Misato, a well knowm NGE character). The angels... There wasn't enough of them to just start skipping the descriptions. A character has to have a lot of screen time to let readers know him/her on a name basis. I compare how the characters and their stories are built. Nami, Zoro of One Piece -- they had dozens episodes focused on them, just to establish them. Ukyou had a whole volume of manga to just estabilish her. The same is true for your main characters.
But you always have a ton of secondary characters and you always forget that your readers can't see with your mind's eye. So write a lot of descriptive hooks. Write like your readers are absent-minded victims of sclerosis with a terminally short attention span. That would really improve readability of your stories :)

In short, "Story good, reader memory small. Confused now." :roll:
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Aug 30, 2011 7:43 pm

Cheb. This is acutally very telling as ch10 was posted only 18 days ago.

But shows just how little "last" there is.

That's also the real reason that Shinju and Misako are named the way they are. It gives a very good "tell" and since I don't have a Shinji or a Misato in the story there's no confusing them.

So building in more physical descriptions of the Angels help set them in? But when I use a reference like "the dark skinned angel" keep their name? I can add more clothing and hair descriptions too.

I guess I'm asking adding in more physical descriptions would be sufficient or if more were needed?

I did try to keep the number "main Angels" limited. As there's Mikki, Iry, Leli, and Armi. I think personality wise they should be different enough.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby frice2000 » Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:20 pm

I'd suggest you go by distinctive hair colors. Very minor and easy to conceal ID point. Just use the rainbow that anime/manga colorization allows to be plausible.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:26 pm

frice2000 wrote:I'd suggest you go by distinctive hair colors. Very minor and easy to conceal ID point. Just use the rainbow that anime/manga colorization allows to be plausible.


Cool. Already have that. Can concentrate on that.

Mikki is auburn. Leli is white-haired. Iry strawberry blonde. Armi golden blonde. And Saha had green hair.

I've worked in more angel descriptions.

Kiko's scene is proving difficult and once again the evening is slipping by. Rather frustrating.

Edit: Okay got some progress on the scene.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Wed Aug 31, 2011 10:07 pm

Update 2: Still working on the Kiko scene.

Making good progress now, but is proving longer than I expected.

Update 3: Dang. I'm aiming to have the revised chapter by the weekend. Saturday is the plan. Sorry for the delay.
Update 3a: Did get some writing in, but the scene is still incomplete.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby frice2000 » Sun Sep 04, 2011 1:25 am

Saturday has passed! Sunny is late! No <INSERT IGNORE treat here> for him. Guess it's really going to be some long and powerful additions.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:12 am

Have family visiting.

And the scene has proved far long than I thought.

I have it almost written out. I'll need to give it some more editing (maybe trim it down some).

Has been proving a bit strange.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Pale Wolf » Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:33 pm

He was also taking some time to preread my chapter release (shameless plug). :P
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:14 pm

A heads up.

I'll be traveling in a couple days and will be back on Sunday.

That being said I should have net access but may be too busy to write much.

The scene is mostly tied in but needs more editing.

Will keep you posted. Sorry for the delay.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:54 pm

Good news. Got the added scene finally written.

It's with prereaders now. After that I'll upload the revised chapter.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:16 pm

And posted!

Revised chapter is up. New scene added in.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby frice2000 » Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:09 pm

"Yes, the refugee crisis is especially acute in the Channel area, with London, Brussels, and Paris so close. Of course Copenhagen and Berlin make their own pair. Then there's the organizational problems, though in the short term military distribution systems are working. Most competent C&C systems are built to withstand decapitation strikes."

"You're Princess' little war-okatu friend aren't you?" Kiko sighed and gave a little smile

This still feels overly inappropriate and insensitive especially considering they know that she's just lost a ton of people she possibly cared about...It rubs me wrong. And then with the light hearted humor near it, you undercut your own drama. The other stuff in it is a bit better but the scene in general still feels too adult. Not children forced into maturity adult either, just adult with adult sounding voices. Needs more melancholy and depression. How many millions just died? Writing a scene where they are watching the news or see such in the briefing with cities burning, people dead in the streets in massive numbers, Asuka seeing the blasted out hole of somewhere she lived, children crying over their dead parents bodies, immolated and heavily burned people, buildings toppling, anarchy and chaos...All of that makes the previous massive death scale mean something to your audience. Right now, I don't feel any emotional investment in all the deaths the angels caused because you haven't shown us enough of the devastation. You moved through that too quickly. I get you're trying to be subtle, and that'd work if we had a scene where we actually get to 'see' all the deaths and devastation in vivid detail. Little dots on a map not really satisfactory. You do this later with Asuka by herself to an extent. But can't help but feel it'd work better with the whole cast involved.

Unbuckling her gun belt and unhooking her phone Kiko looked around her room, her regeneration tube dominating. The open door was inviting, the soft back and sides tempting. Giving a sigh, she stepped to her dresser. Ammunition magazines were piled on one side, a plastic tool box containing replacement parts and a cleaning kit was on the other.

Nothing feminine at least in the bedroom or representing who she used to be? Could do something with that lack too.

suspected that the heels were Ritsuko's idea

That was her best method for...Ok...

Kiko's choker flashed yellow and for a moment red spots began to form. After a second, Kiko blinked. Confused,

Little understated in my opinion. It works, but still understated.

"You shouldn't talk about the Commander that way," Kiko automatically said.

Seems like a bit much a bit too quickly. It's intriguing but that's a lot of overt control one right after another. Also would Insana really install a loyalty protocol like that? Would imagine he'd have a backdoor around it.

I blame my sister.

This gives me a cold sweat when I read it because you make this kind of think plausible. Your fanfiction is really, really disturbing at points. I'll now try to obliterate that from my memory.

"Makeup?"

:roll:

Because I'm part of the sinister robot conspiracy plotting to overthrow you meat-bags.

Scene overall is nice, but the tone of it is seesawing so quickly it's getting me a little queasy.

Nice additions overall. Perhaps the Asuka scene went a little long and could've used some more development for her since I came out of it mostly even more perplexed regarding her. Still though was a nice needed addition.
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Re: [NGE] And if That Don't Work ch11

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:40 pm

My aim with showing Asuka/Kiko being the only pilots engaged with the visceral view is that, for now, she is. Rei is Rei, and Shinju is blocking out stuff by trying to be Rei.

Toji's a bit more complicated as he sees the damage to the rest of the world, but also views that Tokyo3, his city had been dealing with the brunt of it.

But that I have to explain that shows a weakness on my part writing it.

Yes, there's nothing feminine in that room nor anything showing who she used to be. I will note that the living room by contrast had mementos of Asuka's past, and is decorated far differently.

As for the lack of feminine accessories, that's why I thought makeup would be appropriate. Nerv tried to give Kiko a utilitarian setup, and any feminine touches she had (heels, lips, face), Kiko has no control over. Now she has more control, and she has something that shows she's more than a thing, and to enhance her beauty.

It seemed to fit.

Like how Kiko thinks about her feet.

Glad about Kiko' "understated moment" I wanted it to flash that way.

Her statement about Gendo is a bit much if it were purely conditioning. As Toji assumes there is paranoia at work too. I could play up that Kiko's saying that for multiple reasons.

And yes, there are backdoors. That's common. For example, Ritsuko built backdoors into the magi, and tried to take out the GeoFront in the anime. Didn't work out too well that time though.

Also I'll take it as a compliment that the end of this bit:

"She didn't start out that way. When she moved here she was just shy. It took time for her to become an adorable knife nut. I blame my sister." Toji offhandedly added before sipping his water.


Got such a reaction from you. It is scary the power friendship, love, and support can have.
You take someone alone with no connections and you give them structure, you give them a place, you give them successes and duties. You built them up and correct them as they go.

There are many, many endeavors in human society that follow that pattern. And the potential for abuse...

I'm a bit torn. On the one hand I do want the reader to be a unnerved and perplexed by Kiko (partially to extend her own feelings).

Especially as this is what happens when someone actually bothers to see beyond the mask Kiko puts up and talk to the real girl behind the gynoid.

On the other hand the lack of closure could grate and having the tone jump could just be annoying.

But... I did aim to do a little character piece on Kiko and have it be disturbing. So I got that.

Thanks for commenting.
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