The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

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The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby gsteemso » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:32 pm

Old chapters may be found at http://gsteemso.freehostia.com/.

Well, it’s been a year since I actually published anything new, but I have been working at it every now and again. In addition to the few scraps I added to Chapter Three (see this thread), here are the first four scenes to Chapter Four (will be Five on ffnet due to the presence of the prologue):

The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed

A Naruto / Ranma ½ crossover
© 2009–11 by gsteemso

Chapter Four

Not my characters. Naruto belongs to Kishimoto Masashi, a man who appears to really hate his own characters, and Ranma ½ belongs to Takahashi Rumiko.

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The Uzumaki apartment, Konoha:

You could tell this was a preteen boy’s bedroom. The floor was a bit of a mess; bits of random clothing lay strewn all over it. The beat-up old cabinet radio standing in one corner had something decidedly out of place folded neatly on its top, though: a set of young girl’s knickers and a small bra, all concealed modestly under their owner’s jacket. Said owner, a former Hyūga named Hinata, was just waking up from a lovely refreshing sleep, curled blissfully around the extended hand of her longtime crush. Uzumaki Naruto himself, of course, was not nearly so relaxed; he’d finally managed to fall uneasily asleep some time around 3 AM, and even in his sleep bore a faint imprint of horror on his features. A twelve-year-old boy is not generally cut out by nature to cope well with his best friend inexplicably deciding he had asked her to marry him, and once the misunderstanding has stood for a time, how do you then disappoint her by denying the only good thing that’s happened to her all week?

Hinata opened her eyes and was almost overwhelmed with contentment that the first thing she got to see would be her wonderful fiancé’s sleeping face. Unable to place the strange expression he bore, she cocked her head quizzically to one side. After some thought, she decided he must be fiercely protecting her even in his sleep. Her Naru-chan was certainly a far better catch than that surly Uchiha all the other girls were sweet on!

Sighing happily, she carefully got up without disturbing her slumbering husband-to-be — not a difficult feat, as he had considerately left her as much space as the small bed allowed — and set about getting ready for the day. The first thing she did was head for the tiny bathroom to splash herself into cursed form, with a nervous glance out the open curtains on the bedroom window. Now that she understood how the curse worked, she was certain that keeping it hidden would be important. Let’s see, stay here with Naru-chan and live as I please, or go back to my so-called family, who threw me out like week-old bathwater and want to brand me with the Caged Bird seal? Gosh, what a difficult choice!

Her mind made up, she went back to grab yesterday’s clothes out of the bedroom — sparing a sappy smile for the now faintly snoring Naruto, who looked much more relaxed by this point; she assumed it must be because he no longer needed to guard her in his sleep — and set about washing them in the kitchen sink. Dressing in the bathroom for privacy, she began a mental list of what she needed to get done today. Probably the most important would be finding a way to graduate the Academy without using chakra. She knew from Rock Lī’s example that there was at least one, she just needed to find out what it was. Second would be finding some way to get more clothes; she couldn’t keep wearing a boy’s, even if the boy was her Naru-chan.

Her mind still whirling with questions that she needed answers to, she opened a kitchen cabinet at random, intent on scraping together some sort of breakfast for the two of them—

The cupboard was completely empty except for a mousetrap and a roach motel.

Blinking, she tried the next one over. It was almost the same, but with a small, dented cooking pot sitting forlornly in the middle instead of the pest-catching implements. At least it had a lid. The cupboard after that was stuffed to the brim with packets of instant ramen, and the last contained two chipped, mismatched drinking glasses and a single cracked bowl. Her eye now twitching, she turned uneasily to the hulking, neolithic refrigerator. She reached out nervously to grasp the handle, and—

“GAH! Don’t do it Hina-chan!” Suddenly, there was a hand stopping the fridge from opening.

Almost jumping out of her skin at the sudden noise, Hinata stared goggle-eyed over her shoulder.

Naruto, dishevelled and gasping like he’d just run a marathon, gave her a weak smile and carefully removed her hand from the handle. “I think there’s something wrong with the grapes that guy sold me… if we open that, it’ll take almost an hour for the smell to go away.” He winced, hoping she wasn’t going to be too upset.

Hinata’s blissful morning mood shrivelled and died. Apparently her new life wasn’t going to be anywhere near as totally perfect as she’d imagined. Oh well, Naru-chan was still a boy, even if he was now her knight-in-shining-armour fiancé. She probably should have expected something like this. Pasting a weak smile of her own on her face, she asked, “So then… More ramen?”

Naruto grinned with relief. “Sure thing! I’ll start the water!” He moved to fetch the lonely cookpot, but even as he ran hot water into it, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d said something very, very wrong. His nerves unaccountably fraying, he surreptitiously peeked out the corner of his eye at Hinata. She was standing by the kitchen table, looking at the houseplants on their shelf behind him, with a totally blank expression. Naruto had the oddest sense that he was in steadily deepening trouble, though he had no idea why he would be or why he would feel that way.

Taking a stab in the dark, he nervously mentioned, “A-after breakfast we need to go see the Old Man, okay Hina-chan?”

She didn’t answer verbally, and he couldn’t quite muster the nerve to read her expression again.

“W-we need to ask him for a bigger… f-food allowance…” Naruto screwed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth, crossing the fingers on each hand even as the pot began to overflow in the sink.

“Ah, that’s a good idea, Naruto-kun!” The oppressive feeling in the room suddenly abated somewhat, though even Naruto couldn’t help but notice she had avoided the use of her now-customary endearment for him.

He shivered without really knowing why, and risked a peek back at her.

She was smiling innocently. “I think you can shut off the water now.”

Naruto sagged against the sink front and wordlessly complied. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

A faint woodland footpath, four hours’ hike north of Joketsuzoku, China:

Ranma, Ryoga, Mousse, and four other young Joketsuzoku warriors-in-training ghosted silently along the remote trail to the Tribe’s northernmost guardhouse. They were followed as quietly as possible by Mousse’s slightly older cousin Radish, a noncombatant brought along to do the cooking. Apart from rare visits for maintenance or training trips, the guardhouse was only ever used in times of unrest, so all eight youths were exercising their stealth skills as they approached, just in case someone had appropriated the place while it lay empty.

The warrior in the lead, Braid, held up a hand as they approached the last bend in the trail before it entered the little pocket valley behind the guardhouse. Everyone quietly came to rest behind her as she silently shimmied up a tree, bow and lethal-looking broadhead arrows ready to go at her back. After a tense few moments, she gave a quiet bird call — neither Ranma nor Ryoga recognized the species, but they understood it was today’s all-clear signal — and everyone relaxed. Braid indicated by means of hand signs that the next ranked warrior, Chutney, should lead the group up to the guardhouse while she, Braid, stayed out of sight with her bow… just in case. While this was only a training exercise, there was always some potential for trouble this far from settled areas, and no one wanted to go into the Book of Records as a martyr for such a trivial errand.

Half an hour later, the place had its concealed vent flaps open to air it out, Radish had the beginnings of lunch coming together over a carefully-kept-smokeless firepit, and the group was settling in for a refreshing few days of good, hard training.

* * *

Naruto bounced energetically through the entrance to the Hokage’s tower, Hinata following dignifiedly behind. She had never been here before, and was slightly taken aback that the administrators on the ground floor seemed to know her fiancé by sight.

“Aw, dammit kid, what are you doing here on a weekday? You know Hokage-sama will just send you to the academy. You should just save him the trouble and go there yourself.” The genin filing clerk who’d been closest to the door glared ineffectually over the counter at them.

Hinata wilted on the threshold, and shrank nervously into her jacket at the hostile reception. This wasn’t a promising start.

She was badly startled when Naruto, far from being put off by the man, simply ignored him and headed on up the stairwell!

“HEY! Dammit, don’t ignore me, you brat!”

Naruto’s left arm poked back around the corner and casually brandished a middle finger at the clerk. Hinata blanched. The apoplectic clerk stood up so quickly his chair went flying, and he stomped loudly around the end of the reception counter towards the stairwell and its occupant, who had just realized with alarm that he seemed to be missing a fiancée. What was she doing still standing in the front entrance?!

The anticipation of impending mayhem was abruptly derailed as a chain of small SPLUT noises heralded the triggering of a few well-placed glue traps, much to the unexpectedly halted angry man’s astonishment.

Naruto, staring in wide-eyed disbelief, jumped back downstairs into the foyer to get a better look. “Wow, sure wasn’t expecting that to happen!” Looking quickly around, he snagged the shocked Hinata’s hand and hauled her quickly up the stairs before anyone else could get in the way.

Forced back into the moment by this sudden reintroduction to non-flat terrain, Hinata asked numbly, “Who do you suppose put that trap there?”

“Oh, that was one of mine, but I haven’t planted any of that kind here since the last time they really pissed me off, and that was months ago. I can’t believe it’s taken them ’til now to set it off!”

Hinata somehow managed to not faceplant onto the stairs in front of her. She supposed dizzily that she really shouldn’t have been surprised.

They finally reached the level of the Hokage’s office and tumbled hastily through the door. Sarutobi, having investigated the familiar-sounding commotion downstairs, already knew who his vistors were were and had waved the assignment-desk chūnin back into her chair. “Naruto,” he said flatly. “Skipping class again?”

“No, no, this is IMPORTANT!” squawked Naruto, frantically waving his hands in negation. “I, um, well, Hinata-chan got kicked out yesterday and I sorta askedhertostaywithme, and we need a bigger ramen budget!” He suddenly froze, feeling a faint but unmistakeable chill, and hastily amended, “And other food to go with ramen, of course!” He risked a quick peek sidewise at his unintentional intended, and was relieved that this appeared to have been more or less the right thing to say.

Sarutobi had of course also noticed the brief flash of untrained killer intent, and was finding it a strain not to bust a gut laughing. Children these days! You could almost think they were dating, or something. Limiting himself to a grandfatherly smile, he asked, “And how are you settling in, young lady? It does save some paperwork that you already have a place to stay.”

Smiling brightly, Hinata answered, “More than a place to stay, Hokage-sama! Naru-chan has asked me to marry him and I said yes!” She didn’t notice the sudden hunted look her groom-to-be acquired at this pronouncement, though the adults of course did. The assignment-desk chūnin clapped a hand over her mouth as discreetly as possible, and quietly sagged in her chair, moisture visible in her squinting eyes. Hinata did notice that part, and smiled even more brightly at the thought that a respectable adult would still be moved to tears at her engagement, even after her precipitous loss of social status.

Sarutobi coughed discreetly to clear his throat, and observed, “Well, that’ll save you some money for furniture, then.”

“Whatcha mean?” asked Naruto, a bit puzzled at this seeming non sequitur.

“As an engaged couple you’ll only be needing the one bed, won’t you? After all, with no clans to look after you, it’d be best to start one of your own as soon as possible.”

Hinata and Naruto, respectively struck dumb with embarrassment and stunned rigid at the enormity of the concept, were utterly unable to answer him, and could only stare mutely at him with glassy eyes and a matched pair of thermonuclear blushes.

“Joking… I was joking… Oh, drat.” He sighed. “Have someone wake them up again and assign them a bigger stipend, would you Tenko? I have to get back to this funding schedule.”

“All right, sir, but just so you know, you owe the office betting pool forty ryō. You left him speechless for over twenty seconds and he didn’t pull any dumb stunts on his way out!”

“Heh! Mercenary. As it happens, I do believe I won that pool. While you’re downstairs, you may inform the others they can cough up by lunchtime or they owe me double.”

* * *

“Clerk Hairbrush, I was looking at last week’s meeting minutes in the Book of Records this morning, and when I turned it back to the current page I could not help but notice a certain, shall I say, flourish in the description of last night’s ceremony.”

Hairbrush turned from where she was harvesting blackberries from a hedge in the sun-baked fields, wondering what could have brought an Elder all the way out here. “Elder Tissue! Well, you know part of my job as village clerk is to dress things up a bit for posterity.”

“Understood, but… Well, whatever possessed you to record that boy with the rabbit curse as his companion’s ‘manly young lover?’ You know as well as the rest of us that her female status is a legal fiction permitted only by her Jusenkyo curse. She didn’t seem the least bit interested in him like that.”

“Oh, I suppose that’s true at present, but they’re just so CUTE together! I’m sure love will win out!” Hairbrush had little hearts in her eyes and a goofy smile.

Tissue looked exasperated. “You think everyone is ‘cute together,’ girl!” The Elder didn’t even want to contemplate the comment about love winning out. Even for a hundred-year-old grandmother, some cans of worms are too disturbing to approach casually.

“But they ARE!”

The Joketsuzoku had no concept of a “yaoi fangirl,” but that’s what Hairbrush was. She was also a hopeless romantic. Truly, a terrifying combination.

“What are you going to do if this causes trouble down the line for them — people who are now official allies of the tribe? Depending on circumstances, if they are still rooming together in a year’s time, we might be legally obligated to consider them engaged! If either is married by that point we could be forced to divorce them at spearpoint in order to protect the recorded relationship!”

“But, but… well, how likely is that? They may be of age here, but by Japanese standards they’re just kids, not old enough to marry! I suppose that when they come back from their training trip in a few weeks, we can mention it to them. If it’s really that important to them, we can always change it.”

“True enough, but honestly, a responsible mother like yourself really ought to know better. Why, when I was your age…” The conversation moved on as the two women headed back to the village, Hairbrush loaded down with baskets of berries.

On the other side of the hedge, Saotome Genma’s two middle-aged guards were no longer paying attention to what they’d overheard. They looked at each other over Genma’s broad back and, unable to hold it in any longer, burst out laughing. “That ditz! Can you believe it?” the first one said, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. “I’d hate to be her when those boys get back to the village.”

“No kidding! They seemed pretty easygoing, but no silly Outsider boy is going to let something like that slide. You know how fragile their little egos are.” The other guard absently shifted her weight to keep Genma’s hands in view as he pulled rocks out of the field’s soil between them.

Genma couldn’t help himself. “What’s the joke, ladies?” he asked, curiously but politely, in Japanese.

The first guard saw no harm in indulging in a little gossip as long as the prisoner kept working. “Hairbrush job is write records, yes? Well, Elder say she write tribe new allies are lovers! Silly, no?” she giggled.

Genma’s eyes widened comically. It took all his willpower to keep working as though nothing were wrong. He had to escape, tonight! His boy needed him! What father could sit idly by while some randy teenage boy took advantage of his innocent son’s feminine charms?

He blinked. That sounded so wrong. Doesn’t make it less true, though, he considered, losing himself in desperate plans for escape.

The guards were a bit puzzled by his lack of response. After a moment, they shrugged and chalked it up to the language barrier being thicker than they’d thought.

* * *

chapter incomplete

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Latest revision as of Tues. 2011/08/23

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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Spokavriel » Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:05 am

Like I commented on over in the other thread with the added scenes. I really think that there should be some meeting of the minds to discuss things now that both know the curse. Even in retrospect. Considering you have a great start to this picking up from the end of the last I'd say taking a moment either while changing back to cursed form or hunting through the kitchen to reflect on any possible observations she shared with Ranma while sleeping.

I just feel that there should be something.

I really like Sarutobi's joke and this has a good tone over all. Also glad you made it clear this isn't the whole chapter it doesn't move the plot along enough yet.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Dumbledork » Wed Aug 24, 2011 7:13 am

lol. Behold the scariness of a yaoi fangirl *shudder*. Those silly animals really can be found anywhere.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby gsteemso » Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:58 pm

Spokavriel wrote:Like I commented on over in the other thread with the added scenes. I really think that there should be some meeting of the minds to discuss things now that both know the curse. Even in retrospect. Considering you have a great start to this picking up from the end of the last I'd say taking a moment either while changing back to cursed form or hunting through the kitchen to reflect on any possible observations she shared with Ranma while sleeping.


Um, I refer you to the last three scenes of the published version of Chapter Three. As can plainly be seen, the interaction you are requesting is already present. Or are you saying that Hinata should explicitly reflect on her newfound understanding of the curse? I tend to avoid scenes like that if I can, because they usually contain a lot of redundant information which would annoy the reader. We are intelligent enough to interpolate the boring parts, I think. There are some otherwise excellent fanfic authors who have an exasperating tendency to repeat themselves for long passages every chapter or three, as though they are having trouble remembering their own plot and assume the reader suffers from the same issue. The resultant regurgitation of stuff that’s already been covered usually at least doubles the length of the story, and utterly destroys any hope of snappy pacing.

I really like Sarutobi's joke and this has a good tone over all. Also glad you made it clear this isn't the whole chapter it doesn't move the plot along enough yet.


Yeah, this 3000-word chunk is actually only the opening scenes of the chapter. I suspect I'll have to prune like mad when I get the whole thing written, in order to avoid having the pacing drag like an anæmic decathlete who forgot to eat breakfast… as unfortunately happened with Ch. 3.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Spokavriel » Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:39 pm

I hadn't seen these parts before... But the main reason I felt it was needed is because you make it clear she's making the decision on weather or not to go back to her clan. And the conversation with Ranma and just how the Curse works has some effect on that.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby borgrabbit » Sat Aug 27, 2011 4:07 pm

Glad to see you putting words into this story, again. I am looking forward to seeing Ranma apply some of Hinata's techniques, though, would they be as effective against ki using martial artists?
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Dumbledork » Sat Aug 27, 2011 4:58 pm

It would be nice if Ranma could use the ninja techniques using ki instead of chakra.

After all, he knows at least the tree walking exercise and the substitution technique in canon.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Aug 27, 2011 5:17 pm

I could see that in the future, but honestly, considering Ranma's fondness for Techniques can you really see him not wanting to learn it the right/original way in addition to devising his own interpretations that will work in his birth form?

Edit: Another reason to expect it. Ranma's ability to adapt techniques and learn them easily might end up being Hinata's only way to graduate the academy. Since she likely has Ki and not Chakrah in her cursed form.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:49 am

Spokavriel wrote: I could see that in the future, but honestly, considering Ranma's fondness for Techniques can you really see him not wanting to learn it the right/original way in addition to devising his own interpretations that will work in his birth form?

Edit: Another reason to expect it. Ranma's ability to adapt techniques and learn them easily might end up being Hinata's only way to graduate the academy. Since she likely has Ki and not Chakrah in her cursed form.


Unfortunately, that won't happen. Gsteemso has said right from the start that Ranma won't have any chakra.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby gsteemso » Sun Aug 28, 2011 11:21 am

Dumbledork wrote:Unfortunately, that won't happen. Gsteemso has said right from the start that Ranma won't have any chakra.


While this is 100% true in Ranma’s normal form, I see no reason his cursed form wouldn’t have just enough for a very weak relation of the White Eyes… still not enough for actual ninja techniques, but being able to see chi will be a big help to his learning pressure point lore… :¬)
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby frice2000 » Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:53 am

he’d finally managed to fall uneasily asleep some time around 3 AM

I'd just have him kept up all night really would be more humorous.

she was certain that keeping it hidden would be important.

Stress how easy it will be to keep it secret possibly? Sets up the failure of doing so quite nicely.

A faint woodland footpath

The problem I've had throughout this story is how loosely everything is connected. It's a bit of a problem.

Hairbrush had little hearts in her eyes and a goofy smile.

Cute. Not sure how well this fits with the rest of the narrative but undeniably cute.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby gsteemso » Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:56 pm

frice2000 wrote:I'd just have him kept up all night really would be more humorous.


While that’s true, I’m trying for a slightly more realistic tone. (Yes, I said that with a straight face while writing a story featuring dousing-based transformative curses and impossible ninja techniques. I know. I plead authorial prerogative.) While someone who’s 12 can stay up all night quite easily, chances are they’ll crash like the Hindenburg come dawn, which would not serve my purposes. It’s (unnecessarily, for this chapter) hard to write humour scenes starring an unconscious person.

Stress how easy it will be to keep it secret possibly? Sets up the failure of doing so quite nicely.


I hadn’t considered that. I had actually intended that they successfully keep the secret for a few months, at least until the kids’ Academy graduation.

The problem I've had throughout this story is how loosely everything is connected. It's a bit of a problem.


Hmm? Could you elucidate, please? I’ve made a deliberate stylistic choice to skip boring filler where it serves little to no purpose, and the scene where someone proposes a training trip and the boys arrange to be part of it would IMO be very bland to read. I know it’d definitely be dull as dishwater to write. What specifically irks you about the story structure, and how could I have written it differently to hang together better?

Very interested in this feedback I’m getting,
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby Spokavriel » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:04 pm

Wait you're leaving out the Training with the Amazons? The entire first week or month (More exposure with the community less time needed) of joining a community usually has allot of highlights that shouldn't be skipped or simply flashed back to as needed. It defines the dynamic between your characters that are important to the plot and the environment they are living in. Just like in Ranma 1/2 they still showed you Ranma's reactions In Class for a reason.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby gsteemso » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:24 pm

Spokavriel wrote: Wait you're leaving out the Training with the Amazons? The entire first week or month (More exposure with the community less time needed) of joining a community usually has allot of highlights that shouldn't be skipped or simply flashed back to as needed. It defines the dynamic between your characters that are important to the plot and the environment they are living in. Just like in Ranma 1/2 they still showed you Ranma's reactions In Class for a reason.


Eh? No! I’m skipping the logistical dullness where they ARRANGE the training. Ranma’s and Ryoga’s contribution there would basically be, “We want to come too! That’s OK? Great! When do we leave?” See? Dull.
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Re: The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed: Ch. 4\5 start

Postby frice2000 » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:48 pm

Hmm? Could you elucidate, please?

How the Naruto and Ranma sections combine is where I have the difficulty. Both stories could really stand alone seemingly, and the changes made to their own characters feel for the most part shallow. Hinata has obviously changed physically drastically, but is the mental change really that prominent? Same for Ranma but with less physical and more mental changes. Just not sure that the changes have really been enough thus far, and for the most part it seems that they really could've operated on their own. More coming of the joint connection would be really welcome.
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