A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

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A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dumbledork » Sat Aug 20, 2011 5:09 pm

Chapter 1 can be found here

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5006055/1/A ... ibly_wrong

Chapter 2


What has gone before:


Ranma tried to call for takeout from the Ucchan’s but reached the Goddess Relief Office instead. Very soon a woman claiming to be a goddess appeared in front of him. She told him that she had come to grant him a wish. Ranma, who doesn’t trust in magic after having been screwed over so often by it, refused. Unfortunately that was not enough and after muttering some poorly chosen words, which weren’t even formulated as a wish, Belldandy’s goddess marks activated and the wish was granted, much to the Norn’s shock. Confused and especially dismayed by this Belldandy left for Asgard to find out what went wrong.



Tears threatened to leave Belldandy’s eyes as she left the Tendo home in a hurry. A situation like this one had never occurred before as far as she knew and she was at a loss as how to resolve the mess she’d inadvertently made. Feeling responsible for the situation she vowed to get to the bottom of this fiasco and find a way to make it up to the unfortunate boy who already had enough on his plate without adding to it. If she had known about the curse and how the boy felt about it she’d probably have handled the situation differently.


She realized that she’d become complacent in her job. When she started out she took the time to read the files of the people she was supposed to help, but now she often skipped that step. She really had no excuse for being unprepared and an innocent soul had now to pay for her mistake. The first thing she would do once she was back in her office was to thoroughly study Ranma’s file and make it up to the poor boy.


The first thing the Norn noticed when she stepped out of the mirror inside the Goddess Relief Office was the chaos reigning all around her. Gods and Goddesses were hurrying along in a panic and didn’t take notice of her at all.


She grabbed one of the panicking goddesses by her arm. “What happened? Are we under attack?”


“BUGS!” She hysterically shouted. “An army of them; running amuck and causing some serious damage. We have to stop them or all will be lost.”


The Norn let the hysteric goddess go and joined the hunt for the nasty parasites which in her opinion were the probable cause for the earlier mishap.


Belldandy was not a system debugger, but if the problem was really as bad as the other goddess had implied she needed to do her part. She grabbed a debugging mallet and joined the others in their hunt. She found her little sister not far away playing Whac-A-Mole with a group of the eight-legged, rabbit-like creatures and obviously having fun doing it. As Skuld seemed to have everything in hand on her side Belldandy joined a god and a goddess who had a harder time dealing with their group of bugs.


About 30 minutes later the invasion had been successfully dealt with and our exhausted heroes could finally rest and recover, except for Belldandy who was immersed in the martial artist’s file. She had gotten a very short summary of the highlights when she had called earlier, but she needed to know more. She’d been around for a long time, but some of the information was hard to swallow even for her, but she knew that the files contained only the truth. She’d never seen anyone with so much bad luck and being the compassionate person she was she couldn’t help but feel sorry for the unfortunate boy. If there was anyone who deserved some happiness in his life it was him. Oh, she knew he was no saint and that he could be an obnoxious, insensitive jerk at times, but he was a good person at heart who’d unfortunately been raised by a moron, and even if he was responsible for some of his problems most of them were not his fault.


Ranma’s life story was so fascinating that she didn’t notice her sister join her.


“Hey, big sis.”


Belldandy looked up and when she saw her sister’s good mood she couldn’t hide a smile herself even if she really didn’t feel like it.


“That was a good workout just now. I must have squashed at least a hundred of them.


“Good job,” the Goddess of the Present praised her younger sister. “I see that your skills are still as good as always. I only got about 20.”


“Heh! Of course. Did you expect anything less?” The younger girl boasted until her curiosity got the better of her. “What are you reading? It must be very interesting since you only answered after my third call.”


The brunette grimaced. She really didn’t want to burden her sister with her problems, but she knew that once the younger Norn’s curiosity was aroused there was no stopping her in getting to the bottom of it.


“This is the file of Ranma Saotome, a mortal who has been granted a wish. Unfortunately I didn’t read the file and as a result I made a mistake which was made worse by the bugs in the system.”


“What happened?”


I was sitting in my office when I got a call. I answered and immediately teleported to the girl’s location. I told her about the wish, but before I could finish my explanation she’d already refused. I tried to get her to change her mind, but unfortunately I didn’t know the cute redhead was actually a boy inflicted by a curse which turns him into a girl. Suffice it to say my suggestions as to what SHE could use the wish for were not really well received. My mission was made harder by the fact that additionally to his unwanted curse he has had some very bad experiences with magical artifacts, some of which were cursed and should have never ended up in a mortal’s hands. I told him that a divine wish was different and that there were no strings attached.


Unfortunately this got him to rant and it was during this that my goddess marks activated and his wish was granted. The problem is his statement wasn’t worded as a wish. I immediately came back and when I saw the chaos I immediately realized what had gone wrong; the bugs must have caused an error in the system, but I have my part of responsibility in this fiasco too. If I had been better prepared and taken an interest in the person I was supposed to help this probably wouldn’t have happened.”


“How do you know? Maybe this was supposed to happen?”


“For what purpose? No, I think this was probably once again Ranma’s bad luck at work.”


“So, what will you do now?”


Belldandy shrugged and gave her sister a sad smile. “I don’t know. As far as I know this has never happened before.”


Tears were forming in her eyes and slowly running down her cheek as she continued. “That poor boy. He’s had it rough all his life and has more problems to deal with in his young life than most people have in a lifetime, and we only managed to make things worse, especially after I told him that everything would be alright. I--- I have to make it up to him… somehow.”


Skuld panicked a bit as this was the first time she’s seen her sister react like that and had no real idea what to do, but then she remembered what her older sister used to do to calm her down. She took her crying sister in her arms and let her cry on her shoulder. She’d never thought that her perfect sister, who always was calm and composed in any situation, could ever break down like this.


“Shhhh, shhhh, everything will be okay. You’ll see. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Why don’t you ask father? He’ll know what to do.”


“You’re right,” the older sister answered in a resolute tone, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Moping around won’t solve the problem. I’ll ask him right away.”



“Now that’s the sister I know. Go for it!”


Belldandy nodded firmly and went to see her father.


01234543210


Ranma was holding her head in pain. It had been a long fall, but the landing hadn’t hurt nearly as much as one of Ryoga’s blows, not to mention one of Akane’s. Her ears were ringing and it took her some time to recover her bearings. The first thing she noticed was the awful smell, the origin of which easy to guess once she saw where she had landed. “Ah, crap.”


As she was about to jump out of the smelly dumpster she saw an astonished teen staring at her with wide eyes with a line of drool coming out of his mouth.


“What’s YOUR problem, creep?” She rudely asked the stranger, annoyed by the lustful look he was giving her.


The beautiful redhead’s reprimand snapped the teen out of his slightly perverted thoughts and he could only gape when he saw the girl jump out of the dumpster and over his head, landing not far away from him.


She looked around but didn’t see any landmarks she recognized. The first thing she noticed about the few people that were wandering about and minding their own business was that all of them were foreigners. ‘I’m definitely not in Nerima any longer’, she concluded. She massaged her forehead trying to remember how she had ended up in this place, but the reason eluded her. ‘Darn. I can’t remember’.


Her eyes fell once again on the boy who was frozen to the spot and had his mouth wide open.


As she was about to ask him for information he shakily pointed at the cursed boy and said
“You---You are Ranma Saotome!?”


The martial artist blinked in surprise at having been recognized. She’d never realized she was that famous, but inwardly she was proud about the fact that the story of her exploits had crossed Neriman borders. “Have we met?”


“No, but I know everything about you,” the enthusiastic teenager claimed. “You are Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything Goes school of martial arts. You are a chick magnet and have many rivals and enemies... and you’re my second favourite comic book redhead, just after Jean Grey from the X-Men. I have the complete Ranma ½ manga collection and I’ve seen every single episode of the anime. To have you here in front of me is a dream come true.”


If his friends could see him right now they would probably freak out at the enthusiasm the usually stoic boy was showing.


“Hey, hey, hey! Slow down! Who are you? And where the hell am I anyway? And how come you know so much about me?” Her eyes narrowed dangerously as she asked the next question which would determine the blond’s fate. “Are YOU responsible for my presence here?”


“No!” He vehemently denied the accusation. “I didn’t do anything. I was just strolling past reading a comic when I heard a long-drawn shout coming from above. I looked up and saw you fall from the sky and land in the dumpster. I have no idea how you got here, but with all the crazy stuff happening here I’m not surprised. We are in Tandy Gardens, in the USA.”


“Huh? I’m in America? Then how come I can understand you? My English is not really all that good.”


Jason just shrugged indifferently. “Maybe a wizard did it. Honestly, I’ve given up trying to make sense of magic. Just go with the flow and you’ll avoid a lot of headaches in the future. Trust me; I have a lot of experience.”


“Magic?” When she thought about it the word did indeed ring a bell, but her mind was a bit fuzzy at the moment. However, she had a feeling that that magic was the reason for her presence in this town.


She was trying hard to recall the cause of her physical displacement when another statement from the boy registered in her mind and she jerked her head violently towards the stranger. “Wait! What was that about a manga?”


“The Ranma ½ manga, of course. It’s one of the best selling titles in the US. Martial arts slapstick at its best. The curses in particular are incredibly funny.”


“What? There’s a manga about my life?”


Seeing the boy nod she cursed once again. “As if my life didn’t suck enough. If I get my hands on the bastard who sold my story without asking me for permission he’s gonna pay. I bet it was Nabiki. Wait till I get back. She’ll be really sorry.”


“Erm, excuse me,” the boy politely interrupted Ranma’s rant and cringed when the irate redhead gave him a venomous look. That didn’t deter him from exposing his theory however. He knew from the manga that Ranma would never attack someone who can’t fight back, if the manga was right of course.


“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really doubt it. You see, you’re only a fictional character; you don’t exist... at least not in this universe. After reading the manga I got curious about Nerima and looked it up on the internet. Well, the real Nerima is nothing like the version described in the manga. There is no Tendo Dojo, Kuno mansion, or Furinkan High.”


“In-ter-net? What’s that? Something like a library?”


“See, that’s another proof. Do you know what a cell phone is? A playstation? MP3 player? iPhone?”


“Erm...”


“An easier question then. What year is it?”


“Oh, that’s an easy one. 1996”


“You’re wrong. It’s 2011.”


“WHAT? No way!”


“I’m afraid so. Look, we’ll just grab a newspaper and you’ll see for yourself. I’m afraid it won’t be that easy to get you back to your time and universe. You really have no idea how you got here? If you could remember it would at least give us a lead as to where we should start looking.”


Ranma frowned as she tried once again to remember how she had landed in this place. Magic was involved; she was sure of that at least. What had she done before finding herself in the dumpster? She remembered a phone... and calling the Ucchan’s for takeout. Suddenly everything came back to her and she remembered the goddess and the wish. “Ooooh shit! I knew she was bad news!”


“Huh? Who are you talking about?”


“I think I know how I got here. You see, there was this goddess...”


“That was definitely not in the manga!” Jason interrupted her but shut up immediately when he saw the nasty look she was giving him


“This is MY life we’re talking about and not that of some manga character. Maybe the manga isn’t accurate. Did you ever think about that?”


“Ah, yeah. You got a point there.”


“What am I going to do? Stranded in a world I know nothing about and no way to get back home as far as I know. If I ever get my hands on that goddess...”


“Yeah. Tricky situation there,” Jason sympathised with Ranma, “but look at the bright side; at least you’re alive. Trust me. With all the magic related incidents in our little town that’s already a miracle. You know what? I got an idea. We know that you’re here because of magic, right?


Seeing the martial artist nod, he continued. “Then I suggest we ask a friend of mine. She’s the Wotch and might have a magical solution to your little problem.”


“Solution, my ass. From my experience with it I know that magic always tries to screw you over. So thanks but no thanks! And by the way, don’t you mean witch?”


“Nope, she really is the Wotch. You see, everyone makes that mistake when they first hear about her. There are a lot of witches, but there can only ever be one Wotch.”


“Witch, Wotch, I don’t give a damn! I’ve had it with magic. I’ll just have to find an alternate way to get home.


“Good luck with that; you’ll ready need it. Look, why don’t you just talk to her? Just asking can’t hurt. I doubt there are any other ways.”


“Well... I guess I could give it a try.”


“Heh! I knew you’d say that. She’s a great gal and I can promise you this much, she won’t harm you,” he reassured the redhead. ‘At least on purpose’, he thought.


“Alright. Take me to her and let’s get it over with.”


“Hey, hey, curb your enthusiasm,” Jason tried to calm down the martial artist.


“What’s the matter? I want to get this over with.”


“Sorry to tell you, man, but you stink. Your garbage bath hasn’t left you smelling like a rose, that’s for sure.”


Ranma sniffed her clothes and made a disgusted face. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Are there any public bathhouses here and a shop where I can get new clothes?”


“You can take a bath at my house and I can lend you some of my clothes. They should fit your male form. You may return them once your clothes are clean.”


“Hey, thanks a lot. That’s really nice of you. Usually people only help me if they want to get something out of me.”


“Don’t worry. In fact, I’m the one who should thank YOU. I mean, how many people can claim having met one of their favourite comic book characters?”


“I’m NOT a comic book character!”


“Wanna bet? I’ll show you my Ranma ½ manga and anime collection once we’re home.”


01234543210


When Belldandy stepped out of the mirror in the Tendo dojo sometime later the place was in an uproar. She heard a lot of shouting coming from the living room and as she got closer to the action she could hear loud accusations being thrown around. She peered into the room an saw a loud crowd sitting at a table and insulting each other, except for a middle-aged woman in a kimono who was calmly watching the spectacle sitting seiza, a sheathed sword resting on her knees, a young woman in a simple housedress serving tea and a shorthaired brunette who was throwing calculating looks at the others, an amused grin on her face. The heteroclite crowd’s behaviour left a lot to be desired in the Norn’s opinion, but she had a mission to accomplish and teaching them proper manners was not part of it.


She examined a crowd and recognized most of the people she had read about in Ranma’s file. All the Tendos were there, as were the Saotomes. Also present were Happosai, the Kuno siblings, the okonomiyaki chef, and the Amazons. Even Ryoga had somehow managed to find his way to the Dojo.


She knew that listening to other people’s conversations was impolite, but when she heard the words ‘Ranma’ and ‘kidnapped by a glowing woman’ she got really curious as she had no idea how they could know about that. She cast an invisibility spell on herself and silently approached the table. From the information she got it was easy to reconstruct the whole story. The middle Tendo child had witnessed the whole scene after coming back from her date much sooner than expected. When the goddess learnt the reason for her quick return she shook her head; as it turned out the boy was not as Nabiki as she had thought.


What Nabiki did after the goddess had left again really didn’t come as a surprise to her. The greedy girl immediately called the usual crowd to tell them the news, for a modest fee of course, and it hadn’t taken long for everyone to gather at the scene of the ‘crime’, all of them for their own selfish reasons.


Having heard enough the Norn cancelled her invisibility spell and introduced herself.


“Excuse me,” she tried.


“That ungrateful son of mine! How dare he run away without taking his fiancée with him?”


“HE’S NOT MY FIANCE!!!”


“You’re damn right he’s not. He’s MY fiancé. He was promised to me when we were kids and I’ve known him a lot longer than you. I know that he would have taken me with him if he had run away. After all, I’m his cute fiancée.”


“HOHOHOHO! You are so amusing. My Ranma-sama would never marry a commoner like you. Only I am worthy to be his bride.”


“Erm, hello?” The goddess asked a bit louder.


“I have to agree with you, husband. This is not how a man among men should act. I think I’ll have to discipline him once he returns.”


“Saotome! How dare your son run away and abandon my daughter? I demand that you bring him back immediately!”


“Yes Genma. The ungrateful boy still hasn’t modelled the latest pieces of my collection. Oh, how lovely she’d look in this little red number,” he cried fake tears into the lingerie in question.


“HELLO?“ Belldandy tried again, a little louder this time, but to no avail. Her left eyebrow started twitching as she was slowly losing her composure.


“Oh my!”


“Mercenary girl, where husband?” You know something. You call us here.”


“Yes, Miss Tendo. I have to agree with my Shampoo here. It would be in your best interest to tell us right away or I will have to use other means. Either way I WILL get what I want.”


“Hey! I have no idea where he is, but for some cash I could try and find him. Interested?”


“The reason for the vile sorcerer’s flight is obvious. The vile cur has fled my mighty sword as he finally realized that a low-born commoner like him could never defeat I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High.”


Anger veins popped out of the Norn’s forehead as she had enough of the silly spectacle in front of her. “QUIEEETTTTT!!!!”


A very powerful aura erupted next to the bickering group, blowing them into a corner where they huddled together in fear, blinded by the incredible aura surrounding the unknown person.


Just as fast as the aura had come into existence it was gone again. When the group could finally see the originator of said aura they were perplexed. ‘How can a harmless looking woman like that produce such a powerful aura’, was the collective thought, except for two very old people who reacted rather uncharacteristically.


Cologne immediately recognized the nature of the woman standing in front of them, and she immediately fell to her knees and pressed her head to the ground wondering why a goddess would grace them with her presence.


Happosai on the other hand ran away, afraid that the goddess might have come to punish him for stealing those sacred panties all those years ago.


“Lady Goddess, to what do we owe the honour of your visit?”


“GODDESS!?” Was the collective reaction of the incredulous crowd.


Having recovered her composure after her violent outburst, and seeing that her aura had effectively calmed the spectators she chose to use a solemn approach to explain the situation. “Rise, elder. There’s no need for that. As to the reason for my visit, well, I’m here in a matter pertaining to one Ranma Saotome.”


“IT’S HER! That’s the woman who took Ranma away,” Nabiki shouted as she pointed an accusing finger at the goddess.”


“My son is so manly! He even seduced a goddess,” one overjoyed mother was dancing around the room, wielding her victory fans, lost in her fantasy world.”


The fiancées, wannabe fiancée, and wannabe wife on the other hand immediately took up an offensive stance, knowing that a new girl usually meant trouble. After all, what better way to prove their love to Ranma than to get rid of the people who could drive a wedge between their relationship?


“HOHOHOHO! You trollop! I won’t let you steal away my darling Ranma.”


“That cheating bastard!” Wait till I get my hands on him.”


“Well, sugar. Ranma honey is mine. Just try and take him.


“Obstacles for killing.”


The rivals had their own opinion on the situation.


“Damn you, Saotome! Is my darling Shampoo not enough for you?”


“Ranma, how could you cheat on poor Akane like that? Prepare to die!”


“Fear not my divine beauty,” the insane kendoist shouted as he attacked the young woman with his bokuto. I’ll free you of the spell the vile sorcerer has cast on you and then I can share my love with you, the fierce tigress and the pigtailed girl.”


The fathers uncharacteristically kept quiet. They had not forgotten the insanely powerful aura, and seeing their master run away from the woman in front of them they knew they had no chance to defeat her, and pissing off someone so powerful could be the last mistake they’d ever make.


“ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE!”


An even stronger aura surrounded Belldandy now as all the hostile people were launched with high velocity into a wall. Cologne had been wise enough to move away as soon as she had realized what the morons were about to do, taking Kasumi with her since she’d probably not survive the wrath of a goddess.


“You people make me sick! I come in peace to try and explain what happened to Ranma and what do I see? A group of people bickering among themselves and only looking out for their interests instead of trying to help Ranma. And when I try to tell you what happened you jump to ridiculous conclusions and attack me.”


She was shaking in anger now and probably not thinking rationally, but the time for diplomacy, civility, and politeness was over. “Well, you WILL listen... and listen good! First of all, the elder is right. I am indeed a goddess; Belldandy, first class goddess, second category, unlimited license. Earlier today Ranma was granted a divine wish, but unfortunately there was an unexpected error and as a result he was sent to another universe. I’ve come here to tell you not to worry and that I could bring him back, but seeing you all here bickering and only thinking about yourselves I’ve changed my mind. You don’t deserve him.”


Studying their reactions the goddess was satisfied to see them finally shut up and listen.


“What---What do you mean?” Nodoka hesitantly asked, afraid as to what the Norn’s words implied.


“That’s quite simple,” she continued in a no-nonsense tone. “I’ll leave him where he is now. It can’t be any worse than here. At least in that other universe he might find some people who will appreciate him for himself and not for what he can do for them.”


Having said her piece she turned around and without giving the gaping assembly any further consideration she left for the nearest mirror. As she was about to enter the reflective surface an uncharacteristic, cruel smirk formed on the usually very jovial face as she decided to twist the knife even further in. “I’ll leave you with the knowledge that you’re the ones responsible for this situation. Think about what you did wrong and how you would handle things differently if you had another chance.”


Belldandy hated playing the bad guy as she was not a cruel person by nature, and she hoped that her parting words might make them think about changing their ways and maybe not end up in Hell after their deaths, although for some of them it would not be enough.


She stepped into the mirror leaving the shocked crowd to their thoughts and was gone from their lives forever.


01234543210


The first thing the goddess did after reappearing in her home in Nekomi, where she lived with Keiichi and her sisters, was to raid Urd’s sake stash and down every bottle she could find.


When Urd arrived an hour later she was in a rather good mood... until she found her sister that is. Belldandy was snoring on her couch, completely out of it, a few extremely familiar sake bottles lying next to her. The older goddess immediately ran over to her secret hiding place and let out a howl of disappointment when she found it completely empty.


Urd’s anguished cry was loud enough to wake the dead, and as it turned out the drunk too since the comatose Norn slowly opened her eyes which landed then on her sister who was slumped down in front of the bottles offering a silent prayer to the unfortunate victims of Belldandy’s drunken binge who were deprived of the honor of ending up in her own stomach.


“Hi *hic* Urd,” a giggling voice could be heard from behind the white-haired woman. “Want *hic* some?” I think *hic* there’s still some *hic* left in this one,” she continued in a slurred voice, demonstratively shaking the bottle she had picked up.


Urd, who had spontaneously decided to be the responsible one for once, immediately confiscated the bottle from an inebriated Belldandy who tried in vain to get back at least one of the three bottles her three (!?) sisters were holding.


“I think you’ve had more than enough,” the older woman admonished her sister, the irony of that statement not lost on her. “What in father’s name is wrong with you? Since when do you drink? And more importantly, why don’t you buy your own alcohol instead of raiding my stash?”


Not being used to such harsh words the younger goddess burst into tears and hugged a very surprised Urd. “I’m... *hic* I’m so sorry. Please *hic* forgive me.”


“Aaah, don’t worry,” the panicking white-haired woman tried to calm down her sister. “I’m not angry with you. Why don’t we sober you up and you tell me what happened? This is so not like you. I have juuuust the right potion for this. I always keep one since you never know when you need it.”


Urd got up and approached the shelf with her collection of potions. She grabbed a vial and forced the liquid down Belldandy’s throat.


The effects of the potion were spectacular. Belldandly turned fire red as steam erupted from her ears with a loud hiss. She breathed out a huge gout of fire before running for the nearest water tap and dousing the fire burning in her belly with several litres of water.


She closed the tap and slowly returned to Urd’s room, still recovering from swallowing the foul tasting liquid. However, she had to admit (much to her surprise as she was well aware of some of her sister’s most spectacular foul-ups when it came to brewing) that the concoction had really worked as advertised.


“So, are you ready to talk now?”


Belldandy nodded and sat down next to her sister. She calmly told the whole story to her sister, starting with the wish and finishing with the scene at the Tendos’. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. It’s not worthy of a goddess. And I was so horrible to them.”


“Hmpf! If you ask me, they deserve everything they got. I would have done much worse, believe me! Honestly, the nerve of those people.”


“What should I do? Maybe the Tendos and Saotomes really need a wakeup call, but Ranma is completely innocent. It wouldn’t be fair to just leave him there, especially since he only ended up there because of a system error. I just want to bring him back and grant him another wish.”


“You could do that,” Urd offered, “or you could go with my idea.”


Seeing her sister’s dubious look she quickly elaborated. “Don’t look like that. I have good ideas too, you know. Look, you sent this Ranma to another universe, right? Well, how about you leave him there for... say three months? If he doesn’t like it you’ll still have the possibility to bring him back later. Just tell him you’re sorry and that he’ll get another wish. It’s a win-win situation for the boy. On the one hand he’ll get a much needed vacation away from his problems and he’ll still get his wish once he’s back, and on the other hand he might like it there and not want to return at all.”


“Yes, but what if he gets into trouble there? He doesn’t know anything about that world and might end up in a bad situation.”


“Well, that’s where the second part of my idea comes in. One of us will monitor the situation over there and bring him back if things get too hairy. After all, he’s there because of an error and simply correcting that mistake can’t really been seen as interference, right? And since you and Skuld have your duties here and I’m on vacation I’m the only one who can take care of this arduous task.”


“YOU are volunteering?” The shocked goddess asked before narrowing her eyes and staring at her sister. “What’s in it for you? Don’t tell me you’re doing this out of the goodness of your heart.”


“You wound me, sister,” Urd put her hands on her heart and gave Belldandy the most pitiful look she could manage, which didn’t work, as usually. “Do you really think so little of me? That I would only offer my help for selfish reasons? What have I done to arouse so much suspicion?”


“Stop your little show! You’re not fooling anyone.”


“Oh, alright. I’m booooored. There hasn’t been anything interesting going on here lately. This Ranma guy on the other hand really sounds like he could be a lot of fun.”


“So that’s the real reason. I should have known. You just want to have some fun at the expense of the poor boy”


“Hey! That’s not true. I’m not going to interfere. I’ll just watch and get him out of there if things get dicey. Honestly. Believe in me. So what if I have my own reasons? It’s not like he’ll even know I’m there.”


“You’re really not going to interfere?”


“Well, not on purpose anyway.”


“That’s probably the best I can get out of you. Okay, I’ll trust you. I might end up regretting it, but I will give you a chance. Before you go, however, I want you to read Ranma’s file; ALL of it.”


“Thank’s sis. You won’t regret it.”


The older goddess left in a flash leaving a worried Belldandy behind. ‘I already do’, she thought.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby frice2000 » Sat Aug 20, 2011 10:38 pm

The first thing the Norn noticed

Repeating 'the first thing' too closely to another instance. Also can't help but think translating this into dialogue in some fashion would make this stronger.

for the earlier mishap.

Um...didn't she just say it was her fault? Unclearish.

and our exhausted heroes

Bit too much summarization. Also the line I quoted above is a little too stereotypical.

except for Belldandy who was immersed in the martial artist’s file.

Briefly establish where we are because from the flow it seems she's just finished fighting off the bugs and is reading his file while she was doing so.

If there was anyone who deserved some happiness in his life it was him

Bit too strong a line for her to declare. The negatives she goes into in the next sentence makes this one seem a little out of place.

hundred of them.

" Missing quotation mark.

I only got about 20.

Grammatical consistency. Either write out verbosely all the numbers or not either or.

“What are you reading? It must be very interesting since you only answered after my third call.”

Not sure this is a 'Skuld' sort of line feels off to me at least.

I was sitting in my office when I got a call. I answered and immediately

Oh my...Missing quotation mark and then this goes...too long. In the next two paragraphs intersperse it with questions, fast forward time, or cut it down. Far too much here.

Tears were forming in her eyes and

Tears? I don't like that. Determination to make it right and fulfill her job seems more her then just crying when something is really her fault pretty much.

“You---You are Ranma Saotome!?”

Could be stronger. Not really getting the disbelief across. Something like, "No you...you can't be...Ranma Sao..."

“Are YOU responsible for my presence here?”

Does not seem like a Ranma line.

“See, that’s another proof

that's more proof. Also seems way OOC for Jason here.

but look at the bright side;

look on the

I got an

I've got an

to get home.

" Missing quotation mark.

I’ve had it with magic. I’ll

Simplify this exchange. "Hell no I won't. "You should." "No way i really don't want to!" "You should." "Ok." That's what this conversation boils down to it's a little fillery.

“You can take a bath at my house and I can lend you some of my clothes. They should fit your male form. You may return them once your clothes are clean.”

Unnatural. When you're writing dialogue do you say it out loud? You should it'll really help you with noting how this line doesn't sound fitting in a natural conversation.

sitting seiza,

sitting in a seiza position,

A very powerful aura erupted next

Really?

“My son is so manly! He even seduced a goddess,”

It's fine but it'd be better if you tried for something more original.

“HOHOHOHO! You trollop! I won’t let you steal away my darling Ranma.”


“That cheating bastard!” Wait till I get my hands on him.”


“Well, sugar. Ranma honey is mine. Just try and take him.


“Obstacles for killing.”

The rivals had their own opinion on the situation.


“Damn you, Saotome! Is my darling Shampoo not enough for you?”


“Ranma, how could you cheat on poor Akane like that? Prepare to die!”


“Fear not my divine beauty,” the insane kendoist shouted as he attacked the young woman with his bokuto

They sound like pull the string dolls for fanfiction lines. You really should make this more original because as it stands not very good exchange by any means.

You people make me sick! I come in peace to try and explain what happened

Umm...this doesn't fit her at all. I really don't see where this is coming from and you haven't established enough reason for your readers to buy into it. This and her later actions, really think you could do with rethinking. Also again, read the conversation out loud, see if it sounds natural to your ears.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Aug 21, 2011 3:05 am

Thx for the input. I'll see what I can do to imrpove the chapter.

They sound like pull the string dolls for fanfiction lines. You really should make this more original because as it stands not very good exchange by any means.


I've done that on purpose for two reasons:

1) the reader immediately knows who's talking
2) it adds to the ridicolousness of the whole situation

I also know that some of the characters are a bit OOC, but my knwledge of A!MG comes from the firsst 7-8 manga volumes I read more than 10 years ago and Ranma/A!MG crossovers.

As for Jason I know he's a rather stoic and sarcastic boy who's rather difficult to faze. I'll try and improve that.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Aug 21, 2011 9:22 am

You people make me sick! I come in peace to try and explain what happened


I know that it's OOC for Belldandy, but does she ever get really angry in the manga? If yes, how does she react?
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Munchkin » Sun Aug 21, 2011 11:58 am

Dumbledork wrote:I know that it's OOC for Belldandy, but does she ever get really angry in the manga? If yes, how does she react?


I don't think the manga ever really depicts her as getting angry, but she definitely gets jealous. She always suppresses any 'bad' emotion, so that she only shows a nice front though. However, when she does, she acts mostly normal, but things start exploding or breaking around her as her magic goes out of control due to the emotions running riot. It only happens a couple of times in the manga though, so I guess there isn't too much to go on.

Also, as an aside, I just noticed the story had her getting drunk on Sake. She can drink as much alcohol as wants and not get drunk. Instead, she gets extremely drunk on a single can of cola :P.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Aug 21, 2011 12:25 pm

Also, as an aside, I just noticed the story had her getting drunk on Sake. She can drink as much alcohol as wants and not get drunk. Instead, she gets extremely drunk on a single can of cola


Really?

OK. I changed that part. Might even be funnier. What do you think?

Urd, who had spontaneously decided to be the responsible one for once, immediately confiscated the bottle from an inebriated Belldandy who tried in vain to get back at least one of the three bottles her three (!?) sisters were holding.


“I think you’ve had more than enough,” the older woman admonished her sister, the irony of that statement not lost on her. “What in father’s name is wrong with you? Since when do you drink? And more importantly, how can you even get drunk from alcohol? I know you are immune to its effects?”


The brunette pointed at two bottles of cola lying in a corner and Urd understood.


“You poured some of it into the sake bottles, didn’t you?”




and the next part


Belldandy nodded and sat down next to her sister.


“Wait! Before you start I’d like to know why you had to use my precious sake although it doesn’t affect you.”


“I don’t know. At the time I thought it fit the situation. You know... alcohol and getting drunk.”


Urd just groaned in annoyance. “Right. And they say I’m the one with the stupid ideas. Guess it runs in the family doesn’t it? I have no idea what you were thinking and I don’t think I want to know. Just tell the story and let’s get it over with.

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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dartz » Sun Aug 21, 2011 1:02 pm

I like the idea for the story. It's fun and makes me smile.

It's just.... it feels a little bit dry. It's telling a lot, and it can feel a bit clunky to read. There's a lot of unneccessary adverbs in there. Take the paragraph:


"As she was about to jump out of the smelly dumpster she saw an astonished teen staring at her with wide eyes with a line of drool coming out of his mouth.


“What’s YOUR problem, creep?” She rudely asked the stranger, annoyed by the lustful look he was giving her.


The beautiful redhead’s reprimand snapped the teen out of his slightly perverted thoughts and he could only gape when he saw the girl jump out of the dumpster and over his head, landing not far away from him."



Maybe that might be better as:


"As Ranma prepared to jump free of the stinking dumpster, she spotted a teenaged boy gawking at her with wide eyes, a line of drool trickling out of the side of his mouth,"

'What's YOUR problem, creep?" she asked, planting her hands on her hips.

Ranma's reprimand snapped him out of his perverted reverie. He could only gape as he watched the beautiful redhead leap out of the dumpster, vaulting over his head into an easy landing just outside arm's reach."



I think It reads better like that.

Try cut down on unnecessary adverbs. You don't need them. Ranma's dialogue implies that she's being rude and boisterous far better than you telling us again that she's speaking rudely. Adjectives can also be better in certain circumstance. If you absolutely must, maybe instead of saying she's annoyed, show how she's annoyed. Her expression, her actions....

Word choice can be helpful. For example, my shoes are 'smelly'. It's mild, it's not unpleasant as such. It's just flat. 'Stinking' as an adjective is more back-of-the-throat taste... it's strong, it's in your face. A dumpster is stinking... stinking is unpleasant.

Also, you don't need to be afraid of repeating character names and the like. Using phrases such a 'beautiful redhead' are really unnecessary, unless you're describing how someone actually see's Ranma, rather than how you want us to see her.

Of course, I'm shit at explaining these things right. I haven't given CC on a fic in years, not since my review group collapsed in on its own bitterness.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Aug 21, 2011 1:49 pm

Thx a lot for the advice.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby frice2000 » Sun Aug 21, 2011 4:00 pm

Dumbledork wrote:I've done that on purpose for two reasons:

1) the reader immediately knows who's talking
2) it adds to the ridicolousness of the whole situation.

These two points might be true but it reads like the equivalent of having Roy Schiedner, Sherlock Holmes and Batman in a boat and they each just say in turn. "We're going to need a bigger boat. " "Elementary dear Watson. " "I am vengenace I am the night... " Now in their proper context each of those lines all work but literally altogether it reads very poorly. Your exchange did make me laugh, but it wasn't in a good way it was as I said like they were a made into pull string dolls then I'd call that exchange plausible. Really you should change it.

Overall the fic thus far is interesting and it is entertaining. Parts do need work though but I do see improvement from ya.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Munchkin » Sun Aug 21, 2011 4:45 pm

Also, as an aside, I just noticed the story had her getting drunk on Sake. She can drink as much alcohol as wants and not get drunk. Instead, she gets extremely drunk on a single can of cola
Dumbledork wrote:Really?

Not sure if we're allowed to give direct links to manga sites here? Can't remember the rules, so to be safe, I won't. But if you don't have the manga locally, you can head on over to somewhere with it, like mangareader.net. It's chapter 90 'Without letting go of your hand', page 9 onwards.

Dumbledork wrote:Urd, who had spontaneously decided to be the responsible one for once, immediately confiscated the bottle from an inebriated Belldandy who tried in vain to get back at least one of the three bottles her three (!?) sisters were holding.

“I think you’ve had more than enough,” the older woman admonished her sister, the irony of that statement not lost on her. “What in father’s name is wrong with you? Since when do you drink? And more importantly, how can you even get drunk from alcohol? I know you are immune to its effects?”

The brunette pointed at two bottles of cola lying in a corner and Urd understood.

“You poured some of it into the sake bottles, didn’t you?”


Can't really see anything wrong with it, but it doesn't feel right. I'm not really sure a drunk person would just point to the bottles of cola?

Probably also not in character, but I kinda picture in my head that it would be more like Urd coming back to finding her drunk, surrounded by bottles of cola, and starting on the expensive Sake once that ran out. Urd would whip away what's left, telling her it's a waste for her to drink it, and Belldandy would drunkenly flail towards it and turn puppy-dog eyes on Urd.

The second part would then fit better, since Belldandy would already be well into the drunken thinking before starting on the Sake.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Dumbledork » Sun Aug 21, 2011 5:06 pm

Probably also not in character, but I kinda picture in my head that it would be more like Urd coming back to finding her drunk, surrounded by bottles of cola, and starting on the expensive Sake once that ran out. Urd would whip away what's left, telling her it's a waste for her to drink it, and Belldandy would drunkenly flail towards it and turn puppy-dog eyes on Urd.

The second part would then fit better, since Belldandy would already be well into the drunken thinking before starting on the Sake.


Sounds like a funny idea. I'll think about it.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby borgrabbit » Sun Aug 21, 2011 6:13 pm

Yes, it happens several times in the anime. Someone does something she doesn't like, then clouds and thunder happen followed by collapsing billboards or other structures (my paraphrasing). During this she just frowns cutely and tries to suppress the anger.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Sun Aug 21, 2011 6:22 pm

One of your lines reads "... as it turned out the boy was not as Nabiki as she had thought."

I've come up with several possibilities for that. I don't think you intended me to do so.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby Spokavriel » Sun Aug 21, 2011 10:20 pm

Too much acceptance of things from the moment Wotch is mentioned until the end of that scene. I'm sorry but Ranma does point out the Manga might not be accurate and then Fully accepts the guy saying the clothes would fit her Male Form no questions asked? And going along with magical help after giving Belldanday such a hard time? No it doesn't fit. Your own story establishes that he wouldn't go along like that.

The pacing of the scene where Bell goes to tell them what happened to Ranma is hell sure its how things go for Ranma but maybe you didn't really look closely at the Manga nor Anime. They usually only get to the level you show here when Ranma is accidentally stirring things up more by sticking his foot in it trying to defend himself with his poor debate skills.

Your use of Forever at the end of that scene. Thats BULL. You can not leave it definite there it breaks her off from them permanently and you can't be certain of that. She does live in the Nekomi area in the same dimension after all.

You also have many paragraphs where two people's perspectives are being used as the point of view. Every time I see that without it being in a clear Narator's voice it gives me headaches.

AND JUST LEAVING RANMA WITHOUT CHECKING IN ON WHAT KIND OF PLACE HE ENDED UP IN? I'm sorry but at Urd's suggestion of leaving Ranma there for 3 months, even though I was close to the end, I was incapable of continuing.

The Loony Tunes Potion? Really? Is your next appearance of bell going to have her be that plant animal with the pennant tail for next chapter?

I like the concept here but, in this chapter, its still really rough and some things are contradicting themselves in character behavior making this hard to read without allot of headache medicine right now.
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Re: A wish gone horribly wrong chapter 2

Postby WG_Writer » Mon Aug 22, 2011 11:17 pm

Ok, I hate to be critical (or at least this much), but if you want this story to work well I must say this:

1. Clarify where Ranma went, if he went to the real world say so, otherwise I am lost. I have nothing against how this fic started with the wish, Ranma's rejecting of it or such. But remember who the story is about and focus on giving blatent tells. If the person he met is an OC from "Real World" it should be more obvious to the reader. and just because you refer to Ranma as a Manga character means little. Manga is referenced in Manga and Anime regulary, sometimes even named and cross referenced to the point where it becomes circular. For all we know you could name the new guy Tenchi and its a Tenchi in Tokyo (sorry for bringing up that series) cross.

2. Cut down on the bash seriously I skipped a lot because it was just painful to read. A little for comedic relief is fine, but do not let it get out of control to the point that you spend more time bashing canon characters then you do writing about the story. Belldandy could easily give a less then full truth to them and say that Ranma cannot be returned for a time due to issues she can not go into at the time. I am sure that some creative writing can make this type of thing fun and lack bash.

3. As for a Plastered Belldandy, ok, that is comedy there. Many people forget that Bell is not a two dimenional character... jokes aside, she has gotten almost mad and or envious enough to almost if not to go on rampages. Belldandy is a lot like a merger between canon manga Akane and Anime Kasumi. Under that perfect house wife exterior is an explosion of the vengance of the gods waiting for any excuse to be unleashed.
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