Your Destiny is Annulled Ch7

[Cheb]

Hail to thee!
I'm coming here with my last strength. It's 0:35AM, I have a working day tomorrow, and here I drag the barely finished chapter hoping for your criticism... =_=

http://217.70.20.10/tuu/your_destiny_is ... _07_e.html
http://www.chebmaster.narod.ru/tuu/your ... _07_e.html

I'm still hoping for some comment on my endeavor to rehassh the ffffirst three chapte... Zzzzz... -_-

[Pusakuronu]

“Ans you've just agreed?” Genma frowned disapprovingly.

Typo with the first "And" there.

“If not us breaking into the center of his base -

if not FOR us ?

His hordes would overrun everything and everyone

would have, I think. It's in the past.

Then either he'd conquer the world or someone'd nuked what would be left of Tokyo.

Same here for he'd and someone'd. It's no longer a threat.

“And how it correlates with your promise to protect her?

how does it correlate

during the assault of enemy lair.”

word missing

Genma w ho was frowning.

who

just where did she lead this talk.

where she was leading

In the end the vanity won.

In the end her vanity won.

“No, he haven't got a slightest clue.”

he hasn't

red-haired girl with a sincere pity

with sincere pity

as she heard these fantastic sums.

strangely formulated. Sounds as if the sums are doing something audible

But right after that, enemy attacked...”

, the enemy

Not the least from my respect to the girl

Not least because of my respect for the girl

We hadn't have an enemy worse that this one.

We haven't had

but the grandpa cried and babbled

If she's using "grandpa" as a name, it should be capitalised and without "the" here.

The he spits a skirt out

Then he spits a skirt out

what a jerk one has to be

what kind of jerk does one have to be

didn't met the more.

didn't meet the more.

“I felt nauseated from the sole thought of what was going to happen to Ami-chan,”

The "sole" feels weird there.

“It's a good thing then than Ranma-kun pulled you out,”

then that

hastily agreed Nabiki,

Nabiki agreed hastily

Whatever happens you're just can't produce the level

not sure exactly what tense you want to use her. There possibly is a comma missing too

No one of the girls were...

None of

“The idiot I am.

The idiot that I am

And then they again took me for Mercury...

And then they mistook me for Mercury again...

observancy.

Not a word, as far as I know. Do you mean "perceptiveness"?

He gave it out himself that he was burning through his last reserves...

He gave away that he was burning through his last reserves...

All was left to do was delaying

All that was left to do

She had enough digging in the fresh wounds.

I'd suggest "She had prodded the fresh wounds enough"

Nobody knows what to do with it, our magic doesn't work - and the hole grows bigger and will suck the whole Earth in if it isn't stopped.

Should be in the past tense

but the hell itself

but hell itself

Sun grabbed under his arm.

Sun grabbed him under his arm.

looked like she was seeing them to a last, suicide mission.

looked as if she was seeing them off to a last, suicidal mission ?



General notes: I did not correct every weird phrasing I noticed. There are some commas missing or misplaced, I think. You are also using ... a lot. I'd suggest going over the entire chapter again very carefully. Perhaps you could also shorten some of the recap stuff a bit while you are at it? It's fairly wordy for nothing new happening.

[Cheb]

If she's using "grandpa" as a name, it should be capitalised and without "the" here.

Thank you, that's an useful knowledge. I don't remember it mentioned to me before.

“It's a good thing then than Ranma-kun pulled you out,”
then that

I have a bug in my brain, in the section that is responsible for the output serialization. When I'm typing, sometimes a letter "doubles" replacing a similar letter in the next word. The only rule I've noticed it's alvays vovel vs vovel and consonant vs consonant :/ There aren't typos, as sometimes the corresponding keys are on the opposite sides of keyboard. This happens regardless of language.

Whatever happens you're just can't produce the level
not sure exactly what tense you want to use her. There possibly is a comma missing too

Whatever happens, you're just incapable of reaching the level of negative emotions Ryouga-kun brings out.

observancy.
Not a word, as far as I know. Do you mean "perceptiveness"?

Err, yes. [glares balefully at the online dictionary]

Sun grabbed under his arm.
Sun grabbed him under his arm.

holding Sun tucked under his arm.

General notes: I did not correct every weird phrasing I noticed.

I'm immensely grateful none the less!
You aren't supposed to do my work for me, after all. I wish I had more free time to work on it
I'll try to learn from your corrections the best as I can.

There are some commas missing or misplaced, I think.

Darn. OpenOffice doesn't have a punctuation checking option, unlike m$ Word.

You are also using ... a lot.

I can't get rid of this quirk of mine for the last twenty years. Pruned these in places.
Also, it is used in Russian for terminating an aborted speech. I forgot to change it to -- in such instances.

I'd suggest going over the entire chapter again very carefully.

[sigh] It always pains me to sacrifice quality for speed for I am a perfectionist. But the planned length of this story is around 50 chapters, and my life is very finite while the full-time job leaves me with painfully little free time. I'd like to learn English properly, for example -- but where would I get time for going to courses? And so on, and so forth

Perhaps you could also shorten some of the recap stuff a bit while you are at it? It's fairly wordy for nothing new happening.

Well, it's a "calm before the storm" type of chapter, right before the action begins gaining in intensity. The last chance for many Nerimans to have some screen time before this fic leaves Earth forever.
There are several other factors contributing:
-- It's an introduction for the readers who didn't read the Burger's and Fire's prequels (I have to take those into account).
-- It's the last chance for me to freely show the events from Ranma's POV, and delve into details of the fight and the character reactions.
So... I admit, it came out larger that I planned, but my way of correcting things is either adding more detail or rewriting whole chapters anew. I'm not that good with cutting things down.