The Return [R.5 SM]: Interlude 3 "Down Time"

[Sunshine Temple]

Interlude 3 for The Return has been posted.

It can be read here

Edit: If you read the Interlude in it's first couple hours up, please give a reread.
The current version (at least V3a) has some major changes in the tone and descriptions and additions to the dialog.

A link to fanart for the chapter is coming shortly.

And here it is.

[frice2000]

In general could use a lot more descriptions of setting for the first quarter. Also in the first quarter almost every line is a new line of dialogue and that's rare for you usually you advance the plot or have more descriptions within it. So the first bit in general I'd say could use a lot of cleaning. Also story itself could use some better framing so we understand right away it's a vacation day. Not sure how you'd make that clearer but that concept did not come across to me clearly until later then it should have.

"There's no more Condition White."

So they've eliminated 'condition white' or there was never one to begin with?

live in that world? Unaware unprepared?"

Unaware? Unprepared?"

"One hopes, because

Sounds a bit awkward.

Odds are I'll get pretty mauled in the next fight, but that's not what you're worried about?"

"You could handle simply fighting Miss Tsukino," Nariko gave a little sigh. "It would seem that Misa-chan has managed to be right again."

This exchange is bad. Subject isn't clear, what they are referring to is moderately clear but could use clarification. Nariko's lines don't feel like they are flowing from Ranma's line...Would think it'd be Akane responding really as that'd make more sense really. Thus far this all feels very ephemeral and unemotional so far. Not what I'd think would be in character for the touchy feely succubae you've created especially in what is I think supposed to be a happyish social occasion. All in all this entire conversation in general feels really weird like you had something else planned for it but then cut it. Not a strong beginning.

"Well, aren't you pretty,

Seems like you cut a description of what Ranma is wearing here. I know she's barefoot but I have no other picture in my head of what she's wearing. You describe Kasumi though but Ranma's blank.

"Right; a dull tool isn't a very useful tool."

"Right, a dull tool isn't very useful."

Checking the shoes, Misako smiled. She had

The description of feminine finery that follows feel over the top compared to the dearth of such we had earlier and in fact in general feels a tad overwhelming. Could use with some better balancing.

strawberry-blonde's chin

Is it weird that I take more offense to you dying Ranma's hair partially blonde then I did the entire succubusification and feminization?

"Something like that."
Her purple eyes seemed to shine in delight.

I joked previously about the whole feminization thing but really here...a little more stress or at least questioning her seduction of it seems her second male lover (one she's not planning on making her sister apparently) might be appropriate. I get that she seemed a little nervous previously but her interactions with Charles and her inner tempting succubus nature along with her old personality conflict now would be a time for at least some modicum of confusion. While you nicely had some later with her not going forward with the sex it's just some more slight social awkwardness to go with who she used to be would be a nice addition. Doesn't have to be overpowering but a couple missed queues might make this scene better.

"Well old Chuck is more than welcome

Wait a second...'Chuck' is the guys name...navy seal training. Mention about 'spooks'. He isn't Sam from Burn Notice is he? Because I see Bruce Campbell pulling out a chainsaw and trying to cut her head off now.

Mr. Finley!

OK now I feel uncomfortable...Ash vs Succubus...I'd say Succubus wins in this instance but Ash is Ash and he does have a near one hundred percent kill rate on supernatural entities.

"Well, we like to

Hmm..."we". Interesting. I don't know about the whole we. At points it feels like the brood is becoming more separate entities and powerhouses with only joint interests with the company...Then you go and have them being very loyal indeed. It's a interesting dynamic one I hope comes more to the fore later as I'm pretty sure in general that either the succubae will so infiltrate the company through the D program that it basically becomes a succubus agency outright or the company distances themselves a bit from the brood and becomes more distrustful. Again either way interesting.

Crazy dames, you

'dames'? Is this suddenly a Nero Wolfe novel? Wouldn't he just say, 'bitch'? In fact these guys in general need a little more modern lowlife vibe they feel too roaring twentiesish before this point. After it you seemed to make them more modern day scumbag. Slightly incongruous.

Also Murdock again recaptures my interest. I do wonder what he wants to accomplish with this gift. What his plans are now. He's still the character I'm most interested in so props there. Hope he sticks around and doesn't die.

"Apologies for the delay Lieutenant Patterson

This...is troubling. I would think a segment of the guys working for the company would have trouble seeing humans played with like that before being eaten and killed. Obviously with them being low-lives maybe not them being killed but being played with and tortured before they died I would think you'd have a couple who would look at that kind of behavior in disgust especially with the anti-NH thing they've been immersed in for however long. Ranma 'playing with her food' in such a manner is disturbing and should be raising some instincts and negative emotions in them. How much longer before she totally devalues human life and sees them entirely as props? Does she already feel that way? Her mother is keeping her grounded somewhat to humanity and seeing them as something to value I suppose but really who else is she really respecting and treating with love and trust? I don't know just feels like you're going to make her into an out and out monster if you keep taking this route. Yes, I know she's been a monster for awhile now but she was still a monster with a lot of redeeming qualities who while holding her interests paramount still did things to help others...Now she's diving down darker again just be careful with how far you take her or you'll risk making her too foreign morally to connect to.

cooling pastries."

Floating quotation mark.

"Mmm, now dear, you wanted to be mature, be the mommy. I'm only helping.

Disturbing Nodoka is disturbing.

All in all a interesting interlude. Not as good as the other ones really because I just felt a lot less was accomplished and it didn't strike me as particularly cute or as memorable. It really needed better framing at the start more then anything the first quarter felt really weird and very poorly framed with poor dialgoue and description of setting. It picked up nicely after that though.

[Sunshine Temple]

frice2000

In general could use a lot more descriptions of setting for the first quarter. Also in the first quarter almost every line is a new line of dialogue and that's rare for you usually you advance the plot or have more descriptions within it. So the first bit in general I'd say could use a lot of cleaning. Also story itself could use some better framing so we understand right away it's a vacation day. Not sure how you'd make that clearer but that concept did not come across to me clearly until later then it should have.

[Oh dear. It does completely lack a setup and opening.
[Well, I'll have to fix that to actually frame the start.
[And the opening scenes can use some work.

"There's no more Condition White."

So they've eliminated 'condition white' or there was never one to begin with?

live in that world? Unaware unprepared?"

Unaware? Unprepared?"

[Clearer?

[[
"I suppose Yellow is as relaxed as you can get," Cecilia put her fork down. "Condition White isn't an option for you anymore?"
"Speaking for yourself?" Nariko asked with a bright smile. "Would you like to live in that world? Unaware? Unprepared?"
]]

"One hopes, because

Sounds a bit awkward.

[[
"One hopes. That's the reality of the universe. Condition White is an illusion, those that live in such a state are –well- deluded."

]]

Odds are I'll get pretty mauled in the next fight, but that's not what you're worried about?"

"You could handle simply fighting Miss Tsukino," Nariko gave a little sigh. "It would seem that Misa-chan has managed to be right again."

This exchange is bad. Subject isn't clear, what they are referring to is moderately clear but could use clarification. Nariko's lines don't feel like they are flowing from Ranma's line...Would think it'd be Akane responding really as that'd make more sense really. Thus far this all feels very ephemeral and unemotional so far. Not what I'd think would be in character for the touchy feely succubae you've created especially in what is I think supposed to be a happyish social occasion. All in all this entire conversation in general feels really weird like you had something else planned for it but then cut it. Not a strong beginning.

[I've done a few changes to the first scene and the descriptions and setup.
[I think the dialog tweaking also helps shift the tone to more of what I want.

[[
"Oh, Akane honey," Ranma laughed before turning somewhat pensive. "But you're not worried about me getting hurt, not physically at least. It's something else?"
Akane glanced to Nariko.
"Perhaps solving the Tsukino situation sooner rather than later would be for the best," Nariko gave a little sigh. "It would seem that Misa-chan has managed to be right again."
"Don't confuse directness with wisdom," Eve stated. "Often the quick solution isn't the best."
"But it's often the most satisfying," Ranma smiled as she bit the sausage she had sliced.

***************
]]

"Well, aren't you pretty,

Seems like you cut a description of what Ranma is wearing here. I know she's barefoot but I have no other picture in my head of what she's wearing. You describe Kasumi though but Ranma's blank.

[[
"Well, aren't you pretty," Kasumi drawled walking up to the brood mother. The officer was wearing a grey coat and pants cut in a severe business style. A bit of fringe on her blouse was the only feminine accenting.
Ranma blushed slightly. While she had removed her heels she had stuck with her dress. The ankle-length shimmering purple silk gown stuck out, especially when compared to the Lycra exercise suits the other succubae wore. "Well, it was Cecilia's idea..." Her cheeks pinked slightly, the extra, the special, attention her brood gave her was... nice.
]]

"Right; a dull tool isn't a very useful tool."

"Right, a dull tool isn't very useful."

[oh brevity.

Checking the shoes, Misako smiled. She had

The description of feminine finery that follows feel over the top compared to the dearth of such we had earlier and in fact in general feels a tad overwhelming. Could use with some better balancing.

[I see a big problem here is that I ended ch27 with a description of Ranma's dress.
[And from my perspective ch2 went immediately to Interlude 3.
[But as a reader a refresher on how her dress looks should be given.
[I'll fix that

strawberry-blonde's chin

Is it weird that I take more offense to you dying Ranma's hair partially blonde then I did the entire succubusification and feminization?

[It shows the hair dye has it's effect.
[As I was pretty certain there would be a lot of attachment to it.

"Something like that."
Her purple eyes seemed to shine in delight.

I joked previously about the whole feminization thing but really here...a little more stress or at least questioning her seduction of it seems her second male lover (one she's not planning on making her sister apparently) might be appropriate. I get that she seemed a little nervous previously but her interactions with Charles and her inner tempting succubus nature along with her old personality conflict now would be a time for at least some modicum of confusion. While you nicely had some later with her not going forward with the sex it's just some more slight social awkwardness to go with who she used to be would be a nice addition. Doesn't have to be overpowering but a couple missed queues might make this scene better.

[I added a bit more nervousness to the Kasumi and Ranma scene to build onto the nervousness she had in later scenes.
[And I'll work on this part too.

[[
"Sunny, younger men are nothing but trouble. You should know that buy now."
The demoness stared and blinked. After a moment she put her hand to her mouth and laughed awkwardly. "My, my Chuck, speaking from experience are we?" Sunshine then smiled broadly, showing her teeth.
Charles coughed. "Well, no that's not what I mean, I've just seen a lot of stupid things young people have done, I've done most of them myself.
]]]


[[
Charles nodded. "So, after this pretty girl you decided you needed a change?"
There was a flicker of hesitation as the woman tilted her head and seemed to look though her companion. "Something like that." She quickly said, seeming to snap back. Even her eyes had resumed their delighted shine.
]]

"Well old Chuck is more than welcome

Wait a second...'Chuck' is the guys name...navy seal training. Mention about 'spooks'. He isn't Sam from Burn Notice is he? Because I see Bruce Campbell pulling out a chainsaw and trying to cut her head off now.

[Hahahaha!
[Got it in one!

Mr. Finley!

OK now I feel uncomfortable...Ash vs Succubus...I'd say Succubus wins in this instance but Ash is Ash and he does have a near one hundred percent kill rate on supernatural entities.

[Awww, why do they have to fight?
[Also Chuck is quite the ladies man ;p

"Well, we like to

Hmm..."we". Interesting. I don't know about the whole we. At points it feels like the brood is becoming more separate entities and powerhouses with only joint interests with the company...Then you go and have them being very loyal indeed. It's a interesting dynamic one I hope comes more to the fore later as I'm pretty sure in general that either the succubae will so infiltrate the company through the D program that it basically becomes a succubus agency outright or the company distances themselves a bit from the brood and becomes more distrustful. Again either way interesting.

[Exellent.
[That is a point of tension.
[And the senior officers are trying to adapt with the 5th NH Task Force.
[Which is a WIC unit made up of the brood and the other D program personnel.
[Basically a maneuver to incorporate the brood as a unit within the Company.

Crazy dames, you

'dames'? Is this suddenly a Nero Wolfe novel? Wouldn't he just say, 'bitch'? In fact these guys in general need a little more modern lowlife vibe they feel too roaring twentiesish before this point. After it you seemed to make them more modern day scumbag. Slightly incongruous.

[Awww. Bitch it is then.
[I'll blame Murdock on the 20's vibe.

Also Murdock again recaptures my interest. I do wonder what he wants to accomplish with this gift. What his plans are now. He's still the character I'm most interested in so props there. Hope he sticks around and doesn't die.

[Thanks.
[That was a very Murdock move.

"Apologies for the delay Lieutenant Patterson

This...is troubling. I would think a segment of the guys working for the company would have trouble seeing humans played with like that before being eaten and killed. Obviously with them being low-lives maybe not them being killed but being played with and tortured before they died I would think you'd have a couple who would look at that kind of behavior in disgust especially with the anti-NH thing they've been immersed in for however long. Ranma 'playing with her food' in such a manner is disturbing and should be raising some instincts and negative emotions in them. How much longer before she totally devalues human life and sees them entirely as props? Does she already feel that way? Her mother is keeping her grounded somewhat to humanity and seeing them as something to value I suppose but really who else is she really respecting and treating with love and trust? I don't know just feels like you're going to make her into an out and out monster if you keep taking this route. Yes, I know she's been a monster for awhile now but she was still a monster with a lot of redeeming qualities who while holding her interests paramount still did things to help others...Now she's diving down darker again just be careful with how far you take her or you'll risk making her too foreign morally to connect to.

[The problem is that she's done some real gruesome stuff already.
[And also done some very heroic stuff by fighting alongside the agents.

[As for love and trust.
[Well Jacob's whole method of recruiting Ranma was to build a bridge of trust and communication.

[As for becoming a darker monster, remember closer ties with the company can also bring her low.

[I'll add some more thoughts on the part of Patterson

[[
"Yes, but still, lovely little gift," Ranma smiled and bowed at the waist to the waiting agents behind her sisters. "Apologies for the delay Lieutenant Patterson, I promise I'll make it up to you and your men."
Patterson looked up and met her gaze. "I'm sure we can work out some training," he said, his voice and eyes steady. The carnage was bad, but that's what happens when one tugs the tiger's tail. It was especially one sided, these were punks, at least cultists had an idea what they were up against.
He turned to his men and took a read of their expressions. Porter seemed a bit green about the gills. Franklin had worked with the brood before and seemed more contemptuous of the punk's foolishness than anything else. Only Ramirez was frowning with disapproval and distaste. Though it might be at the thought of having to stay and guard the alley until he cleaners came.
The lieutenant was reminded of the bank robbery that Red, the late Aram and Gabriel had foiled. She didn't eat anyone that time. Then again the Company did set her loose in an Assembly base where she gleefully slaughtered them by the dozens. Compared to that the cleanup and containment for this would go much quicker.
Blissful almost dazed, Ranma happily nodded before turning to Eve. "Shall we go?" She looked as she did before, perfectly polished and poised. There were only two changes: her form had bulged out, gravid with food, and she bore Murdock's silver tie clasp nestled upon her chest.

***************
]]

cooling pastries."

Floating quotation mark.

[Got it..

"Mmm, now dear, you wanted to be mature, be the mommy. I'm only helping.

Disturbing Nodoka is disturbing.

[Hehe. The link between Ranma and Nodoka is a two-way one.

All in all a interesting interlude. Not as good as the other ones really because I just felt a lot less was accomplished and it didn't strike me as particularly cute or as memorable. It really needed better framing at the start more then anything the first quarter felt really weird and very poorly framed with poor dialgoue and description of setting. It picked up nicely after that though.

[We'll see how the revisions help.
[I can see how that bad beginning really weakened the whole experience.

[Thanks for the comments

[They're greatly appreciated and I hope this makes for a more satisfying read.

[The corrections are in V3a and should be uploaded now.

[frice2000]

Much better flowing beginning now. Feels much better grounded and I understood what was going to come later so this feels like a much better story now.

"Perhaps solving the Tsukino situation

Speaking of 'Tsukino' I do hope we get some more of how she's dealing with everything. So much of the initial chapters of this story had her dealing with the loss as well as Ranma's growing succubushood but for the last handful of chapters that focus has slid more and more to Ranma. I'd like to see Usagi a bit more. I guess really I haven't been a fan of the whole Serenity/Minako-armor thing and I'd just like to see some more personality out of her. But that's a problem for later nothing off here, though I do wish some of the romance seeds with Ranma would at least start budding if not bearing fruit in the near future.

Clearer?

Far far better and more meaningful now...Though you know I'd think succubi in general wouldn't be ones to overthink and make massive Machiavellian plans. Ranma, Darksky, Eve, and succubi leadership should be shown as a bit more of an exception with possibly their corresponding broods more forward thinking. Thought we'd have Cecilia as a more happy go lucky standard sort of typical succubus in contrast, which there is to an extent, but that seems to be developing differently then I expected. Not that there's something wrong with that just the whole sex demon thing seems to preclude at least some of all this background politics and lead to a more heathen lifestyle I would expect...Though Ranma and Eve's circumstances are far from what one would likely consider typical for succubi in your universe so that makes some sense.

I've done a few changes to the first scene and the descriptions and setup.
[I think the dialog tweaking also helps shift the tone to more of what I want.

Much nicer flow and far more in character throughout this intro now very welcome changes.

The ankle-length shimmering purple silk gown stuck out

Cute outfit description...The only problem I'm having is seeing the 'Ranma' in the 'Sunny' here. A slight discomfort about not being able to quickly and easily fight in said outfit might be appropriate or at least considered or mentioned. I know she can do clothing manipulation but is that really fast enough if she's suddenly attacked by something high powered? Special occasions and controlled conditions are fine and I guess being at home in the dojo with company resources protecting her would make her more calm in regards to this but could use some hesitation really.

Also same scene I do wonder what Kasumi's outlook on the growing demonization that is Ranma. She met him as someone who she technically agreed to be her fiancee and while she obviously didn't take it as seriously as a canon Kasumi would I'm just curious as to what she thinks of the feminine sexual creature she sees now...Think she could use some more scenes. Not in this interlude no, but in coming chapters...She was a big part of this story and she has been overly marginalized. Her sisters well-being really should have her more in the spotlight and her own humanity, however twisted, would make a nice counterpoint to Ranma's growing demonesshood especially with Ranma's casual murders later.

As I was pretty certain there would be a lot of attachment to it.

Well loyal pure only-manga readers would be telling both of us to shove it she has black/pink/orange/blue/red/aquamarine hair so... . Also redheads are infinitely better looking then blondes. That's my first experience of sex sells with a redhead in a shower advertising for Irish Spring when I was about 9 or 10 though...Damned effective ad though as I still buy the soap and expect a redhead to suddenly appear in my shower using it. This has sadly yet to occur.

She quickly said, seeming to snap back. Even her eyes had resumed their delighted shine.

I'd like a bit more of a struggle here just because she's entering a standard succubus/huntress mindset now. Before you could argue much of what she did was for the benefit of her daughters and to make sure they were emotionally well adjusted. This is for herself now and that is a big departure. Not saying what you have written doesn't work and I can read this seeing what you have written and changed now as very plausible...but still just think it'd be a bigger deal to her.

[Awww, why do they have to fight?
[Also Chuck is quite the ladies man ;p

Hey it's kinda sorta Bruce Campbell he has to fight or you aren't using him properly . Hell I thought he'd come out when the goons were around and do something bad ass rather then Ranma dealing with them and THEN use that so he is the one to seduce Sunny. If anyone can it's him!

I just imagined him walking out with his gun drawn and defeating them in a smug and cocky manner and then putting his hands around the now for some reason highly appreciative and impressed succubi and taking ALL of them back to his hotel room for some loving...Hey it could happen. Here I typed up a junk omake for the hell of it see this is what should've really happened:

Junk "If that was REALLY Chuck Finley" Omake typed up in 5 minutes by Bree R.

Not taking her eyes off the men, Eve suppressed a sigh. "You want to play, then?" she asked Ranma.

The trio blinked with the two flanking men looking to their leader. "Don't think you can get away!" he shouted.

"Now now didn't your mother ever teach you it isn't nice to threaten a nice sophisticated set of ladies like these?" Chuck Finley asked approaching from the opposite direction seemingly having come through the wall.

"Chuck?!" Sunny asked bewildered. Turning to Eve she quietly sniped, "How exactly did he get through Patterson's team?" Overhearing Chuck only laughed softly.

"Those guys in the grey uniforms? Heh, they might be nice guys but they're nowhere near my level. Did a classic Mike inspired misdirection."

"Damn it! None of you are taking this seriously enough. You see this! It's a big damned knife! And I'm going to cut all your heads off with it." Mort proclaimed angrily before tears came into his eyes. "The least you could do is at least pretend to act afraid."

"Hey man! Don't worry we'll kill the guy and make the girls squeal don't let them get you down." Lenny said patting Mort on the back.

"Err...actually maybe Murdock was just laughing at us huh sis?" Eve said amused.

"Now, now the ladies and myself know not to worry about trash." Charles said icily. The succubae only rolled their eyes at the posturing the humans were going through. "Now if you would be so kind ladies I'll take out the trash for you...especially if I get a extra little gift later." Chuck winked at the ladies causing them to uncontrollably swoon before shaking their heads shocked they had been effected by such blatant macho male charm.

"Look Chuck I didn't call you in to get hurt we can handle..." Cecilia began flustered and blushing at a almost human level but Chuck Finley only shook his head. "Don't worry just give me five minutes with these guys."

Five minutes later.

All of the attacking men were on the ground bleeding from a few wounds but alive. The succubae were all attached to Chuck's body hugging and cuddling with him.

"That was the most impressive and indescribable piece of martial arts and soldiering I've ever seen..." Eve commented before kissing Chuck on the cheek.

"I told you he was a manly man." Cecilia swooned from her position on Chuck's other arm.

"Yum...Sorry about before honey...Will you be my sensei in the Art?" Sunny said burrowing deeper into Chuck's chest fiddling with his nipple briefly before kissing him. "And show me those big muscles in better detail?"

"Heh of course. Now then ladies why don't we go back to my motel room and I can show you all a few...moves."

"Oh of course Charles!" the three succubae said dreamily walking out of the alley all hanging onto Chuck's body and past Patterson's arriving men.

"What just happened?" Ramirez asked looking over the unconscious men.

"God damn I hate ex-Seals." Paterson grumbled.

The problem is that she's done some real gruesome stuff already.
[And also done some very heroic stuff by fighting alongside the agents.

Don't think you're properly giving this the weight it deserves and the departure it demonstrates from her previous behavior. Yes, Ranma has done some gritty, disgusting, inhuman stuff before but all of those she did this to were either direct threats to her family, friends, loved ones, or innocents. These goons were so far below her level that they weren't even a speed bump. She basically just killed, tortured, and ate a guy while he was still alive that she could've knocked out or just killed in three seconds. Killing them and then eating them believable. What she did do though...Should scare her and scare her deeply. You did a nice change with the company guys reacting to seeing the scene but if it was me I'd have her look at:

Only Ramirez was frowning with disapproval and distaste.

Ramirez here and look at what she has just done and be if not horrified of it surprised and a tad shaken. Maybe even apologizing a bit. Or even getting angry at him for reminding her of what she is now and looking at her like she's a monster. You could do some nice drama with this scene and you should because in my opinion this is a massive piece of character development for Sunny. It doesn't 'damn' her as an evil person but she should see it as something that is a million yards from anything she would even possibly consider as Ranma. The other stuff like I said she could defend as just defending her brood and their best interests. This borders closely on out and out slaughter and mayhem simply for the joy of it.

We'll see how the revisions help.
[I can see how that bad beginning really weakened the whole experience.

Definitively do a much better reading experience now.

A thought that struck me reading through this was your second Interlude, "Girl Talk". I was just thinking with how Sunny met Sailor Sun there that it would be nice to have another where Sunny met a Ranma from a very canon male worldview timeline or universe. That's not something you usually write but I do think it'd be interesting especially with the whole murder aspect here to see what that Ranma would think of Sunny. Would I think give the story some nice introspection and perspective moving forward. Don't get me wrong like this story but I do think something could be said of that conflict playing out a bit. Would also be interesting to see how you'd write a canon Ranma it's not something I've ever read you do and I think with what you do to the guy it would just be intriguing to see your approach. Anyway, that's just fodder of something I would like to see at some point.

On the complete otherhand...still want Murdock to be a succubus. Still think you missed the boat there especially if Murdock then uses that form and somehow has a counter for the more emotional binding parts and goes off on her own. Again just what I'd like to see.

Anyway, much better story now feels much more vivid and important in the context of things. Again, do think it could use some more emotional resonance but overall good.

[Sunshine Temple]

frice2000



Much better flowing beginning now. Feels much better grounded and I understood what was going to come later so this feels like a much better story now.

[Excellent. Thanks for the critiques that's what got it brought together.

"Perhaps solving the Tsukino situation

Speaking of 'Tsukino' I do hope we get some more of how she's dealing with everything. So much of the initial chapters of this story had her dealing with the loss as well as Ranma's growing succubushood but for the last handful of chapters that focus has slid more and more to Ranma. I'd like to see Usagi a bit more. I guess really I haven't been a fan of the whole Serenity/Minako-armor thing and I'd just like to see some more personality out of her. But that's a problem for later nothing off here, though I do wish some of the romance seeds with Ranma would at least start budding if not bearing fruit in the near future.

[Yes, the focus will give more attention to Usagi.
[Especially given some of the trials she's going to face.

Clearer?

Far far better and more meaningful now...Though you know I'd think succubi in general wouldn't be ones to overthink and make massive Machiavellian plans. Ranma, Darksky, Eve, and succubi leadership should be shown as a bit more of an exception with possibly their corresponding broods more forward thinking. Thought we'd have Cecilia as a more happy go lucky standard sort of typical succubus in contrast, which there is to an extent, but that seems to be developing differently then I expected. Not that there's something wrong with that just the whole sex demon thing seems to preclude at least some of all this background politics and lead to a more heathen lifestyle I would expect...Though Ranma and Eve's circumstances are far from what one would likely consider typical for succubi in your universe so that makes some sense.

[Well there's massive and there's massive.
[As you pointed out Ranma and Eve aren't typical.
[Eve is a WIC officer, and Ranma is in many ways Eve's protégée.
[Then add in Ranma's past life as DarkStar and the situation she finds herself in now.

[Cecilia is more of the "typical" type. Indeed that's part of why she was brought in.
[To be the more "normal" sister.

I've done a few changes to the first scene and the descriptions and setup.
[I think the dialog tweaking also helps shift the tone to more of what I want.

Much nicer flow and far more in character throughout this intro now very welcome changes.

[Great!

The ankle-length shimmering purple silk gown stuck out

Cute outfit description...The only problem I'm having is seeing the 'Ranma' in the 'Sunny' here. A slight discomfort about not being able to quickly and easily fight in said outfit might be appropriate or at least considered or mentioned. I know she can do clothing manipulation but is that really fast enough if she's suddenly attacked by something high powered? Special occasions and controlled conditions are fine and I guess being at home in the dojo with company resources protecting her would make her more calm in regards to this but could use some hesitation really.

[[
Eve gave a little smile. "Conditional threat. If X then Y, 'I may have to shoot that person.' " She frowned into her coffee and looked up at Ranma. "My, is that how you've been feeling? Constantly on? Continuously waiting and readying yourself?"
Holding her knees together, Ranma coughed. This was part of why she found the long hem of her dress troublesome. Sure she could simply morph out of the dress, but in a fight that would be a split second delay. "Well, it's not like I was alone. We all feel that way."
]]

[[
Stepping forward, the brood mother found narrow almost pencil-skirt style gown caused her to take short little steps, especially when combined with her shoes. A tinge of anxiety borne of how hobbled she was combat-wise swam in the sea of contentment that filled her.
]]


Also same scene I do wonder what Kasumi's outlook on the growing demonization that is Ranma. She met him as someone who she technically agreed to be her fiancee and while she obviously didn't take it as seriously as a canon Kasumi would I'm just curious as to what she thinks of the feminine sexual creature she sees now...Think she could use some more scenes. Not in this interlude no, but in coming chapters...She was a big part of this story and she has been overly marginalized. Her sisters well-being really should have her more in the spotlight and her own humanity, however twisted, would make a nice counterpoint to Ranma's growing demonesshood especially with Ranma's casual murders later.

[Her role her is a part of a plan to bring her more to the forefront.
[As I tried to show more of how her relationship with Ranma has evolved.

As I was pretty certain there would be a lot of attachment to it.

Well loyal pure only-manga readers would be telling both of us to shove it she has black/pink/orange/blue/red/aquamarine hair so... . Also redheads are infinitely better looking then blondes. That's my first experience of sex sells with a redhead in a shower advertising for Irish Spring when I was about 9 or 10 though...Damned effective ad though as I still buy the soap and expect a redhead to suddenly appear in my shower using it. This has sadly yet to occur.

[Heh.

She quickly said, seeming to snap back. Even her eyes had resumed their delighted shine.

I'd like a bit more of a struggle here just because she's entering a standard succubus/huntress mindset now. Before you could argue much of what she did was for the benefit of her daughters and to make sure they were emotionally well adjusted. This is for herself now and that is a big departure. Not saying what you have written doesn't work and I can read this seeing what you have written and changed now as very plausible...but still just think it'd be a bigger deal to her.

[For herself is key.
[Which was the brood's drive here. To get Ranma to do something for herself.
[Granted the brood's ulterior motive here is pretty blatant given the activities and styles they nudge Ranma towards.

[Awww, why do they have to fight?
[Also Chuck is quite the ladies man ;p

Hey it's kinda sorta Bruce Campbell he has to fight or you aren't using him properly . Hell I thought he'd come out when the goons were around and do something bad ass rather then Ranma dealing with them and THEN use that so he is the one to seduce Sunny. If anyone can it's him!

[Hahaha
[Oh, Brisco County Jr.
[There is a reason I had him be Sunny's first... well almost.

I just imagined him walking out with his gun drawn and defeating them in a smug and cocky manner and then putting his hands around the now for some reason highly appreciative and impressed succubi and taking ALL of them back to his hotel room for some loving...Hey it could happen. Here I typed up a junk omake for the hell of it see this is what should've really happened:

[Well, Cecilia certainly likes him.
[And Eve was intrigued ;p

Junk "If that was REALLY Chuck Finley" Omake typed up in 5 minutes by Bree R.

Not taking her eyes off the men, Eve suppressed a sigh. "You want to play, then?" she asked Ranma.

The trio blinked with the two flanking men looking to their leader. "Don't think you can get away!" he shouted.

"Now now didn't your mother ever teach you it isn't nice to threaten a nice sophisticated set of ladies like these?" Chuck Finley asked approaching from the opposite direction seemingly having come through the wall.

[Haha. Oh that's such a good line. I can hear it in his voice.

"Chuck?!" Sunny asked bewildered. Turning to Eve she quietly sniped, "How exactly did he get through Patterson's team?" Overhearing Chuck only laughed softly.

"Those guys in the grey uniforms? Heh, they might be nice guys but they're nowhere near my level. Did a classic Mike inspired misdirection."

[Mike-inspired

"Damn it! None of you are taking this seriously enough. You see this! It's a big damned knife! And I'm going to cut all your heads off with it." Mort proclaimed angrily before tears came into his eyes. "The least you could do is at least pretend to act afraid."

"Hey man! Don't worry we'll kill the guy and make the girls squeal don't let them get you down." Lenny said patting Mort on the back.

[Heh. Poor Mooks.


"Err...actually maybe Murdock was just laughing at us huh sis?" Eve said amused.

"Now, now the ladies and myself know not to worry about trash." Charles said icily. The succubae only rolled their eyes at the posturing the humans were going through. "Now if you would be so kind ladies I'll take out the trash for you...especially if I get a extra little gift later." Chuck winked at the ladies causing them to uncontrollably swoon before shaking their heads shocked they had been effected by such blatant macho male charm.

"Look Chuck I didn't call you in to get hurt we can handle..." Cecilia began flustered and blushing at a almost human level but Chuck Finley only shook his head. "Don't worry just give me five minutes with these guys."

Five minutes later.

All of the attacking men were on the ground bleeding from a few wounds but alive. The succubae were all attached to Chuck's body hugging and cuddling with him.

"That was the most impressive and indescribable piece of martial arts and soldiering I've ever seen..." Eve commented before kissing Chuck on the cheek.

[Heh. So Charles has a dream sequence ;p

"I told you he was a manly man." Cecilia swooned from her position on Chuck's other arm.

"Yum...Sorry about before honey...Will you be my sensei in the Art?" Sunny said burrowing deeper into Chuck's chest fiddling with his nipple briefly before kissing him. "And show me those big muscles in better detail?"

[Funny that I find Eve's line more out of character than Sunny's ;p

"Heh of course. Now then ladies why don't we go back to my motel room and I can show you all a few...moves."

"Oh of course Charles!" the three succubae said dreamily walking out of the alley all hanging onto Chuck's body and past Patterson's arriving men.

"What just happened?" Ramirez asked looking over the unconscious men.

"God damn I hate ex-Seals." Paterson grumbled.

[Hehe.

The problem is that she's done some real gruesome stuff already.
[And also done some very heroic stuff by fighting alongside the agents.

Don't think you're properly giving this the weight it deserves and the departure it demonstrates from her previous behavior. Yes, Ranma has done some gritty, disgusting, inhuman stuff before but all of those she did this to were either direct threats to her family, friends, loved ones, or innocents. These goons were so far below her level that they weren't even a speed bump. She basically just killed, tortured, and ate a guy while he was still alive that she could've knocked out or just killed in three seconds. Killing them and then eating them believable. What she did do though...Should scare her and scare her deeply. You did a nice change with the company guys reacting to seeing the scene but if it was me I'd have her look at:

[Hmmm.
[And also another think that could scare her is that this wasn't her going off in a fit of rage.
[She was in full control and considered her options here.

Only Ramirez was frowning with disapproval and distaste.

Ramirez here and look at what she has just done and be if not horrified of it surprised and a tad shaken. Maybe even apologizing a bit. Or even getting angry at him for reminding her of what she is now and looking at her like she's a monster. You could do some nice drama with this scene and you should because in my opinion this is a massive piece of character development for Sunny. It doesn't 'damn' her as an evil person but she should see it as something that is a million yards from anything she would even possibly consider as Ranma. The other stuff like I said she could defend as just defending her brood and their best interests. This borders closely on out and out slaughter and mayhem simply for the joy of it.

[Well that's embarrassing, Ramirez is actually dead.
[I got him confused with Stockton. An agent that had been wounded in the Number's last attack.

[I can flesh that out.

[[
He turned to his men and took a read of their expressions. Porter seemed a bit green about the gills. Franklin had worked with the brood before and seemed more contemptuous of the punk's foolishness than anything else. Only Stockton was frowning with disapproval and distaste. Though it might be at the thought of having to stay and guard the alley until he cleaners came.
The lieutenant was reminded of the bank robbery that Red, the late Aram and Gabriel had foiled. She didn't eat anyone that time. Then again the Company did set her loose in an Assembly base where she gleefully slaughtered them by the dozens. Compared to that the cleanup and containment for this would go much quicker.
Blissful almost dazed, Ranma happily nodded before turning to Eve. "Shall we go?" She looked as she did before, perfectly polished and poised. There were only two changes: her form had bulged out, gravid with food, and she bore Murdock's silver tie clasp nestled upon her chest.
Looking demurely content, she looked at the agents; a frown fluttered across her face. The demoness made a show of turning and looking back at the alleyway and inspecting the carnage. It could have been worse. When she had reformed her dress she had pulled most of the... mess in with her, scrubbing as she went.
Idly sniffing the air, she zeroed in on the most apprehensive of the agents.
"Red?" Patterson asked as she glided past.
"She's just checking something out, Lieutenant," Eve assured as she straightened up herself.
Approaching Stockton, Ranma looked at his stance and how the black-haired man held his arms. "It's good to see you on active duty. Was the recovery difficult?"
Stiffing his back and keeping his eyes on her, Franz Stockton shook his head. "No Ma'am, turret rounds went through and through. Bleed bad but could have been a lot worse. Spent more time getting my muscles to mend than anything else." His tone was stiff but undercut with pride.
"I'm glad." Smiling, Ranma reached out, but then pulled her hand back and clasped it before her. "The Russians..." she shook her head. "Not to mention what happened to Green and Gold team."
"Green is making a comeback," Stockton assured, as Porter and Franklin nodded in agreement.
Ranma glanced back again. "I am sorry," she eventually said, softly seemingly surprised with herself.
"Ma'am."
The demoness' smile returned. "Such a useful phrase."
"Yes, Ma'am." Stockton nodded to himself, approving her answer. "Sorry for what, Ma'am?"
A blonde eyebrow rose. "For inconveniencing you all. I shouldn't have indulged in such a messy way."
"I'd rather this than babysitting those Pattern Silvers," Patterson added, glancing at Stockton. Normally, he would end his subordinate's line of questioning, but the officer was curious too.
"You could have taken them out and feed later," Stockton suggested.
"Yes, I'm sure you'd be far more comfortable playing the deliverymen. Ranma laughed. "Going to stock our larder too?"
Ranma looked down. She was still in all her finery. Ruffles and pearls replaced blood and claws so smoothly that they were too sides to the same coin. "No, this is better... for you."
Stockton narrowed his eyes fractionally. "Yes. Enjoy the rest of your evening, Ma'am."

***************
]]

[Not sure I have Ranma's emotional state quite right, but I think this is closer.

We'll see how the revisions help.
[I can see how that bad beginning really weakened the whole experience.

Definitively do a much better reading experience now.

[Very good.

A thought that struck me reading through this was your second Interlude, "Girl Talk". I was just thinking with how Sunny met Sailor Sun there that it would be nice to have another where Sunny met a Ranma from a very canon male worldview timeline or universe. That's not something you usually write but I do think it'd be interesting especially with the whole murder aspect here to see what that Ranma would think of Sunny. Would I think give the story some nice introspection and perspective moving forward. Don't get me wrong like this story but I do think something could be said of that conflict playing out a bit. Would also be interesting to see how you'd write a canon Ranma it's not something I've ever read you do and I think with what you do to the guy it would just be intriguing to see your approach. Anyway, that's just fodder of something I would like to see at some point.

[

On the complete otherhand...still want Murdock to be a succubus. Still think you missed the boat there especially if Murdock then uses that form and somehow has a counter for the more emotional binding parts and goes off on her own. Again just what I'd like to see.

[Heh.
[Hmmm... well Murdock is resourceful.

Anyway, much better story now feels much more vivid and important in the context of things. Again, do think it could use some more emotional resonance but overall good.

[Very good.
[Maybe this last batch of corrections will help with that aspect.

[Updated with V3b

[frice2000]

A tinge of anxiety borne of how hobbled she was combat-wise

Nice additions there...also since it's one of the first times she's worn such in depth clothes it'd make sense that she'd be a little overwhelmed by all of the elaborate pieces and such too now that I think of that. Heh..would be cute if she tried in the later scene to reform her pretty dress and botched it because she just didn't remember all of the intricate small pieces .

And also another think that could scare her is that this wasn't her going off in a fit of rage.
[She was in full control and considered her options here.

There's that too true. She wanted to eat them because she now likes the taste of human...She didn't need to to survive. Also considering that before this I remember points where the brood made it a big deal that they could gorge on animals and demons rather then using humans, and this is a departure from that viewpoint as well.

The lieutenant was reminded of the bank robbery that Red, the late Aram and Gabriel had foiled. She didn't eat anyone that time. Then again the Company did set her loose in an Assembly base where she gleefully slaughtered them by the dozens. Compared to that the cleanup and containment for this would go much quicker.

Umm...are all company officers this flat in regards to something that should tickle their morals and humanity? Seems too logical. Yes, as a military man assigned to them that should be his first concern but then what are his personal thoughts? Just find it hard to believe that a human, unless slightly psychotic, regardless of training could stand seeing someone eaten while still alive and just shrug their metaphoric shoulders.

Idly sniffing the air, she zeroed in on the most apprehensive of the agents.
"Red?" Patterson asked as she glided past.
"She's just checking something out, Lieutenant," Eve assured as she straightened up herself.
Approaching Stockton, Ranma looked at his stance and how the black-haired man held his arms. "It's good to see you on active duty. Was the recovery difficult?"
Stiffing his back and keeping his eyes on her

Very nice. Got bits of manipulative sex demon and parts of actual concern and who is to know which is more true. Nicely written.

[Not sure I have Ranma's emotional

Do think she might bring this up with her mother later and ask her if she thinks that she went too far. Actually could see her discussing the entire evening with her mother might be a nice additional scene at some point either here or in the future. Could add yet more emotional resonance to this.

Heh.
[Hmmm... well Murdock is resourceful.

The thing I'm thinking for that is well Sunny doesn't bind and rewrite her children. Sure her children initially feel a lot of love for their new mother and for the initial interaction be very open and welcoming and not be able to resist the love impulses...But later think someone with enough will would be able to cut themselves off from their succubus mommy and while they may find it immensely difficult betray her. It would be interesting to read that especially since that might make the other succubae a bit more hesitant with things like the D program would be a nice bit of drama down the road. Could see Murdock setting up circumstances so that he knows he's going to get badly injured while in their company and setting up for later manipulations.

Again nice much more emotionally resonant. Far stronger then the initial draft find it quite a good read now.

[Cheb]

I don't know how it was before the rewrite, but now it flows really smooth. Makes you feel the "vacation".


Not to mention the feel of that great -- and growing -- distance separating Ranma from what she was before.


The only ytpo I could find is this:
>that they were too sides to the same coin. "No, this is better... for you."
Two?

Cheb has learned three new words: to snap back, periwinkle, carafe.

[Sunshine Temple]

frice2000

A tinge of anxiety borne of how hobbled she was combat-wise

Nice additions there...also since it's one of the first times she's worn such in depth clothes it'd make sense that she'd be a little overwhelmed by all of the elaborate pieces and such too now that I think of that. Heh..would be cute if she tried in the later scene to reform her pretty dress and botched it because she just didn't remember all of the intricate small pieces .

[Heh.
[Though from the fanart pics of the dress it's not too, too overly elaborate ;p
[hmmm... it would be funny, but not sure if that fits the tone.

And also another think that could scare her is that this wasn't her going off in a fit of rage.
[She was in full control and considered her options here.

There's that too true. She wanted to eat them because she now likes the taste of human...She didn't need to to survive. Also considering that before this I remember points where the brood made it a big deal that they could gorge on animals and demons rather then using humans, and this is a departure from that viewpoint as well.

[She's liked the taste of humans for a while.
[Though to be fair, succubae still taste better to her.
[By succubus standards humans are pretty bland compared to demons.

[Actually the point Ranma made was that she preferred to feed by killing someone than seducing and draining that way. So that's the departure, that and Ranma feeding from a lower order threat.

The lieutenant was reminded of the bank robbery that Red, the late Aram and Gabriel had foiled. She didn't eat anyone that time. Then again the Company did set her loose in an Assembly base where she gleefully slaughtered them by the dozens. Compared to that the cleanup and containment for this would go much quicker.

Umm...are all company officers this flat in regards to something that should tickle their morals and humanity? Seems too logical. Yes, as a military man assigned to them that should be his first concern but then what are his personal thoughts? Just find it hard to believe that a human, unless slightly psychotic, regardless of training could stand seeing someone eaten while still alive and just shrug their metaphoric shoulders.

[Just most of them.
[Consider the other officer's we've seen. Eve, Kasumi, Jacob.

[Look at Kasumi's inducement into the company. "Slightly psychotic" is a plus for the recruiters.

Idly sniffing the air, she zeroed in on the most apprehensive of the agents.
"Red?" Patterson asked as she glided past.
"She's just checking something out, Lieutenant," Eve assured as she straightened up herself.
Approaching Stockton, Ranma looked at his stance and how the black-haired man held his arms. "It's good to see you on active duty. Was the recovery difficult?"
Stiffing his back and keeping his eyes on her

Very nice. Got bits of manipulative sex demon and parts of actual concern and who is to know which is more true. Nicely written.

[Excellent.
[Ranma is real fun to write when she's "vamping"

[Not sure I have Ranma's emotional

Do think she might bring this up with her mother later and ask her if she thinks that she went too far. Actually could see her discussing the entire evening with her mother might be a nice additional scene at some point either here or in the future. Could add yet more emotional resonance to this.

[Hmmm. That would show Nodoka's changing views too.


[[
"Oh? What's wrong? I told her I had a wonderful time and that Mr. Finely was a true gentlemen. Just because I wasn't ready for... sex."
Eve broke into a smile at the brood mother's bashful blush. "That's not what has her worried."
"Does she think Murdock's stunt ruined things?"
Eve eyed the ruffled and aproned brood-mother. "You tell me. How did it make you feel?"
"Good." Ranma turned and neatened up a few items on the counter. "You know what they were trying to do. This was their business. Not my fault they got in over their head."
Eve tapped her chin. "You've been talking with Nodoka about it?"
Turning back, Ranma gave a little smile. "She was... worried that I drew things out but... that's different. I have done worse; we all have."
"Not Cecilia."
Ranma blinked. "Oh?"
"You see, it was her first."
Ranma laughed. "Hah! Really? Miss Seduction was a virgin? She's drained plenty of people."

]]

[[
"Well, I'll have to compliment your technique," Eve pulled herself up and with Ranma's attention diverted regained her composure. She could see Nodoka's pressure and guidance at work and wondered if this was how she was "correcting" her daughter. Was she nudging Ranma to a less violent, more domestic... more domesticated style? Or was the senior officer simply getting bleedback from Ranma's own maternal feelings.
Fussing over her happily purring daughter, Nodoka chuckled. "I am her mother. That and you and Cecilia did soften her up."

]]

Heh.
[Hmmm... well Murdock is resourceful.

The thing I'm thinking for that is well Sunny doesn't bind and rewrite her children. Sure her children initially feel a lot of love for their new mother and for the initial interaction be very open and welcoming and not be able to resist the love impulses...But later think someone with enough will would be able to cut themselves off from their succubus mommy and while they may find it immensely difficult betray her. It would be interesting to read that especially since that might make the other succubae a bit more hesitant with things like the D program would be a nice bit of drama down the road. Could see Murdock setting up circumstances so that he knows he's going to get badly injured while in their company and setting up for later manipulations.

[The new succubus would have to wait until she got old enough to handle being on her own.
[Also the idea of Ranma turning a person against there will is very... questionable.
[That's a very strong taboo for her, since she doesn't like violating a person's will like that.
[Also why she's very wary of too much seduction magic as that's another type of violation.
[And yes, she's still someone who quite enjoys killing and cannibalism ;p

Again nice much more emotionally resonant. Far stronger then the initial draft find it quite a good read now.

[Great. Thanks so much for the comments, as you see they've been a real help.
[Oh, do I have your permission to add the Omake to the end of the interlude?
[It is quite funny.

Cheb

I don't know how it was before the rewrite, but now it flows really smooth. Makes you feel the "vacation".


[Woo.
[Great that it captured that feeling.

Not to mention the feel of that great -- and growing -- distance separating Ranma from what she was before.


[It's part of the story. Given the pressures and body that she's in/under.

The only ytpo I could find is this:
>that they were too sides to the same coin. "No, this is better... for you."
Two?

[Correct.

Cheb has learned three new words: to snap back, periwinkle, carafe.


[Heh.

[Thanks!

[Uploaded this set of corrections to V3c

[frice2000]

[She's liked the taste of humans for a while.
[Though to be fair, succubae still taste better to her.

I just thought I remembered scenes where the brood is discussing not having to feed on humans fatally thanks to their other activities and how that was good considering they have friends that are human and all. The whole 'fleshbag' thing comes to mind from awhile back thought that was more of the mindset you were trying to make them have. This can easily evolve into...'Oh the human annoyed you and you killed them ok' kind of mentality. And while that could still be interesting to read it's just nowhere near what structure it seemed that you were setting up in the beginning. This isn't a natural seeming evolution on that dark road it's a sudden jump ahead. If you feel that isn't the case that's fine I can understand where you're coming from. It's not that I have a problem reading that kind of characterization I mean my favorite Urban fantasy series introduced the main character of the series by having her slaughter and likely partially consume the body of someone who threatened her kinds existence, it's just that doing this now doesn't seem fair to early characterization you established.

worried that I drew things out but... that's different. I have done worse

I really don't think so. Sure you've killed lots of people brutally but they were all legitimate threats to you and your children. This was basically a mouse threatening an elephant. The mouse might amuse the elephant and scare him when he jumps out of nowhere but the elephant can easily ignore the mouse or just crush it. The elephant has no reason to pick the mouse up with its trunk and slowly strangle it to death and bashing it into trees with more and more force just to see it suffer before it dies. Especially so if said elephant remembers what it was like being a mouse.

Other then that like the additions. Nodoka is a very interesting influence here. Not sure what your plan is for her going forward so it's interesting to see where she goes to.

Also the idea of Ranma turning a person against there will is very... questionable.
[That's a very strong taboo for her, since she doesn't like violating a person's will like that.

I can understand that coming from her not wanting to hurt someone that's now going to be her own species but with her own moral equivocation regarding killing people how much longer till she wonders: 'Well if I make someone a succubus I won't really have to kill them and it is superior to being a human so I should anyway.' Feels like you're moving very close to that point. If she does still have these morals knocking around inside her seeing them in practice more often would be a good thing. Do think you need to bring up some of her humanity or barring that ethics that still shines through her demonhood in coming chapters to really cement that is still the case because the evidence of such restraint hasn't been in recent chapters.

Oh, do I have your permission to add the Omake to the end of the interlude?
[It is quite funny.

Sure I have no problem with that. Glad you enjoyed it.

[Sunshine Temple]

frice2000

[She's liked the taste of humans for a while.
[Though to be fair, succubae still taste better to her.

I just thought I remembered scenes where the brood is discussing not having to feed on humans fatally thanks to their other activities and how that was good considering they have friends that are human and all.

[Er what? No... they never said that.
[Quite the opposite actually.
[Ranma was relieved that they had humans (and other sentients) they *could* feed on fatally, absolving them of the need to do the non-lethal but rapeish seductive feeding.



The whole 'fleshbag' thing comes to mind from awhile back thought that was more of the mindset you were trying to make them have. This can easily evolve into...'Oh the human annoyed you and you killed them ok' kind of mentality. And while that could still be interesting to read it's just nowhere near what structure it seemed that you were setting up in the beginning. This isn't a natural seeming evolution on that dark road it's a sudden jump ahead. If you feel that isn't the case that's fine I can understand where you're coming from. It's not that I have a problem reading that kind of characterization I mean my favorite Urban fantasy series introduced the main character of the series by having her slaughter and likely partially consume the body of someone who threatened her kinds existence, it's just that doing this now doesn't seem fair to early characterization you established.


[I think you're attaching too much to the species.
[Remember, the brood (Ranma included) prefers the taste of succubae.
[So it could just as easily be 'Oh the demon annoyed you and you killed them ok'

[Also even if Mort and his band was not a threat to Ranma, they still had murderous and worse intent towards her.
[But that's besides the point... Ranma's long long crossed the bridge of killing those that try to threaten her, and then eating them.

[Now the difference is that she had a bit more fun when she made the kill, and that her prey was not terribly competent.

worried that I drew things out but... that's different. I have done worse

I really don't think so. Sure you've killed lots of people brutally but they were all legitimate threats to you and your children. This was basically a mouse threatening an elephant. The mouse might amuse the elephant and scare him when he jumps out of nowhere but the elephant can easily ignore the mouse or just crush it. The elephant has no reason to pick the mouse up with its trunk and slowly strangle it to death and basshing it into trees with more and more force just to see it suffer before it dies. Especially so if said elephant remembers what it was like being a mouse.

[[
Turning back, Ranma gave a little smile. "She was... worried that I drew things out but... that's different. I have done worse.
"Really? These were basic street scum, and you seemed to... go with particular relish tonight."
Ranma's eyes clouded. "So? This wasn't the first time I've made it slow, and it's not the first time I've crushed someone like a bug. Remember the Assembly base? They weren't all Priests and Acolytes. Would you have rather I took prisoners or... what? Or how about all the broodlings, baby succubae that fell by the dozen, what about them?"
Eve gave a bittersweet little smile. "Are you sure I'm the right person to ask? Even with all you've done, all you've help me do torture Murdock, torture that poor little green-haired broodling of Alexia's, my hands are still far dirtier than yours."
"And you're the one worrying I crossed some line tonight." Ranma laughed. "Dirty hands? We all have those."
"Not Cecilia."
"Even with her feeding?"
"You know how gentle she is; she doesn't need to compel men towards her, especially when you consider what Alexia did to make her."
Ranma blinked and lowered her head. "Oh... so this would have been shocking."
"Yes, you see, tonight was her first."
]]

[Yes... Ranma is dangerously close to being a full blown monster.
[And it is a big concern how close to the edge she is.
[But... not quite in the way you're thinking.


Other then that like the additions. Nodoka is a very interesting influence here. Not sure what your plan is for her going forward so it's interesting to see where she goes to.

[Hehehe
[Oh yes, Nodoka has a plan.

[As for what it is, check out the fanart for this piece (And comment there too. Pat'd really like some).
[And while looking at that think of this line: " Was she nudging Ranma to a less violent, more domestic... more domesticated style?"

Also the idea of Ranma turning a person against there will is very... questionable.
[That's a very strong taboo for her, since she doesn't like violating a person's will like that.

I can understand that coming from her not wanting to hurt someone that's now going to be her own species but with her own moral equivocation regarding killing people how much longer till she wonders: 'Well if I make someone a succubus I won't really have to kill them and it is superior to being a human so I should anyway.' Feels like you're moving very close to that point. If she does still have these morals knocking around inside her seeing them in practice more often would be a good thing. Do think you need to bring up some of her humanity or barring that ethics that still shines through her demonhood in coming chapters to really cement that is still the case because the evidence of such restraint hasn't been in recent chapters.


[Eh? Ranma's not a succubus-supremacist.
[Especially given that Ranma has lectured Usagi about the strength and admiral traits of humanity.

[And she really doesn't like the idea of using turning as an alternative to lethal force.
[If she didn't she could have turned more than just three of Alexia's brood.
[Many of those succubae were weak enough that Ranma could have turned them to her brood. Instead... she killed them and ate 'em. (There's the whole moral issue of her actions there, given what Alexia's broodlings really were)
[She only turned Aurora because Ukyou begged her to.

[Also consider the statement that "equivocation" is bad for her.
[Yes, Ranma doesn't consider killing humans any worse than killing succubae.
[And really... why would she think otherwise?
[Killing one sentient species should have the same gravity as killing another.
[And this isn't new. She's seen human lives and succubus lives as equal in value for a long time.

[Though more important than the details is what you picked up on: the idea that she's finding it easier to reach the lethal force threshold.
[And yes that is a big concern and something that Eve is trying to broach.

[And Nodoka has her own scheme.

Oh, do I have your permission to add the Omake to the end of the interlude?
[It is quite funny.

Sure I have no problem with that. Glad you enjoyed it.

[Excellent.

[Additions in V3d

[PCHeintz72]

Hmmm... finally got to this, note what I mention might have been already covered, as I did not read previous reviews.

I'm glad Eve mentioned the issues with what they did in the alley, as I was fully prepared to let you know all of that in this review.

The issue is Ranma should not have needed reminding, even if he does tend to take Murdock in a lighter vein than just about anyone else.

BTW... not that it matters, but were you going to have them make sausages for breakfast the new or old way... actually, since they are in Canada, it might not matter, but the U.S. literally just about 2 weeks ago issued new mandates for how to cook and prepare sausage.

Not fond of the described dress style in this, perhaps it is personal taste, but I just don't see it as anything I'd like to see on a girl. Meh, to each their own.

[Sunshine Temple]

PCHeintz72

Hmmm... finally got to this, note what I mention might have been already covered, as I did not read previous reviews.

I'm glad Eve mentioned the issues with what they did in the alley, as I was fully prepared to let you know all of that in this review.

[Good.
[Did Eve cover them well?
[I do like the fun of having Eve be the voice of reason, though she is a monster so she knows what she's talking about.

The issue is Ranma should not have needed reminding, even if he does tend to take Murdock in a lighter vein than just about anyone else.

[He?
[Yes, their reaction was pretty light.

BTW... not that it matters, but were you going to have them make sausages for breakfast the new or old way... actually, since they are in Canada, it might not matter, but the U.S. literally just about 2 weeks ago issued new mandates for how to cook and prepare sausage.

[Huh, strange, but not surprising.
[Well they are pretty okay with raw meat anyway ;p

Not fond of the described dress style in this, perhaps it is personal taste, but I just don't see it as anything I'd like to see on a girl. Meh, to each their own.

[On the initial post there's a link to a fanart showing what it looks like.
[But if it's not the style you like.
[I did go for more "fluffy" than "sensual"

[Thanks for the comments, glad the concerns for the alley scene were covered.
[That is a pretty important event for Ranma

[frice2000]

If you read this before 4:28am EST on June 11 I've made extensive edits below. Just felt like the story was still missing something and in some rambles I constantly kept editing just came up with what's below. Not sure how you'll feel about it but I do think your story needs something like I have outlined if not here soon especially with Sunny evolving into the endgame of demonesshood at least morally.

crushed someone like a bug. Remember the Assembly base? They weren't all Priests and Acolytes. Would you have rather I took prisoners or... what? Or how about all the broodlings, baby succubae that fell by the dozen, what about t

Just thinking back to Girl Talk as an example, Sailor Sun would now be out and out trying to kill Sunny if they met again under these character changes. Don't know how i feel about the pacing considering that. The torture still feels frustratingly not weighty enough. If you have something planned for later ok just feel like it should be here. Something more needs to go here, probably at the end.

Ranma lost her innocence before this true but I still think a scene where she truly admits that out loud and is deeply saddened by it should happen. Her eyes clouding over in the most recent addition helps a lot in that regard its just that it feels approriate to go further. A lot further. Shes still a teen. Being comforted by her sister and mother and feeling a little lost and asking for advice feels natural especially since her children are not around right now to worry over. Ask for and receive help and love and forgiveness from Eve here. Not only does that show a very developed Ranma but it also showcases a very changed Eve. Ranma accepted being a succcubus for all the right reasons because she'd be damned morally without doing so but even doing the right thing she's damning herself anyway. Eve has a strong loving family and has changed inside. In regards to Ranma the fic as a whole still feels like its missing that scene and this in an otherwise bright spot and interlude could be a nice unexpected place to put it.

Really think you should go into small breakdown here. Have Sunny cry a little while holding onto Eve saying she never would have imagined doing the things shes done and that tonight was one of the worst things yet, but that it felt so natural so good. Maybe have Eve call her 'Sunny'. Have her pause and nod her head saying something like 'Yes, that's my name now. It used to be different. <Laugh>. I was a innocent kid named Ranma. Bit of an ass but a good heart he never would've done what I've had to do. He left....That's for the best. I'm whole with all of you, have her deeply embrace Eve and bless the change for giving her a wonderful sister, loving and loved daughters, and a purpose in life. Say that she'd change nothing but she feels like she's discarding who she used to be so readily that at times she knows it should scare her but the larger part of her now feels it's natural. Show us her vulnerable side, show us she still has deep emotions. Too much recently you've done shallow emotions with her and the succubae when you've established them as deeply emotive and empathic. Let's have a small showcase of that here. Show comfort in succubae terms through both mental, verbal, physical, and psychic connections between her and her brood. Show us more then love and sappy Succubus moms show us the person who has a scarred blistered soul. Show us how Eve has one too. Show how her children rely on her for her strength, support, and iron will. Showcase WHO and WHAT she is. Yes, she's a monster now but give us a reason to connect to her. Give us gravitas. You can have sympathy for the devil make us feel that here. Go deeper into your characters and the damage they've done to themselves. This interlude started happy and joyous end it not with Ranma happily baking, in a cute but ultimately slightly hollow scene, instead end with a truly emotional and affirming moment with her loved ones both thanking them all for the day and their love from yesterday but also with an undercurrent of melancholy and lost opportunities and innocence lost but love and connection found. Don't have the humans involved here. Make this very much a succubus event with her children coming in near the end because they sensed her emotional turmoil. Maybe the humans see it and are touched by it Kasumi feeling that maybe she's undervalued NH interaction and Nodoka feeling vindicated and very proud of her daughter and accepting her family and their love. Maybe have Ranma invite Nodoka over and include her. Maybe find a way to have her partially share the depth of emotions the brood is sharing.

This doesn't somehow break your story it just takes it deeper and it feels so natural to go there. It doesn't make Ranma less of a bad ass it makes her feel so much more realistic and solid to your readers. With the monster root you're going you really need to do something like this. Not only does it properly distance you entirely from who Ranma was and give you plausible free reign that I think even some of your harsher critics could say you've earned when put into this sort of context, it also elevates this story and chapter to something really special. Right now it's a very good read. Something like this makes it something I'd favorite and regard as immensely deep and as immensely gratifying to read after following the story for years. Gives your long time loyal readers a kick-ass moment that they can nod their heads at going, 'yeah these characters have traveled quite a distance'.

If you want to leave it as it sits I can respect that. It's very nicely written more then likely beyond anything I could write. It's just that I know you can do more with it. You can still make this chapter and thus the storyline to come a lot more special by turning a very dark and as you've said important moment into a affirming one.

[PCHeintz72]

If you read this before 4:28am EST on June 11 I've made extensive edits below

Actually, I generally download the first version, then wait until the final version posted on FF.NET. In the case of this story, I normally also reacquire the previous few chapters, since sometimes they get edited for corrections.




Another question... why the heck does Ranma need glasses?

[Dumbledork]

Finished reading the chapter. Quite interesting although there are some things I don't understand.

Why does Ranma look older in the last part when she's baking cookies? Can she change her age at will or what?

After the death of the thug there's also been a mention of adfditions to Ranma. Did she evolve?


An unrelated question. How's it going with 'Strained Harmony'?