LawOhkiMy biggest issue with this chapter is that you spend more time fretting over a dress that is an atrocity to all fashion that is or ever will be, than dealing with what is the important bit, in that Ranma casually tortures and eats someone alive without anyone blinking an eye.
[The person Ranma is confiding in is her sister (a professional torturer), and her mother (who ordered said sister to torture her ex husband and accepts said sister as a daughter).
[And Ranma has helped her sister torture people.
[As for eating people slowly and painfully, the boat sailed on that long ago (Alexia's death at Ranma's hands anyone? Alexia's baby minions...)
[Thus difference in this bit is more incremental. (When and how Ranma brutally kills and eats someone). And a good part of that end scene, which is still being revised does deal with that.
[But the whole idea of "OMG she eats people" uh....
[Let's look the first human Ranma kills.
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Winters had not disconnected, and from his inexpensive hotel room, Father Oslo listened carefully to the phone. For several seconds the priest only heard the sound of the other man's breathing. Then the roar of gunfire came through the speaker, reducing its true resonance. The brief mechanical noises of the action being worked preceded a follow-up shot.
This was followed by a splashing sound that quickly gave way to screaming. The cries of pain grew louder as they were joined by noises of tearing, ripping, and chewing. Disgust clearly marked on his face, Oslo started praying.
"Go with God, my son," he finished, disconnecting his phone. It was a miracle the device had lasted as long as it did, especially considering how gleeful that monster sounded with its… meal.
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[That's in chapter 11. So yeah... boat.... sailed.
[Granted, it's not casual, this man did try to kill Ukyou, but tortures and eats alive?
[Yes. Already done.
[Then again the folks in the Third Interlude were hired rapists. Winters was just a sniper.
[Not that they stood much of a chance against her... but it's not like Winters stood much of a chance either.
Dumbledork Finished reading the chapter. Quite interesting although there are some things I don't understand.
Why does Ranma look older in the last part when she's baking cookies? Can she change her age at will or what?
[An effect of her being more "Mom-like" and looking more like she could be old enough to have teenage daughters.
[I tried to put in hints that she was looking older during her date too.
[Should I emphasize those parts more?
After the death of the thug there's also been a mention of adfditions to Ranma. Did she evolve?
[There's getting a second pair of horns.
[Evolve in what way?
[I'm toying with a line of progression for succubae... but at high enough power levels they have full control over their forms.
[See BlackSky.
An unrelated question. How's it going with 'Strained Harmony'?
[I'm sorry to say but not too well.
[Just look at the delays on my "Front Burner" stories.
[Terribly sorry about that.
[Could you give the fanart piece a look?
[I know it's a bit of a push, but Pat does put work into them.
[Thanks for commenting.
PCHeintz72Actually, I generally download the first version, then wait until the final version posted on FF.NET. In the case of this story, I normally also reacquire the previous few chapters, since sometimes they get edited for corrections.
[I this case you might want to look at a latter version.
[At least after V3.
[The V2 draft had some major issues.
Another question... why the heck does Ranma need glasses?
[She doesn't. Stylistic.
[Dang... I can detail that more.
[In some stuff I have written for ch28 I have her occasionally wearing the glasses as a sort of "filter". Lessening the power of her gaze.
frice2000If you read this before 4:28am EST on June 11 I've made extensive edits below. Just felt like the story was still missing something and in some rambles I constantly kept editing just came up with what's below. Not sure how you'll feel about it but I do think your story needs something like I have outlined if not here soon especially with Sunny evolving into the endgame of demonesshood at least morally.
crushed someone like a bug. Remember the Assembly base? They weren't all Priests and Acolytes. Would you have rather I took prisoners or... what? Or how about all the broodlings, baby succubae that fell by the dozen, what about t
Just thinking back to Girl Talk as an example, Sailor Sun would now be out and out trying to kill Sunny if they met again under these character changes. Don't know how i feel about the pacing considering that. The torture still feels frustratingly not weighty enough. If you have something planned for later ok just feel like it should be here. Something more needs to go here, probably at the end.
[I'm not sure the torture is.
[Again look at the except from chapter 11.
[This is Ranma getting darker yes, but it's pretty incremental.
Ranma lost her innocence before this true but I still think a scene where she truly admits that out loud and is deeply saddened by it should happen. Her eyes clouding over in the most recent addition helps a lot in that regard its just that it feels approriate to go further. A lot further. Shes still a teen. Being comforted by her sister and mother and feeling a little lost and asking for advice feels natural especially since her children are not around right now to worry over. Ask for and receive help and love and forgiveness from Eve here. Not only does that show a very developed Ranma but it also showcases a very changed Eve. Ranma accepted being a succcubus for all the right reasons because she'd be damned morally without doing so but even doing the right thing she's damning herself anyway. Eve has a strong loving family and has changed inside. In regards to Ranma the fic as a whole still feels like its missing that scene and this in an otherwise bright spot and interlude could be a nice unexpected place to put it.
[Eve still tortures people. That part of her hasn't changed one iota.
[On the contrary she's teaching Ranma and bringing her closer to that world.
[Yes it's at the behest of "legitimate" state-endorsed actors, but Eve's still quite bad.
[That doesn't mean I don't like your following idea.
Really think you should go into small breakdown here. Have Sunny cry a little while holding onto Eve saying she never would have imagined doing the things shes done and that tonight was one of the worst things yet, but that it felt so natural so good. Maybe have Eve call her 'Sunny'. Have her pause and nod her head saying something like 'Yes, that's my name now. It used to be different. <Laugh>. I was a innocent kid named Ranma. Bit of an ass but a good heart he never would've done what I've had to do. He left....That's for the best. I'm whole with all of you, have her deeply embrace Eve and bless the change for giving her a wonderful sister,
<snip>
If you want to leave it as it sits I can respect that. It's very nicely written more then likely beyond anything I could write. It's just that I know you can do more with it. You can still make this chapter and thus the storyline to come a lot more special by turning a very dark and as you've said important moment into a affirming one.
[The bit with "not having the humans involved here" raises an interesting question with Nodoka.
[But I've been giving some hints with that.
[I considered giving a point by point response... but felt it was better to write out the scene.
[I think this addresses your concerns well.
"Drained yes, this was the first time she actually killed someone and tore out their organs."
"Good for her," Ranma nodded thoughtfully. "And here she was trying to setup my first time."
Eve raised an eyebrow.
"What?"
"It's just that you think her first time killing a man is a good thing."
Ranma sighed. "It had to happen eventually. Better like this." She looked at her clothes she wore, at the costume.
"Sounds more like something I'd say."
"I did make you my sister."
Eve felt the love pulse from Ranma's form, but she also felt a growing knot of anxiety.
"You know the first human I killed, I ate?" Ranma's tongue flicked across her lips. "I don't even know his name."
"Paladin, Earl Winters. Assembly of Man sniper," Eve automatically supplied.
"Yes, I remember that last part." Ranma's hand went to her side where the Demon Bane round hit, taking a shot meant for Ukyou. "That was..." She looked down over her clothes at the apron and ruffles and shoes. She could feel her hair and horns weighing down her head. Her lip quivered and her shoulders rose then slumped.
Eve nodded. "I've read the reports on the scene."
"It was the same! The man I killed tonight, slow, savoring." Sobbing, her face feel, her stance that of a woman under immense loads. "I've done it before, right from the start."
Scooping her in her arms, Eve embraced the shivering demon. "Tonight was different. You know what they wanted to do to you."
"That's not it, I've got no sympathy for hired rapists. I might have more for a soldier doing his job but that won't stop me. I'm in control." Soft giggles came out. "Self control won, but at the cost of the self."
"I'm scared because I can't blame the demon. I am the demon." Her voice was a tight whisper. "I can't blame some dark side of me taking control and having me do these things." She looked up and despite the filtering of the purple glasses her eyes locked onto Eve's. "We are in control. Everything I've done, I've done. It was all me. I made it happen, and with this body, my body I... liked it."
"Ranma?"
The demoness laughed. "I was a innocent kid named Ranma. Bit of an ass, a clueless dope really, but a good heart. He never would've done what I've had to do. He never had to face what I'd have done, the choices I had to make. I don't know what he would have done. He left....That's for the best. I don't think he could have handled it, not without..." Smiling, the redhead pulled into the hug and opened the floodgates. "I'm whole with all of you."
Eve's eyes widened the love and anxiety she had been feeling before was just a trickle, she was now under a torrent of emotive power. "Sunny?" she eventually gasped out.
The redheaded brood mother's eyes flashed. "That's a fake name, a name given as a joke. No. No, I'm Ranma. He left; he couldn't hack it. I stayed; I fought; I bled; I killed. I've sacrificed everything for my children. I won that name. It's mine. Mine." An almost growling edge entered her voice.
Eve barely noticed the words. Especially as the emotive equivalent pounded her. Ranma had been put into a crucible and much had been burned away: Her innocence, her humanity, his gender. But what remained was a tempered loving strength that stood and supported the whole brood.
The sensations grew and Eve felt the web of connections, the empathic bonds that ran out from Ranma. There was the bright channel that wrapped around the two of them, the throbbing beams that stretched out to her daughters. There were connections that reached out to Cecilia and her daughters, and, Eve noted with a blush, there were links with Sophie, Morgan, and Morison.
There was a smattering of other connections. Ones that when compared to the others seemed almost stunted and one-way. Two stuck out in Eve's mind. One that despite the limitations was still heavy and full of love that linked to Nodoka who was nearby and another that was fussed over had been broken but mended, that could only be to Kasumi. Eve sensed others ones that were less distinct but could guess that they went to Ranma's father, Nariko's father, her school-girl friends, many of the agents, and even Jacob.
Eve found herself falling into her sister's arms. Her mind drifted, floating on the flooding emotions coming from Ranma. Her experiences, her sacrifices had taken much from, but what remained and what was reinforced stood. Ranma stood. She supported her brood, but they in turn supported her. They gave her the drive to move forward.
The blonde pulled into the embrace and almost missed the redhead's question. "What?" Eve blinked, focusing her attention.
"Cecilia, I asked if she was worried?" The redhead frowned and helped Eve get up. "She seemed happy when you guys dropped me off here. How's she taking it, now?"
"You were thinking about her?"
"I was thinking about both of you." Ranma smiled. "But I know how you're feeling."
Eve blushed.
"Thanks for the help," Ranma squeezed her. "I have to know it's... worth it."
"It is," Eve assured. "For Cecilia... she's still thinking it over. It's a lot for her, she's not like us."
"Not killers you mean?" Ranma's eyes glinted. "She should be so lucky. I should go see her after breakfast."
[[
[The rest of the scene has also been modified to fit this sequence.
[But those changes are lesser than the preceding, which is all new material.
[Thanks for the comments.
[And I'm sure this will get some new comments so I can adjust it to be even better ;p
[Looking forward to that
[It's a bit spooky to see such in-depth thoughts and concerns for these characters.
[Changes uploaded with V3e