Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

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Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

Postby Crescent Pulsar R » Tue Mar 09, 2010 4:21 am

The story thus far

As you might recall, I said something about no more revisions and only making progress? Well, about that... Overall, I didn't change much, and there's still something that I'd like to fix (a discrepancy with how I use punctuation at the end of dialogue, which changed in the latter half of the third chapter), but it's been so long, working on this off and on, going over it over and over again, that I just had to update it as it is, now that a new chapter has been finished. Yes, just one, since I split the first chapter into two. I figure it will be easier for me to write chapters of that size, generally.

So, yeah. It's up to three chapters, again. I hope it's worth the wait. <_<;
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Re: Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

Postby frice2000 » Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:10 am

I don't like the interaction with Kasumi more then the interaction with Nabiki you had there previously. This version is missing some of the emotional byplay of the other version which made it feel far less powerful. As you have it written it feels like Ranma isn't really caring enough about losing his male form. The emotional breakdown of the other version was way better for that purpose though Nabiki's approach to helping Ranma deal with it was a little odd. What I really don't like about the change is that when I saw Kasumi come in I expected her to help out emotionally better then Nabiki did in your other version but instead she seemed more concerned about the furo and its water then helping out Ranma...That seems really odd wish you had her talk to Ranma more there felt really weird to have her ignore Ranma in that fashion. Thought when Kasumi was feeling warmth that it was going to be Ranma leaning into her which could have led to a cute little scene that would let you show some changes in Ranma's character. That she sought and received no emotional support felt slightly odd compared to your previous version however it is far more in character. But considering the massive change to her personality/image you are having her undergo it's odd to not have more character development there.

Like the Ryouga scenes there. Amazed with the water around he didn't change into his cursed form though. And he somehow knows Ranma from a previous life or is he just associating Ranma with the Senshi? Hope its the latter really.

I am quite interested to see how Happosai/Genma responds to this being permanent. You so rarely see Happosai mentioned more then in passing in locked fics so I hope you do something a little bigger there. Also Genma's reaction is always fascinating if played to or against type. Since the early chapter discussed how much Ranma changed simply by falling in the spring would be great to see Genma getting extremely paranoid and angry at the springs and attempting to force a change back to his earlier character later somehow would be super interesting. Really hope you do something with it and don't do the stereotypical fear of Nodoka reaction followed by him totally caving.

Peach Blossom huh? Interesting. Fact that Cologne speaks a 2000+ year old language with little to no drift over that period is slightly strange unless you give it a magical explanation. Spoken languages change a lot in...Who am I kidding it's a story about magical princesses dying and being reborn and having civilizations on gas giants and rocks that would've boiled you alive with radiation never mind. Shampoo/Mousse's reaction will be quite interesting to see again hope it isn't stereotypical. Hope you don't go the slightly stereotypical route of the Amazon's being directly related to serving her predecessor and make something a little more unique.

Like the Senshi interaction quite a bit in this chapter though I do wish it was slightly longer. Would've been nice to hear a little more discussion or to have one of them remember her slightly more. Setsuna giving information or it coming from an unexpected source would have been nice. As it is scenes felt like they belonged there but they need a little more meat.

Nice additions overall and a intriguing chapter of a very interesting story. Hope to see the next one soon and I also hope to read more of Not Half Bad as well. This one and that one are my two favorites that you've written.
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Re: Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

Postby Dumbledork » Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:54 am

I very much enjoyed it. Found nothing really objectable.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

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Re: Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

Postby Crescent Pulsar R » Tue Mar 09, 2010 2:33 pm

I try. ^^; I know I'm not going to please everyone, but I put as much thought as I can into what I'm writing.

frice2000 wrote:I don't like the interaction with Kasumi more then the interaction with Nabiki you had there previously. This version is missing some of the emotional byplay of the other version which made it feel far less powerful. As you have it written it feels like Ranma isn't really caring enough about losing his male form. The emotional breakdown of the other version was way better for that purpose though Nabiki's approach to helping Ranma deal with it was a little odd. What I really don't like about the change is that when I saw Kasumi come in I expected her to help out emotionally better then Nabiki did in your other version but instead she seemed more concerned about the furo and its water then helping out Ranma...That seems really odd wish you had her talk to Ranma more there felt really weird to have her ignore Ranma in that fashion. Thought when Kasumi was feeling warmth that it was going to be Ranma leaning into her which could have led to a cute little scene that would let you show some changes in Ranma's character. That she sought and received no emotional support felt slightly odd compared to your previous version however it is far more in character. But considering the massive change to her personality/image you are having her undergo it's odd to not have more character development there.

I really didn't like the part that I had written with Nabiki, and thought it was very OOC on both sides (including Ranma's breakdown), so I considered at length what I wanted there. For one, Ranma's been stuck as a girl twice, and on those occasions he hadn't reacted as badly as he had then. So, between it happening again, and subconsciously expecting it, I thought it'd be better to have him concerned but calm. Plus, he knew why he hadn't changed, and why he couldn't stick around to explain the reason why, so most of his attention was on how to resolve the problem. In much the same way when he focused on Herb and getting the kaisuifuu(?) rather than lament about his condition and going nowhere.

As for Kasumi... She's a nice person but generally keeps herself from getting too involved in anything. Why, I don't know. But I couldn't see her prying or offering support that Ranma himself wasn't asking for in some way (which is an unlikely occurrence, considering how he tends to put up a front so people don't think he's being weak). Kasumi works on more of a subtle level, and in simple gestures (getting a kettle of hot water, a towel, or offering well-meaning advice or information). In the end, I thought other characters would make this part too complicated, or pull the story a bit off course from what I wanted. Kasumi was a half-compromise, in that her presence alone, and how she doesn't press Ranma for information, is heartening enough. Ranma's thankful for that, but finds it too awkward to express his thanks through more than a brief smile.

I dunno. It's more my style to imply things than to smack people upside the head with what I'm trying to express.

Like the Ryouga scenes there. Amazed with the water around he didn't change into his cursed form though. And he somehow knows Ranma from a previous life or is he just associating Ranma with the Senshi? Hope its the latter really.

Yeah, I thought about triggering his curse, but I wondered if it would be too expected and trivial. I may change it so he slips into the water, at the end, though... *Shrugs*

Ryoga's just unhappy about something, is all. To be revealed at another time. ;p

I am quite interested to see how Happosai/Genma responds to this being permanent. You so rarely see Happosai mentioned more then in passing in locked fics so I hope you do something a little bigger there. Also Genma's reaction is always fascinating if played to or against type. Since the early chapter discussed how much Ranma changed simply by falling in the spring would be great to see Genma getting extremely paranoid and angry at the springs and attempting to force a change back to his earlier character later somehow would be super interesting. Really hope you do something with it and don't do the stereotypical fear of Nodoka reaction followed by him totally caving.

I'm actively conceiving a way for Happosai to play a minor role rather than just a negligible appearance. So far I have the negligible appearance prepared, but not a more substantial reappearance. I'll have it worked out, eventually, though.

As for Genma... I'm still wondering what I'll do with him. He won't become an issue for a while, so I have time. I don't think fear of Nodoka will be an issue, though. It'll probably go down the old-fashioned way: with a clobbering.

Peach Blossom huh? Interesting. Fact that Cologne speaks a 2000+ year old language with little to no drift over that period is slightly strange unless you give it a magical explanation. Spoken languages change a lot in...Who am I kidding it's a story about magical princesses dying and being reborn and having civilizations on gas giants and rocks that would've boiled you alive with radiation never mind. Shampoo/Mousse's reaction will be quite interesting to see again hope it isn't stereotypical. Hope you don't go the slightly stereotypical route of the Amazon's being directly related to serving her predecessor and make something a little more unique.

Heh-heh-heh. I tend to have information unfold according to the progress and relevance of events, rather than just laying it all down ahead of time. But the explanation won't be long in coming, since it's planned in the next chapter. And just to make you wonder: there won't be a magical explanation for it. ;p

I think what I have planned with the Amazons is unique enough. Not that I can recall any story where the Amazons serve Ranma's past self, as a senshi. Mousse is inconsequential, so I probably won't get around to him for a long time. But Shampoo's reaction will matter, so I'm putting a lot of thought into it.

Like the Senshi interaction quite a bit in this chapter though I do wish it was slightly longer. Would've been nice to hear a little more discussion or to have one of them remember her slightly more. Setsuna giving information or it coming from an unexpected source would have been nice. As it is scenes felt like they belonged there but they need a little more meat.

Yeah, my writing's pretty lean. I just prefer to focus on what stands out, alone or in groups, rather than spend an inordinate amount of time going over everyone's reaction every time there's a call for it. A good example is when Haruka chuckled, but I didn't go into who looked amused, who looked exasperated, who shook their head and who remained neutral. If I have to point out one or two in specific, then it'd look awkward if I leave the others out. Haruka's reaction stands out, and I felt that it got the message that I wanted across to the reader, so I went with that. Not that I know what I'm talking about, but I try. (Basically, I'm a minimalist. I try to get as much as I can in as little as I can. Whenever I read books I can't stand it when there are a bunch of paragraphs going on and on about this and that, to pad the book with more pages, and they expect me to remember what's going on by the time they get back around to the here and now of their story. That might just be me, though.)

In the end, I considered someone having some idea of who she might be, but I couldn't think of anything that would fit with what I have planned. But, that may change. I'm still considering the options that are still open to me. (It won't be Setsuna, though. I'm going to love the reaction I might get when it comes time to really characterize her. I'm basing her off of the manga, after all.)

Nice additions overall and a intriguing chapter of a very interesting story. Hope to see the next one soon and I also hope to read more of Not Half Bad as well. This one and that one are my two favorites that you've written.

Well, I can't promise anything, but I'm working to update these stories more often. I mean, sheesh: five-plus years and this is all I have for this story. XD;;
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Re: Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

Postby frice2000 » Tue Mar 09, 2010 7:22 pm

I can see your point with his reaction being totally in character and I agree with you there. Still the emotional reaction that you generated by Ranma acting in that fashion and Nabiki being the one to break him out of it...just isn't matched here. In character yes. Probably expected and willingly paid for also yes. So I can see why you wrote it that way. As to Kasumi I do think she would push more but I can agree with your interpretation of the character too. I don't agree with her looking in the furo to clean it though she should have at least been talking about something with Ranma that felt wrong and I do think it was awkward. That said probably can't accurately evaluate that scene until later on though as your previous scene vs. this one would make a lot of events down the line totally different so I can respect it either way. I did enjoy Nabiki acting against type though.

Probably should clarify what I meant by the Amazons so many fics have them being involved in Moon Kingdom stuff it gets a tad old. I would love to see a fic that puts Happosai in that role instead of Cologne for whatever reason would be a cute change. As is I look forward to seeing your explanation and I'm sure their role will be interesting.
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Re: Dark Side of the Moon (Chapter: 3)

Postby Crescent Pulsar R » Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:10 pm

Well, it was meant to be awkward. Kasumi seems to have reservations about getting involved in things, or is just unsure of how to do so, for one reason or another. She's often seen doing other things and making comments rather than asserting a presence. Ranma's not the type to seek someone's solace (normally), and tends to keep things to himself. Really, what Kasumi did, and didn't do, may just have been the best that he could have asked for, in that situation. I don't think one always needs words and actions to make a strong, emotional impact.

As for Kasumi's presence to begin with, I think the reason is acceptable enough. The bath gets used often enough, and is sometimes broken by the kinds of things that happen there, so it only makes sense to pay extra attention to it instead of changing the water more than once a day... which would probably be more inconvenient. And, before I went with the idea, I looked around and found evidence that people do (probably mostly did, what with today's modern conveniences) concern themselves with keeping the water clean. I could be wrong, though, since I didn't find much in the way of said evidence. But the general reasoning seems sound enough for me, so... *Shrugs*

Involved with moon kingdom stuff? Ah, I see. That's sort of the case. There are a bunch of ways that they could be "involved", so I wouldn't know what to tell you. Not that I'd say much since, well, you know... ;p
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