FPCF - Ch 11

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FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:32 am

Fated Pasts, Chaotic Future
A Ranma ½ and Sailor Senshi crossover Fanfic
Written by: Konsaki

--

This Fanfic was inspired by and uses source material from ‘Lines of Destiny’, a dead Fanfic created by Louis-Philippe Giroux. If you would like to read the story he created up till it drops off, there are copies on Ranmafics dot com.

--

Grey blue eyes snapped open to view flashes of ground and sky blurring by. Senses screamed at him, only confirming what his eyes blatantly declared as truth. Thousands of decisions blazed by in an instant, more than a decade of training brought to the forefront as muscles tensed and jerked limbs around, throwing Ranma’s unexpected and wild flight into a slightly more controlled spinning sideways fall. The immediate concern that he had any control over taken care of, Ranma took full stock of his situation and damage. ‘Jaw, ribs and back brused’, he counted out, grimacing as his muscles pulled to control the spin, ‘that bastard’s going down when I get back there!’

Another flash of grey passed by as his trajectory angled downward with the effects of gravity.

“Come on”, Ranma growled as he darted his arms outward towards the roof he was passing over. Spinning through the air, he made a split second decision to gamble everything on one arm versus trying a two handed grab; stretching his left hand out as far as it would go. Another flash of grey came into sight, leading him into a straight on view of a television antenna sticking up out of the building.

Instinct churned through infinite calculations, training making up the difference, as the martial artist moved his arm slightly and adjusted the predicted grip just so. The instant the metal tip of the antenna touched skin; Ranma locked down with an iron grip.

“Alright”, the whooping cry of success echoed out across the rooftop only to be quickly followed by an equally loud “Shit” as the metal bent, warped and then snapped under his inertia. Pulling the snapped metal bit up to his face, Ranma cursed once more before accepting that the mishap had at least done one thing for the airborne martial artist; it had slowed down his spin to a manageable level.

On the other hand, it had also slowed his forward motion, leading Ranma to be less airborne each second; the next twist towards the ground showing that he was headed towards a busy street below. ‘This gets better and better’, he groused silently as his eyes flicked over the vehicles passing below, trying to predict the point of impact.

Twisting about, adjusting his spin slightly, Ranma prepared for the tricky landing ahead of him. Inside his mind, doubts were screaming against the hastily made preparations; fear of failure fighting confidence in his abilities. Pushing the internal struggle aside, the raven haired youth came to the point of no return.

Coiling his legs, the martial artist forced as much reinforcing ki into his extremities to help absorb the impact. Making one final revolution in his spin, Ranma saw his target; a light blue sedan in the outside lane. All the pieces in place, time seemed to shoot forward in speed as Ranma’s bare feet made impact on the metal trunk of the sedan.

The sounds of metal collapsing under the unusual pressure placed upon it crunched out into the air. The left rear shocks and springs compressed downward due to the same noise causing weight. Ranma felt his feet pressing into the corner of the vehicle even as the vehicles own momentum started to drag his feet out from under him the moment he touched down. A slight gap opening in the pedestrians walking along the sidewalk parallel to the street and the alleyway beyond them…

Gritting his teeth, Ranma kicked off with all his strength; throwing him into a headlong dive through the narrow gap, twisting in midair to fit. The dirty white blur shooting past caused screams and yells of shock in his wake, befitting the sounds of screeching tires on the road even farther back. Blue orbs witnessed the scene as his body made one twist, showing him the street and shaken civilians… right before Newton’s first law came into effect once more, with Ranma slamming back-first into a stationary object.

--

“What was that?”

Hearing the question from the elder female, Hotaru quickly looked around the street before grimacing. Reaching out, the smaller girl pulled Akane by the hand towards a nearby alley while explaining, “I can’t tell you out here.”

Blinking at the strength of the girl’s tug, Akane followed along behind the hurrying teen. Once they entered the path between the two stores, the martial artist noticed her newfound sister pull the source of the chiming out from somewhere. Hotaru opened up the object, making it look like an odd looking compact kit, and examined it with a frown, causing Akane to ask, “What’s that and what’s going on?”

“It’s an alert signal”, Hotaru explained, examining the simple display before frowning slightly, “Sailor Moon is calling for help.”

Hearing the heroin’s name Akane couldn’t help but echo it in a surprised cry, “Sailor Moon?!” Then it hit her, ‘Of course Hotaru knows Sailor Moon, being Sailor Saturn!’ Shaking her head, she dispelled the shock to focus on the situation at hand, “What’s happening where she needs our help?”

“I don’t know”, Hotaru stated, chewing on her lip in worry and indecision before recognizing what the other female had said. Giving her head a quick shake, Hotaru reached out and grasped Akane’s hands emphatically, “You can’t be seriously thinking about fighting with the Senshi, are you!?” Seeing the beginnings of a ‘yes’ motion, Hotaru powered on with a violent shake of her head as she jumped forward to envelope the taller girl in a strong hug, “No! I don’t want to lose you after finally getting you back!”

Any ire the martial artist might have generated evaporated instantly in those actions as she quickly wrapped her own arms around her younger sister. “But I’m a martial artist…”, she tried to defend her choice, even while feeling the ground figuratively crumble beneath her position.

“It won’t do much without magic”, the younger teen countered, relishing in the feeling of the hug and noting how similar but different it felt from her adopted parents’. “If you had your spells, it would be one thing, but…”

Looking down at the dark hair with a slight violet sheen, Akane frowned slightly as she thought about that fact of her past life and realized the smaller female had a valid point. Kanma had trained for over a decade to reach the third circle, longer than Akane had in her family’s martial arts. She also noted that almost every spell Kanma had cast, barring the easiest low level spells, were used with his weapon as a focus. Without that, she would have even less chance to successfully cast in this life, especially in the heat of battle.

Akane let out a long breath, running a plan through her head before vocalizing it, “How about this, I’ll try to summon… Mjollnir. If I can summon it without any problems, then I fight. If not…”

Just hearing that brought flashes of her sibling’s warhammer to the forefront of Hotaru’s mind, reminding her of the vast importance it held to her brother in the past. Pushing back, the girl gave a quick nod, agreeing to the quick test, “Alright… but if you can’t…” She left the rest unsaid, giving her reincarnated sibling the go ahead.

Akane just nodded in silence, already concentrating on the named weapon and the long unused magical techniques required for summoning it. If anything, dredging up the knowledge was the easy part out of the entire process; her hands already hanging before her to start the casting. It was only when she tried to draw on the actual magic to complete the summoning that her current state of practice truly showed. Then, something snapped…

Hotaru watched with urgent anticipation, both waiting for the result and also dealing with the increasing worry for her friends. She didn’t wait long, her elder sibling’s movements halting as a furrow of concentration crossed Akane’s brow while her lips opened to whisper something lost in the sounds of the city save for three recognizable words, “Mjollnir, to me!”

A flash of light and jerking wave of power jarred both girls a moment later; leaving a motionless martial artist and a relic warhammer hanging in the air as if time stood still. Watching in awe, Hotaru observed the weapon as memories once more ran though her mind in remembrance. So lost in these dreams, the girl was unable to react when time seemed to resume violently; Akane and the relic falling to the ground in a noisy colophony.

Rushing over to the downed girl, Hotaru grabbed hold of her elder sibling’s shoulder to shake it while crying out, “Akane! Are you okay!?”

--

A/N - I always hate starting a chapter... it's the hardest part of writing for me. :?
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:53 am

"Hearing the heroin’s name Akane couldn’t help but echo it in a surprised cry, “Sailor Moon?!”"

Sailor Moon is a heroine, not heroin....
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:57 am

Ellen Kuhfeld wrote:"Hearing the heroin’s name Akane couldn’t help but echo it in a surprised cry, “Sailor Moon?!”"

Sailor Moon is a heroine, not heroin....
Depends on who you talk to... :P
Stupid spellchecker... :?
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby PCHeintz72 » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:22 pm

...Mjollnir...


Bwahahaha... Did you *have* to call it that...

On the other hand... were akane to wield a magical weapon... a ancient all powerful semi sentient war hammer of the gods might just be the one...

Hmmm... I wonder if all the other lore that goes with that hammer will be present in this story.

EDIT: One other thing... Hotaru knows Ranma can fight Youma and handle himself in a fight... Why not Akane? She is dismissing Akane too easily by insisting she needs magic to fight. For that matter, Akane is dismissing herself too easily.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Feb 13, 2010 1:01 pm

PCHeintz72 wrote:Bwahahaha... Did you *have* to call it that...
On the other hand... were akane to wield a magical weapon... a ancient all powerful semi sentient war hammer of the gods might just be the one...
Hmmm... I wonder if all the other lore that goes with that hammer will be present in this story.
No, the weapon isn't Thor's hammer or a hammer of the gods. I'm just sticking with the name originally chosen by Giroux when he wrote LoD, but it might as well be called Burtha for all the name means. :D
Literally translated though, Mjollnir just means 'Crusher' if you want to take it at that.

EDIT: One other thing... Hotaru knows Ranma can fight Youma and handle himself in a fight... Why not Akane? She is dismissing Akane too easily by insisting she needs magic to fight. For that matter, Akane is dismissing herself too easily.
Hotaru has no real connection to Ranma yet other than him being Akane's husband and maybe Sailor Terra. Hotaru has a more personal stake in Akane's welfare, with Akane being her reincarnated brother just freshly found once again.
Also, while she witnessed Akane hammer a weakened Youma, Ranma performed the more spectacular feats of dismembering the thing, fighting in hand to hand, survived getting bashed into a wall and then shooting a killer ball of ki at the beast. Ranma makes Akane's actions very minuscule in comparison.
Add into the fact that Hotaru has a very valid concern, as most enemies the Senshi have fought have at least some form of physical resistance or regeneration which makes magical attacks sort of a requirement. Not to say that enough physical damage wont take one down, but why use an ineffective attack when you can use something better for the job at hand? Sure, you can drive in a nail with a big enough screwdriver, but why not use a hammer?
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby PCHeintz72 » Sat Feb 13, 2010 2:08 pm

Konsaki wrote:Hotaru has no real connection to Ranma yet other than him being Akane's husband and maybe Sailor Terra. Hotaru has a more personal stake in Akane's welfare, with Akane being her reincarnated brother just freshly found once again.
Also, while she witnessed Akane hammer a weakened Youma, Ranma performed the more spectacular feats of dismembering the thing, fighting in hand to hand, survived getting bashed into a wall and then shooting a killer ball of ki at the beast. Ranma makes Akane's actions very minuscule in comparison.
Add into the fact that Hotaru has a very valid concern, as most enemies the Senshi have fought have at least some form of physical resistance or regeneration which makes magical attacks sort of a requirement. Not to say that enough physical damage wont take one down, but why use an ineffective attack when you can use something better for the job at hand? Sure, you can drive in a nail with a big enough screwdriver, but why not use a hammer?

I disagree... even if we accept Hotaru's view on things, despite having seen Ranma fight, and knowing he and Ranko are training Akane... That still leaves Akanes views of herself... I just have a hard time picturing her giving in that easily on this, because it is as if she is turning her back on all that she believed herself to be, and what she could be with Ranma's training.

Oh well, in any case, your story, present it how you want.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Feb 13, 2010 10:07 pm

PCHeintz72 wrote:I disagree... even if we accept Hotaru's view on things, despite having seen Ranma fight, and knowing he and Ranko are training Akane... That still leaves Akanes views of herself... I just have a hard time picturing her giving in that easily on this, because it is as if she is turning her back on all that she believed herself to be, and what she could be with Ranma's training.

Oh well, in any case, your story, present it how you want.
There is also two years of unwritten time for both Ranma and Akane to mature and have their views change some at the start of the story, along with the personality/memories of Kanma still being sorted through.
Of course, those are just excuses for my decision, I guess... *shrugs*
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sun Feb 14, 2010 4:38 am

“Great”, Ranma growled out as she continued to try and extract herself from the pile of soft drinks she found herself in, “Just great…” The sounds of cans rattled around the alley as she pushed up into a sitting position. Just a second later, Ranma cried out in surprise, shielding her face with a hand against the jets of cola spraying up from yet another exploding can.

“That’s it”, the redhead screamed out, kicking out with her legs to clear the cans from her, only to cause more to start spewing their beverages into the air, “His ass is mine!” Growling and seething in heated fury, the girl kicked out one last time before flipping up to her feet; heedless of the scattering, spraying cans around her.

Taking a quick look around, Ranma found herself in an alleyway between two buildings. Sensing movement, the redhead turned to the side to find a man pushing himself up against one of the walls of the alley, staring at her while now trying to remain rigidly still. The martial artist winced slightly at seeing the terror in his eyes and how he stiffened even more when their eyes met; only to wince again once she realized the truck he had been trying to slide behind happened to be an opened delivery truck with drink logos stamped on the side.

Swallowing her rage, Ranma bowed her head quickly, muttering a quick, “Sorry about that…”

The man’s jaw opened and closed a bit before he finally waved a hand warily, “N-no p-p-problem…”

Wincing once more at the reaction she received, Ranma turned towards the entrance of the alley to find a small crowd of pedestrians watching. Some were frowning at her, some whispering and pointing subtly while a few were openly gawking at the young woman.

‘Not getting out through there’, the martial artist thought before turning her eyes upward. Spotting an outside stairwell attached to one of the buildings, she nodded in acceptance of the plan. Muttering another quick apology, she coiled her legs before springing a good ten meters into the air only to boost her body up even farther with another amazing leap from one of the railings attached to the stairwell only to bounce off the side of the opposite building. This went on, with the crowd watching in rapture until the martial artist cleared the edge of one of the structures and disappeared from sight.

Once she felt the gravely rooftop beneath her bare feet, Ranma ran a hand through her damp and sticky bangs. “Damn… why’d it have to be cola…”, she complained as she shook her hand out into the air. Shaking her head quickly to dismiss the issue, she focused her eyes off into the near distance from where dust clouds and small flashes of light could be seen over the blocking buildings. “Whatever”, she growled out, pounding a fist into the palm of her hand, “I’ll just take it out on his hide!”

Hardening her eyes, Ranma quickly nodded before quickly running up to the edge of the roof and making a soaring leap across the gapping street below. Crossing the divide, she touched down on the target apartment complex only to continue to sprint forward, flicking steel blue eyes towards the bent antenna as she rushed by. Giving a quick derisive snort towards the less than useful object, she made a quick hop to the next roof over before coming to a halt near the coming edge. Kneeling down at the slightly raised ledge that ran along the roof, Ranma narrowed her eyes as she viewed the scene below.

--

“Hiaa”, Venus screamed out, swinging the golden chain attached to her arm through the air. Dirt and dust kicked up where it slammed into the ground, the target having vacated the area an instant before.

Bright flashes flared to her left, leaving the air with the strong stench of ionization as Jupiter added her own shots into fray. Not a second later, a beam of light beamed nearby before arching back towards its origin. Using the covering attacks of her teammates, the blonde wrenched in her chain while sprinting to the side, scanning the battlefield which used to be her school’s sports yard.

Waving brunette hair waved behind Jupiter as she continued circling around; throwing her arms out with bursts of arcing electricity all the while. Moon was concentrating on flinging her quickest attack out, trying less to hit the constantly evading man and more trying to keep him constantly moving. Twitching her head to the side, the golden clad Senshi spied their last available teammate on hand; the silent blue colored girl kneeling near a trashcan, a transparent blue visor covering the top half of her face while fingers danced over a microcomputer in her hands.

Spotting Athorm’s grey clad form flipping away from yet another burst of electricity, the Venusian reincarnation threw her arm forward once more; chain darting towards her mobile opponent like a snake slithering through the air. The blonde smirked as her timing couldn’t have been more perfect, as Athorm’s hands touched down into a handstand from his flip just as the long length of golden hearts coiled around the gunmetal vambrace on his left arm.

Before she could set her stance for the follow-up, the silver haired male had thrust off from the ground to hang meters into the air; giving him the initiative he needed to counter the powerful jerk Venus sent down the connecting line of golden magic. Right as the blonde started to shift her weight back; Athorm reached forward with his free hand to grasp the shackling chain between the two and carefully hid a smirk growing on his lips.

Venus’s own smirk of success quickly shot away into surprise as she jerked hard; Athorm yanking with his right at the very same time while in midair. Everything went according to plan for the blonde girl; all but the speed the enemy shot towards her, the combined forces flinging the man way too fast for her to capitalize on the effort. As his massive form closed in, his body coiling for something, the Venusian Senshi chose the safer option and bailed out to the side in a desperate lunge.

Jupiter watched from the other side of the field as her friend dove out of the way, leaving the grey clothed enemy to fly over the position Venus had just held a moment before. Still amazed at the situation at hand, she failed to realize just what Athorm had planned before it was too late. Even as her eyes widened in realization, the airborne male seemed to slice through the chain connecting him to Venus with a swift knife-hand, the now disconnected coils around his left arm dissipating into golden flecks of mana.

From here position, the Jovian had a clear spine chilling view as the gunmetal grey form finally touched ground only to kick off violently, rocketing straight towards their only non-mobile asset. Mind screaming commands as feverously as it could, Jupiter opened her mouth to scream warning, hopelessly knowing that it would be too little and too late but hoping otherwise.

Moon never even got that far, having only just retrieved her tiara out of the air from its last use. She saw Venus’ dive and Athorm’s escape but never recognized the change in the man’s tactics until Jupiter’s voice rang across the yard.

“Mercury!”

--

A/N - You're probably noticing quickly in the second part that I'm not going with the typical 'stand and shoot' method of fighting which is often seen in SM fanfics. I'm adapting my writing with the limitations the Manga had, in which it couldn't show true movement and had to sacrifice panels for other actions. As such, they move around more, don't always have to call the attack name but can if they need a focus boost and, since they are veterans, have some level of tactics gained from their current lives and bleedover from their last.
Last edited by Konsaki on Sun Feb 14, 2010 9:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Sailor Sedai (Ellf) » Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:18 am

I'm also now noticing some true deviations from the original here. Nicely done on the planning this out. I must admit that this fight scene seems more fluid than Giroux's.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:37 am

Sailor Sedai (Ellf) wrote:I'm also now noticing some true deviations from the original here. Nicely done on the planning this out. I must admit that this fight scene seems more fluid than Giroux's.
Yeah. Personally, I didn't like how he went with the 'Monster of the week' hulking monstrosity for the 'demon' who attacked during this area of the story. I find it more challenging for the Senshi to fight an intelligent mobile opponent versus a 'tank everything and laugh' enemy. Of course, 'tank everything' enemies do have their places but not if you have Miss 'Sailor Howitzer' just blow it away with a nuclear explosion of magic. :roll:
So, yeah. Loved the storyline Giroux created; his combat writing abilities... not so much. :wink:
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sun Feb 14, 2010 9:46 am

Spoiled text is version 1.0.
SPOILER - Show Spoiler
“N-Not so loud…”

Blinking in confusion, Hotaru watched as Akane’s eyes fluttered open only to close tight once more with a groan. “Are you okay”, the younger girl asked in a much more subdued voice, hand still resting on the fallen female.

“Y-yeah”, the short haired martial artist forced out, trying to push herself up into a sitting position before placing a hand to her forehead and recanting her words, “No… Not really.”

“What’s wrong”, Hotaru cried out in worry, wincing as her reincarnated brother cringed from the loudness. “Sorry”, she embarrassedly apologized before lowly saying, “Tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can heal it.”

Even while her ‘younger sister’ was saying this, Akane was searching through her… Kanma’s memories trying to figure out what happened. The closest thing she could come up with that quickly was something that happened early on in his training. “It’s alright…”, the reawakened mage warily stated, waving off the urgent concern with a weak wave of her free hand. Leaning against one side of the alley, Akane slowly opened her eyes to look into the dark violet ones intently staring back.

Giving off a weak smile, Akane explained, “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I just… Summoning Mjollnir called for too much mana for this… my body.” Letting out a pained sigh as another throb wracked her brain, she finished by saying, “Painful lesson, but it’s just a headache…”

“But you’re bleeding”, Hotaru insisted, worrying over her brother/sister.

Akane frowned at that, “What?” A moment later, she mimicked the pantomiming girl by raising her fingers under her nose and then brought them into view. On the tips of her index and middle fingers were traces of bright red, but not enough to be worrisome… at least in Akane’s opinion. “It’s alright”, she repeated to the younger girl, “it expected when forcing an overcast.”

“Are you sure”, Hotaru questioned, starting to reach towards Akane’s head with her free hand, “I could heal it really quickly.”

Akane’s hand intercepted the younger girl’s before it could reach its destination, though. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I just need to rest for a bit”, she stated before giving a pointed look directly into Hotaru’s violet eyes, “Besides, you have something more important to worry about right now!”

“But…”, Hotaru tried to respond before she worriedly started chewing her lip in indecision. Her conscience was furiously battling over the right choice. Stay with her reincarnated sibling to make sure she would be alright or help her comrades in arms fight off whatever they were fighting.

Before she could continue struggling with the decision, Akane squeezed her hand lightly to regain her full attention. “Hotaru, just go”, she insisted, touching the small blood trail under her nose before showing, “Look, it’s stopped and the headache is going away… They need you more than I do right now.”

Worrying her lip just a bit more, the younger female finally nodded with a whispered, “Alright… I’ll be back soon.” Nodding once more, with a squeeze of Akane’s hand to reassure her, Hotaru stood up and looked down both ends of the alley to make sure it was clear. There was a third bob of her head as she threw her arms down at her sides and powered words echoed from her causing the girl to be enveloped in a flash of blinding violet light. When it cleared, Sailor Saturn stood where Tomoe Hotaru stood before holding a familiar bladed haft, which stood a good head and a half taller than her, by her side.

“Don’t worry, I’ll come back soon”, Saturn worriedly whispered, if more for herself than Akane’s benefit. Seeing the reclining martial artist smile warmly and wave her off, the violet clad magical girl looked up before leaping skyward; bounding off the walls until her movement was blocked by the rooftop.

Watching the form disappear to leave unblemished sky between the two buildings, Akane let out a tired sigh before dropping her gaze towards the ground. Once there, her eyes fell on the fallen weapon, “Mjollnir…”

An instant later, Akane felt the weight of the war hammer… her war hammer, as it teleported the short distance into her hands. The remenicent smile which grew on her lips at feeling the familiar engravings quickly twisted into a grimace not long after, as the headache made a resounding comeback to pound at her skull. “Okay… don’t do that again…”, Akane groaned out as she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall behind her.

‘Great…’, she thought to herself, ‘Alone in an alley with a weapon I can’t yet use… and a killer splitting headache…”

“Damn…”

--

“…that’s got to hurt”, Ranma muttered to herself with a wince, looking down from her rooftop perch.

Just moments before, she watched Venus’ attempt with her chain go wrong and Athorm’s rush to capitalize on the gained swing in the fight. Ranma heard Jupiter’s yell, but watched as the silvery haired man’s energy charged fist slammed right into the blue clad Senshi’s face; culminating in a violent explosion. Sympathy flowed from the redhead as she watched Mercury bounce along the ground like a ragdoll, sliding to a stop a few meters from the exterior wall of the school.

Still watching the action below, Ranma prepped herself to jump down into the fray as she saw Athorm continuing forward after the immobile Senshi. Just before she leapt down and before the powerful male could get more than halfway, massive jets of fire rained down from above as Mars joined the fray, enveloping Athorm and the ground beneath him.

‘Damn, I can feel it from here’, the redhead swore silently, as she tracked the area scorched earth with attentive blue eyes. Within the raging flames, she could see the shadow of the man within; then suddenly it was gone.

“What the…”, she exclaimed, blinking before jerking her vision around the area, searching for her opponent. She found him a second later, halfway across the open field patting down smoldering spots on his armor. Blinking again in surprise, Ranma replayed what she saw in her mind, from the immolation to finding him standing that far away. Instinctively, the redhead compared it to her own hand to hand experience with him.

Then, it clicked and a grin flashed across her lips, “Gotcha!”

Standing tall with her hands on her hips, Ranma nodded triumphantly, ‘Alright! Now all I’ve got to do is transform, then it’s beatdown time!’ Nodding, she reached out with her right arm, transformation focus in hand, and said…

“The hell am I doing!?”

Looking down at the pen like object crowned with the symbol for Terra in her hands, Ranma blinked in confusion. ‘Transform!? What am I thinking’, she asked herself, still looking at the artifact she held.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a countering voice spoke up, ‘Why not? It’s just a way to kick his ass!’

Seeing the point but not wanting to concede, she fired off, ‘But it’s girly!’

‘And when’s that gotten in the way of winning before?’

That counter had Ranma silent for a few seconds before looking down at the Senshi below who were once more engaged with the male antagonist; all save two. Moon was off on the far side of the field kneeling over Mercury who lay still on the ground; even as Jupiter, Mars and Venus tried to coordinate their attacks effectively. Suffering from a raging internal battle, Ranma stood there silent and still as the battle waged on below; Athorm trying to work his way closer to the injured Senshi while the others battled him away.

The seconds ticked by as flashes of magic flared up from below. The stalemate the three active Senshi desperately kept up held… all the way until the grey clad male’s form flickered from view once more to appear right behind Jupiter. Whether by sheer skill, instinct or luck, the ponytailed Senshi made a mad, desperate block but still found herself flying through the air from the power of Athorm’s explosive kick.

“Damn it”, Ranma cursed loudly as she threw her hand skyward, the decision made for her as the flow of battle turned once more, “Terra Star Power… Henshin!”
Last edited by Konsaki on Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Mon Feb 15, 2010 11:50 am

NOTE: Section is being rewritten and I'm only keeping this up as a reference to what it was before the revision.
Version 1.0 of Section 'Terra jumps into fight'
SPOILER - Show Spoiler
“Shit”, Jupiter cursed, rapidity twisting her arms up to block even as she jerked around a one-eighty. An instant later, fire flashed through her arms, the force of the explosion blowing the Jovian into the air with a pained cry. Ripping her eyes open through the pain, Jupiter maneuvered her body to roll back with the landing, trying to keep her arms from taking too much of the impact.

She only had a split second glance towards her opponent, but the brunette could tell that the man was on the move, trying to keep his initiative by incapacitating her… or worse. Gouts of flame flared into existence along with the sounds of chains slapping against hard packed dirt; both indications that her friends were trying to cover for her. Mercifully, Jupiter’s hang time came to an end with her back finally touching ground, allowing her to roll backwards over a shoulder to regain her footing. Sight of the fight returned to the emerald eyed warrior; her still stinging arms snapping up before her even as her vision locked onto the closing Athorm.

Wind rushing through spiky silver hair, blood pounding through his veins, the raw emotions on the target’s face; all part of the rush he got from the thrum of battle. Gleaming white showed through curled lips as Athorm grinned in anticipation, his arms already starting to channel their energy as he jogged and jerked passed the flames and chains to the recovering brunette. ‘Soon, one more down and three left to go’, ran through his head as he started planning his next moves out in advance.

Nowhere in his strategy did it plan for an orb of golden energy to slam into his side, the following explosion blowing the wind out of him while sending his body across the ground in an uncontrolled roll.

Blinking the flash from her vision, Jupiter’s eyes widened as she jerked her head around to see a blue and gold clad Senshi in mid air only to burst off running as soon as she touched down on the damaged school grounds. Nearby, Venus and Mars seemed to be in the same trance like state, turning their own gazes towards the surprise reinforcement.

Seeing the stares from the three color clad girls, Terra snapped, “Quit gawkin’ and get him!” She followed actions to her words, throwing forward a hand to let lose another golden bolt of energy towards the grey clad male. Before it could reach its target though, Athorm had hauled himself back on his feet only to wrench his body out of the orb’s path; ignoring the small explosion it caused behind him to instead snarl towards the new arrival.

Seeing the tide of battle change once more, with neither side holding the initiative, the five fighters paused into a standstill; the four Senshi eyeing the sole male while Athorm warily watched the girls, his hands releasing and flexing into fists.

A slight breeze blowing through the area as a few tense seconds passed, Mars edging her way closer to the emerald hewed Senshi, all the while keeping a trained eye towards the hard-hitting guy standing his ground across the way. Feeling close enough, she finally asked out, “You alright?”

“Yeah…”, the brown haired girl replied in a strained voice, clenching her hands while wincing as the muscles in her forearms protested silently, “he has one heck of a kick, though…”

A minute change in the enemy’s stance broke off any more conversation as all attention locked back onto him. Moments later, the yard was filled by an impassioned voice, “For hurting my friends, I will punish you!”

Hearing this, Terra couldn’t help herself from looking towards the reincarnated lunar princess with a face screwed up in disbelief. Out of the corner of her vision, she was thankful to see Athorm performing the same actions. Looking past Moon into the near distance, Terra saw Mercury sitting up while being supported by yet another Senshi clad in violet. Bringing her full attention back to the armored man, the blue eyed young woman saw him reacting to the events going on beyond Moon as well; his stance shifting even further towards a defensive tact.

Terra shot forward at seeing this, a smirk crawling across her lips as a bolt of golden energy led her charge.

Surprised but not caught completely flatfooted, Athorm leapt out of the way; his flipping for making its way back towards the damaged school building. Blasts of flame and arcing electric tendrils joined the mix moments after he sailed over the explosion below him; both Senshi trying to snipe the man from the air but only gaining glancing blows as he twisted and angled out of danger. In just the same way, golden lines of condensed magic flew within a hairs breath of his face; each interlocking heart clear to his furrowed hazel eyes.

“What’s the matter”, the blue and gold skirted female called forward towards the retreating man, feeling a massive energy buildup behind her, “Running scared now?”

Continuing his swift retreat via a twisting handspring only to hit the dirt running with his booted feet, Athorm snidely bit back, “I’m no fool, girl! You’ll not bait me that easily!”

Terra scowled but silently acknowledged the validity of his statement. Had she been in the same situation, and she had in the past, she would have retreated as well. This just spurred her on, throwing more orbs of force forward toward the fleeing target; her prey was not getting away without his ass getting properly kicked!
Last edited by Konsaki on Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:48 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Spokavriel » Mon Feb 15, 2010 10:48 pm

Why is Ranma Barefoot? I still don't know how the fight with the silver haired guy started and really between the clothes comment at the end of last chapter and them being out side for that fight things are not adding up.

And now you have his mind seeming like it is running through equations almost like the terminator running through programed options. Its just short of too analytical. It would be easier if it didn't seem so mathematical/calculated.


So lost in these dreams, the girl was unable to react when time seemed to resume violently; Akane and the relic falling to the ground in a noisy colophony.
Shouldn't that last word be cacophony?

I'm not sure why there is so much argument about Akane, after getting another entire lifetime of memories including magic added to her collection, accepting that the things fought by Senshi would be easier to fight with magic. She even clearly has the thought that His past life involved allot more training than she has had even in Martial Arts. So it seems supported enough even if it is a bit outside of the normal Akane character. But something to note. She's being told this by another girl. If it were a guy saying it then I could see her being indignant and insisting she can fight too. But since it's Hotaru that's another reason for her to stay rational.

Authors notes on this cliff hanger? If you honestly stop the chapter there I think I'm going to give up reading this fic. After all you now have a fight that started somehow unshown. This fight doesn't deserve to continue in 3 chapters! And you have author's notes on this part which is still too short to be a whole chapter.

Ah good you didn't stop there for the chapter. But still if this chapter ends before it does...


Um Akane's personality and everything to do with her is missing in this whole "overcast" aftermath bit. This is coming off as a complete stranger. Akane knows what it is like not being allowed to help why the heck is she stopping Hotaru from helping? There's no reasoning to it!

Whomever this character is talking to Hotaru sounds like some old master who knows they are dieing trying to hurry a protege along to do what must be done. This doesn't sound like Akane at all!

What is Hotaru's conflict? Why hasn't Hotaru healed Akane? Really the question is stay here or go help where people are most likely dieing without her! This Does Not Make Sense!

I was typing before I got to the end of the scene. Its Gah How did you write that? WHY Did you write that?


Didn't you have her say Makeup like the rest in her previous transformation sequence?

Wait Ranma shouts for people to get moving and stop gawking and then no one is taking initiative? Why??? You don't have to hold it to take it.


A slight breeze blowing through the area as a few tense seconds passed, Mars edging her way closer to the emerald hewed Senshi, all the while keeping a trained eye towards the hard-hitting guy standing his ground across the way.
Hewed that is the cutting word. Hue, Hued is color.

Terra clearly was distracted by Sailor Moon What happened to this guy taking advantage of these things? He was really on top of that earlier repeatedly.

Blue eyes aren't distinctive enough given who all is active in the scene. In a way you're over doing the descriptive identifiers. What are you going to do when you run out or burn others out on it?


Surprised but not caught completely flatfooted, Athorm leapt out of the way; his flipping for making its way back towards the damaged school building.
guessing form lost an m here. Flipping form makes more sense.

Please instead of repeated descriptives could you use a name again that isn't only said by a character somewhere in this?

Ok um the part I put in red is something that extremely frustrated me and everything after it just seems to fall apart after Ranma works out how to fight this guy. Why didn't she fight the guy more directly?
Did Ranma really figure it out or did powering up as Terra blank the strategy from her mind?
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Tue Feb 16, 2010 3:47 am

Holy shit! Wall of pink text hurts the eyes! I had to highlight the entire post and click out the window to read white text on dark grey background to keep my eyes from burning... :|

Why is Ranma Barefoot?
When I read this, I actually tried to think of why I wrote this... the best thing I could come up with was the fact that he was practicing martial arts inside a building, but then my own mind screamed bullshit at me. There's no reason he wouldn't be wearing his black slippers, so I'll correct this.

And now you have his mind seeming like it is running through equations...
I was trying to have it read like instinctual reactions running below his conscious thought but I guess I failed. Considering his long life of training, many factors would be crunched in his brain and decisions derived without him actually thinking about doing them.

cacophony?
Fixing.

I'm not sure why there is so much argument about Akane, after getting another entire lifetime of memories including magic added to her collection, accepting that the things fought by Senshi would be easier to fight with magic. She even clearly has the thought that His past life involved allot more training than she has had even in Martial Arts. So it seems supported enough even if it is a bit outside of the normal Akane character. But something to note. She's being told this by another girl. If it were a guy saying it then I could see her being indignant and insisting she can fight too. But since it's Hotaru that's another reason for her to stay rational.
I'm not sure where you are trying to go with this...

Authors notes on this cliff hanger?
I posted some A/N at the end of that section so I could cut off some questions early from CC. I'm nowhere near done with what I have planned for the chapter...

If you honestly stop the chapter there I think I'm going to give up reading this fic.
Are you okay, man? No offense but you're coming off sorta hostile, which is usual; at least to me. I'm going to pass up the giant wall of red text save one line which made no sense...

I was typing before I got to the end of the scene. Its Gah How did you write that? WHY Did you write that?
What exactly are you ranting about here?

Didn't you have her say Makeup like the rest in her previous transformation sequence?
Which 'her' and I don't think I've been having them say 'Makeup' at all...

Wait Ranma shouts for people to get moving and stop gawking and then no one is taking initiative? Why??? You don't have to hold it to take it.
After sleeping a full day and rereading this section, I already decided to rewrite most of this section anyways. It isn't working in the direction I planned out, plus I thought up a few better ideas before falling asleep.

What happened to this guy taking advantage of these things? He was really on top of that earlier repeatedly.
part of the reworking the section.

In a way you're over doing the descriptive identifiers.
Since you brought this up, I reread everything I made for the chapter so far and I can agree. I'll weed out some of the identifiers to make it less confusing and more precise.

Hue, Hued is color.
Thanks. Keep tripping up on homonyms...

Did Ranma really figure it out or did powering up as Terra blank the strategy from her mind?
I need to reword this section. It was less Ranma making a plan and more of figuring out exactly how Athorm was gaining the upper hand in their 1v1 fight.

Ok um the part I put in red is something that extremely frustrated me...
Yet vague enough which I can only get the idea that you're angry about areas of the chapter but not enough description to know why you really have conflict with them. This, added with the red coloring which is hard to focus on, makes my mind just pass over it without really absorbing anything in this section of your post. I'd like to know what's up, but I can't gain anything from that.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Spokavriel » Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:11 pm

Ok lets see if I can clear up the parts where I confused you now that I am not falling asleep while typing.

On the whole analytical bit the method you used to show how much he is working out isn't bad it's just described with too many mathematical/technical words making it seem, to me, more like physics in raw numbers.

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I'm not sure why there is so much argument about Akane, after getting another entire lifetime of memories including magic added to her collection, accepting that the things fought by Senshi would be easier to fight with magic. She even clearly has the thought that His past life involved allot more training than she has had even in Martial Arts. So it seems supported enough even if it is a bit outside of the normal Akane character. But something to note. She's being told this by another girl. If it were a guy saying it then I could see her being indignant and insisting she can fight too. But since it's Hotaru that's another reason for her to stay rational.
I'm not sure where you are trying to go with this...
I was commenting on the argument that was made against Akane's acceptance that magic and more experience might be a good thing to have making her agree to avoid a fight if she doesn't have magic. It was supported enough to seem to fit. So I didn't understand why others commenting on the chapter thought it was so OOC.

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I was in pain and having this fight stop there making it have to go into a third chapter which looked like a possibility really knocked me off the deep end.

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All that Red Text is about the really poor scene between something using Akane's name and Hotaru after Mjolnir was summoned. None of that scene makes sense for Akane to be acting as she is. Nothing from the stand in for Akane sounds like her at all.
There are times to draw from where she's self sacrificing in the OVA's and a few show episodes that can be referenced and this scene you wrote has so much gravity and is phrased in ways that fit better when someone knows they are dieing. Not when they have a headache and a nose bleed. There's nothing to lighten things up or even placate Hotaru. It feels completely wrong.

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The Henshin/Makeup question. Reading too many fics leads to confusing moments trying to make sure what was or wasn't said on repeated phrases.
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