Title Unknown: Ch 1

[LadyRelena]

Before you read: The main reason I posted this chapter here is to get lots of feedback on whether or not the characters are as canon as possible. This is a pretty depressing fanfiction so it's hard to tell for me. Also, It would be really nice if people could suggest a title for this fic.
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It was a cold and overcast late afternoon at the Nerima train station. Everything from the station platform to the bustling people seemed to be shrouded in a misty blanket of gray. The atmosphere was stagnant and dismal, as was the disposition of the pedestrians who were waiting for the next train. How strange it was that the weather seemed to mirror the feelings within the hearts of two wandering sisters, Natsume and Kurumi.

The older girl with long, dark brown, almost black, hair wrapped in a high ponytail looked down at her younger sibling.

“We’re finally here.” She said with melancholy. “It’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it Kurumi?”

The younger girl with short hair of burnt umber didn’t bother to look up but nodded in response to her older sister. “Do you think they’ll remember us?”

Natsume glanced at Kurumi for a moment then went back to looking forward. “I’m sure they will. At least Akane wouldn’t forget about us.”

Kurumi slightly smiled at that. “That’s true.”

Natsume looked up at the gray white sky, then back down to her sister. “I think we should get going. It might start to rain soon.”

Kurumi agreed and they started down the path out of the station.

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Kasumi stood at the kitchen sink, with her hands soaked in water and dish soap. It was just another eerily quiet day in the Tendo house. There wasn’t a sound to be heard save for the dishes’ she was watching and the faint sound of the radio in the living room.

That radio was almost always on and tuned to the same station. That’s all her father seemed to do anymore.

Kasumi was so engrossed in her task that she almost missed the faint knock at the front door.

‘Who could that be on a day like today?’

Kasumi wiped her hands on a clean dishtowel and headed down the hall to the main door.

She opened the door with a slight start. She was half expecting Ryoga or Ukyo coming for a visit. The wandering orphan sisters were the last two people she expected to see at their residence.

“Oh my; Natsume and Kasumi right? It’s been such a long time since we’ve seen you girls.”

The girl with ebony hair bowed politely to the elder girl. “Yes it has, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Oh, please come inside,” said Kasumi, as she led the two girls down the hallway.

Natsume didn’t really know Kasumi all that well, but her skin seemed paler then she remembered it and she looked somewhat fatigued. However, both Natsume and Kurumi almost stopped in their tracks upon seeing the man they formerly called father. Soun Tendo had gotten very thin and bags had begun to form under his eyes. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in a hundred years. Despite the man’s worn appearance, they managed to look casual and unnoticing as they greeted the Tendo patriarch and Nabiki who was sitting next to him.

Soun’s weary expression broke into a halfhearted smile as the two girls bowed to him. “My, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen you girls. Almost a year and a half I would think. Please have a seat.”

“Thank you Mr. Tendo.” Natsume said, feeling a tad bit strange saying his name in such a manner. “It’s an honor to be here again.”

“Are you here to challenge the Dojo?” Nabiki said deciding to chime in.

The girl with dark hair smiled a little in reflection to herself. She remembered saying that they would come back to challenge Akane again when they felt ready.

“No; not this time. We just came for a visit.”

Kasumi suddenly came into view again, this time holding a tray with steaming mugs filled with hot coco and marshmallows. Something warm was definitely welcomed on such a cold and rainy day. The girl with Columbia blue eyes smiled at the traveling orphans. “I hope you girls like hot coco,”

“Oh we love it.”

Kurumi would usually be one to jump at the first site of food or sweets, but she simply smiled warmly at the older girl and thanked her for the kind gesture. She didn’t feel quite in the mood to be hyper anymore.

After Kasumi joined the family and everyone took a sip of their coco, Soun turned his attention back to his two guests.

“So, it’s been a long time since we last saw you girls. How have your travels been?”

The girls started to relay the events of their travels all over Japan. They talked about how they crossed mountains and went to different islands; how they got caught stealing food from a farmer and how they saw beautiful waterfalls and amazing sunsets on the beach. The most important story was about how they went back to their orphanage to get new information on their father.

“Hold on; I thought you two lived like gypsies most of your lives?” Nabiki interjected.

“Oh no, we were already in an orphanage when we met the man we thought was our father. We had gotten lost looking for firewood in the mountains when he saved us from that bear. We stayed at the orphanage and trained until we were old enough to leave. I was 13 at the time, and Kurumi was 12. Since the picture we had wasn’t of our real father, we went back there to see if they had any information on him.

“Oh my; so, does this mean you found your father then?”

Both girls turned to Kasumi and their halfhearted smiles immediately turned dismal and grim.

“Yes… we found him…” Natsume reluctantly answered looking down at the table. “But it seems that he didn’t want to be found by us.”

By this time everyone at was bent over the table and listened intently.

Soun didn’t like where this was going but decided to press them further on the mater regardless. “What do you mean by that girls?”

Kurumi could see her sisters’ knuckles turning white from the intense anger she had built up and decided to explain things on her behalf.

“He… He didn’t want us… He told us to leave and never come back....”

Mr. Tendo suddenly slammed a fist on the table to everyone’s frightened surprise. “That’s outrageous! How could a father say such a thing to his daughters!?”

“He had a new family…” Natsume said with a densely bitter tone. “He had new daughters to be with so he had no need for us…” She tried to hold her composure but the tears of pain and hatred had escaped her anyway. “He said that after our mother died he wanted nothing do to with us. So he left us at the first orphanage he could find.” Both sisters were now weeping; Natsume most of all as she strained to talk through her sobs. “He threw us away… like garbage!”

The Tendo family was completely appalled and Soun especially was outraged and discussed beyond believe. Never could he imagine a father being so low and heartless as to throw his own precious daughters away. The thought sickened him that such a man existed.

Soun suddenly stood up in a flash of anger and rage. “Girls, who and where is this man!? Tell me so that I may teach him a lesson in being a proper father!?”

The two sisters looked up at the Tendo patriarch with surprise and a slight bit of awe as a few leftover tears ran down their cheeks. They weren’t used to people caring about their welfare or sticking up for them. They suddenly found themselves smiling in spite of themselves and wiped their tears away.

“We thank you for your bravery but we have already dealt with him.”

Nabiki raised an eyebrow at Natsume. “Dealt with him how?”

“Well,” the younger of the two began to answer with a sniffle. “We were so mad that we ended up accidentally destroying his house and his new family was really angry at him when we left.

Soun had now regained his composure and sat back down with the rest of his family. “It sounds like you girls have been through a lot lately. How would you like to stay here for a while?”

“Oh no, we couldn’t possibly ask for-“

The Tendo patriarch held up a hand, stopping Natsume in mid sentence. “Now, now, I insist. You girls look worn out and I would be delighted for you two to stay for a while.”

With moist eyes, the girls bowed politely in deep gratitude. “You are too kind to us. We shall make sure to repay you somehow.”

“That’s not necessary, Natsume, just make sure to rest up.”

“Um… Mr. Tendo-could I ask you something?” Kurumi said changing the subject.

“Why of course.”

“I’ve been wondering for a while where Akane is? We were looking forward to seeing her.”

Before anyone could respond, the sound of soft footsteps were heard coming from the hall by the stairway. Everyone at the table looked up to see a very unhealthy boy with black hair and a pigtail. His skin was a sickly color of white and dark circles protruded around his, still attractive, blue eyes.

Ranma stopped a second and looked at the two new girls with an exceptionally vacant stare. Unknown to the sisters and the Tendos’, he had heard everything they said. How couldn’t he with all the noise they were making. He just barely registered everyone at the table before he looked away and walked past their view. It’s not like he cared about who was there or what they said. Hell, He didn’t care about anything anymore.

The girls stared at the spot where the boy had been for a second before turning around to regard the family again.

“That was Akane’s boyfriend right?” asked the girl with fluffy hair of burnt umber. “Is he alright? He didn't look so good.”

Kurumi's “boyfriend” remark would have been laughable if not for the circumstance at hand.

Kasumi, Nabiki, and Mr. Tendo looked at the two girls with eyes full of sadness; then Soun found it in himself to speak again. “Girls, I’m sorry to tell you this but Akane is….is….”

“She’s dead.” Nabiki blatantly stated with bitter dejection. “She died almost a year ago.”

The two sisters gasped with a mixture of shock and grief, which was soon followed by tears of despair. In a way, it felt like they had lost two people. One was the man they had envisioned to be their father and the other was Akane; one of the only friends they had ever had.

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“This is the guest room,” said Kasumi gesturing her hand forward into the room.

The sisters took a gracious bow and thanked the oldest Tendo girl for the room. Kurumi walked into the specious room with her older sister but stopped when she suddenly recalled something.

“Wait, doesn’t that boy and his father live in this room?”

Kasumi suddenly became saddened at the mention of Ranma and Natsume gave her little sister a disapproving stare.

The girl with dark grey eyes suddenly realized the error of her question and guilt quickly welled up within her “I’m so sorry Kasumi san. I shouldn’t have asked.”

The oldest Tendo daughter smiled half heartedly at the younger girl “Oh its fine to ask. Ranma lives in the dojo mostly and his father went back to live with his mother, so it quite alright for you girls to use this room.”

“Oh… I see” was the only response Kurumi could think to say as she looked at the floor in thought. She then bowed once again thanking Kasumi for showing them the room and went to help her sister.

So, Ranma was his name. It had been so long since they were last with the Tendos’ that she had forgotten. Kurumi had much concern for him. No one should ‘live’ in a dojo when they had a warm room and more over a mom and dad to go home to.

The two orphans were almost done setting up their futons and sleeping bags when Kurumi got an idea.

“Hay Natsume … I think we should pay our respects to Akane tomorrow. Does that sound okay?”

Natsume smiled softly at her younger sister. She always knew that Kurumi took a liking to Akane for some reason and Akane seemed to take a similar liking to her as well. Natsume recalled the last fight they had together, Akane had targeted her more than Kurumi and she even ran to help her first after the fight was over.

“That sounds like a good idea Kurumi. We’ll make sure to ask Mr. Tendo tomorrow morning alright?”

The girl with the red bow in her hair smiled at her older sister “Okay, thank you Natsume.”

“Well, now that were done in here, let’s go help Kasumi san prepare for dinner.”

And with that, the two girls left the guest room and walked down the stairs.

[Anchoku]

Hmm... Thoughts on canon behavior...

First, Natsume and Kurumi were massive food thieves who were taught a little Indiscriminate Grappling by Happosai, who wore a happi with Tendo's name written on it.

Tendo Soun liked to keep his head down when trouble was around so his burst of outrage is that much more startling.

Saotome Ranma had more than one woman interested in him. Akane's death would hurt but he would not be alone for long. I suspect Soun would engage him to Nabiki and the other women would chase him, too. They have more at stake than simple romance (if romance can be called simple). Ranma also has a hard time staying depressed so continuing to cry over Akane's death a year ago seems unlikely.

"He threw us away... like garbage!" - This is not so simple a thing to do in modern Japan where everyone is well-documented. A delinquent parent there, like here, could go to jail. I do understand, though, you needed a reason for the Tendo family to take them in. My impression of Soun is that a good sob story will get him crying and promising to help rather than getting him angry.

I'm not sure where this story idea is going, though. Could you explain the background?

[LadyRelena]

Saotome Ranma had more than one woman interested in him. Akane's death would hurt but he would not be alone for long. I suspect Soun would engage him to Nabiki and the other women would chase him, too. They have more at stake than simple romance (if romance can be called simple). Ranma also has a hard time staying depressed so continuing to cry over Akane's death a year ago seems unlikely.

This was going to be explained later on in the fic but I suppose I could let the cat out of the bag now. The reason Ranma hadn't gotten over Akane's death is because he blames himself for it. Akane; in this time line, never woke up after getting the cold Jusenkyo water. So, Ranma blames himself for not getting the water in time. As for the other girls; Ranma; feeling heartbroken and guilty finally had the courage to tell both of them the truth about his feelings for Akane. I see Ukyo as the kind of girl who would stick with Ranma even if they were just friends. Shampoo on the other hand, I figured would probably get furious, then cry, and finally go back to her village heart broken (With some final prodding convincing by her great grandmother.)

"He threw us away... like garbage!" - This is not so simple a thing to do in modern Japan where everyone is well-documented. A delinquent parent there, like here, could go to jail. I do understand, though, you needed a reason for the Tendo family to take them in.

He had put them in an orphanage so he's not a delinquent parent by law. That quote by Natsume was meant to be more metaphorical then literal.

My impression of Soun is that a good sob story will get him crying and promising to help rather than getting him angry.

Perhaps, but I thought he would be more angry at some father treating his daughters like crap since he loves his own daughters so much. Watch OAV 11 - "The Evil Ogre! Hell Hath No Fury Like Kasumi Scorned." Soun was willing to have the evil Ogre posses him to get out of Kasumi.

[Pale Wolf]

Okay, it's reasonably fun so far, and I'm a little curious at this point as to where you're going with it, but I do have to point out one thing:

Your character descriptions tend fairly strongly towards the esoteric, and then using that esoteric description to actually indicate who's doing something ('The girl with Columbia blue eyes smiled at the traveling orphans'). The writing of that is a bit... uncomfortable. However, at the same time, constantly repeating bits of the character's appearance is a very good idea - it hammers in to the reader so they actually remember what they look like. I'd suggest using very plain indicators when you're indicating who's acting ('Kasumi', 'the younger orphan', etc), and using the appearance alongside it ('looked out through (insert eye colour) eyes', 'brushed (colour) hair back'). Have ponytails swish, and the like.

One other question - Akane's room. Is it empty now, or something? There seemed no mention of it.

I haven't seen the anime, unfortunately, so I can't speak on Natsume and Kurumi's characterization... and considering that everyone else who showed up is reacting fairly heavily to an event that never happened in canon, you are, to some extent, free to imagine whatever you think their reaction would be. It, at the least, does not strike me as being out of character.

Soun's freakout doesn't strike me as OOC, either - it's true that he's a lily-livered coward, but he's also an unreasonably protective/doting father to begin with, so I can very much see the story hitting his berserk button. That and he's still mourning the death of his own daughter.

(Though, for some reason, Natsume and Kurumi's story about their father is giving me an air of 'he had a serious emotional problem causing him to abandon them', especially considering that the description implies that he's reasonably caring to his new kids - I'm imagining things like 'he just can't stand how much they remind him of their mother', and it's making him a bit more sympathetic than you seem to be going for. If you want to asshole him up, might want to remove the new daughters, and just have him hate kids, so when there's no wife around, he just had no reason to bother.)

“Oh my; Natsume and Kasumi right? It’s been such a long time since we’ve seen you girls.”

Er...

As for the other girls; Ranma; feeling heartbroken and guilty finally had the courage to tell both of them the truth about his feelings for Akane. I see Ukyo as the kind of girl who would stick with Ranma even if they were just friends. Shampoo on the other hand, I figured would probably get furious, then cry, and finally go back to her village heart broken (With some final prodding convincing by her great grandmother.)

Hm... that's a good question.

It's kinda hard to tell, given that most of Ranma's characters are psychotic dumbasses and played that way for laughs, just how they would react in a serious fic.

But, I dunno... Shampoo and Ukyo both strike me as extremely stubborn (ten-year vengeance quest...), so just... giving up? That seems extraordinarily unlikely. Just because Akane was ahead... she's dead. That, for them, equals opportunity - the field's open again, and sure he'll mourn for a bit, but they can make every effort to win his heart at that point.

That said, given that canon portrays them as psychotic dumbasses, they may well say this and trigger Ranma flipping out, possibly to the point where Cologne drags Shampoo back since a homicidal husband would be a bit inconvenient.

Transferring the Tendo arrangement... mm. I could possibly see Genma suggesting it. But Soun and the girls accepting it... no. That smacks rather suspiciously of 'hey, since the old meatsack died, let's put a new one in since who she was was never important'. Which does not strike me as something the Tendos would even consider.

And Anchoku, you missed one major point - sure, they'll pursue, but that doesn't mean Ranma has to, or is necessarily likely to, accept. It's entirely possible to be single and depressive with girls still interested in you.

[Anchoku]

First, if I may suggest, simply shortening the length of time between Akane's death and the return of Natsume and Kurumi would make the teary-eyed scene more believable. Remembering a deep personal crisis from a year ago would not make me cry my eyes out even if I broke up with someone or watched a horrific death by a rogue farm implement. Sure, I'd be sad and depressed but...

The slight problem I have with Ranma being still single after an entire year in mourning is that I don't believe anyone would allow it. Both his parents want him married. After an appropriate period of grieving, Genma would be cutting a new deal with Soun and Nodoka would be pushing for grandchildren at the first available opportunity. They might respect his emotional state enough to cut him some slack but a year seems like pushing it for those two. Remember when Ranma was hit with Happosai's Ultimate Weakness Moxibustion, or was it Herb's Locking Ladel, and Soun promised he would join the houses if Ranma could not marry Akane? Aside from that being a sick joke to begin with, little things like that make it hard to imagine any of Akane's rivals or the adults leaving him alone. This is another reason to shorten the span of time before Natsume and Kurumi return.

Still, neither girl is actually related to Tendo Soun so if the plan was to marry him to the wandering food vacuums, I would not expect Soun to support that idea.

Anyway, that is just my take on the plot setup thus far. It doesn't have to be perfect to make a good fanfic out of. Heaven knows how many completely unconvincing introductions I've read and this is far from the worst for a start. Why don't you sketch and outline of the story and see how it goes? That's the best way, I've found. It helps me find dead ends, or ways around them, quickly.

[Pale Wolf]

The slight problem I have with Ranma being still single after an entire year in mourning is that I don't believe anyone would allow it. Both his parents want him married. After an appropriate period of grieving, Genma would be cutting a new deal with Soun and Nodoka would be pushing for grandchildren at the first available opportunity. They might respect his emotional state enough to cut him some slack but a year seems like pushing it for those two.

For Nodoka and Genma, yes. But you're missing three more of the key factors in the matter.

Soun, Kasumi/Nabiki (whichever would get considered for the new engagement), and Ranma himself.

Genma may try to cut a new deal with Soun, but you're forgetting that Soun needs to agree with it, and given the recent death of his daughter, is unlikely to. Kasumi and Nabiki, the replacement fiancees, would be just as unlikely to go along with the idea.

As for Ranma? He's already gone a year or two single despite having just as much pressure as he would have after Akane's death, or more. Another year isn't even slightly unreasonable.

[three headed dog]

I don't know much about the anime, which this is clearly based on, but in the event of Akane or really any of his fiancees dying I always figured Ranma would do something like challenge the ruler of the afterlife Emma-o or one of the other death gods/kami, convince one of the kami or ghosts he has met to take him to the shores of the Sanzu river (Buddhist river of the dead seen several times in the manga) and/or seek magic to bring her back. Him giving up and being despondent really doesn't seem all that likely to me until he has tried many means of bringing the dead back; things like trying to pull her soul into a new body maybe made of clay (particularly since he has seen that it can be done, when the doll spirit pulled Akane's spirit/soul out of her body and stuck it into the doll and he has met several kami/ghosts).

Personally I find it strange for Nabiki to say that they live liked gypsies since there are no (or so close to none that it's in the single digits) gypsies living in Japan or even in China. If anything I'd expect her to say something like a wandering monk or lord-less samurai.

edited in: I also find it strange that you use the English honorific of Mr. for Soun but the Japanese honorific of san for Kasumi.

[LadyRelena]

(Though, for some reason, Natsume and Kurumi's story about their father is giving me an air of 'he had a serious emotional problem causing him to abandon them', especially considering that the description implies that he's reasonably caring to his new kids - I'm imagining things like 'he just can't stand how much they remind him of their mother', and it's making him a bit more sympathetic than you seem to be going for. If you want to asshole him up, might want to remove the new daughters, and just have him hate kids, so when there's no wife around, he just had no reason to bother.)

I wanted to give the extra stinging feeling that Natsume and Kurumi weren't only abandon but replaced as well. There really are asshole parents who will have children at a young age, give them up, then have another family years later. It's usually because they don't know what to do as young parents, or having the children was purely an accident to begin with. This will probably be the untold story of their past: Basically, their father, never wanted to be a father in the first place, but once he realized their mother (his then wife) was pregnant, he figured he could deal with it. After the girl's mother dies three months after giving birth to Kurumi, their father becomes extremely bitter and foul toward them. He never wanted to be a father at the time anyway and with the added hatred of blaming Kurumi for his wife's death, it would have been more than easy for him to dump them off at some random orphanage.

But, I dunno... Shampoo and Ukyo both strike me as extremely stubborn (ten-year vengeance quest...), so just... giving up? That seems extraordinarily unlikely. Just because Akane was ahead... she's dead. That, for them, equals opportunity - the field's open again, and sure he'll mourn for a bit, but they can make every effort to win his heart at that point.

I understand that both girls are stubborn but I think if Ranma made his intentions 'absolutely clear' I doubt they would keep going after him. Remember, Ranma has never made his feelings clear to any of the girls and even went out of his way to make sure they (or at least Shampoo) still liked/loved him. (The cursed Jewel arc) He's had chances to get rid of both Ukyo and Shampoo on a few occasions but didn't. So, unless Ranma tells them otherwise, I'm sure they still think there's a chance to win him over.

That being said, Ukyo is quite the forgiving character and would eventually be okay with "just being friends." Shampoo however, would probably be furious for being strung along all this time. Then I think she would eventually break down and start crying after realizing that she had been wasting all her time and now most likely had to face some punishment back at her village. I feel it would be akin to when she cried the first time she left. (the time when Ranma lied to her and told her he was born a girl) In fact I could possibly make a connection to that moment so it would make more sense to the reader.

Transferring the Tendo arrangement...

I'm sure Genma would be stupid and insensitive enough to suggest it but neither Soun nor the other girls would ever go along with it, not to mention Ranma (All for reasons that have already been explained.)

First, if I may suggest, simply shortening the length of time between Akane's death and the return of Natsume and Kurumi would make the teary-eyed scene more believable. Remembering a deep personal crisis from a year ago would not make me cry my eyes out even if I broke up with someone or watched a horrific death by a rogue farm implement. Sure, I'd be sad and depressed but...

The only reason I have the events happening after such a lengthy period is because I couldn't find a suitable amount of time to insert the OVA arc into the manga time line. I know that Natsume and Kurumi stayed with the Tendo's at least three days before they challenged Akane for the Dojo. Then Akane trained for at least a week after that.

According to mzephyrus time line http://home.comcast.net/~mzephyrus/timeline.html the only spot I could reasonably place the OVA events were around Apr 30th where Happosai discovers the stolen underwear has changed to paper, through May 05th which is Children’s Day Holiday.

I always figured Ranma would do something like challenge the ruler of the afterlife Emma-o or one of the other death gods/kami, convince one of the kami or ghosts he has met to take him to the shores of the Sanzu river (Buddhist river of the dead seen several times in the manga) and/or seek magic to bring her back.

I could put in that he had tried a few of those things and failed? I would need more information on the Buddhist river of the dead. I don't remember seeing it in the manga, but then, I haven't read every single chapter.

EDIT: By the way - Do any of you have any suggestions for a title?

[Pale Wolf]

He never wanted to be a father at the time anyway and with the added hatred of blaming Kurumi for his wife's death, it would have been more than easy for him to dump them off at some random orphanage.

This.

This is the part you play up. It makes his actions make sense, and assholes him up as you desire. 'Wanted nothing to do with us'? Screw that noise, you've got gold here: 'He said Kurumi killed Mama (insert how she'd have done so), and he couldn't stand to see our faces...'

I understand that both girls are stubborn but I think if Ranma made his intentions 'absolutely clear' I doubt they would keep going after him.

Mm... possibly, but I don't think they'd give up. Don't forget Shampoo's reaction to 'he probably loves Akane' was 'wipe Akane's memory', not 'give up'.

And no matter how absolutely clear he's planning to be, I doubt he'd stay in mourning forever. He may well think so, but he's sixteen, and dumb enough to fall for Akane in the first place.

So no matter what, as long as the girls don't screw themselves over (by, for instance, celebrating Akane's death - which, btw, is in-character for Shampoo), there's always the possibility in the future. No matter how 'absolutely clear' he is, his mind will change, and they know it (though less on their part from a keen understanding of human nature and more from delusional tendencies that lead them to the right answer).

I mean... heck, aren't you planning on having his mind change at some point in-fic?

Sure, they know Akane had won, but she forfeited the prize when she died. And sooner or later he'll be ready to love again - so they're not too likely to skip out on round two.