Untitled Ranma/Naruto crossover fic (New: Ch. 23 to 32)

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Untitled Ranma/Naruto crossover fic (New: Ch. 26)

Postby Vasey » Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:14 pm

I've been working on this one for a year or so now, just showing it to people I talk to on IRC*, but I think it's about time to give it a slightly wider audience and see how it goes down. Feedback is, of course, appreciated, though I think it's fair to say that there won't be any fundamental reworking of the story at this point because it has too much bulk for that to be particularly feasible for a spare-time project.

* Thanks to Cornuthaum, fuzzyelf, MageOhki, and yasuhei. Possibly others as well. I apologise if my spotty memory has resulted in my leaving some out who have offered feedback and advice.

Anyway, on to the story.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Ninteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Last edited by Vasey on Thu Oct 13, 2011 1:06 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Postby al103 » Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:29 pm

No overpowering, no bashing, decent mix to naruto plotline... I like it. The best Ranma cross that i see around actually and the third best Naruto cross. And i want more.

PS. And decent OC... I love this fic.
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Postby Sailor Sedai (Ellf) » Mon Nov 17, 2008 1:02 am

Damn you for leaving a cliffhanger on the last chapter. I want to see how the rest of the time goes. Overall, it was a well done fic. I fully enjoyed the characterization of everyone.
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Postby Ran » Mon Nov 17, 2008 1:33 am

In chapter 17:

Hayate coughed. “If you interesting again,” he said, “I'll have to disqualify you.”

You probably meant interfere.

I'll have a couple of comments on the story once I finish it.

I also am confused, when and how was Tayuya's flute damaged in the fight? From Ranma's aura flare to break the genjutsu?

With respect to the story I'm really enjoying a portrayal of Ranma who enjoys the chaos that springs up around him and also the way Mousse enjoys things catching up with Ranma.

Also curse your cliffhangering!
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Postby Ordieth117 » Mon Nov 17, 2008 7:21 am

I enjoyed reading it. There seems to be a propensity towards missing words in your sentences, but most everything still makes sense with a little 'fill in the blank'.
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Postby lwf58 » Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:57 am

Just read chapter 1. A major problem is that the events were rushed. Everybody just goes along with things without a protest or second thought. Ranma, Ryouga, and Mousse are all extremely - and unbelievably - accepting of their situation and adapt to it for absolutely no reason and with no bad reactions. People aren't wired that way.

Next, ANBU isn't a police force. They don't break up fights on street. That's what the Military Police are for, and they didn't cease to exist just because the Uchiha were slaughtered; the Uchiha made up a large percentage of the MP, but not all of it, and the force has had many years to recover from their loss. ANBU is more akin to Navy SEALs, or Army Green Berets. They are military operations teams that specialize in assassinations and other dirty jobs. They also serve as the Hokage's personal guard.

Last point - people taken to see Ibiki do not generally walk away from it with all of their body parts intact. He's not a "teddy bear", he's more like a grizzly bear. He doesn't ask questions. He demands answers, and if he doesn't get them the first time... things get very, very nasty. He is very definitely not the person they take people to casually. They take people to him when they want answers and don't care what's left when he's done. How he works was shown in a recent omake of Naruto Shippuuden: a man who acted as a fence for missing nin was captured, and was suspected of having info about Akatsuki. Ibiki had him in the stereotypical dark room with a light shining in his eyes. Ibiki asked him a few questions, and when he didn't immediately spill the answers, Ibiki said, "Okay. I tried asking politely. Now we do things my way." The omake cuts off as some very disturbing noises begin.
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Postby Keflyn » Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:33 am

really really good, didn't nerf any of them and managed to stay true to each character. please, oh please, let there be more soon!
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Postby Vasey » Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:03 pm

No overpowering, no bashing, decent mix to naruto plotline... I like it. The best Ranma cross that i see around actually and the third best Naruto cross. And i want more.

PS. And decent OC... I love this fic.


Extravagant praise indeed!

Damn you for leaving a cliffhanger on the last chapter. I want to see how the rest of the time goes. Overall, it was a well done fic. I fully enjoyed the characterization of everyone.


Cliffhanger? Really? I didn't see it as such. The battle's over and the results are in. Then again, I know exactly what's coming next and just need to find the time and energy to turn it into words on the screen. It's bound to be different for those who don't have that.

Hayate coughed. “If you interesting again,” he said, “I'll have to disqualify you.”

You probably meant interfere.


Damned auto-complete! Cheers for the pointer. I'll fix that up before it gets posted elsewhere.

I'll have a couple of comments on the story once I finish it.

I also am confused, when and how was Tayuya's flute damaged in the fight? From Ranma's aura flare to break the genjutsu?


Ranma used his speed to get in close to Tayuya and pinch the end of the flute shut after he did his aura flare. That's the sort of trick you only let yourself get caught in the once if you can help it, and Ranma can. I'll have to go and look at it again if it's not clear.

With respect to the story I'm really enjoying a portrayal of Ranma who enjoys the chaos that springs up around him and also the way Mousse enjoys things catching up with Ranma.


I've never, ever been able to buy into the sort of characterization where Ranma really doesn't enjoy the chaos at all and wants a quiet life. It just doesn't fit in my mind with the guy who spends pretty much the entire series running around getting into more and more trouble without making even the slightest effort to change and start avoiding it.

Also curse your cliffhangering!


Hmm, a second vote for it being a cliffhanger. I just don't see it, but two votes to one is two votes to one.

I enjoyed reading it. There seems to be a propensity towards missing words in your sentences, but most everything still makes sense with a little 'fill in the blank'.


Really? I haven't heard that one before but it wouldn't surprise me too much. I tend to write in fits and spurts – days going by with virtually nothing before motivation and inspiration strikes which results in thousands of words pouring out in one go – which is an approach that'd lend itself to such mistakes. They're a bugger to spot going over it again as well.

Just read chapter 1. A major problem is that the events were rushed. Everybody just goes along with things without a protest or second thought. Ranma, Ryouga, and Mousse are all extremely - and unbelievably - accepting of their situation and adapt to it for absolutely no reason and with no bad reactions. People aren't wired that way.


You have a point there. They're used to weirdness - a demon teleports them to God only knows where? Well, it's not really any more bizarre than, say, Ryugenzawa – but I may have had them be a bit too unfussed about it.

Next, ANBU isn't a police force. They don't break up fights on street. That's what the Military Police are for, and they didn't cease to exist just because the Uchiha were slaughtered; the Uchiha made up a large percentage of the MP, but not all of it, and the force has had many years to recover from their loss. ANBU is more akin to Navy SEALs, or Army Green Berets. They are military operations teams that specialize in assassinations and other dirty jobs. They also serve as the Hokage's personal guard.


On this, I disagree with you entirely. Ranma and company are obviously, very obviously, not just some young hoodlums and they don't wear Konoha colours. Having foreign shinobi show up in their village without notice and then act so brazenly is exactly the sort of thing you'd send the dirty-work boys out for just in case. The last thing you want is to suddenly be half a dozen policemen less because you had some super-powered psychos passing through. Paranoia is a way of life for these people.

Last point - people taken to see Ibiki do not generally walk away from it with all of their body parts intact. He's not a "teddy bear", he's more like a grizzly bear. He doesn't ask questions. He demands answers, and if he doesn't get them the first time... things get very, very nasty. He is very definitely not the person they take people to casually. They take people to him when they want answers and don't care what's left when he's done. How he works was shown in a recent omake of Naruto Shippuuden: a man who acted as a fence for missing nin was captured, and was suspected of having info about Akatsuki. Ibiki had him in the stereotypical dark room with a light shining in his eyes. Ibiki asked him a few questions, and when he didn't immediately spill the answers, Ibiki said, "Okay. I tried asking politely. Now we do things my way." The omake cuts off as some very disturbing noises begin.


I've been working almost exclusively from the manga. I've seen the anime up till where it headed into filler hell and I've never felt the need to get back to it since it left it again; possibly something to do with my general disillusionment with the post-timeskip storylines.

Anyway, Ibiki always seemed more of a psychological sadist than a physical one to me. That's the impression I got from the chuunin exam arc and that was the only source I had on him to work from. From what I've seen of recent chapters of the manga, this would fit the way they dealt with the guy Jiraiya sent back from his epic showdown – no physical torture involved, just whittling away with fancy techniques.

really really good, didn't nerf any of them and managed to stay true to each character. please, oh please, let there be more soon!


Thank you. I'll be working on it, though, obviously, no promises.

In general, thanks for the feedback, people. It's appreciated.
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Postby Cheb » Wed Nov 19, 2008 1:57 am

but then Naruto disappeared with a pop and a much less bettered looking one stepped out from behind one of the trees.

On second thoughts maybe note.


I'm not against it being a little bit rushed at the start since it makes for a great story :)
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Postby Vasey » Wed Nov 19, 2008 6:14 pm

Cheb wrote:but then Naruto disappeared with a pop and a much less bettered looking one stepped out from behind one of the trees.

On second thoughts maybe note.


I'm not against it being a little bit rushed at the start since it makes for a great story :)


Gah. I'm going to have to go over these chapters with a fine tooth comb to shake out the mistakes, it seems. Thanks for the feedback, though. Always best to know these things before I post it up for the world to see.
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Postby Cheb » Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:15 am

Take a look at this tool:
http://www.fukufics.com/viewtopic.php?t=3196
You may find it useful :)
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Postby Vasey » Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:08 pm

That's an interesting looking tool. I'll have to see about cooking up a shell script to attach it to my pages at some point. Cheers for the pointer.
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Postby Ezvir » Sat Nov 22, 2008 3:03 am

Awesome.
The best Ranma/Naruto crossover I'm aware of, even with strong competition like Tales of the Foxcat, mostly because the series are combined in a way that actually makes sense and allows them to blend together.

The only serious problem for me was Anko using Kakashi's introduction routine + bell test. That almost made me quit reading right there, and definitely would have made me quit reading if I hadn't already seen some of the opinions in this thread. It could be made work somewhat if Anko stealing/ borrowing form Kakashi was explained more explicitly, or if she was using something similar, but not the exact likes - dislikes - dreams form.

The Ranma side characterisations were a refreshing break from some fanon conventions, closer to the original, but at the same time your own take.

I liked that you didn't waste any time on the crossover plot device so the lack of originality didn't matter.

A minor "problem" was using elements that have been overused in other fanfics, like fiancée jokes and people turning out to have been clones all along as soon as they are hit. Not that they have been overused here, but I seem to have been over-sensitized. Even without bringing other fics into consideration you could have done with fewer dango references IMO.


On the Naruto side you managed to find a balance avoiding both sticking to the canon sequence of events too long and changing things arbitrarily and for no good reason. You could have mixed things up a bit more if you wanted, but it worked this way, too. I liked that you skipped events that transpired without changes or emotional involvement of Ranma characters, but maybe you could have summarized their reactions to a few more of these events and trimmed the recapitulation of events with emotional involvement a bit more?

I almost always hate scenes where teenagers bargain with influential elders, but somehow you managed to make it work for me here. Maybe because while neither side is completely taken advantage of, the elder gets the better side of the deal and no stupid and overly blunt blackmail is involved.
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Postby Vasey » Sat Nov 22, 2008 3:37 pm

Awesome.
The best Ranma/Naruto crossover I'm aware of, even with strong competition like Tales of the Foxcat, mostly because the series are combined in a way that actually makes sense and allows them to blend together.


Thanks!

The only serious problem for me was Anko using Kakashi's introduction routine + bell test. That almost made me quit reading right there, and definitely would have made me quit reading if I hadn't already seen some of the opinions in this thread. It could be made work somewhat if Anko stealing/ borrowing form Kakashi was explained more explicitly, or if she was using something similar, but not the exact likes - dislikes - dreams form.


To be honest, I didn't really think a great deal about this section. The whole introductions part seems to mundane to me as to be totally generic. I had Anko put a slightly different spin on the bell challenge (mostly because Anko trying to pull what Kakashi did with Team 7 would have made a pretty damned short chapter and failed miserably to make the point I was after) but I didn't see a lot of point in going beyond that.

The Ranma side characterisations were a refreshing break from some fanon conventions, closer to the original, but at the same time your own take.


I've not been reading much Ranma fanfiction the last year or so*. That's probably at least part of the reason why my story lacks certain aspects of the common fanon.

* More because I've found a distinct lack of anything worth reading in the Ranma 1/2 fandom during this period than anything else. Maybe my tastes have changed.

I liked that you didn't waste any time on the crossover plot device so the lack of originality didn't matter.


I must credit this one to fuzzyelf. It was his idea to scrub the opening fight and just get to the meat of things.

A minor "problem" was using elements that have been overused in other fanfics, like fiancée jokes and people turning out to have been clones all along as soon as they are hit. Not that they have been overused here, but I seem to have been over-sensitized. Even without bringing other fics into consideration you could have done with fewer dango references IMO.


$ grep [dD]ango *.html | wc -l
4

I don't think four mentions of dango in 21 chapters is excessive. Perhaps the problem comes from their being concentrated almost entirely in the second chapter? Three mentions in chapter two, and one in chapter nineteen, is all I have if my regular expression isn't broken in some way.

The clones thing is a pretty standard aspect of the fighting style used by many Naruto ninja and I'd not want to deviate too far from that. They make for good decoys/traps in too many circumstances for it not to happen really. Still, you're right, I'd be best off giving my characters other gambits to use for such situations because if everyone uses clones for such things then it will become tedious quite quickly.

The fiancee stuff should tail off naturally as Ranma and co. become more part of the Naruto world and less focused and where they came from. At least that's the theory.

On the Naruto side you managed to find a balance avoiding both sticking to the canon sequence of events too long and changing things arbitrarily and for no good reason. You could have mixed things up a bit more if you wanted, but it worked this way, too. I liked that you skipped events that transpired without changes or emotional involvement of Ranma characters, but maybe you could have summarized their reactions to a few more of these events and trimmed the recapitulation of events with emotional involvement a bit more?


I struggled with what to cut out, what to summarise, and what to cover in full detail during the chunin exam arc. It's about as good as the Naruto series gets, but it's also deeply bloated nd introduces far too many characters doing far too many things that make precisely zero difference to the plot. As much as I do like the arc, reading it that is, I can't say I'm sorry that I'm done with it in this story because it was a real headache. You can tell the problems I had from the way the chapter size bloats up. I do NOT enjoy writing chapters that go on that long; it's soul-sapping.

On the plus side I have no intention of going through a canon story arc in such a fashion again so the problem won't occur again I've already hit my first major point of divergence from the canon plot and the second isn't too far off. With those in place there's no foreseeable reason (haven't done any detailed plotting as of yet but my current thoughts lean this way) I'd be covering a canon arc like that again.

I almost always hate scenes where teenagers bargain with influential elders, but somehow you managed to make it work for me here. Maybe because while neither side is completely taken advantage of, the elder gets the better side of the deal and no stupid and overly blunt blackmail is involved.


They're not something I like all that much either. I gave some serious thought to that scene and how to avoid running into the things that annoy me in most fanfiction that includes such things, and I'm glad to hear that at least one person thinks it turned out well.
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Postby al103 » Sun Nov 23, 2008 1:53 am

Note for the future - i hope you use complex view of Sasuke situation. It was really close call in the manga and if not stupid Kakashi rant "vengeance is bad" without any good proof and what he should do instead it could go very different.
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