Page 1 of 2

Final Fantasy IV 1/2 - Revised prologue

PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:51 am
by Dumbledork
Prologue

“I’m home!” A wet and female Ranma shouted as she entered the house.

Kasumi came out of the kitchen and warmly welcomed the young woman who was like a brother, or rather sister at the moment, to her. “Welcome back, Ranma. How was your day?”


“Same old, same old, except for the end” she answered in a cheerful tone. “You remember that I took a flight via Akane Air, right?”


Kasumi nodded. “She shouldn’t have done that. It’s most improper to hit a guest, especially if he hasn’t done anything to warrant such a punishment.”


Seeing Kasumi reprimand her sister, Ranma had a smile on her face. The young woman really was the only one in the household who was sympathetic to his plight. “Well, Akane was in a rare form today and managed to break her old distance record. Thank God I landed in a tree and not in a wall, like I did last time. I thought this was my lucky day, but it shouldn’t last. While I was trying to find my back, I was attacked by Ryoga, who sprouted his usual ‘Ranma, prepare to die!’ speech. He has improved a bit and was able to land a few hits, but I rapidly put him down.

As I was entering Nerima I met Mousse. You can probably imagine what happened next. He launched his chains at me, but, as he wasn’t wearing his glasses, he missed and got a steel post. I simply left not bothering with him as he really doesn’t present a decent challenge.

Next one was Kuno. You’d imagine that someone is telling them where they can find me. That encounter was rather pathetic and I didn’t even give him the time to recite his horrible poetry and knocked him out.

Not much to tell, really, until I got splashed by the old freak. He took me completely by surprise and groped me. That’s when I really lost it. I was already tired and in no mood to deal with him. So I opened my shirt and managed to distract him long enough to sucker punch the pervert. I was so angry that I didn’t stopped hitting him until he was unconscious. And I felt a lot better afterwards. Now I know why girls like to hit perverts, it’s really liberating.”


Kasumi smiled at the martial artist. ‘She must be really happy to have defeated Grandfather Happosai at last’. “That’s nice to hear. He shouldn’t have groped you. I don’t know what I would do if that ever happened to me. It’s not like I could defend myself against a letch.”

“Don’t worry, Kasumi. I’ll protect you. But I really can’t imagine anyone ever assaulting you. You’re much too nice.”


“Thank you for your kind words. But you should take a bath. Dinner will be ready soon. The others are already here.”


“Okay, Kasumi. See you later.” Ranma climbed the stairs and knocked on Akane’s door. “Hey, Akane! I’m going to take a bath, so I would be glad if for once you didn’t barge in.”


When Akane violently opened the door to show her displeasure at that last comment, the redhead was already gone.


Meanwhile, a battered and heavily bruised Happosai crawled into the house. ‘That ungrateful brat. Denying an old man some harmless fun. If he thinks I’ll let this one go he’s gravely mistaken. He’s probably gloating at the moment, but just you wait. I have just the right thing to show him the error of his ways and get him firmly under my thumb, especially his delicious female form’. The old martial artist grinned sadistically while harbouring these thoughts. He hobbled to his room and browsed through his collection of scrolls.


01234543210


“Hey Kain, wait for me!”


“Hurry up, Cecil! The sooner we’re done in Mist Village, the sooner we can head back to Baron.” I’m sure you don’t want to keep Rosa waiting too long,” the dragoon teased his companion.


“You’re right. I can’t wait to see her again. Sweet, charming Rosa. The fairest of them all. The...”


“Okay, okay, I got it. She’s perfect. I know that already. Honestly, I shouldn’t have mentioned her.”


The reprimand sobered the dark knight up. “Right, we have a mission to accomplish. The king could at least have given me a few days to rest after the attack on Mysidia. I still feel bad about what we did.”


“You just did your job, Cecil. Don’t think too much about it. Just... LOOK OUT! SWORD RATS!”


Kain’s shout immediately startled his friend out of his daydream. It only took him an instant to draw his sword and get into position. ‘Damn! I didn’t know there were any monsters in this cave’. Kain already had his lance in his hands. “Alright! Let’s do this.”


Their opponents numbered two. The Sword Rats’ most deadly weapon is the sharp spines that cover their backs. But Cecil and Kain managed to surprise them and launched a preemptive attack. The rats were dead before they could retaliate.


“Well, that was easy,” Kain said, “nothing to be worried about.”


“You should stay on your guard, Kain. Who knows what else is lurking around?”


“That coming from the guy who was daydreaming a few moments ago, in hostile territory?” Kain answered in a mocking tone.


Cecil couldn’t hide a blush of embarrassment, but did indeed take the mission more seriously. Just as they started to relax a bit they were sneak attacked by a group of Insectus.


“KAIN! LOOK OUT!” Cecil shouted and jumped over to the dragoon. He was too late, though, as the monster had managed to bite Kain and inject him with poison. “SHIT!” Kain exclaimed.


“No time to look after the wound. Stay focussed on the battle, Kain! There are too many of them. DARK WAVE!” Cecil yelled and a dark energy beam left his sword and obliterated the enemies in front of him.


“Good job!” Kain said. “Now it’s my turn. JUMP!” The dragoon jumped high in the air and while keeping his lance in front of him gained velocity while descending and impaled the Insectus. The last one was easily dealt with as the dark knight killed it with a simple sword strike.


“Where are all these things coming from?” Cecil lamented. “It’s getting worse by the day. Soon Baron will be completely overrun by the monsters.”


KNIGHTS OF BARON.


“Huh? Did you hear that, Kain?”


“Yes, I heard it. Wonder who that voice belongs to. It doesn’t sound human, though. Do you think it might be some kind of monster?” He then decided to address the voice directly, “Who are you?”

LEAVE NOW AND NO HARM WILL BEFALL YOU.


“Confident bastard, aren't you?” Kain sneered


YOU REFUSE?


Cecil decided to get a word in too, “Yes. We have to go to Mist Village. We're not going back.”


SO BE IT.


“Cecil, look! The mist is gathering. I wonder what that means.”


“It---it’s gaining from. Looks like some kind of mist dragon. Do you think it’s dangerous?”


Just as Cecil had finished uttering those words the monster attacked.


01234543210


Back at the Tendo home the Saotomes and the Tendos had gathered around the table and were partaking of another one of Kasumi’s culinary masterworks. The only one missing was Happosai. No one had seen him since his defeat at Ranma’s hands. The pigtailed boy was still in high spirits after his defeat of the dreaded master and wasn’t sparing any thought on the possible plans for revenge probably blossoming in the old letch’s perverted mind.


But Happosai wasn’t out for the count. Not by a long shot. He was biding his time, very confident in his upcoming victory against the little brat who had dared to lay his hands on him. He had just the right thing amongst his belongings to teach his impudent heir a lesson. “Just wait, Ranma. You never should have done that. You will pay a hundredfold for my humiliating defeat. Mark my words; you will go down.”


Ranma had no idea of what was awaiting him and, after everyone had finished eating, he decided to do something nice and help Kasumi clearing out the table and washing the dishes. And having the chance to talk to his only real friend in the household influenced his decision to some extent.


In the meantime, Genma and Soun had left on one of their famous drinking binges, Nabi had returned to her room to finish her homework, and Akane had decided to take a bath.


As Ranma and Kasumi were working in the kitchen, telling each other some jokes and stories, and generall having quite some fun together, they didn’t notice the small, shrivelled gnome that approached them, until the small figure decided to talk.


“RANMA!” The grandmaster of Anything Goes called out the aqua-transsexual martial artist. “That was the last straw. I can’t let you continue defying your master like that. It’s high time someone taught you to respect your elders. And I have just the right thing to punish you. It was a good idea to keep that scroll I liberated from a temple two centuries ago. With a strike of his pipe he launched Ranma through the roof, but in his rage hadn’t noticed that Kasumi was gripping black haired boy’s arm and thus being put in danger. Ranma immediately noticed the additional weight accompanying him on his flight and did his best to protect the unfortunate woman from a nasty fall. He managed to land in the courtyard, on his feet, and put Kasumi down, relieved that his friend hadn’t been hurt.


While he was inquiring about the brunette’s health, Happosai had joined them in the yard. “Now I can show you your doom. There wasn’t enough space in the kitchen.” The old bastard took a scroll out of his dimensional pocket and unrolled it. “Do you know what this is?” He asked in a crazed tone. “Of course you don’t. Let me enlighten you. This is a very rare summoning scroll that will enable me to summon a creature that will show you your place. I SUMMON YOU, IFRIT!”


As soon as the spiteful man had uttered that name a very large and incredibly hot burning portal formed in midair. A very large humanoid creature slowly walked out of it. It was at least 4 meters long and two very long, curved horns were growing out of his head. Akane and Nabiki, who were watching the action from their rooms quickly closed their windows and hid behind their beds. No way did they want to be anywhere nears that creature.


“WHO DARES SUMMON THE FIRE SPIRIT, IFRIT?” It bellowed


01234543210


“That was one tough battle,” Kain said after they had left the Mist Valley. “I hope it will be smooth sailing from now on. No way do I want to fight again today. I’m too damn tired.”


“I agree,” the dark knight answered. “Still, I wonder why that monster attacked us. It seemed intelligent enough. I wonder why it was waiting there.” While Cecil was musing about the monster they defeated, the bomb ring that was entrusted to them by the king started glowing. “What the...” he uttered, gaining Kain’s attention.


Then a horde of Bombs flew out of the ring and attacked the houses until the whole village was a burning furnace.


01234543210


“I did,” the aged master reverently answered. I order you to punish Ranma for his misdeeds against his master!”


“YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER ME AROUND? ME, THE ALMIGHTY IFRIT? SUCH IMPUDENCE I’VE NEVER ENCOUNTERED BEFORE. KNOW, MORTAL, THAT ONLY A SUMMONER OF MIST, OR A KINDHEARTED BEING WE SUMMONS GAVE THE RIGHT TO, MAI SUMMON ONE OF MY KIND. FOR THIS OUTRAGE YOU MUST PAY!”


Happosai was sweating a lot and slowly backing away. He really hadn’t foreseen this complication. It would be more prudent to get away and let Ranma deal with the irate creature. After all, it’s his responsibility to protect his master. But while he was looking for Ranma, he noticed that the pigtailed boy wasn’t anywhere to be found. Ranma, for once, did the intelligent thing and hid behind a tree with Kasumi. No way was he attacking that monster. He may be reckless, sometimes, but he wasn’t stupid. As Happosai was unable to find a scapegoat to divert Ifrit’s attention he turned around to look at the summoned being. “OH SH...!” He had just the time to hear “HELLFIRE!” before he knew no more. Not even ashes remained of the unfortunate letch.


“IT IS DONE. THE OFFENDER HAS BEEN PUNISHED.”


After its deed was done, the creature opened another portal to return home. But then something impossible happened. Well, not impossible, but very unlikely. But then, the black haired boy dealt with the impossible almost daily. This portal, combined with the large explosions caused by the Bombs in Mist Village, ripped an opening in the time space continuum that sucked Ranma and Kasumi in.


01234543210


Shortly afterwards a portal opened in the Mist Village, leaving the unfortunate young people behind. All they could see were burning houses and a young girl being approached by two sinister men wearing heavy suits of armour. The girl was cowering and crying a lot and abviously very afraid.


This enraged Ranma who couldn’t stand to see a little girl being scared and without even looking if Kasumi was alright he launched an attack. “You bastards! Leave the poor girl alone.”


***BESTIARY PROLOGUE***

Sword Rat: the Sword Rat is among the less dangerous of monsters and looks like a cross between a rat and a porcupine, but is the size of a large pony. Its most dangerous weapon and also its greatest protection are the sharp spines covering its back. The Sword Rat can launch them at their enemies with deadly accuracy and they grow back immediately. More than one underequipped adventurer has been impaled by these sharp needles.


Insectus: The Insectus is a very large blue larva with yellow motives covering its body. It doesn’t look like much, but this monster generally appears in groups of 2-4 individuals and is quite poisonous. But to an intelligent and careful adventurer, who carries a supply of antidotes, this monster is nothing more than an irritating pest. However, don’t forget to restock, if you run out of antidotes.


Bomb: the Bomb is one of the most vicious and spiteful magical creatures in existence. It does value victory more than its life and doesn’t hesitate to sacrifice itself for the chance to take its enemy with it into death. The Bomb is a fiery sphere the size of a human with a very large maw, containing large and pointy teeth. Its arms are only small stubs not even strong enough to grab anything. It has two large eyes that are formed in a perpetual frown. Its hair is made of fiery tendrils that end in small balls of fire.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:49 pm
by Tovath
I think you need to work on characterization some. Cecil and Kain are acting way to goofy.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:58 pm
by Dumbledork
Tovath wrote:I think you need to work on characterization some. Cecil and Kain are acting way to goofy.


I know. But I need to add some human interaction if I want to avoid a boring trascription of the game. There's really not that much dialogue in the game and would make for a really boring story. Especially since this will be not pure Final Fantasy IV.

The basic plot remains, but I'll use spells and summons from other FF games, as well as jobs. I'll use the XP and AP point system from FF V. I'll even add a whole new continent, populated with monsters from other FF Games and maybe even add a dark and light crystal.

Ranma won't have purely FF IV skills either, because he'll be a blue mage. His other job will not be revealed yet.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:14 pm
by Tovath
Dumbledork wrote:I know. But I need to add some human interaction if I want to avoid a boring trascription of the game. There's really not that much dialogue in the game and would make for a really boring story. Especially since this will be not pure Final Fantasy IV.


True, but Cecil has just been releaved from command of the Red Wings so he is going to be consedbley more downbeat then you are showing him

Dumbledork wrote:I'll use the XP and AP point system from FF V.


I would surgust not doing that. No one likes to hear the the dice roll when they are reading a story, by this I mean no one likes to read needle rat hit Ranma for 1 hp Rnma hits needle rat for 10 hp needle rat dies Ranma gets 4 experience. That is boring. writing has different strangths and weaknesses then Video Games...sorry I'm going off into a rant aren't I :oops: Anyway I hope to read some more of your story.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:08 pm
by Dumbledork
Erh, no. That's not that I meant. I just meant that some monsters give more Ability Points and that the characters learn new spells more rapidly if they kill monsters that give a lot of APs.

As for learning new spells, every character knows every spell there is for their jobs (except for the blue mage), but the knowledge is only 'unlocked' once they are strong enough to use it.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:42 am
by Dumbledork
And here's a list of things that I've planned for this fic.

1) Ranma and Kasumi will form their own party as their primary goal is to return home. They'll meet Cecil's group from time to time, though. Rydia will be in their group.

2) Not a Ranma/Kasumi pairing (I'm sure you'd already thought I'd do that. Admit it.)

3) This won't be a pure FF IV crossover as I'll use elements from other FF games. For instance, Ranma is a blue mage. His second job won't be revealed yet, but it's completely original.

4) Kasumi's a whitemage and a monster tamer. Meaning that she can summon any monster the party defeated but didn't kill.

5) Monster drops: this will be a lot different from the games as only humanoid monsters drop money and items. It's possible to find items and money nearby morecunning monsters that they got from unlucky adventurers.

6) There's a hunter guild with an outpost in each town. I make use of the monster book from the GBA version. Basically, every member of the guild get a magic book that notes down every monster encountered and the number of kills. The members show the book in town and they get paid for the number of monsters they defeated, depending on the threat level.

7) I'll add an all original continent containing monsters from other FF games and maybe some original creations.

8) Magic system : every being born in that universe has the capacity to learn a specific kind of magic or fighting skills. That was decided by the Gods when they created the world. And everyone knows all the spells for their job from birth on,but they unlock the knowledge with experince and extensive usage of spells.

9) Ranma and Kasumi will have some unique magical skills as they weren't born in the universe and it was bestowed onto them through the freak accident that stranded them there.

Re: Final Fantasy IV 1/2 - Prologue

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:57 am
by Chrysicat
First things first, I'm not going to b**** about the fanon characterisations in here. I actually enjoy the fanon personalities, and it's just to frame things anyway this time...

Dumbledork wrote: I thought this was my lucky day, but it shouldn’t last.
"Didn't last", maybe?

While I was trying to find my back, I was attacked by Ryoga, who sprouted his usual ‘Ranma, prepare to die!’ speech.
"find my way back"/"spouted" (unless you actually intend for him to have new plant growth on his person :P )

I simply left not bothering with him as he really doesn’t present a decent challenge.
"I simply left, not bothering with him..."

You’d imagine that someone is telling them where they can find me.
"You'd think that someone was telling", maybe?

I was already tired and in no mood to deal with him. So I opened my shirt and managed to distract him long enough to sucker punch the pervert. I was so angry that I didn’t stopped hitting him until he was unconscious.
Maybe join the first two into one compound sentence, replacing the period with a comma and de-capitalising 'so'? And then "I didn't stop hitting him". Past tense in English means only one conjugated verb and an infinitive, not twins conjugated in the past tense.

‘She must be really happy to have defeated Grandfather Happosai at last’. “That’s nice to hear. He shouldn’t have groped you. I don’t know what I would do if that ever happened to me. It’s not like I could defend myself against a letch.”
Would Kasumi really refer to Ranma as female in her mind? Admittedly, if any canon character would, she'd be the one...and the word is 'lech', derived from 'lecher'.

“Don’t worry, Kasumi. I’ll protect you. But I really can’t imagine anyone ever assaulting you. You’re much too nice.”
Not an edit, but...foreshadowing much? :P

“It---it’s gaining from. Looks like some kind of mist dragon. Do you think it’s dangerous?”
I might lean towards 'taking form' myself, and the second one's a typo-correction, not a lean...

The pigtailed boy was still in high spirits after his defeat of the dreaded master and wasn’t sparing any thought on the possible plans for revenge probably blossoming in the old letch’s perverted mind.
'on' doesn't seem quite right here--maybe 'as to' (or maybe 'for'); 'lech' once again; your best bet there is probably a full find-and-replace 'lech' for 'letch'.

In the meantime, Genma and Soun had left on one of their famous drinking binges, Nabi had returned to her room to finish her homework, and Akane had decided to take a bath.
I know I'm good about most fanon, and yes, I know that she might be 'Nabi-chan' to some (though honestly I thought she was Biki-chan for some reason), but you're sure you don't want Nabiki's full name there?

As Ranma and Kasumi were working in the kitchen, telling each other some jokes and stories, and generall having quite some fun together, they didn’t notice the small, shrivelled gnome that approached them, until the small figure decided to talk.
Typo again; 'generally'.

“That was the last straw. I can’t let you continue defying your master like that. It’s high time someone taught you to respect your elders. And I have just the right thing to punish you. It was a good idea to keep that scroll I liberated from a temple two centuries ago. With a strike of his pipe...
missing end-quote between 'ago' and 'with'. I know, snark snark snark...I dunno why I'm so obsessed with the proofing as well as traditional concrit...

It was at least 4 meters long and two very long, curved horns were growing out of his head. Akane and Nabiki, who were watching the action from their rooms quickly closed their windows and hid behind their beds. No way did they want to be anywhere nears that creature.
Personally, I like "two very long, curved horns grew out of its head" better, but that's mainly an active-versus-passive voice choice...though I think that it's possible to blend active and passive voice in one sentence. If it's not, your original way needs to stick. Also, "Akane and Nabiki, who were watching the action from their rooms, quickly closed..." The problem here is that you've got an independent clause not totally set off from the surrounding sentence without the second comma.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER ME AROUND? ME, THE ALMIGHTY IFRIT? SUCH IMPUDENCE I’VE NEVER ENCOUNTERED BEFORE. KNOW, MORTAL, THAT ONLY A SUMMONER OF MIST, OR A KINDHEARTED BEING WE SUMMONS GAVE THE RIGHT TO, MAI SUMMON ONE OF MY KIND. FOR THIS OUTRAGE YOU MUST PAY!”
Oh, typos, you'll be the death of me one day...you meant "may summon", not "mai summon", right?

It would be more prudent to get away and let Ranma deal with the irate creature. After all, it’s his responsibility to protect his master.
"irate creature; after all, it was his responsibility..." [actually, I even like this one with the emphasis added...the other italicised words in here have just been to stress the right choices] Consistent tense, even when it's someone's thoughts. Honestly, I have to wonder if the sword rats need a tense-change too, but I'm not totally sure on that one...

Ranma, for once, did the intelligent thing and hid behind a tree with Kasumi.
This one's a nasty trip-up for just about anyone..."Ranma, for once, had done the intelligent thing" sounds better to my ear...

He may be reckless, sometimes, but he wasn’t stupid.
"might have been reckless"

As Happosai was unable to find a scapegoat to divert Ifrit’s attention he turned around to look at the summoned being.
I'd recommend "...to divert Ifrit's attention, he turned..."

But then something impossible happened. Well, not impossible, but very unlikely. But then, the black haired boy dealt with the impossible almost daily.
Two 'but then's' that close together are a bit awkward...maybe replace the one in the latter sentence with "Then again"?

This portal, combined with the large explosions caused by the Bombs in Mist Village, ripped an opening in the time space continuum that sucked Ranma and Kasumi in.
I've always heard it as the 'space-time' continuum; the hyphen between 'time' and 'space' is mandatory, either way.

The girl was cowering and crying a lot and abviously very afraid.
Typo; 'abviously' for 'obviously'.

This enraged Ranma who couldn’t stand to see a little girl being scared and without even looking if Kasumi was alright he launched an attack. “You bastards! Leave the poor girl alone.”
independent clause again in 'who couldn't stand to...' "...Ranma, who couldn't stand to see a little girl being scared, and without even looking if Kasumi was alright, he launched an attack."

All in all? Promising; I'll keep reading it, but I'd honestly probably have preferred not hearing that you were going to bring in things from other Final Fantasies (well, except for the Blue Magic abilities, which were sorely missing in FFIV).

Curse you, ninja post!! Honestly, I'd think they'd realise pretty quickly that there was little to no hope of getting home, and that the best bet would be helping to at least stop Golbez and Zemus... but you disagree there, so I guess I'll see if you can pull this off (Rydia in R&K's group, BTW, seems to mean nothing but bad news for the canon team...if for no other reason than who's going to melt the ice-wall blocking off Fabul?...or save Cecil from the Golbez ambush after Calcobrinas?...but I guess you'll dig up a replacement summoner somewhere...)

Like I said, still promising, but a few frustrations (like a Tamer, of all things, in the IVverse...and then there's Ranma, who'd seem the most obvious Monk or Black-belt build in history, not winding up there...I guess the Blue Magic comes from the way he can learn any attack in canon (with the exception of ShiShi Houkoudan) just by being hit by it once?

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:53 am
by Dumbledork
I know there are a lot of mistakes in there. But I wrote the whole thing yesterday as I wanted to post something new, lest everyone forgot about me ^_^

Some more information. At first Ranma will only try to get home, but once he ses how bad things are he'll try and help Cecil and his group. He'll accompany them to the moon. But it will be some time before Ranma sees Cecil in another light.

At the moment he just sees a fierce looking, armor wearing guy attack a helpless girl.

And I know that Cecil will need a fire user to melt the ice. I have two solutions for that. Either he needs to find a different way to get past the barrier or he'll use some bomb fragments. Explosives might work just as well.


I think that's the interesting thing about RPG fics. Why stick to canon? Who says there aren't any other solutions to problems than those offered in the story?

And one thing I'll do, and I've planned it right from the start, is to have a Ranma/Rydia (the older Rydia of course; I'm not into lolis) pairing.

I even thought about pairing Kasumi with either Edward or Edge. I really feel that Kasumi si the romantic type who'd fall for a handsome prince/king or a dashing rogue.

As for Ranma and Kasumi returning home... wait and see.

I actually think that the tamer thing is interesting. I can really see Kasumi summon a Behemoth to fight for her. I can always call the job something different. It's basically a summoner, but insteadof summoning calls/guardian beasts/avatars, or whatever you want to call them, she summons monsters.

Re: Final Fantasy IV 1/2 - Prologue

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:52 pm
by Tovath
Chrysicat wrote:.and then there's Ranma, who'd seem the most obvious Monk or Black-belt build in history, not winding up there...


I agree with Chrysica here Ranma is first and formost a martial artist, which is the same as Monk or Black-belt for all intents and purposes.

Dumbledork wrote:
And one thing I'll do, and I've planned it right from the start, is to have a Ranma/Rydia (the older Rydia of course; I'm not into lolis) pairing.


I kinda hate to ask this but if I remember correctly Rydia ends up going to get Levation's(sp?) world where time flows differently and that is how she become grown up. How would that happen if she is traveling with Ranma instead of Cecil

Dumbledork wrote:I actually think that the tamer thing is interesting. I can really see Kasumi summon a Behemoth to fight for her. I can always call the job something different. It's basically a summoner, but instead of summoning calls/guardian beasts/avatars, or whatever you want to call them, she summons monsters.


Yes it is interesting, but having two summoners is not going to work well.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:09 pm
by Dumbledork
Here are some answers.

I agree with the monk, but that's Ranma's default job. Blue Mage is a job he gained when he crossed over.

The scene with Leviathan will happen and Rydia will end up in the summons realm.

I don't know if I mentioned it here or on TFF but Ranma and Cecil will cross paths from time to time and in the end fight together.

Rydia's summons are completely different from Kasumi's. Kasumi can only summon monsters the party has defetated, no summons.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:03 am
by Dumbledork
Here's the revised version. Lots of changes and I'll use the scene with Happosai and Ifrit in a flashback.

And if anyone could help me with a nice title for the story I'd be very happy.



Prologue



A very happy Ranma was strolling through the streets of Nerima, singing one of her favourite songs,


“Risin’ up, back on the street,
Did my time, took my chances,
Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet,
Just a man and his will to survive”


She understood the irony, as she really didn’t look like a man at the moment. She was happy and couldn’t wait to tell Kasumi about the big victory she had scored a few minutes earlier. Even the knowledge of what Happosai had planned to do to her after he splashed her wasn’t enough to dampen her mood. No siree; she got him, and good for once. He’ll be nursing his wounds for quite some time.


Five minutes later she entered the house, still high on her victory. “I’m hoooome!”


Kasumi immediately came to greet her and grinned as it was rare to see Ranma in such a good mood. “My, my,” she said, “you seem to have had a good day.” She then intensely stared at Ranma, “Tell me everything!”


“Sure, I will. But first I need a change of clothes. As you have probably noticed, these are rather wet, and I don’t want to catch a cold.” The redhead quickly went to her room and got some fresh clothes, taking a short trip to the bathroom to change back to her birth gender.


Kasumi was still waiting impatiently for him at the entrance. She loved Ranma’s stories and couldn’t get enough of them. It was about the only excitement she had in her boring life. Sometimes she couldn’t hide her jealousy at Ranma’s rivals and fiancées. They were constantly a part of his adventures, while she had to stay at home with only the fathers who weren’t, if she was honest with herself, not the most interesting people to be around. If it weren’t for the martial artist’s stories, she’d probably have already died of boredom. Granted, she didn’t mind the housework all that much, but she wouldn’t be averse to being rescued from her everyday life by a handsome prince or a dashing rogue, just like those that saved princesses in her novels. ‘Ah well, I still have Ranma’s stories to keep me entertained. I guess that’s better than nothing. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to take part in one of Ranma’s adventures’. She had to grin at that last thought and sighed, ‘but that will probably just remain a foolish dream’.


While Kasumi was still deep in her thoughts, Ranma had come back and asked, “hey! Is everything alright?”


This startled the brunette and she almost fell down. She just giggled and answered, “no, everything is fine. I can’t wait to hear why you are in such a good mood, though.”


“Okay, here goes. You won’t believe what happened to me today...”


01234543210


“Hey Kain, wait for me!”


“Hurry up, Cecil! The sooner we’re done in Mist Village, the sooner we can head back to Baron. I’m sure you don’t want to keep Rosa waiting for too long,” the dragoon teased his companion.


“You’re right. I can’t wait to see her again. She really managed to lift my spirits somewhat after I got relieved from my command. Sweet, charming Rosa. The fairest of them all. The...”


“Okay, okay, I got it. She’s perfect. I know that already. Honestly, I shouldn’t have mentioned her. But then, thanks to her you’re not as grouchy as you were yesterday. I know it sucks what has happened to you, but don’t think too much about it. I’m sure that if you accomplish this mission successfully the king will pardon you. In my opinion he gave us this boring mission to teach you a lesson. But I don’t mind. At least this way I can get out of the castle for a while. But don’t let your thoughts wander too much, who knows what could happen to us.”


The reprimand sobered the dark knight up. “Right, we have a job to do. The king could at least have given me a few days to rest after the attack on Mysidia. And I still feel bad about what we did. They didn’t stand a chance. We could have probably accomplished our goal with a lot less bloodshed.”


“Look, Cecil. You just did what you had to do. It was for the wellbeing and the glorious future of the kingdom. A soldier does his duty without questioning orders given by his superiors. There’s nothing you... LOOK OUT! SWORD RATS!”


Kain’s shout immediately startled his friend out of his daydream. It only took him an instant to draw his sword and get into position. ‘Damn! I didn’t know there were any monsters in this cave’. Kain already had his lance in his hands. “Alright! Let’s do this.”


Their opponents numbered two. The Sword Rats’ most deadly weapon are the sharp spines that cover their backs. But Cecil and Kain managed to surprise them and launched a pre-emptive attack. The rats were dead before they could retaliate.


“Well, that was easy,” Kain said. “Nothing to be worried about.”


“You should stay on your guard, Kain. Who knows what else is lurking around?”


“That coming from the guy who was daydreaming a few moments ago? In hostile territory?” Kain asked in a mocking tone.


Cecil couldn’t hide a blush of embarrassment, but did indeed take the mission more seriously. Just as they started to relax a bit, they were sneak attacked by a group of Insectus.


“KAIN! WATCH OUT!” Cecil shouted and jumped next to the dragoon. He was too late, though, as one of the monsters had managed to bite Kain and inject its poison into his bloodstream. “SHIT!” Kain cursed.


“No time to look after the wound. Stay focussed on the battle, Kain! There are too many of them. DARK WAVE!” Cecil yelled and a dark energy beam shot out of his sword and obliterated the enemies in front of him.


“Good job!” Kain congratulated his companion. “Now it’s my turn. JUMP!” The dragoon jumped high in the air and, keeping his lance, pointing down, in front of him, gaining velocity while descending, and impaled the Insectus. The last one was easily dealt with as the dark knight killed it with a simple sword strike.


“Where are all these things coming from?” Cecil lamented. “It’s getting worse by the day. Soon Baron will be completely overrun by the monsters.”


KNIGHTS OF BARON.


“Huh? Did you hear that, Kain?”


“Yeah. But I have no idea who that voice belongs to. It doesn’t sound human, though. Do you think it might be some kind of monster?” He then decided to address the voice directly, “Who are you?”


LEAVE NOW AND NO HARM WILL BEFALL YOU.


“Confident bastard, aren't you?” Kain sneered


YOU REFUSE?


Cecil decided to get a word in too, “Yes. We have to go to Mist Village to deliver a package, by order of the king. We're not going back.”


SO BE IT.


“Cecil, look! The mist is gathering. I wonder what that means.”


The mist formed into a large creature. It was more than 4 meters tall. The top half looked like a dragon. Its long neck ended in a large draconic head with pupil-less, green eyes. Sharp ridges were protruding out of the back of the neck and it had two large batwings. Two small horns poked out of its head. The bottom half of the creature, however, was not defined at all and composed of formless mist. It looked imposing... and dangerous.


“It---it’s huge” Cecil gulped. ”This looks real bad. How are we supposed to fight something like that?”


“No idea,” Kain answered, “and no time for planning, HERE IT COOMES!”


The two knights of Baron barely managed to get out of the way of the large maw that tried to bite them in two.


“That was close,” Kain observed. “My turn now. I’ll show you what a dragoon of Baron can do. JUMP!”


While the dragoon took to the air, Cecil attacked the creature with his sword. ‘It’s solid’, he mused, ‘and that means that we can hurt it’. “Kain? My blow connected. That means that the mist is solid and we will probably be able to kill it.”


At that moment, Kain got a good blow in with his lance. “You’re right,” he answered, “let’s take it down’.


The monster managed to get a headbutt in at Cecil who slid back a few meters. ‘That didn’t really hurt. I guess the monster is not as strong as we thought’. Visibly relieved that he had a good chance of killing the dragon, Cecil attacked even more fiercely while Kain once again used his jump attack.


But just as the dragoon was in the air, something happened. The dragon lost its form and turned into mist, surprising the two of them. ‘What does that mean?’ Cecil wondered.


Kain landed on the monster but missed. “Huh? How could I miss? I attacked it right in the middle.”


This distracted both fighters so much that they didn’t have the time to prepare for what was coming next, and before they could launch another attack, the mist counterattacked by breathing a cold cloud of mist at them, doing considerable damage and throwing them to the floor. The two friends managed to get up again, but the attack had visibly taken a very heavy toll on them as they were breathing quite heavily. While they were catching their breath, they noticed that the mist hadn’t taken any offensive action, although it would have been easy for the monster to take advantage of their diminished state to get another good hit in. Cecil whispered to Kain, “say, have you noticed? The mist doesn’t attack us anymore. Do you think it might wait for us to attack it first before fighting back?”


“You might be on to something,” the dragoon answered. “Let’s wait for its next attack and then we’ll improvise.”


But nothing happened, and a short time later the mist transformed back into a dragon.


“NOW!” Both of the fighters shouted in unison. Kain jumped once again and Cecil shot a dark wave at the creature, and noticed with surprise that this attack was very effective against it, heavily damaging it. When Kain came down he dealt it the coup de grace.


“That was one tough battle,” a very tired Cecil, sweating heavily. “Do you have any potions left? That thing did a number on me.”


“No kidding. I thought we were done for after that mist attack.” The dragoon felt around his subspace pocket for a potion and after he had found one, handed it to the dark knight. “Hey, there’s the exit,” he pointed at a spot behind where the monster was. Why haven’t we noticed it before?”


“It was probably hidden by the mist,” Cecil answered and downed the potion, which healed most of his wounds He would probably feel sore for quite some time, though, but he didn’t want to waste a potion for the few remaining wounds. “Let’s finish out mission and then we can go home. I miss Rosa already. And, with some luck, the king will give me back command over the Red Wings after he sees how successful we were.”


The two men headed to the exit and were glad to finally leave the Mist Cave.


“Look, Cecil! There it is. Thank God it’s not very far from the Cave. I need to rest for a bit. Let’s head to the pub after we’ve delivered the package. What do you say?”


“That’s an excellent idea, Kain. I really need a drink after all this excitement.”


While they were heading to the town they were attacked by another group of monsters, two Insectus and two Flying Eyes.


“Don’t let the Insectus bite you, Kain. I’m out of antidotes.”


“Don’t worry; I’m not planning on letting them. Once was enough. Let’s kick some monster ass and have a nice, cold beer afterwards.”


“Now you’re talking”, Cecil answered. “Let’s go!”


And the fight was on. They had already encountered some Insectus in the Cave and knew how to handle them. The Flying Eyes, however, were new. Cecil knew about them, of course, but he hadn’t fought any yet. They were floating above the ground and as he didn’t want to use the dark wave anymore, because he was already low on energy, he left those to Kain and concentrated on the Insectus. They really weren’t hard to kill anymore once you knew how best to kill them, as he got some experience fighting against their siblings in the Mist Cave. Two minutes later all the monsters lay on the ground and were quite dead.


“Phew!” Kain heavily exhaled. “I hope that were all of them. Off to the village now. We have a mission to finish.”


They managed to get to the village without any further incidents. About 200 meters before they arrived at the entrance to the village Cecil took the bomb ring out of his subspace pocket and noticed that it was glowing. The ring shot out of his hand and floated high in the air. Suddenly it spawned a horde of demonic looking bombs that spread throughout Mist Village all of them self-destructing at the same time, causing widespread destruction. All that was left of the once prosperous village were burning houses and dead people.


01234543210


As the destruction spread, a portal opened in midair not far away from the village and spit out a certain pigtailed martial artist and his closest friend. Ranma immediately recovered and checked on Kasumi, who was lying on the ground. She seemed to be alright and had no visible injuries. “Are you alright?” He anxiously asked the girl, hoping that she wasn’t hurt too much.


The brunette opened her eyes and smiled at the black haired boy. “I feel fine. Don’t worry. But that was quite a ride.”


She looked around and saw that they were in an open field, surrounded by mountains, and that there was a village burning not far away. Ranma hadn’t noticed yet, as he was concentrating on checking Kasumi for any injuries she might have sustained during transport.


“Ranma, look! The village is burning.”


The teenager turned around and stared in shock at the disaster zone. He immediately jumped into action. “Stay here! I’ll go and check if there are any survivors. Maybe I can help the people.”


‘What a fine young man he is. Always playing the hero and helping people in need, Kasumi thought, ‘but then, that’s what I like about him. He can’t stand to see other people suffer. Brave soul. If only there were more people like him in the world’.


She followed Ranma at a sedate pace and without fear. She knew that he would protect her if there was any danger. As they approached the village, they saw a young girl cowering in a corner and two sinister looking, armour wearing men approach her.


Ranma sprinted over to the girl, determined to protect her from the attackers. “LEAVE THE GIRL ALONE!” he shouted at the two knights. The two men were startled and before they could react to the threat something frightening happened. A gigantic, over 4 meter tall, blue haired, and heavily muscled man, wearing nothing but a loincloth appeared in front of the girl and stomped on the ground, causing a powerful earthquake that knocked everybody to the floor.



***BESTIARY***

Sword Rat: the Sword Rat is among the less dangerous of monsters and looks like a cross between a rat and a porcupine, but is the size of a large pony. Its most dangerous weapon and also its greatest protection are the sharp spines covering its back. The Sword Rat can launch them at their enemies with deadly accuracy and they grow back immediately. More than one underequipped adventurer has been impaled by these sharp needles.


Insectus: the Insectus is a very large blue larva with yellow motives covering its body. It doesn’t look like much, but this monster generally appears in groups of 2-4 individuals and is quite poisonous. But to an intelligent and careful adventurer, who carries a supply of antidotes, this monster is nothing more than an irritating pest. However, don’t forget to restock, if you run out of antidotes.


Flying Eyes: the Flying Eyes is what you get after the Insectus has finished its evolution. It looks like a sinister, giant butterfly. It has large, purple butterfly wings, with a large, round spot on each wing. Two long antennae are growing out of its head. But its most frightening feature is the very long proboscis, which it uses first to inject some digestive fluid into its victim and secondly to drain the liquefied organs, as well as the blood, leaving only an empty husk behind.


Bomb: the Bomb is one of the most vicious and spiteful magical creatures in existence. It does value victory more than its life and doesn’t hesitate to sacrifice itself for the chance to take its enemy with it into death. The Bomb is a fiery sphere the size of a human with a very large maw, containing large and pointy teeth. Its arms are only small stubs not even strong enough to grab anything. It has two large eyes that are formed in a perpetual frown. Its hair is made of fiery tendrils that end in small balls of fire.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:43 am
by Anime_Freak317
“My, my,” she said, “you seem to have had a good day.”

"My, my, she said. "You seem to have had a good day."

While Kasumi was still deep in her thoughts, Ranma had come back and asked, “hey! Is everything alright?”


This startled the brunette and she almost fell down. She just giggled and answered, “no, everything is fine. I can’t wait to hear why you are in such a good mood, though.”

Yes, everything is fine, or No, everything is fine?

Maybe you could use the second fight with Happosai, sans his death, to show how Ranma and Kasumi got to the new world.

As for a name, maybe, "RFF IV: Kasumi's Journey." :?

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:53 am
by Dumbledork
Why should I keep Happosai alive?

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:55 am
by Anime_Freak317
Dumbledork wrote:Why should I keep Happosai alive?


Someone has to tell the tale of how he sent them away, plus it gives Ranma the option to kill him himself when they get back, or criple him for life.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:13 pm
by asterion
Nice fight against the dragon. Still, after that boss battle, the destruction of Mist falls rather flat.
Dumbledork wrote:They managed to get to the village without any further incidents. About 200 meters before they arrived at the entrance to the village Cecil took the bomb ring out of his subspace pocket and noticed that it was glowing. The ring shot out of his hand and floated high in the air. Suddenly it spawned a horde of demonic looking bombs that spread throughout Mist Village all of them self-destructing at the same time, causing widespread destruction. All that was left of the once prosperous village were burning houses and dead people.

Given how you decided to put Happosai's revenge into a flashback next chapter, I would suggest doing the same here. Drop the 200 meter bit, since it's too technical; use something more visual, like:
When Cecil could see the village gates at the crest of the next hill, he ...
Or even:
As Cecil and Kain hiked along the rocky trail, the air grew hazy with mist. Soon they could barely make out the trail a hundred paces (or meters) ahead. When Cecil realized that the dark shape looming off in the distance was the village gates, he ...

Furthermore, do Cecil and/or Kain know that they are about to destroy Mist? You may want to just refer to the bomb ring as the ring the king wanted them to deliver to the village leader. Or give a reason for Cecil to carry something that destructive to a peaceful village.
King of Baron: "It's mining equipment."
Cecil: "...right."
Cecil is upset at how Mysidia was handled; would he really be chipper if he was bringing doom to Mist? At the very least, he would turn grim as he approached Mist if he had any second thoughts about the job. So far Cecil and Kain are treating the job as menial labor.
Actually, given the difficulty of handling the Mist Dragon, Cecil and Kain might feel better about their punishment. After all, if it took a dark knight and a dragoon to reach Mist (airships couldn't land in the mountain pass if I remember, and Cecil was the most powerful person involved in the attack on Mysidia), then the King had very good reason to send them.

Getting to the point, if you cut out the actual Bomb attack, it will mesh well with the abrupt cut to the aftermath. It also means that you can juxtapose the disaster in Nerima with the destruction of Mist when it is flashback time. If you're ambitious, you can open the next chapter with snippets of nightmare scenes and flashbacks as the characters recover from Gigas's earthquake. If you really want the Bombs to be mentioned, just show Cecil's horror growing as he realizes that realizes that glowing ring followed by horde of Bomb monsters means that Mist is about to be destroyed. Not only is an innocent village about to be destroyed, but he is responsible, his King is responsible, and his King tricked him into destroying the village. The full implications won't have sunk in, but Cecil (and possibly Kain) would react to the bomb ring activating, before the village is actually attacked. Then leave the actual attack for a flashback.
If you do that, I would suggest have Ranma and Kasumi's first reaction to Happosai arriving (no need to call Ifrit yet, just mention either Ranma's cocky grin or his concern for Kasumi's proximity).