Dreams of 9

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Dreams of 9

Postby migele » Thu May 03, 2007 5:45 pm

Yo I'm back, I need more Ideas for this one so help me please!!!


Dreams of 9



Disclaimer: Not mine, nope, not at all.



Inspired by: Nightmare on Elm Street and another Film I forgot about, they went into dreams there.



Warnings: Where the hell did this come from? Slight shoujo-Ai, rather one sided … VERY one sided. I think…



Timeline: Somewhen after Pharao90



Spoilers: Can't find any, but than again I haven't seen a lot of Sailor Moon.



------



Dreams of 9





For Hotaru Tomoe dreams were different. She had normal dreams, as far as the occasional weird thing or nightmare. But usually it was a vision, or a memory from the past.

Being Sailor Saturn, a shy weapon of mass destruction, sucked big time.

This however wasn't the reason Hotaru didn't like going to bed. After all removing a shadow from eternal darkness was impossible.



------



It wasn't without a certain amount of nervousness that Hotaru closed her eyes. Sleep never came easily, for many reasons.

As her eyes opened again she found herself standing in a park. Green trees, soft grass, flowers in full bloom. The blood red roses with their sweet and heavy scent were her first hint. This was going to be one of those dreams. The problem was, they were always different.

"Over here." A dark sensual voice called.

Hotaru shivered, definitely one of those dreams. She turned around to see her personal shadow holding a picnic basket and a blanket. "Picnic?" she wondered aloud

Mistress 9 smiled. "Would you prefer fighting me?"

Hotaru shook her head. Fighting Mistress 9 in a dreamscape was hazardous, they both had some control over the surroundings and access to a lot of power. Usually the dreamscape didn't survive that. "What did you make?"

"A few sandwiches and some roast turkey, I got ice cream for dessert."

That didn't sound too bad.

"Now sit down and I'll feed you."

OR maybe it was bad.



------



Hotaru stared at her homework. Interpretation of a dream. Most of her 'dreams' left no space for interpretations as they were memories or they featured Mistress 9. Somehow she knew that interpreting her visitor was NOT what she was supposed to do.

Being Hotaru Tomoe, Senshi of Saturn and host of Mistress 9 sucked big time.



------



"There you are."

Hotaru whirled around. "Not today! I need a NORMAL dream."

"Why?" Mistress 9 asked. The clearly battle ready shadow asked.

"My homework, I need a normal dream that I can actually try to interpret."

The smile Hotaru got back was nothing short of feral. "Than just till first blood."

"What?"

Mistress 9 attacked.



------



Hotaru woke up much later, blushing badly. "I'm to young for that kind of dreams dammit." Realizing that she just swore she carefully glanced around before she collapsed onto her pillow. "The one time I get rid of her I dream of the other shy girl in my class. Like it's my fault all the 'men' were scared of me back than." Hotaru turned and stared at the ceiling. "And they fear me again."



Slowly the girl rose. After freshening up in the bathroom she looked at herself in the mirror. "Condemned by fate to be a lesbian." This was in no way a pleasant thought for the girl. Back in her room she sat at her desk and started on her homework. Maybe she should try to interpret that picnic with 9 two weeks ago? Of course omitting the part where 9 made her lie down and fed her the strawberries. Yes, that might work for a homework.



------



The homework had worked out perfectly, she had gotten a few weird looks for her description of a 'grabby blackhair that can't take a no for an answer' and the strawberries. She wondered if she missing some hidden meaning with those.



------



Hotaru sighed. Last night her visitor had attacked, together they destroyed Tokyo, Chicago, New York and Loch Ness. Hotaru personally blamed Minako for the tentacle monster. However it never stood a chance against the two girls. Hotaru idly mused if she was superpowered, or was it hyperpowered? She doubted that many people had the power she and her shadow commanded. Even when it came to the Senshi the Queen was the only one who even came close. And she protected the seals on her power by herself.

"Watch where you go." A boy growled as he ran into her.

"Sorry" Hotaru mumbled and wished she could just blast him to bits. Or that she could turn him over to her shadow. She doubted that 9 would have trouble with playing a little with him. Things would be so much easier if she could just let loose, but that would mean to stop caring.

Hotaru wasn't ready to stop caring yet. Maybe in the future, but currently she still held hope for humanity.



------



She remembered. It was ball on the moon. She who was now called Usagi had been born a year ago. Everyone danced, everyone had fun. Everyone but her. Her black dress was hugging her and rather plain, except that it seemed to glow darkness. While a great contrast it seemed to reinforce the fright the people had of her.

So she waited for what would never happen, someone to ask her for a dance. Well one person did, it was a small girl, daughter to one of the palace servants, she had red hair, red as freshly spilled blood. There she was. Hotaru did what she remembered, she accepted and they danced. The twelve year old palace servant and the over thousand years old angel of death and life. One thing made her smile, the dancers parted where they went, they had the space that others lacked. In the future the two of them would meet again, there would even be a small affair between them. twelve years later it would be her that was going to deliver the first child of the union of the girl and her husband. A healthy red haired girl that was going to have the name of Celcia. The girl would die in the war that was the end of silver millennium. It was her death that made Hotaru unleash part of her true power. The Death Reborn Revolution. The only attack that was truly what she was: Pietati et Literis, the beginning of the end.



The dance ended and the girl had to go. Hotaru prepared herself for standing the rest of the evening when she came. Black hair and a white mask, a yellow dress that was at the limit of what was considered decent for an occasion like this.

"May I have this dance?" the soft voice asked.

"My lead?" Hotaru asked. It was always hers.

A nod and they started. For hours they danced, two women, Hotaru did not care that this was not like her memories. It beat standing for hours.

At the end of the final dance she dipped her partner low. Only to see the mask fade away and 9 smiling at her before she closed the space between their lips. She did something that never happened in real life. She dropped her dancing partner.

"Hotaru play nice." 9 pouted.

Hotaru stared at her Shadow. "You were acting nice?" It was more a statement than a question.

"You know when the last time was that I had a decent dance?" 9 got up. "Some two Millenia or so ago."

"Mine was this one, about eleven millenia ago."

"It sucks to be you."

"I know." Hotaru sighed.

"Peace for tonight?" 9 offered a wicked grin on her face.

Hotaru had the feeling that was going to regret this but she nodded anyway.

"Good, as I don't have a room that means I'll bunk with you."

Hotaru sighed, the was always a catch.



Authors notes v0.0: Too short, I came up this while on a night shift at work so don't sue me.
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bliss in black

Postby Ordieth117 » Thu May 03, 2007 6:53 pm

I love what you've written so far. You're very good at the "show, don't tell" rule. I'd love to see where you're taking this, but I do hope you have a plan and keep the feelings all the way through.
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Postby Comartemis » Thu May 03, 2007 7:09 pm

I for one would like to see exactly how this... very unique... interpretation of Nine and Hotaru's relationship came about. It certainly couldn't have been "Hey kid, you won, I lost, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones." And I think Hotaru is a bit OOC wanting to set Nine loose on that kid. Other than that, I like it.
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Postby Sunshine Temple » Thu May 03, 2007 7:40 pm

Good start. The dream scenes could use a bit more filling up. The dynamic 9-chan and Hotaru have is ammusing and it has alot of potential.

I think you're gonna really use the dream setup well here.


So mostly add to the scenes. You set them up well, but they should be a bit longer to give them more impact and make them more immersive. Right now it reads rather fragmentary.
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Postby Cyber_Skaarj » Fri May 04, 2007 7:52 am

Very good start, though a bit on the short side.

Just one question: Are you interpretting the DRR to be the world destroying attack? Because that's just a fannon idea. Her real world destroying attack has no proper name (that I know of).
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Postby migele » Fri May 04, 2007 9:45 am

Cyber_Skaarj wrote:Very good start, though a bit on the short side.

Just one question: Are you interpretting the DRR to be the world destroying attack? Because that's just a fannon idea. Her real world destroying attack has no proper name (that I know of).


nope I don't actually.

for me DRR is just "Big Badda BOOOOOMMM"

the world destroying if in my opinion her highest attack without bigger sideeffects. maybe I'll get to writing a story how I view her powers sometimes. or feature it in some story.
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Postby Alathon » Fri May 04, 2007 6:32 pm

After all removing a shadow from eternal darkness was impossible.

After all, removing a shadow from eternal darkness was impossible.

It wasn't without a certain amount of nervousness that Hotaru closed her eyes.

It was with a certain amount of nervousness that Hotaru closed her eyes.

Hotaru shivered, definitely one of those dreams.

Hotaru shivered, this was definitely one of those dreams.

"A few sandwiches and some roast turkey, I got ice cream for dessert."

"A few sandwiches and some roast turkey. I got ice cream for dessert."

Hotaru whirled around. "Not today! I need a NORMAL dream."

Consider using italics instead of caps.

"Than just till first blood."

"Till" isn't a word, and this just doesn't scan right regardless. Maybe write it as: "To the first blood, then." though that isn't quite right either.

Hotaru woke up much later, blushing badly. "I'm to young for that kind of dreams dammit."

Hotaru woke up much later, blushing madly. "I'm to young for that kind of dream, dammit!"

The homework had worked out perfectly, she had gotten a few weird looks for her description of a 'grabby blackhair that can't take a no for an answer' and the strawberries. She wondered if she missing some hidden meaning with those.

The homework had worked out perfectly, though she had gotten a few weird looks for her description of a 'grabby blackhair that wouldn't take a no for an answer' and the strawberries. She wondered if she missing some hidden meaning in those.

Hotaru personally blamed Minako for the tentacle monster. However it never stood a chance against the two girls.

Hotaru personally blamed Minako for the tentacle monster, though it never stood a chance against her and Nine.

Unless you meant that the tentacle monster fought her and Minako.

She remembered. It was ball on the moon. She who was now called Usagi had been born a year ago. Everyone danced, everyone had fun. Everyone but her. Her black dress was hugging her and rather plain, except that it seemed to glow darkness. While a great contrast it seemed to reinforce the fright the people had of her.

Continuity wise, it's strongly implied that Sailor Saturn was never present during the Silver Millenium. Just a heads up, it can certainly have been otherwise in your story.

One thing made her smile, the dancers parted where they went, they had the space that others lacked.

One thing made her smile; the dancers parted around them, allowing them space that others lacked.

I think this wording works a bit better, but it could work either way. Also, consider splitting this paragraph after this sentence, it runs on a bit.

"Hotaru play nice." 9 pouted.

Nine pouted. "Play nice, Hotaru."

"Mine was this one, about eleven millenia ago."

"This was mine, about eleven millenia ago."
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Postby Ordieth117 » Fri May 04, 2007 7:07 pm

Many of those speech edits are just stylistic. A few of the commas are rather appropriate, even if you don't reword the sentences, but I read them just fine without the stylistic changes.

Speech especially is rather grammar resistant.
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Postby gsteemso » Fri May 04, 2007 8:03 pm

Alathon, some of those edits changed things that were OK (if unimpressive), while skipping over worse errors in the same sentence... I do not wish to discourage constructive criticism, goodness knows it’s in horribly short supply already, but… Um. I suck at saying this stuff politely, for which I am very sorry. Uh… How certain were you of the accuracy of your suggestions? One of the reasons I seldom post corrections here any more is that I only point out stuff I’m absolutely certain is wrong. Less embarrassing that way. :¬)

(The other two are that it takes me hours to do an exhaustive proofing of a long chapter, and that most people need more help with high-level stuff like plot holes and continuity than they do with spelling errors... well, from me at least, seeing as some helpful soul usually covers those errors before I even see the thread.)

I’ll give an example of what I mean. The original post contained this paragraph of Mistress 9’s dialogue:

"Than just till first blood."


Alathon’s comments were:

"Till" isn't a word, and this just doesn't scan right regardless. Maybe write it as: "To the first blood, then." though that isn't quite right either.


Alathon’s suggested rewording is fine, if perhaps phrased in a rather old-fashioned way, but he didn’t really touch on the two misspellings which caused the original to read oddly in the first place. If the original had been written the way the author probably meant, it could have read thusly:

“Then, just ’til first blood?”


The ’til is a perfectly acceptable abbreviation of until, though a lot of people seem to have trouble spelling it (they often confuse it with the homophonic but totally unrelated word till). The question mark on the end is correct grammatically; however, as the question is very obviously rhetorical, many authors would use a period instead, to more accurately convey Mistress 9’s intonation.

On the basis of what has appeared in this thread to date, I would like to make a suggestion for future threads begun in the C&C forum: All work being posted for review should ideally include a quick note, either at the start or at the end, indicating what the author most wants to focus on — i.e., what stage of production the work is at. Is it a rough draft that we should poke holes in the plot of? Is it a nearly finished draft that needs to be gone over with a fine-toothed comb for spelling errors and other presentation-related stuff? Is it somewhere in the middle and just needs continuity and/or sanity checking? These things all take place at different times in a fic’s evolution, unless you’re some kind of authoring deity who can produce a totally polished work the first time through. For example, it makes no sense for us to invest effort fixing the spelling of any draft but the penultimate one, as any larger-scale edits are likely to introduce completely new presentational glitches.
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Postby borgrabbit » Fri May 04, 2007 9:33 pm

Thank you, gsteemso, for an interesting essay on copyediting. I'll need to remember some of it when next I post a revision or chapter. For myself I tend to leave the plot holes to others to find. However, I like the idea of waiting for proof copy to truly make an effort on spelling and to a lesser extent Grammar. Sorry that I don't have much to add to the foregoing critiques.
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Postby Alathon » Sat May 05, 2007 3:57 am

gsteemso wrote:Alathon, some of those edits changed things that were OK (if unimpressive), while skipping over worse errors in the same sentence... I do not wish to discourage constructive criticism, goodness knows it’s in horribly short supply already, but… Um. I suck at saying this stuff politely, for which I am very sorry. Uh… How certain were you of the accuracy of your suggestions? One of the reasons I seldom post corrections here any more is that I only point out stuff I’m absolutely certain is wrong. Less embarrassing that way. :¬)

The changes I suggested were to sentences which jumped out at me while I was reading, and got my attention instead of the plot. I pointed them out because I enjoyed the story as a whole and don't see any reason to suggest changes to anything other than the mechanics of it. A couple of these were stylistic, certainly, but while the original phrasing conveyed the intended information, they were written in ways that people just don't speak. Others were gimmes, like the jumbo sized paragraph.

You're right about 'til, that could used, though in my opinion it still doesn't scan right. 'To' might fit better.. but really, nothing I could think of quite fit with the question 'until first blood?', without sounding clumsy.

She wondered if she missing some hidden meaning in those.

I missed the incorrect tense because, very simply, it wasn't particularly jarring.
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Postby migele » Sun May 06, 2007 5:27 pm

thant's so much everyone, even if your jumpung ahead. I#ll try implement the corrections but you'll have to do this again since I want to push this up to some 4000 or so words.

but thank's anyway. the phrase Till first blood was copied from a comic I liked a lot. I'll look it up there. It's called Blood Legacy and it was somewhere at the end of issue 4 (final one).
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Postby kitten » Wed May 09, 2007 10:36 pm

Actually, contrary to what your fourth grade English teacher always told you, a double negative is acceptable under certain circumstances. It's called a litote. It can be used to say "not X (but not necessarily Y)" or as an understatement to say "very much Y."

Like "He was not unfamiliar with the works of Dickens." to mean "he was very familiar with the works of Dickens" or "the food wasn't bad" to mean "the food was good."
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Postby gsteemso » Wed May 09, 2007 10:50 pm

migele wrote:the phrase Till first blood was copied from a comic I liked a lot. I'll look it up there. It's called Blood Legacy and it was somewhere at the end of issue 4 (final one).


Uhh... migele, please be aware that comics of any description are not known for excellence in editing and/or proofreading. In other words, very few comics I have seen should be treated as normative references on how to use English. In fact, quite a few of them make good references on what not to do.
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Postby kitten » Thu May 10, 2007 11:17 pm

I agree. 'til in this context is short for 'until.'

Alternatively you could say "to first blood" instead.
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