As the Donut is Round (Ranma/SM One Shot, Possible fukufic)

[PCHeintz72]

Careful... the mods here dislike nested quotes.

Read the segment. A bit too much emphasis on Usagi being up Early and being on time. I should note I think I recall Minako being the same way.

"Rather convenient actually," Ami had surmised.

Too convienent... The idea that Reis school, being both a provate schoo, and a non-public school, having the same early day would be unlikely, you would have been better off stating it was some Japanese Holiday or early release day, if they exist.

[Jomasten]

Then, any advice on how I should probably structure that section?

I mean, I admit I'm not that great, so I expected some severe mistakes.

[Dumbledork]

Heh. All those 'coincidences' are rather suspicious. I wonder if Sailor Pluto has something to do with it. Hmmm...

[asterion]

Heh. All those 'coincidences' are rather suspicious. I wonder if Sailor Pluto has something to do with it. Hmmm...

Immediately on reading that reply, I thought Ami's line:

"Rather convenient actually," Ami had surmised.

should be followed with something like:

Elsewhere, a green-haired guidance councillor sitting in a café put down her cup of hot chocolate and then sneezed.

---

On the issue of it being a short day at school, I don't think a standard national holiday would work with this story. The way it seems to me, the half-day is spontaneous. The schedule could be due to a spectacular national event. The district superintendent (or, at the extreme, the emperor) could have declared it. But it seems like no one knew until that day that there would be a shortened school day.

Another thing I just now noticed: Usagi's punctuality used as a sign of the apocalypse. The fact that everyone reacts the same way is a bit dull and cookie cutter. Luna, I would think, would be stuck in the Silver Millennium mindset. Instead of "The Four horsemen of the Apocalypse are just outside the door!" I would go with "The Seven Shadows are in the hall!" despite the fact that Beryl is dead and the Seven Shadows were defeated years ago. Along that line of the thought, where are the comments of Hell freezing over? I do want to say that Luna proceeding on to pod people, and Usagi's family wanting to call an exorcist are nice touches.

Hmmm, in fact you could Usagi's good mood with Ranma. You have actually avoided the cliché of Ranma going into nervous breakdown over a pleasant day. I can easily see Ranma in a good mood on a pleasant day putting everyone else on edge. So much so that Akane intentionally starts an insult battle (or on the flipside is so in shock over current events that she accidentally encourages Kuno).

[Jomasten]

Um... If you've read the part about how Ranma's day had started out, I wouldn't exactly call that 'pleasant'. Ranma realizes he's having a good day after he was launched to Juuban, after dropping into the lake, and after realizing the fact that he was now ditching classes... back at the Nerima School District. So, without thinking anymore about the consequences, he just decided to 'take a day off' so to speak.

And the lack of Setsuna will be explained near the end. Despite sounding silly, the title 'As the Donut is Round' does contain a rather deeper meaning.

I dunno if this is gonna be considered a spoiler, but this whole story is actually based on the idea that:

Many things in life always comes in full circle.


EDIT:

How about this then, asterion?

“EARLY! Damnit, Usagi, I think you just ruined who-knows how many laws of nature, here. Are you sure that the Seven Daemons (or Shadows, if anyone prefers) isn't out on the hall, having returned just to get revenge on us?”

[asterion]

So, without thinking anymore about the consequences, he just decided to 'take a day off' so to speak.

Will taking a day off come back to haunt him? Sure, you have said that it will take him too long to return to Nerima to make it to school, but if he hangs out in Juuban, won't Ranma be in worse shape when he makes it back to the dojo?

“EARLY! Damnit, Usagi, I think you just ruined who-knows how many laws of nature, here. Are you sure that the Seven Daemons (or Shadows, if anyone prefers) aren't out on the hall, having returned just to get revenge on us?”

One bit of grammar.
I think you've nailed Luna's haughty tone and her background. Nice Job!

[Jomasten]

Heya, snuck in, since I'm supposed to be 'busy' something or other.

...That, and I'm not even supposed to be on. Supposed to be working on mah thesis, but my head is hurting from doing it too much. So, meh.

Will taking a day off come back to haunt him? Sure, you have said that it will take him too long to return to Nerima to make it to school, but if he hangs out in Juuban, won't Ranma be in worse shape when he makes it back to the dojo?

Please, just work with me here. I have not really thought this far ahead.

Srsly.

[borgrabbit]

It had taken the usually late Usagi a full five minutes

Excessive repetition of words, like 'usual', tends to make for a more difficult read. Use a thesaurus or phrase things a bit differently. It may be deep cliche, but I LIKE a lot of cliches, if they're artfully done.
Keep writing,
Wes

[Jomasten]

Hiya, sneaked this in whilst doing mah thesis.

On the issue of it being a short day at school, I don't think a standard national holiday would work with this story. The way it seems to me, the half-day is spontaneous. The schedule could be due to a spectacular national event. The district superintendent (or, at the extreme, the emperor) could have declared it. But it seems like no one knew until that day that there would be a shortened school day.

Well, my line of thought was those school in-service days, where the teachers and faculty are gathered for some kind of seminar, telling teachers about this procedure, cautioning them on that and so forth kinds of problems, and a bunch of other hoopla some of my teachers say is rather unnecessary.

Oh, and as I am in the middle of doing mah thesis, I began making some minor revisions to my previous entries. Unfortunately, I seem to have hit a brick wall concerning the fight scene. I don't think I write very good fight scenes. Tell ya'll what: I'll try to finish the first part of the fight scene and post it here, and see if any of ya'll can help me improve it.

Well, ciao for now.